A GRAND MASTER CALLED SHITFACED, FUKARWI GOES ROGUE & PAN FART PROMOTED TO FRB

Run #1794 Monday 13th May from The Old Church House Inn Torbryan with the Fukarwi Family

It was to be a big night for TVH as Piltdown Man was relinquishing his tenure as Grand Master, leaving a vacancy to be filled - more on this later Oh Dearly Bored Already but let us start at the beginning - always a good idea..

The run, the pub and the AGPU meeting, yes, Oh Dearly Congested, it was going to be a hectic evening with TVH, so let's Rocknrolla...

So many came to be amused and the pub car park was soon overwhelmed by carbon spewing chariots. A dread rumbling in the distance became a roar as Achtung Bobby Woll's Panzer hove into view. Furiously did hashers try to flag him down but Bobby, with that trademark snarl, was not for turning and hashers leapt for their lives as the Panzer trundled into the car park. The Rottenführer was back in business..

The Penners, just up the road, had hatched a cunning plan to enable them to adhere to the PU part of the AGPU. Why, they would simply walk there and Shirley Stagger back. They had a stroke of luck, however, as Only Here was passing and they piled in the back of the open chariot to arrive 'in style' Shirley - more on the return later...

Difficult to see who was where Wally but I made out: Piltdown & Georgy, Rambo & Doris, Winfield, Teapot, Beefy, Fukarwi, Coldtits, Manopause, Erection, Wet Johnny (back from Bolivia baby), Hotlips & Zoot, 3sum, SatNav, Twin Buffers, Polyfella, Pan Fart, Abscess, Anita, Gosia, 69, Forrest, Sarah, Piddler, U Bend, Poacher, Klingon, SM Ellie (still standing after Sunday's Beer Blazer 10 miler), Soapy & Melon Picker, Able, Shitfaced, T Humper, I-Poo'd, Only Here, Compo, Mouldy, Bobby Woll, Wiggers, Slip on Me, Sugar Puff, Camel Toe, BB, 5 virgins: Gina, Joseph, Debs, Sue & Sarah - that's fifty and sorry if I missed you in the mayhem Mavis. Archangel wasn't going to miss a PU and arrived after the run.

The very last question Oh Dearly Relieved by GM Piltdown was duly delivered (Able taking the beer) and Fukarwi was summoned to divulge the ingredients of what should have been a 'simple and short' hors d'oeuvre trail - but the famously nam-ed one evidently hadn't read the script, Oh Dearly Be prepared for an Epic...

Now it's usually a day off for the designated hare for the AGPU as the instruction from on high is: 'Take them out for half an hour or so and get 'em into the pub quick...' but the FRB hare had other plans and was about to go rogue..

FIVE L/S splits and an ASS* stop - WHAT? Hash tradition hadn't just gone out the window, Fukarwi had smashed the glass as well - I like it, I like it and the FRBs and lordly longs lifted their eyes to heaven in thanks for the deliverance from an evil [sic] manufactured shorty Shirley..

Fukarwi had left nothing to chance Charlie and had planned the trail as if it were a military operation which his detailed map bore ample testament. The only question was - would it actually work Winfield?

The hell hill out of Torbryan came as a Shirley Shock and soon strung the pack out. It took quite an effort to rejoin the longs on Orley Common. Decanting into the tightly twisting wooded trail saw Sugar Puff, Pan Fart, Abscess, Poacher, Manopause, Compo and WJ to the fore. Though temporarily missing, Beefy soon appeared on hitting the tarmac with phone a snappin' Shirley..

Gaps started to appear on the aching asphalt (for serial off roaders) and Beefy the FRB scout surged onwards but with two passengers keeping him in sight - one was well-known but the other was definitely not - Pan Fart was really rolling tonight and it was a helluva eye-opener as he skated away up an incline. At the end of the run, Pan Fart had been promoted to the hallowed halls of the FRBs. Hallelujah!

At about halfway the welcome cider and SS appeared, manned by faithful Fukarwi's family - and again there was attention to detail with a table neatly bedecked with the drinks and sweeties. We tarried for a chat and breather in the sunshine before pressing onwards into the already amazing trail and there was plenty more to come.

Arriving late on the scene as stamina came into play, Polyfella joined the party of Beefy, Pan Fart and the battling Bird and apart from going astray late on, the church hove into view and we were home with a Magnificent Seven miles in the bag Beefy. Holy moly and Olé!

Sweeping the area for casualties or fatalities, Fukarwi came across one serene soul, wandering lonely as a cloud. He pulled up and gently enquired whether the delightful damsel required asistance or a lift back to base even. The Latecoming Queen's answer was predictable and Fukarwi left Coldtits to continue her merry way...the Lady was not for turning, No? Well..

The Old Church House was heaving with hashers and there was no room to swing a cat even if we had one. Hash grub had been laid on - gratis for members otherwise two squid for the quiders.

In the absence of our RA sans pareil (reportedly Turkey exported?) Mouldy did the honours and the awards went thus:

Mon May 13th it was our AGPU Run, No1793, from The Church House Inn Torbryan with Hare Fukawe assisted by Prickly Bush and family. A great sunny evening and trail, which led us around the scenic countryside, woods lanes and fields, we had it all. Well done Fukawe.

The Offenders on this evening were:-

PILTDOWN MAN for finding a parking space almost in the next village!

PILTDOWN MAN again!well it was the last time and we will never have to rack our brains over one of his weekly questions ! ?

PAN FART this giant surprised Bluebird by leaving him in his wake! and is not going to waste his beer now either !

TWIN BUFFERS who at last after many years finally reached her 50Runs Badge but it may take that long to drink up!

PIDDLER always complaining so he had to drink water?

A late AGPU meeting was convened in a tiny room (but adequate for our needs) to the rear of the pub and the stop press headline was the investiture of the new Grand Master of the Teign Valley Hash. Congratulations my son, we now have a GM called Shitfaced! So let it be written, So let it be done.**

Business concluded, the hash dispersed, leaving the PU artists in situ but then at 10:25pm the Last Orders was called - YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS! but they were and though drink-up time was permitted, it was a bit of a damper on proceedings if I'm brutally honest with you Oh Dearly Not P***ed After All, Jolly enough and just about lubricated were the Penners who crammed into the last chariot in the car park and were ferried safely back home. Happy days lads.

Well, the answer to the question 'Would it work?' was a resounding YES Fukarwi mate. A savage, scenic, seven miler on an AGPU evening? All that hard work for us longs - we raise our glasses to you in honour! Pass on our thanks to Prickly Bush, Pole Dodger and your daughter please.

* Shirley you remember: Alcohol Sweetie Stop!

** If you recall this from The Ten Commandments (Yul Brynner   1956) award yourself a banana Betty.

ON ON to next week and the circle up at Manaton CHURCH CP (TQ13 9UJ) OD: The Kestor Inn Manaton (Poacher) and don't forget that

Bobbiball is having a 69 birthday party on Friday 17th May at 7pm at the Parkers Arms Collaton St Mary Paignton Buffet and disco provided.

ECHO BEACH, DOWN IN DEVIL GATE DIVE & FISHY DICK HASHES AGAIN

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

A TRAIL TO DIE (ON) FOR & A REAL CROWD-PLEASER AT THE CRIDFORD INN

Run #1792 on Mon 29th April from The Cridford Inn Trusham with hares Fallen Woman & Forrest

Come on, let's get this show on the road:

Well, the Cridford was really hashin'
Going round 'n' round
Yeah, boozin' and a-hashin'
What a crazy sound
Well, they never stopped hashin'
'Til the moon went down

Oh Shirley yes, Oh Dearly Overjoyed, this was the one hash you really could not miss - the BIG BROKEN MAN BIRTHDAY HASH and it Shirley succeeded beyond all expectations..

A magnificent marquee in Trucker's Field would host the spectacular beer stop, a roped river crossing, a ravine of death (which would nearly claim the life of The Bat), a trail to 'die for' (and on) by the hares, super sumptuous bargain price hash grub and an unbelievable pub atmosphere afterwards - Oh Dearly Overwhelmed, this will Shirley take the relating..

Believe there was the magic fifty at the circle and an extra three in the pub:

The Man of the Hour Broken Man, Fallen Woman, Teapot, Winfield, Piltdown & Georgie, BroadS, Beefy, Manopause, Erection, Poacher, Warm Front, returnee Prickly Bush, Deep Semen, Kermit, Flasher, Hugo, Forrest and Sarah, Shitfaced, 3sum, SatNav, Wigwam & Bobby, Coldtits, Hotlips & Zoot, Doris & Rambo, Paraprick, U Bend, Pisswell, Only Here, Cums Too Late, Manpig, Fukarwi (in immaculate hash gear), Able, Pan Fart (Big Raf!), Anita, Abcess, Gosia and two visitors, BB, virgin Chris (more on him later), Soapy & Melon Picker (back from extended hols), Screwed, Squashed Balls (fresh from marathon on Thursday) and Twin Buffers, Klingon (at last given a lift), Archangel & a most special guest appearance by the revered Vice President Himself - KC who did a twirl at the circle to appreciative applause.

The hares imparted the trail info of 3 L/S splits, a 'compulsory' river crossing and a beer stop before loosing the FRBs of war onto the unsuspecting Trusham villagers...

Right from the start it quickly became apparent that this would be a Shirley Spectacular - a rugged trail with technical transitions to ensnare the unwary. Bursting onto a field, the FRBs startled a local walking his dog who had evidently not seen anything like it before Beefy!

The FRBs gradually sorted hemselves out and got organised but with two noted absentees: Beefy was on the long but was with Pisswell, Klingon and Pan Fart & co. and Fukarwi with the aftermath of a chest infection, erred on the side of caution and 'shorted'. Warm Front was giving the orienteers Flasher and Hugo a real run for their money and Poacher, with local knowledge, was to the fore. BroadS, BB, Manopause and virgin Chris augmented the advance guard.

Howls of rage from different sources accompanied the errant Bird* weaving across the field. The marks, though sometimes tricky to find, held true to test the chase and the good old boys and girl were working well together as the trail veered, not unexpectedly, towards Forrest's gaff down in Tinkley Bottom. The trail then seemed to go cold and a FRB enquired 'What does BS stand for?' AHA, good boy, now we're cooking! A cry of 'ON ON' was heard from Warm Front who had only spotted the roped river crossing and was halfway across as the pack veered sharply Shirley to intercept.

And there to the background accompaniment of the Hallelujah Chorus, loomed large the Beer stop of Beer stops in Trucker's field. Trucker had Shirley pushed the boat way out here Only Here. Many a short and walker were already in situ (most having cunningly avoiding the river crossing - Teapot springing to mind) and had glass in hand. Now as a rule, the FRBs are quite sniffy about dilly dallying at beer stops but an exception was willingly made on this hallowed occasion - Shirley it would have been rude not to raise an early glass to the Birthday Boy. Virtually the whole hash assembled for the 'I wuz there' photo taken by ace photographer Beefy before the game recommenced.

Not so easy running after a beer or two but on we careered onto terra tarmac before it kicked up nastily as we started the ascent of Farley Hill. A check near the bottom halted the beer-soaked battalion and we really should have listened to Bobby ski poles Crawl who knew the way Winfield. Three quarters of a mile up into the cloud layers turned the chase into a rout and Warm Front, Flasher and Hugo were away - but not quite gone as the orienteers got slightly disorientated [sic]. Hugo reported that he had ended up in a farmyard after missing the faint arrow diverting the trail sharp left into Whiteborough Lane. Unlucky lads, but I only knew because I had missed the same turning on a previous hash Hattie, but never mind, worse things happen at sea Shirley.

The shorts remained safe above ground at the last L/S split (you did well to avoid this split Winfield) while the longs were directed into the rock strewn gully and stream and for one hasher, impending doom...

If I hadn't known better, I'd have been sure that the hares had deliberately designed the fiendish spectacle that met mine eyes at the bottom of the gully. There appeared a yawning chasm with a terrifying drop below (anything over three feet is terrifying at my age mush). I weighed up the risk of leaping the gap - Shirley I could make it? GE-RON-N-N-IMO.... a foot gained a slight purchase but then I teetered on the edge of the yawning abyss. NO-O-O-O I hadn't made it and this was how it was to end - I could hear Manpig now as my life flashed before me: 'It is with great regret that I have to report to the hash that Bluebird fell into a ditch and is now brown bread - a minute's silence please...' BUT NO, a hand reached out and grasped the unfortunate Bird, I was sav-ed Inspector Dreyfus. Didulikethat? No? Well please yourselves then.

The trail was about four miles for the longs and we were out there for around seventy minutes - beer stop included. Ace trail, big thumbs up from the longs.

The Cridford was packed out and our thanks to Paul, Ness and staff for their efforts. The Otter Amber 4.0 abv was the driver option and Dartmoor Legend 4.4 if you were not.

THE DOWNDOWNS
Run No.1792 BROKEN MAN'S 80th Birthday run from The Cridford Inn Trusham, with Hares Forrest Stump and Fallen Woman, who had laid a great Scenic trail up and down the hills. Plus a Birthday song at the Beer stop in Trucker's field.
Down-Downs this week were awarded to:-
Hare's FORREST STUMP and FALLEN WOMAN for a great evening.
KLINGON for a nice slide? down a muddy hill!
ERECTION for a "SPOILER" at the cinema for Shitfaced and family
CHRIS with strong hand saved Bluebirds life by pulling him back from the precipice...oh dear!
HUGO now forever to be known as PLONKER!
BROKEN MAN his 500Runs Badge plus a Birthday Down Down!

Hugo was a little perplexed at the reasoning of his naming and I can grant illumination. Hugo Twigger sounds like Trigger - Only Fools connection so mischievously, Plonker bestowed.

There was pandemonium when that hero Chris stepped forward for his DD and the Hashit shirt. On removing his tee shirt, Able collapsed and had to be revived with smelling salts, SatNav jumped up from her seat to get a better look and Twin Buffers was shell-shocked. Even the RA was taken aback and came out with what was Shirley** the quote of the evening: 'I think I'm drowning in a sea of oestrogen here!' The instant attempt at naming had to be postponed for another time as the hash just couldn't recover their composure. That really was a crowd-pleaser.

I've seen a few hashes in my time but the atmosphere in the Cridford Inn was something else, what a fabulous evening - well done Fallen Woman, Forrest and Trucker. That'll Shirley be a leading contender for Hash of the Year.

* They'll never give me a break.
** Ten Shirleys but what the heck, it was a BIG BIRTHDAY after all.

ON ON to next week and another (double) Birthday Hash with no less than four hares: Bird, Poacher, Wiggster and Bobby Woll Crawl Kirk from the Crown & Sceptre, St Marychurch TQ1 4QA but be afraid - it may be the Guns of Navarone cliff ascent revisited...

The Eggstravaganza

AS RARE AS HEN'S TEETH OD & AN EGGSACTING TRAIL

Run #1791 Monday 22nd April from Newtons Free House, Newton Abbot. Hares Wigwam & Bobby Kirk

The Promised Land of a virgin OD and partial virgin trail plus a gold plated goody bag of trail treats on Easter Monday brought the curious and committed out in some numbers, Oh Dearly Dubious..

Thirty six made it to the circle CP above the pub: Broken Man & Fallen Woman, Winfield, Twin Buffers, Piltdown & Georgie P, Teapot, SatNav, Threesum, Rambo & Doris, U Bend, Piddler, BroadS, SM Ellie, Beefy, Polyfella, Wigwam & Bobby Kirk, 69, Shitfaced, Just Cummin' and virgin Jazzmn, Flasher & Will, Able, Slip on Me, Fishbait & Finlay, Manpig, Forrest & Sarah, Hotlips & Zoot, Aber. Joe and BB.

Conspicuous by their absence were the Penners and the Polish - we missed you - well I did anyway, Oh Dearly Departed.

A mega ambitious effort saw the fruition of Wigwam's (and forcibly enlisted Bobby Kirk) trail with many attractions including that rare as hen's teeth hash presentation - a spanking new OD pub: Newtons Free House - formely the Heavitree Arms - tucked away in a not so sleepy cul-de-sac below the main Ashburton highway.

After Piltdown's guess how hot it was question - won by Beefy, Wigwam launched into a lengthy and technical explanation of the intracacies of the trail while the hash listened, mostly blank-faced and glassy-eyed. Never mind, it was RocknRolla time and the shorts were safely shepherded down the lane with the hares for protection, whilst the lean, ravening longs were released from the traps onto the main Ashburton Road, Whistling Dixie...

For the record (and in case of legal objections later) the video revealed the longs as: Flasher & Will, BroadS, Beefy, Aber. Joe, Polyfella, U Bend (good lad, welcome back to the longs) and Piddler (taking a gamble that he could survive without the ski poles) Forrest, Manpig and a souped up Bird. Eleven warriors true and, as always, in search of everlasting glory or at least a mention in dispatches..

The glory part had to be put on hold, however, as scouts searched in vain for the trail at the first check which was the de rigueur 'Give the shorts a fair shout' loop. Several minutes later, and about to run up the white flag already Eddy, U Bend and Piddler (I knew the boys would come good) spotted the arrow pointing to the suburbs above the highway.

Legging it back towards the greenery, Broken Man was on station to direct the snorting longs up to the Easter egg expanse. Thereupon, gentle grazing creatures were espied at various unlikely positions in the undergrowth searching for what ultimately would prove to be highly elusive polystyrene eggs.

There were those that coveted the Easter treats and there were those that Shirley did not, Oh Dearly Eggsasperated* and a vociferous FRB passes on his apologies to the shorts who were clogging up the paths so carefree. I am fairly sure that he didn't mean the nasty 'I hate all shorts - and that includes you Grand Master!' the kind rejoinder being 'Thank you.'

The heat of battle can induce a red mist before some jaundiced eyes....sigh

Just beyond the gaily searching shorts, the next carnival attraction was to be found bench sited Yea, oh verily yea: The Cadbury's cream egg brownie stop with Broadlands Ice Tea - Oh merriment unbounded.. 'We'll catch you later - much later....' drifted the faint cry on the wind from the fleeing FRBs..

A tantalizing and teasing loop of the field below the munchers saw The Great Escape of the longs who elatedly surged on to the inevitable destination..

A bootiful climb was enjoyed (BroadS muttering that he was operating at 164 bpm) up through the lush Allium ursinum before we ducked under the wire to access the large meadow north of Bradley woods. A herd of frisky heifers appeared and wary indeed we had to be of the galloping girls. Fishbait and young Finlay joined our trailblazing team for a while before we plunged into Bradley woods proper and could stretch our legs at last.

Doing sterling scouting service were Flasher and Will and their shouts at each of the checks were never far away. It wasn't advisable to stop and take photos (Beefy) at the river crossing as ground was hard to make up now the longs were really

1, 2, 3, 4, let's hear it now:

Big wheel, keep on turning

Proud Mary, keep on burning

Rolling, rolling, rolling on a river...**

It's a different world out there on the long and the shorts and walkers would Shirley Shudder if they could observe the battle joined each and every week with no quarter asked or given.

Flasher's strava evaluation summed it up succinctly: '50% making our own tracks, crossing barbed wire fences, crawling through bushes and a bonus river crossing' HA! Will: 'A bit of nasty off-road.'

There was a hasher who did manage to cover himself in glory out there - young Polyfella, sporting yet another Honiton Hippo tee shirt, finally outstayed many of the FRBs and joined the by now jogging super scouts as they neared the OH marker.

A downhill dash ensued back to the CP with about fifty odd minutes and fourish miles recorded. A beaming Slip on Me was most enthusiastic about the trail and all the longs readily agreed! A triumph indeedy by the Master Hare Wiggers!

Most of the shorts and walkers were already inside the pub and being looked after by Jim (great name that) the barman. No, there was no ale*** on tap but the bottled Black Sheep was just the ticket at £3.70 plus money in the pot for sarnies and chips. No complaints.

Teapot was seen searching for RA Manpig who was MIA along with Forrest & Muttley. Finally, they turned up to relate the usual forlorn tale of woe but safe and gathered in we all were for the DDs upcoming.

The good news was that there were a few lucky finders of the poly eggs - the not so good news was that Wiggy had left the actual choc eggs at home and would bring them next week - never mind, Oh Dearly Eggscluded. ****

The usual waiting period of about six hash appearances before a naming was waived in young Finlay's case. The little lad had only hashed once before tonight but Fishbait explained that Finlay was too excited to wait so Small Fry it was - Beefy saving the day and averting a snide 'Master Bates' suggestion from the motley crowd.

For the second successive week, no less than two namings and Flasher's fellow orienteer and TBGS pupil, Will, was relieved to get away with Runner Bean. Best of luck with the exams lads and see you back soon.

THE DOWNDOWNS

As our 1800th Trail draws closer, Run No.1791 was from a new venue Newtons Free House Newton Abbot with Hare Wigwam, who laid a great cunning trail, with hidden Easter Eggs, around and through Bradley Woods.

Offenders on this night were ;-

BLUEBIRD who was spotted Short Cutting or not checking?

PILTDOWN MAN who appeared to be more on a local history trail.

SHITFACED who said he would catch up the FRB's later !!!

FINLAY son of FISH BAIT was named SMALL FRY! and...

6ft + WILL (taller than SMALL FRY even kneeing down!) was duly named RUNNER BEAN !

Really enjoyed the evening Wiggy and Bobs - cheers for your fine efforts.

* It had to be done.

** I may finally be descending into delirium, Oh Dearly Deranged.

*** They tried it for a few months but the local 'clientele' just didn't want to know.

**** I've already told you - it had to be done.

ON ON to next week's BIG BIRTHDAY HASH from the Cridford Inn at Trusham TQ13 0NR. 80th Birthday Broken Man (Fallen Woman & Forrest)