MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

 .......well, not quite - but almost

TVH3 The Words for 7th August 2023

The Ness Car Park, Shaldon 

Run No. 1981

HARES: Dastardly & Muttley

Who wuz there: Bluebird, Man-Pig, U-Bend, Forrest-Stump, 

Perry, Tamsin (Miss Ing), Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, 

Smellie, Coldtits, Beefy, Pisswell, Fukarewe, Ernie, Piddler, 

Beeflicker, Melon-Picker, Soapy, Palmolive, Strap-On, 

Rise 'n' Shine, Mateus Rose, Wetfart, 

Bobbiball, Pollyfella, Kermit, Horny, Big End, Well Hopped, 

Well Hopped's son, Roger the Dodger, Fallen Woman, Strap-Dancer, 

Twiggy, Pork Torpedo (pub only) and Andrew (Smellie's friend 

(pub only).

Prologue

What follows ladies and gentlemen, is a tale of woe, ambition, 

heroics, team play and, hopefully, I pray, reconciliation.

Read on for the full story for, tonight, this was no ordinary 

Teign Valley trail.

Circle

The original plan of a summer barbecue on the beach had 

been changed the previous week due to a 

forecast of non BBQ friendly weather. And so it was that 

30 or so Hasher's found themselves at the Ness car park 

waiting on the absent Hare. 

 

For a third week on the trot, U-Bend was the GM. 

Basically no announcements so over to Hare Raiser Smellie. 

Smellie needs Hares from the end of September onwards.

Over to the Hare. Not present. What can the co-Hare offer? 

Man-Pig admitted to only having been involved in setting 

the last three quarters of the trail. To the best of his 

knowledge, there was no Walkers' trail, no sweetie stop and 

he wasn't quite sure where the Long/Short split was or even 

if it had been marked. Yes, the Pig had been about as useful 

as a chocolate fireguard.

Miraculously, from almost nowhere, a dishevelled, but 

enthusiastic, Bird appeared. He was buzzing 

with excitement. This was going to be a good trail (for most). 

Perhaps a candidate for Best Lay of the Year? 

 

He brandished a pair of secateurs, shouting that he 

".....had come prepared for all eventualities". 

Once again the secateurs proved to be about as useful 

as the aforementioned chocolate fireguard.

Instructions were simple. "Follow me" as Bluebird gleefully 

hurdled towards the Smugglers' tunnel.

"Oh. By the way Man-Pig. Lay it as we go!"

And so we were off.

The Trail

Well, what had the Bird got in store for us this evening? 

What indeed? The one thing that we could all be reasonably 

assured of was that the trail would most certainly 

not be boring.

We have hashed Bluebird trails for many a year. Bluebird 

always does his best to keep us on our toes

and provide us with something out of the ordinary. 

But this usually comes at a cost. Namely, the trail 

is likely to be challenging.

This trail did not disappoint. In theory the trail was 

simple but definitely not straightforward.

 

In the absence of a dedicated Walkers' trail, the Walkers 

would have to do their own thing whilst the 

Longs and the Shorts sallied forth into the unknown.

The plan was for the Longs and the Shorts to turn right 

at the end of the Smugglers' tunnel and run 

along the beach; navigate the debris from two cliff falls

and make their way to the aptly named  Rock Flats

 At this point, we would ascend the cliffs to the Hidden 

Valley, the high point of Bluebird's birthday Hash back 

in May. 

 

Exiting the Hidden Valley, we would be back on 

the cliff path. Bluebird would take the Shorts right and 

continue along the cliff path, past the Ness Golf Club and 

back to the car park. 

 

Man-Pig would take the Longs on a 

4 mile loop of tracks and pathways down to 

Stoke-in-Teignhead, and then up Millen Lane to the trig 

point at the top of Commons Lane. 

 

From there it was all downhill back to the car park. 

Simples!. What could possibly go wrong?

Indeed all was well....initially. The trek across 

the boulder fields was painfully slow. This is a potential 

leg breaker and it has to be undertaken carefully, 

very carefully. The sandstone rock is embedded with sharp 

flint. Supporting one's bodyweight with your hands 

is an uncomfortable experience.

Bluebird led the pack whilst Man-Pig swept the rear with 

Melon-Picker for company. 

 

Traversing the boulder field with a canister of flour in one 

hand was a bit of a handicap. I hate crossing the boulder 

fields at the best of times. 

 

Part way across the first rockfall Melon-Picker spied 

a seal not 10m offshore...probably sniffing around the 

lobster pots. I actually didn't see it but 

spent some time scanning the calm waters awaiting its 

resurfacing like a miniature submarine - but it was not to be. 

 

The combination of flour canister and seal gazing meant that 

Melon-Picker and I arrived at the Rock Flats at 

least 10 minutes later than everyone else.

 

We had regularly looked behind us and had seen no back 

markers. We assumed that the back markers had, sensibly, 

bailed out and were making their way back to the pub.

It was bang on 8.30 when we arrived at the Rock Flats. 

 

Bluebird was elated.

"Well done. You've all made it. Are you the last?"

"Yes", I replied in all honesty.

Bluebird was beaming from ear-to-ear. 

 

He had thought, not unreasonably, that he had 

laid a corker of a trail and he was as pleased 

as Punch that everyone had made it safely across 

the rocks.

 

We ascended the cliffs in single file with the 

assistance of the ropes - some knotted so as to 

provide more grip. Safety first, only one

person was allowed on a roped section at a 

time. 

 

In truth, only the very last 15 feet or so 

truly required the aid of a rope. 

 

Ten minutes later we were all back on the 

cliff path atthe Long/Short split. 

Tamsin looked at her Garmin. The last mile 

had taken 49 minutes. 

 

I recalled having done this trail back in about 

2013 when my Garmin recorded an average 

speed of 1.4 MPH. 

No change over the intervening 9 years then!

Despite the time, a goodly number elected to 

do the Long. This comprised Beeficker, Beefy, 

Pisswell, Soapy, Palmolive, Fukarewe, Piddler,

Horny, U-Bend, Tamsin and the Pig. 

However, there must have been others on the 

Long before us as all of the checks had already 

been kicked out. I rather suspect that the FRB 

was probably Pollyfell.

 

At least we could now stretch our legs for the 

next 4 miles and enjoy a well earned pint in 

the Ferry Boat Inn. I looked at my watch. 

This part of the trail was hilly but potentially 

fast. I estimated ETA at the car park at 9.30 

and having a pint in my hand by 9.45.

Yes, it had been a technically and physically 

challenging trail in parts. Up to this point everything 

had been going swimmingly, and Bluebird could 

justifiably promote this trail as a candidate

for Best Lay of the Year.......well up to 9.23pm.

The last of the Longs' were almost at the bottom of 

Commons Lane. Only a half a mile to go and we'd 

be back at the cars.

 

I'd just finished laying the lastof the arrows. 

This was just in case there were any 

backmarkers that I didn't know about. Although 

this would be highly unlikely at 9.23pm. Then the 

phone rang and everything changed in an instant.

Catastrophe! Averted?

Who on earth is phoning me at this time? By the 

time that I wrestled the phone from my pocket 

it was silent. A missed call. I looked at the screen. 

 

Without my glasses is was rather blurred. 

Nevertheless, I could make out a name 

"Mary Sturgess - missed call". It was Coldtits.

 

This was not a social call at this 

time. My immediate thoughts were, 

"What's gone wrong?" I phoned her back

immediately.

"Hi Coldtits. It's Man-Pig. Where are you?"

"Hi Man-Pig" replied a positive sounding 

Coldtits. My anxiety eased fractionally.

 

At the other end of the line was a composed 

Coldtits. No hint of panic. A good start to the 

conversation.

"We're stuck at the last length of rope and

 can't get up. Ernie is on the Shorts'".

Jeeper's. They've crossed the two boulder 

fields! I was convinced there was no-one behind 

me.

"Who is "We"?" I enquired.

"Me, Georgy Porgy and Piltdown Man".

I was incredulous.

"OK. I'm 10 minutes away. I will come 

back for you now. We will do the best 

we can with torchlight from our phones".

And, with that, I retraced my steps up 

Commons Lane, across the A379 and 

back to Labrador Bay car park and the cliff 

path to the top of the Hidden Valley.

 

Only 100 yards short of the access to 

the Valley, my phone rings again. It is Coldtits. 

They have made it onto the cliff path. 

60 seconds later I am with 

them. Coldtits is fine. Piltdown Man 

is exhausted and Georgy Porgy appears 

OK but is having dizzy spells.

We make our way up to Labrador Bay

car park and Coldtits asks where my car is.

"In the Ness car park".

With hindsight, it might have been better 

for me to have stayed with the Longs all 

the way back to the 

Ness car park and jumped into my car

and made my way back to Labrador Bay. 

At least then I would 

have had torches and rope. Right now, all I 

had was a half empty container of flour!

I offered to run back and get my car but 

Coldtits said she'd phone for a taxi. 

Regrettably, no answer. 

 

So we commenced our way back to the Ness

on foot. First along the decidedly dangerous main

road and then onto the top of Common's Lane. 

 

My phone rings again. It's Smellie but I can't 

hear her. I try to phone back but no answer. 

I then borrow Coldtits' glasses and try phoning 

Bluebird. No luck. I try Forest. we're in luck...comms.

"Where are you?" Enquires Forest.

"The top of Commons Lane".

"Where's that?"

"Near Labrador Bay car park".

"Are the others with you?"

"Yes".

"Ernie, Pisswell and Beefy have gone out to look 

for you in their cars".

"How long ago did they leave?"

"They left the pub 2 minutes ago but I don't have

 Ernie's number".

"Great. I have time to run back to the top of 

Commons Lane and flag them down. Coldtits,

 Piltdown Man and Georgy Porgy are already 

on the Longs' trail, down Commons Lane. We will 

 pick them up en route".

By this time, I am at the top of Commons lane, 

for the fifth time today, I do not have long to 

wait before the cavalry arrives....relief. 

This is in the guise of a bright yellow former 

AA van followed by Ernie and his new Audi. 

I tell Pisswell and Beefy to follow 

Ernie down Commons Lane and we'll pick 

everyone up.

It is not long before everyone is safely recovered

and deposited back at the Ness car park. 

Forrest had thoughtfully collected overcoats from other 

Hashers in the pub and deposited them in Ernie's car lest 

exposure be an issue. Thankfully, they are not 

required. Piltdown is miffed by the overly difficult trail 

and doesn't want to go to the pub, although Smellie 

needs to be collected. Georgy is too tired to care. 

Coldtits just fancies a drink.

Smellie phones again. Working comms this time. 

I give her an update and say that we'll be at the pub in 

5 minutes. No time to change, we jump in Piltdown's 

car and get dropped off at the pub. It is 10.30. 

Last orders have been called and we are being shuffled 

out the door before we've even got in. It is 10.35 

and time for some very late Down-Downs.

Down-Downs

Many have already gone home. Pork Torpedo thrusts a 

plastic half pint of ale into the hands of Man-Pig, 

Piltdown-Man and Beefy. No explanations are required.

Man-Pig's Down-Down is for an overly ambitious trail 

and poor sweeping.

Piltdown Man's is for getting overly delayed on trail.

Beefy's is for being part of the rescue party.

Pork Torpedo sings us an apt song but, for the life of me, 

I can't remember what it was. Meanwhile, 

Bluebird catches it all on film for posterity.

That concluded a most eventful evening. Well, not quite. 

 

There is something called The Management of 

Expectation. It is a curious thing and basically centres 

upon different people's perception and 

interpretation of identical information. 

 

I do not know what went on in the pub. 

I rather suspect that there would, inevitably, 

have been some leg pulling of Bluebird 

regarding an overly ambitious and potentially 

dangerous trail. At the other end of the spectrum,

several Hashers will have welcomed the challenge 

and onsidered it an excellent trail. 

 

Certainly the photos of the Hashers clambering over 

the rockfalls reveal smiling faces of Hashers 

relishing the challenge.

Bluebird had put a lot of thought and effort into planning 

tonight's trail. Initially, as a Hash summer BBQ 

and subsequently "The Rockfall Challenge". 

 

Bluebird lays more than his fair share of trails 

and he is also the first port of call when Hares are thin 

on the ground or something comes up at the last moment 

that prevents the original Hare from laying their trail. 

 

Basically, we all have a lot to thank Bluebird for

over the years. 

 

Yes, the trail was challenging. Yes, part of the 

nature of the Hash is leg pulling. 

Additionally, all Hashers are expected to give as 

good as they get in the leg-pulling stakes.

Bluebird. You are an eccentric old coot, but we love 

you because of who you are, not in spite of who 

you are. 

 

We all welcome your speedy return. The nature of 

the Teign Valley Hash is what it is because of 

people like you. 

 

Whilst I would never knowingly put someone's 

life at risk, I equally do not want Hashes to 

become overly sanitised to the point of being 

bland. We already live in a cosseting and intrusive 

nanny state. 

 

Monday night is our opportunity to break free of the 

cotton wool cocoon and enjoy Devon's great outdoors.....

rockfalls and all.

We will all miss you. Speedy and safe return, my friend.

Epilogue & lessons learned

 

Well that was a close call. At one point, seemingly trapped 

between the north and south Rock Flats, 

Georgy Porgy was on the verge of calling the coast guard. 

 

Thankfully, Coldtits encouraged Georgy to push 

on over the second rockfall and the temporary respite 

of the roped climb to higher ground. At least there 

would be no exposure to the incoming spring tide. 

 

If the coastguard had been called, you can bet your bottom 

dollar that there would have been an enquiry into the 

activities of the Hash and it might not have stopped at 

just TVH3 being under the microscope.

This is not the time for finger pointing, blame or

 recrimination. However, it is a timely opportunity 

for some introspection.

Most us know what Bluebird trails are likely to

comprise. They are frequently challenging. 

 

Any outdoor activity has an element of danger 

associated with it. It is up to us, individually, to 

decide for ourselves if we want to expose ourselves

to these potential dangers. 

 

Some exposure is as a result of the trail itself. 

Other exposure, maybe entirely down to individual 

behaviour and how we tackle the terrain below our 

feet. 

 

If we are going to charge down rocky ravine at full pelt, 

we can expect to:

a) eventually fall over

b) get hurt when you do fall

We are all adults and responsible for our own 

safety and, collectively, the safety of our fellow 

Hashers.

 

I do not want the nature of the Hash to change and

I certainly do want any outside interference with 

the Hash - even though it is likely to be dressed up

 by some well intentioned do-gooders as "....

It's in your own best interests". 

 

I am sure that none of us want the Hash to run the 

risk of being sanitised to the point of being bland, 

dull and boring.

I have had a look at the photos posted on the 

TVH3 Facebook page on Tuesday. All I see is 

happy smiling faces atop the rockfalls. 

 

Accordingly, I think it would be a fair assumption 

that the majority of the Hashers thoroughly enjoyed 

last night's trail. 

 

Yes, the clambering over the rockfalls was, at times, 

challenging, tiring and painful. However, that didn't 

prevent at least a dozen Hashers committing to 4 

more miles on the Long at the Long/Short split.

There is a well known saying: You can please some 

of the people all of the time. You can please all of the 

people some of the time. 

However, you will not be able to please all of the 

people all of the time. 

 

And so it is with the Hash. We do our best to 

accommodate an age range of between 6 and 80+,

male and female, and all of differing abilities. 

 

With the best will in the world we will not get it 

right every time - or for everyone. 

 

Please accept this as a fact of life.

Last night's trail was a typical Bluebird trail. 

Exciting, interesting, different........just plain 

Bluebird really. 

 

However, the clamber across the rockfalls is 

always slow and time is always going to be a factor 

in undertaking a trail of this nature.

Man-Pig was supposed to be doing the sweeping 

of both the Longs and the Shorts along the beach. 

I was aware that I had passed some Hashers on 

the beach straight after the smugglers' tunnel. 

 

Several times I looked behind me but I could see 

no-one.

 

I believed that everyone behind me had turned back

and done their own thing. 

 

As it was, Melon-Picker and I were at least 10 minutes 

behind all those ahead of us by the time we reached the

roped ascent to the Hidden Valley. 

 

As far as I was concerned, I had no reason to believe that 

there was anyone behind us.

The timeline of events shows that our three stranded

Hashers arrived at the rope ascent atthe northern end of 

the Rock Flats approximately three quarters of an 

hour after the sweeping Hare. 

 

This was nearly an hour after 

the arrival of the FRB's. 

 

The single reason for this huge discrepancy was the 

nature of the terrain. The rockfalls make for jolly 

slow going. 

 

Yes, I am guilty of not having swept properly. 

Equally, unless there are at least 3 Hares 

 (and I can't remember the last 

time that TVH3 had a 3 Hare trail) 

it is not realistic to expect the 2 Hares to comprehensively 

marshal a trail where there is an hour's difference 

between the FRB's and the tail-enders over exactly 

the same course. 

 

In this respect, I think that a certain amount of 

introspection is required.

We are all getting older and slower. We no longer 

have any members of the Hash whose daily routine 

includes undertaking the assault course at Lympstone.

 

We must be aware of our own limitations. Many 

of us like to push ourselves on the Hash, including 

me. 

 

Nevertheless, it is an unfair burden to place on 

the Hares to expect them to cater for every eventuality. 

 

This includes marshalling a 3 hour hash when it 

should have taken two hours.

However, all is not doom and gloom. Far from it. 

There is most definitely a silver lining to all of this. 

The camaraderie and support of the Hash is excellent. 

Special thanks must go to:

Ernie: for running on ahead to raise the alarm at the 

pub and then to jump in his car and come back out 

to recover the stranded trio.

Forrest-Stump: for his forethought in ensuring that 

Ernie took with him warm coats; remember our

 stranded Hashers were dressed for the summer. 

 

These thanks are, additionally, extended to all those 

who volunteered their fleeces, jackets and coats to the cause.

Beefy and Pisswell: for coming to the rescue in their

AA van. Fortunately, no-one had broken down.....

just running a little slower than usual. 

Last night there were heroes and victims. There were 

no villains, other than time. 

 

Last night we had a lucky escape. The coastguard was 

not called out. 

 

May I respectfully ask that both Hashers and Hares 

reflect on the events of last night going forward?

Thank you.

Next week

Next week's Hash is at The Sea Trout 

with Hares - Bobbiball and Man-Pig.

On-On to next week.

TEAPOT TURNS 80 & UPSETTING NEWS

TVH3 The Words for 31st July 2023  

The Ship Inn, Cockwood  

 

Run No. 1980

HARES: Piltdown Man & Georgy Porgy

Who wuz there: Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, U-Bend, Man-Pig, Forrest-Stump, Perry, Tamsin (Miss In'), Smellie, Beefy, Pisswell, Fukarewe, Ernie, Beeflicker, Slip-on-Me, Melon-Picker, Soapy, Palmolive, Strap-On, Ablesemen, Rise 'n' Shine, Mateus Rose, Wetfart and youthful birthday boy - Teapot

Circle

Once again, U-Bend assumed the role of GM for the evening in the absence of Shitfaced. Announcements were few. Smellie repeated last week's update on available Haring opportunities; namely 25th September. 

Man-Pig advised a change of venue for next week's Hash. Due to the poor weather forecast, Bluebird was going to abandon his plans for a barbecue on the beach. 

Additionally, the on-down was now going to be the Ferry Boat in Shaldon with the circle up in the Ness car park.

On the subject of circles, the numbers present at this evening's circle were a little down - only 22. I suspect that the school holidays had forced parental commitments on some whilst others were still recovering from the Isca Roman Away which had only concluded on Sunday afternoon.

Then some upsetting news. Piltdown Man stepped into the circle with an update on Winfield. Winfield now needs to use a wheelchair when he is taken out by his carers. Regrettably, his new wheel chair wasn't strapped down properly in the back of one of the carer's vans. The wheelchair fell backwards and poor old Winfield is now in RD&E with a broken neck and other complications. It goes without saying that all our thoughts are with Hovel Annie and Winfield's family.

On that sad note it was over to the Hare for some rudimentary instructions:

"It's On-On up there" and Piltdown pointed up Church Road.

The Hare did enlighten us that he wouldn't be running. There was a Walkers' trail but it might not be marked. The Shorts would be about 4 miles and the Longs' about 6 (that's a whole mile less than was overheard a few minute earlier).

The Trail

In, almost a repeat of last week, we were, once again, back at a pub that we haven't run from in ages (I'm sure Bluebird will enlighten us with the exact date that we were last at The Ship Inn, Cockwood, or should that be Cockoo'd?). Local Harriet, Bev, confirmed that the locals refer to their village as Cockoo'd. 

Perhaps, under the circumstances, it was appropriate to be running from The Ship as this was one of the pubs from which Winfield has previously laid hashes. He was the Hare the last time that we'd run from here.  

In fact it was #1713 23rd October 2017. Prior to that, Winfield laid a hash here in 2013.

The trail took us a short way up Church Road before two arrows had us bear left and up a steep cul-de-sac, called Middlewood, which then turned into a steep track. I do not recall ever having run up here before. 

Too much yapping post circle meant that I was at the back of the pack. However, before too long, I could see Wetfart and Teapot continuing up Church Road on the Walkers' trail whilst I started the ascent up Middlewood, picking off back markers Rise'n'Shine and Mateus Rose.

Somehow, I managed to catch up with Pisswell and Forrest Stump before we rejoined tarmac on Cofton Hill. 

Descending Cofton Hill ,an arrow had us bear right and onto a public footpath through the woods above Cofton Holiday park. Passing Soapy and Palmolive (yakking), I could see Ernie, Fukarewe and Tamsin in front of me as we descended through the woods and through the graveyard of Cofton Church. It all looked rather peaceful.

Despite a day of changeable weather, the sun had come out but there was a brisk, and refreshing, breeze to cool you down.

 

A short jaunt through the holiday park and three arrows had us crossing the A379 at Cofford Cottages. We passed a car storage area on the left and ran along a track towards the first Long/Short split at Higher Cofford. 

Beeflicker was running back from the Short, and we had caught up with Beefy. Confusingly, there were two checks, one of which had been kicked out. Eventually, we worked out that one check was for the Longs' and the other for the Shorts'....cunning. I had never seen this before - note to self, "There are no rules on the Hash".

The Longs' comprising Beeflicker, Beefy, Man-Pig, Tamsin, Ernie, Fukarewe and Pisswell, headed due west towards Westlake Farm and then negotiated a U-turn to take us back onto the track that we'd just been on. 

At a ninety degree bend, the FRB's had run out of marks. A poorly signed public footpath led across some duckboards through marshy ground. Beefy found a mark and we were back on trail heading for Mowlish Farm. Another arrow had us bear left onto Mowlish Lane and, after a couple of hundred yards, we came to a check.

Beeflicker had us on trail and heading up the edge of a field towards Mamhead House. 

As we exited the field, we were greeted by the Hare who was  sweeping in his car...what a novel idea. The Hare directed us right and up a lane towards Black Forest Lodge. Before the lodge an arrow led us onto a footpath that skirted the lower edge of a wood.

 

It was at the point, the marks changed from being laid in flour to being laid in dead dogs, or that's what it looked like. Although it is more likely to have been a dead and decaying fox.

The end of the footpath came back onto road at Kenton Common and an arrow had us steer hard to starboard and along the road that leads straight into Starcross....but not for us.

At the first crossroads, the trail took us to port and along a decidedly underused lane running along Wood Brake to the east of us. At the top of this lane, we hit a 3 way junction with another track and a road. Hard to starboard this time and up a recently strimmed track (today's Hares are so thoughtful) towards a small wood and the second Long/Short split. 

 

I think all the FRB's went Long, up a steepish track along the north edge of the wood and then down a steep lane and onto the sweetie stop.

Well, I say sweetie-stop but this is an injustice. The sweeties were, in fact, chocolate covered strawberries, hand dipped by Georgy Porgy - delicious. 

Beeflicker, Beefy and Man-Pig commenced the final leg of the trail as the balance of the FRB's were just arriving. This was probably just as well as I think we were rather tempted by a third strawberry each. 

We were just shy of Vennabridge Farm when the trail took us left and up our last bit of off-road and up a track that leads to Staplake Lane. From here it was downhill into the back of Starcross. A right turn, past the primary school and the back of the golf course before arriving at the staggered cross roads opposite Cock'ood boat pool and the final 100m to the On-Down.

What a fantastic run; 6.41 miles and much of it on virgin territory. Well done, Piltdown man and Georgy Porgy. Two fantastic trails on two consecutive Mondays!

Down-Downs

It was a pleasant evening, so we all stood or sat outside quaffing our ales. The pub had been kind enough to donate the four halves of beer for the Down-Downs. Accordingly, RA Forerst-Stump commenced by thanking the pub for the beer. Then it was rapidly over to last week's miscreants for the awards.

Ablesemen (award in car) was the first to step forward and select a sinner for an award. Able told us of a not so gallant Hasher. The previous week this Hasher asked why Ablesemen has her shirt on upside down? Upside down? Surely an impossibility. Naiively, Able lifted up her shirt to inspect the typescript and, in so doing, reveals all. What a low-down trick to play on a sweet young Harriet (albeit with great t**s). Ernie you are a scoundrel. Ernie downed his beer to the accompaniment of "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy".

Forrest had two awards from the previous week. The child's wellington boot (appears to have replaced the bull's sperm collector as the Hash's down-down vessel of choice) went to Fukarewe. But why? 

Initially, Forrest had thought that he'd caught up with Teapot on the Long. Hmmm, highly unlikely. This then appeared to be confirmed by the sound of Teapot's horn - or was it? A train was speeding by, it's horn blaring. The ID of this teapot doppelgänger? Fukarewe. Melon-Picker pipes up with, "The Grand Old Duke of York".

Forrest's second award was the Hashshit shirt. There followed the story of two Harriets who were yakking away incessantly on trail. The two culprits, with more rabbit than Sainsbury's, were Soapy and Palmolive. A vote was called for, and ignored, as Soapy stepped up to receive the Hash shirt in proper fashion i.e. by removing her top. Well, not all of her top. Her modesty was protected by a black sports bra. A note for "Gattling Gob".

Finally, a Down-Down for each of the Hares for a lovely trail and for another stretch of virgin territory. It was, indeed, a lovely run with an especially nice "sweetie stop" where the sweets came in the form of chocolate dipped strawberries. So good, I had to have two. Thank you Georgy.

Well, not quite finally. Sat on a table outside the pub was a tray of chocholate cake - baked courtesy of Ablesemen. In fact, it was also a birthday cake. But who was it for? None other than our former Grand Master over several years - Teapot. Teapot had just celebrated his 80th birthday the previous Friday....and still Hashing and blowing his horn. 

Well done indeed.

Next week

Next week's Hash is at The Ferry Boat Inn, Shaldon with Hare - Bluebird. Circle up in the Ness car park.

On-On to next week.

Hash #1980 from the Ship Inn at Cockwood

 

Wetfart knows something.

Deputy GM, U Bend exhorts his cohorts.

Circle convenes outside the Ship Inn.

Co-hare Piltdown advises the assembled hashers.

Hey-ho, hey-ho, it's on the trail we go. A ribbon of hashers 'dwarfed'  by towering trees.

The harbour at Cockwood - a dramatic photo by Beefy.

The longs in full flight led by Long Tall Sally MP. Proof that the camera does indeed 'lie'.

DON'T SPILL A DROP!

TVH3 The Words for 24th July 2023

The Royal Oak, Dunsford  

 

Run No. 1979

HARES: Forrest Stump & Pisswell

Who wuz there: Forrest-Stump, Pisswell, U-Bend, Man-Pig, Wetfart, Archangel, Zoot, Hotlips, Ollie (Hotlips' son), Bluebird, Tamsin (Miss Ing), Wood-Lend, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beefy, Beeflicker, Slip-on-Me, Big End & Daughter, Ned, Well Hopped, Fukarewe, Ernie, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Fallen Woman, Soapy, Palmolive, Melonpicker, Piddler, Strap-On and a young, fast returnee - also named Ollie.

Circle

In the absence of Shitfaced, U-Bend assumed the role of GM for the evening. Smellie announced that the next available slot for Haring was 25th September. 

Forrest was just about to explain the trail when Wood-Lend arrived late in a brand new Suzuki - very posh.

Eventually, some (mis)guidance from the Hare. The trail was laid in both sawdust and flour. Some parts of the trail were "out & back". Accordingly, blobs of flour or sawdust would be on both siders of the road or track. 

Distance wise....now listen very, very carefully....there was a very Short, a very very Short and a Walkers'. I didn't actually hear mention of a Medium or Longs but, apparently, 6 miles was mentioned. Then Pisswell chipped in that there would be both a drink stop and a sweetie stop but, and this is a BIG BUT, you had to bring your own cup. I don't think anyone had their own cup.

The Trail

Well, it's been a long, long time since we ran from the Royal Oak. 2015 to be precise. Would the run be equally as long. With the demon duo of Forrest-Stump and Pisswel as Hares the portents were that it would, indeed, be Long.....perhaps even longer than The Words.....well, not that Long!

So, where did we go? On a lot of virgin territory with some fantastic views. But it was long. Longer for some than others as we shall see.

We turned right out of the car park behind the pub and, in next to no time we cam to the Walkers/Long & Short split. A few yards further down our first check. 

The wide track up to the right looked promising. A promise that appeared to have been confirmed by Fukarewe returning from the other direction empty handed - obviously not on trail. Hence it had to be up this track. Most of the pack had already embarked in a northwesterly direction up towards Collarbridge led by Beeflicker. Backmarking FRB's were soon overtaking the rest of the pack. I only saw one mark but most of the pack were still in front of me and heading uphill. The Bird and I steadilly picked them off until we were on our own with just Beeflicker and Tamsin ahead of us.

It was at this point that we were just a little perturbed about the absence of marks. We could just see Beeflcicer and Tamsin ahead of us and we could still hear Hashers behind us. Sights fixed on the FRB, we were on a mission, marks or no marks. It had to be "on" this way. Myopically, we closed in on the slowing FRB's. in fact they had ground to a halt scratching their heads.

"Are we On?" enquired Beeflicker.

A perfectly reasonable request to which I honestly responded "Yes".

We carried on and on and up to the junction with a lane at Collarbridge; an ideal place for a check, or failing that, at least a dot. Nothing. Absolutely billy zip. Whilst we were navel gazing in disbelief Strap-On arrived.

"Maybe we are on Trail after all", I pondered. However, after a couple of minutes no-one else had arrived so back down it was. All the way back down into Dunsford where Pisswell was waiting for us. Sure enough, less than 150m from the start of the track there was, indeed, a cross in sawdust. The Bird and I were suspicious. Had this cross been put in AFTER we had commenced our ascent. we were convinced it had been. A glance at the Satnav, just under 1.5 miles and we still less less than 200m from the pub. We were also a long way behind and with little knowledge of what was yet to come.

A jolly Pisswell pointed us in the right direction and after only 50 yards (imperial measurements now) there was a Long/Short split.

"Surely Fukarewe can't have missed this", I thought. It turned out to be a bit of a spooky L/S split as the Shorts stayed on the road whilst the Longs ran in parallel along the raised pavement. A check had us go left. In front of us rose Bridford Woods. I had a strong feeling, "I bet we're going to the top of those woods...and they look quite high".

After another 250 yards an arrow had us going left, over a stile, and along a slightly overgrown footpath. The road that we had just run down had marks on both the left and the right. this would be the "Out & Back" part of the trail. The footpath then crossed a field and onto the Exeter-Mortenhampstead Road. Here we caught up with back markers Strap-On and Smellie. The ensemble now comprised Man-Pig, Bluebird, Tamsin, Smellie and Strap-On. Beeflicker was well gone. Somehow we'd lost the trail by the time we hit the road. Man-Pig checked right and found the "On-Home" marks for the Walkers. Time to check in the opposite direction. Sure enough an arrow had us crossing the road and joining the footpath behind "The Old Dairy".

 

 

"Stepping Stones!". Smellie took one look at them and hightailed it back to the pub......a wise decision. The Pig, with some considerable trepidation, made it nearly all the way across before bottling out and jumping into the river, bypassing the final two stones. Behind me shrieks. "I'm stuck Man-Pig. I'm stuck". The septuagenarian Bird had bitten off more than he could chew. this was not helped by him insisting on filming his dilemma and thereby becoming even more unbalanced. The Christian Pig, recalling his St Christopher's pendant from many years ago, jumped back in to hold the Birds's hand. Eventually, the Bird made it to the other side but had to resort to jumping into the river rather than risk the last two stones.

Tamsin made a far better go of it. she managed 50% of the stones unaided but eventually succumbed to the wet stuff. Finally, Start-On gave it a go. 50-50. Fifty percent goat and 50% duck as he leapt and then waddled his way to the far side of the Teign. By this time, Pisswell had arrived.

"Watch out for the wobbly rock".

"What wobbly rock?"

"The one you're next to".

Sure enough, it was a wobbler. But I hadn't noticed it when I'd been standing on it.

Into Bridford Woods and a check which had been kicked-out, inevitably uphill. Up we went on a well marked trail. Just as the track levelled off, another check kicked-out left and onto a track at the edge of the Woods just next to a transmitter. We could hear calling ahead of us. We ran through the farm at Woodland and then stopped. Not one cross but two, one on either side of the road. Off course, we stopped dead. But, no less than 50 yards ahead of us were the rest of the Longs and Shorts. this comprised: Fallen Woman, Big end, Ned, Big end's daughter, Well Hopped, Beeflicker, Wood-Lend, Pork Torpedo, Horny and Soapy. They were looking as perplexed as we were.

Eventually a call of "On-On", but from whom? We were on tarmac, good condition tarmac too, and skirting the lower edges of Copplestone Down. I was convinced that this was a private drive to an estate. it is only now, having looked at the OS map, that I can see that it is part of the public highway. It appears to be called Heath Road and it runs straight through the middle of Woodlands Farm.

At the edge of Copplestone Down, a Long/Short split had the Shorts turn right and onto a footpath that takes them across Lower Lowton Down, through Lowton Farm, thence onto Burnicombe before rejoining the Longs at Thorn Farm. At least, this is where it was supposed to go. Imagine Forrest's surprise to meet the Shorts at Plaston Green after they had been upto Helltor Rock.....a map reading error at Burnicombe methinks.

Meanwhile, back on the Longs, the Pig and the Bird caught up with Beefy and Wood-Lend at Windhill Cross. At Windhill Cross farm, we found the track blocked by an ambulance. We thought that this was the promised drink stop and that Pisswell had, somehow purloined a krankenwagon from Torbay Hospital. Not so, a real ambulance and really broken down...in the middle of nowhere. The trail was now pretty much on the ridgeline (at 930 ft above sea level) dead straight and heading due west along Neadon Lane towards Plaistow Green. In fact, it was so straight that I caught my first glimpse of Beeflicker in 5 miles.

At the junction with Lowton Lane, the Bird bailed out. He bee-lined off-trail and down Lowton Lane. He is a thirsty man and he didn't want to miss last orders. 

The Pig followed Beeflicker, Beefy and Wood-Lend, only just ahead of Tamsin...she was doing really well. We were already at the 6 mile marker when we came to an in and out arrow. This was a jolly jaunt up to Heltor Rock and our second viewpoint en trail. A quick photo shoot with Beefy and we were off again. 

At Plaston Green, a vaguely familiar shape appeared. A silver Peugeot estate. It was Forrest-Stump but there was no beer and no sweets. Apparently, they had been at Heltor but we hadn't seen them. 

Forrest said that the Shorts had been through, although they shouldn't have been on this part of the trail. The check had been kicked out, and Forrest confirmed the route as along the lane towards Lower Heltor and then take the second footpath on the right.

We saw an arrow, in sawdust, pointing down a slightly overgrown footpath. Not having clocked another footpath, we assumed that this must be the first footpath and ignored it. 

We carried on into Middle Heltor but found nothing. It was just the Pig, Beefy and Tamsin forming the backmarkers on the Longs. Wood-Lend and Beeflicker were now out of sight but we did wonder if we would catch up with the Shorts but we never did.

The final part of the trail was almost all downhill - thankfully. Heltor had been the highest point. The early parts of this footpath had a dense tree covering and it was now decidedly tipsy. We didn't really need to be out much longer. It was bang on 9pm. 

The trail took us through a small wood and then took a right and downhill across open pasture before dropping back into Bridford Wood. 

A long, but simple descent, on a wide track had us back on the main road at Steps Bridge. But not for long. A final LS/W split had the Walkers remain on the main road whilst the Longs and the Shorts were back into Bridford Woods for the third, and final,  time. 

Eventually, we came to a kicked out check, but it was kicked out uphill. We also came to an arrow, in flour, that was pointing in the direction we'd just come. The logical explanation is that the last leg of the Longs & Shorts return trail was, in fact, the Walkers' outward trail. A sharp left turn had us running downhill and back to the stepping stones that we'd battled with nearly 2 hours past!

We backtracked the outward trail the short distance to the pub. It was almost 9.30. Surely Forrest would have pushed on and completed the Down-Downs by now?

Actually a fantastic trail and a whole load of virgin territory too. So well done Forrest and Pisswell. Additional congratulations to Tamsin for completing all the Longs including the early 1.5 mile fools' errand.

Down-Downs

No. It was 9.45 and the Down-Downs had not been done and the food was still coming out of the kitchen. I was amazed that Smellie was still standing. She must have been in the pub a good hour and a half before the final longs had returned!

Forrest nominated the Pig to conduct proceedings but there was a proviso. The Down-Downs had to be done outside as absolutely no beer was to be spilt on the carpet. 

A light rain had started to fall so some Kissengeresque diplomacy from Forrest won Julie (the landlady) round. We would be allowed to do the Down-Downs inside BUT DON'T SPILL ANY ON THE CARPET!

First up was Smellie. She had two awards from last week. The first one was the birthday hat. There was some discussion about marks and double crosses and hazardous stepping stones. Which of the Hares was to blame? Pisswell or Forrest? Forrest of course. Pork Torpedo offered us the Aladdin's Lamp ditty.

Next up was Strap-On. He had the Jester's hat. There was only one contender. Strap-On regails the story of whingeing and whining in the extreme. The flightless Bird had alighted upon a stepping stone mid-river and could not get off. What a dreadful wail. It was ten times worse than someone learning the bagpipes. What made things even worse was that it went on for ages. So much so that the Pig had to swim to the rescue of someone who is old enough to know better. A down-down for the stranded Bird.

Ablesemen had the third award. After putting Forrest in the frame for another half, Forrest stepped forward to relate the saga of the stepping stones. 'For sheer effort and determination, Able gets the vote!' Bacardi Hat back to Able. Cue Sngmeister with 'Love me Tender' before Able spills nary a drop. All three DD's supped and a clean sheet - as well as a dry carpet.

Finally, the Hashshit shirt. This has spent the past 5 minutes on the floor of the pub, allegedly saving the carpet from dribbles of beer from the Down-Downs. The shirt was so filthy that it would have been far better to risk the dribbles. Nevertheless, Smellie recovered the biohazard from the floor and giave us a little story. 

One of our senior Harriets did ever so well. She was on the Shorts but, in fairness, this was quite a long Short. So long, in fact, that she sneaked a lift back to the pub with the Hare! 

The final Down-Down goes to Fallen Woman to the accompaniment of Pork Torpedo's Aladdin's Lamp. She carefully drank most before abruptly walking back to her chair to drink the rest! That hash gent Forrest stepped in to finish the half. 'He's always been my hero.' said FW.

Next week

Next week's Hash is at The Ship, Cockwood with Hares Piltdown Man and Georgy Porgy.

On-On to next week.

DOWN-DOWNS FROM THE ROYAL OAK

 

'I KNOW WHERE I AM.'

 Way, way off course - of course, the beat-up and bedraggled Bird has just hit the main road and the six mile marker. A familiar sign is spotted - the same one he passed driving to Dunsford. At least it's all back on road.

FRB's ON A FOOL'S ERRAND

 At the first check, Fukarwi was seen returning from one direction, and with two marks seen up the off-road path, the game looked on on. Beeflicker, Man-Pig, Miss 'Inn and BB assumed FRB role, but, they were on a fool's errand.

CIRCLE FROM THE ROYAL OAK CP

 

'HELP, MAN-PIG, I'M STUCK!'

 As you may be aware, Bluebird and water do not mix. Remember the time he fell in crossing another moorland river and his cam got washed away? Remember the time Beefy dropped him in Galmpton Creek? 

This dread evening, the stepping stones were wet, the river was running fast, and, ultimately, the Bird's nerve failed.

Thanks, MP, for realizing that I really was stuck and coming back to assist.

The annals will record the awful event, and in years to come, hashers will watch again and think:

What a Wally!

ADVENTURE APLENTY ON FORREST'S HASH

 Circle, on trail and Down-down videos to follow shortly.

ERNIE ON STEROIDS & BORN AGAIN BEEFY

THEBIRDISTHEWORD

Entertaining and innovative though they Shirley were, the hare's grid word search on Facebook did not provide an account of Soapy and Melon Picker's excellent trail from the Star at Liverton on run #1978.

For the tiny band of words junkies out there, herewith are a few highlights of the Star's trail.

 

If you had asked me Friday or Saturday, I would have hardly dared thought it possible to make #1978. 

 

However, my circumstances changed for the better on Monday to enable making the relatively short excursion out to Liverton.

 

A beautiful evening and no excuses for the fair weather hashers not to venture out. 

 

The list may not be complete, but I spotted these hashers at the circle: Teapot, Piltown, Georgy, Forrest, Woodlend, Man-Pig, Pisswell, Beefy, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, U Bend, Cheerio, Hornie, Pork Torpedo, Well Hopped, Big End, Archangel, Shitfaced, Wetfart, Zoot, Hotlips, Smellie, Palmolive, Polyfella, Beeflicker, Slip on Me, SatNav, Miss 'Inn (Tamsin), Ernie and a gent who seemed to be with Zoot and Hotlips. Roughly 31 or 32, I estimate.

 

There was talk of a sweetie stop and marks in various media but the most important detail I always listen for is the distance of the long. Six miles is a maximum, any further and injury beckons. Tonight's long was (accurately) predicted to be 5.5 - 6 miles so a full bank of green go lights.

 

Unless I have a warm-up jog, lethargic is the dinosaur, and tonight was no exception but not having run since the previous week's 7 mile epic from the Monks Retreat, I wasn't expecting anything out of the ordinary.

 

The FRB's were away and gone before Man-Pig and I hit the main road, and then the twinges in the knee started and MP receded into the distance. 

 

Shuffled well to the rear, I teamed up with Forrest and Muttley and progress was resumed albeit via walking and jogging. 

 

Up ahead, two black-attired hashers came into vision. I took them to be Well Hopped and Big End, but as we closed, they turned out to be U Bend and Cheerio! Should have gone to...

 

A long gentle climb on tarmac got the lawnmower engine started again and I was slightly more optimistic of continuing on the long.

 

A hard a port junction and, just as I was climbing a gate, I caught a fleeting glimpse of a red vested hasher in front. Ernie! Gotcha! and the lawnmower revved furiously as the faded blue Archaeopteryx set off in pursuit.

 

A quarter of a mile later, the red vested figure was serenely drawing away - what?! It cannot be, Ernie on steroids?  

From an elevated position in the fields, I caught sight of a trail of hashers crossing a mown field - HA! They all were going the long way round - time to head 'em off at the pass, padre.

 

Blast it! There was Beefy, born again FRB, with phone camera in hand, and he had only spotted the SC'ing Bird and was taking aim - whatamistakathebirdmada! The photographic evidence would later be presented to the jury and gleeful would be the Birdbaiters. Sigh...

 

The awful truth was revealed - it wasn't Ernie I had been chasing, it was Polyfella, also red t-shirt attired, yes, really should have gone to..

Suddenly, we found ourselves in the middle of Stover golf course and shorts and longs had come together - Shirley a triumph for the hares so late in the trail.

 

Back in business Bird threw in a sub 9 minute mile but Beefy followed effortlessly before pressing on for the sweetie stop.

 

The FRB's comprising Big End, Well Hopped, Polyfella, Wood Lend, Man-Pig, Beeflicker and Beefy had assembled and were rifling the sweetie bag.

 

We were close to the ranch house now and just the maze of paths through Stover park to navigate to earn a beer or two.

 

The Bird homing device failed miserably as I told Wood Lend it was left for the pub as he pointed right - and he was right!

 

A brief melee ensued as hashers came back on themselves but the Bird saw Man-Pig continuing and wisely headed for the exit. Five point five mies in the bag and the knee twinges had gone - result!

 

Thank you hares, great trail.

FORREST UPDATE REGARDING FOOD MONDAY

The Royal Oak will take orders at the circle (but would appreciate orders before if possible) but only for beef burgers and chips , vegetable lasagna , beef lasagna and cod and chips.

Tester!

 This is the first of many! Testing to see if this works! On On Shitfaced 

COMMENTS ENABLED

Look at the foot of each post to find the time stamp, author (Grand Master and Wigwam able to post) and comments box. Gradually remembering  how the template was set up a few years ago. Keep checking, as the revamp is not yet complete.

ADVANCE NOTICE - NEXT MONDAY'S HASH

Hash menu for next Monday 24th July from the Royal Oak at Dunsford.

You will be able to book before the circle but Forrest informs that the pub would really appreciate orders early - Monday during the day, hopefully. 

Thank you. Their telephone:   01647 252256

Spicy bean burger served with chips (Ve) £8.95 (+cheese £1)

Beef burger served with chips £9.95 (+cheese £1)

Home cooked ham egg & chips (Large/small portion) £9.45/7.95

Battered cod chips and peas (Large/small portion) £9.45/7.95

Beef lasagne (with garlic bread or salad)

£8.95 Vegan/Vegetable lasagne (with garlic bread or salad) (V) £9.45 Chicken goujons with chips & peas/salad £9.95

Scampi with chips & peas/salad £9.95

Pies (All served with chips/new potatoes & salad/petit pois) Steak & ale, Chicken leek & hamhock, Mushroom & spinach (V) All £11.45

MAIN WEBSITE UPGRADE & REVAMP

After chatting to Wetfart, who is not on Facebook, I have had a thought about the relevant importance of our two sites: the Facebook page and our main website at http://www.teignvalleyh3.com

We pay a yearly sum for the domain but for a few years now, it has merely ticked over and has really only served to announce each week's hash location.

 

Long term hashers may recall the glory days of http://www.preconderotous.blogspot.com (2007 - 2013 now mothballed) a dual-purpose site which included many hundreds of images, reports and video clips of TVH3.

 

Before that, Flowery Twats (Steve Wilbraham) blazed the trail with his excellent members interactive website which was at the forefront of technology at that time.

 

I am presently upgrading and revamping the website - slowly, as I have to relearn much of the HTML incorporated a decade ago on a custom imported template.

 

Some of the content will be reposted on the FB page but much of it will remain unique to the website to encourage hashers to shift their focus.

 

 

You will, like FB, be able to post comments, and an added benefit will be that anyone will be able to view the content and thus encourage new members.

DOWN-DOWNS FROM THE STAR #1978

 

SWEETIE STOP Hash #1978

 

TRAIL BRIEFING FROM THE STAR

 

TOUR DE PANZER

It's what you've all been waiting for, and here it is, the grand Tour of Bobby Woll's new panzerkampfwagen.