On-Down at The Ferry Boat Inn, Shaldon
Run No. 1961
FIRE HARES: Bluebird & Man-Pig
kindly assisted by Shitfaced & Beefy
Who
wuz there: Bluebird, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Soapy, Beeflicker, Slip-on-Me,
Ablesemen, Beefy, Pisswell, AA, a very fast young man (didn't see him
in the pub afterwards - who was he?), Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy,
Smellie, Coldtits, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Polyfella, Broadshit,
U-Bend, Wet-Johnny, Manopause, Erection, Piddler, Warmfront, Psycho,
two virgins brought by Pisswell & AA plus our very special guest of
honour - Doris!
FIRE TRAIL by Man-Pig
You
were promised a baptism of fire. Would it turn out to be a damp squib?
Despite an unscheduled downpour just before the trail, initial plans
sounded plausible. Traditional marks would be scarce as the essence of
the trail was to follow the flames. Now that it had stopped raining,
might it just work?
GM
Shitfaced would light the first flare beside the third green. Beefy
would follow the trail and collect the bamboo staves whilst the mini
menagerie hares ran ahead setting the trail in fire.
Initially,
all went according to plan. From our hilltop vantage point we could
clearly see the first flare.This was followed by a snake of torchlight
moving slowly towards us way down below or - not so slowly as it turned
out. Time to light the second flare. This went well until a gust of
wind blew it over. Four lost minutes trying to re-erect it for our now
blind pack. Re-erected, hotfoot it to the next flare. Oh no! The Bird
had lost his phone.
Another
two minutes lost retracing our steps only to find that it was in the
Bird's pocket all the time. The delay meant that the FRB's comprising
Beeflicker, Warmfront, Psycho, Wet-Johnny and Broadshit were upon us
before we'd even got it lit.
A
Long/Short split had the Longs going downhill whilst a handful of
shorts ending up chasing the Hares towards Labrador Bay car park.
The
Pig proceeded just past the car park and managed to get his flare lit
just before the arrival of the FRB's. FRB's? They had planned to follow
a long loop on the lower coastal footpath. A schoolboy error by the
Hares meant that we had forgotten to mark a Long/Short split for the
Longs' to do the lower loop. This was compounded by the Bird who chose
to light his flare below a convex escarpment. The net result was that
the Longs' didn't see it and missed out on the loop.
However,
by the time the Shorts' had arrived, the Bird's flare was well away
and a just discernible glow had the Shorts' on the Longs' trail and
vice versa. You could not have made this up.
The
balance of the trail was designed to be flameless and normal marks
were resumed. Bluebird had set a loop down Deane Lane towards
Stokeinteignhead and then back up Millen Lane. This had been laid in cat
litter. The balance of the trail was simple but had yet to be laid.
That is why a perplexed pack saw the Pig running towards them with a bag
of flour shouting "Keep going!"
The
final part of the return trail was a live lay as the Pig laid the
trail from the junction of Millen lane with Butterfly Lane and back to
the Ness car park. With the speed of Beeflicker, Warmfront, Psycho and
the anonymous young man, it was a job to stay in front and out of
sight....only just made it back into the Ness car park about three
minutes ahead of them.
You could have done no more, MP. And now, the author of the doomed undertaking presents his testimony to the jury.
GOODNESS GRACIOUS GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!
by BB
The
Fire Hares were in position and all fired-up as they scanned the vista
of shimmering lights from high above Shaldon and Teignmouth.
It
had been planned meticulously, on the scale of a vital military
operation. Fire chain points had been identified; timing logistics had
been memorized; flares had been tested; equipment checked and rechecked
- nothing, seemingly, had been left to chance.
Operation Great Balls of Fire Shirley could not go Pete Tong...
A
tiny trail of head torches were spotted wending their way along the
path through the golf course. Abruptly, and under instruction from the
Grand Master, the lights were extinguished as the massed ranks of the
entire hash, in total darkness, made their way to a spot beside the
third green.
The flare was soaked in white spirit and ready to be inserted into the bamboo shaft.
A
spot of orange flickered into life and became larger as the primary
flare was ignited. 'We're on!' shouted Man-Pig and the answering flare
was ignited. A succession of headtorches illuminated as the hash got
underway.
The
flare had ignited immediately and rapidly become a billowing rage of
flame but, and it was an almighty but, on the exposed headland, a
fierce gust lifted the flare from the shaft and blew it onto the
ground! No-o-o-o!
A
game of chopstick phooey ensued as the Bird tried to lift the blazing
rag back into place between two bamboo sticks. It worked and the
shell-shocked duo fled to the kissing gate on the main road en route
for Labrador bends.
It
got worse. The befuddled and badly-shaken Bird shouted 'I've dropped
my phone!' and ran back to the flare. Man-Pig, sans white spirit
propellant, had to pause. A full minute later, the witless twit
discovered the phone in his back pocket and back he went to rejoin MP.
Precious time had been lost and the domino-effect was underway.
It
was now Shirley a case of out of the frying pan into the fire as the
longs had made relentless progress up the slopes of Mt Doom and were
closing fast with the hapless fire hares.
Barely
had the third flare point been reached when headtorches appeared at
the top of the path. It was Beeflicker who proclaimed he had brought
some buddies along as a clearly agitated Bird struggled to ignite the
third flare.
With
the longs despatched down the lower cliff path, the fire hares made
their way up the inland cutaway path to head them off at the summit.
It
was no good, the game was Shirley up and the aged and unfit (for
purpose) Bird collapsed in a near lifeless heap to the sodden turf.
'Wait MP, come back!' gasped the expiring leader of the ill-fated
expedition. 'I'll prime the flare and you go on.'
Undismayed at the catastrophic turn of events, Man-Pig valiantly set off to salvage the evening.
Lurching
around the bend, an awful sight unfolded. The rampant longs, including
Warmfront, Wet Johnny, Psycho, Beeflicker, BroadS and other assorted
rapidoes were gathered, vulture-like around Man-Pig as he prepared to
ignite number four flare.
Mindful
of the strongly gusting wind, the flare was positioned by the hedge
but, unfortunately not in the proposed line of sight point for number
five flare immediately beside Labrador Bay car park.
Plans
A, B and C had long since been scrapped, and the Bird, without
pausing, plunged down the valley below the car park to get in position
for number six flare.
A
few minutes elapsed before the awful realization dawned. There was no
direct line of sight from the bottom of the valley to see number five
flare from the summit. Whatamistakatomaka!
Another
trail of lights appeared on the skyline - the shorts! The by now
delirious Bird, losing all semblance of reason, lit number six flare!
'To
me! To me! On down!' screeched the demented One. The trail of lights
halted, and then slowly descended towards the wildly waving, blazing
apparition.
And
so it came to pass that the shorts were sent onto the long trail and
the longs, who had long departed [Shirley sic] proceeded gaily along
the short trail.
As Man-Pig stated, 'You couldn't make it up.'
The
Bird had now burned himself out. Staggering with bursting lungs up the
steep valley and the haven of his tethered chariot, he slowly turned
to watch the snail-like progress of the unfortunate shorts as they
ascended the alpine turns of the lower path.
Fearing
retribution, the Bird drove down to the Deane Road T- junction to find
out whether any shorts required a lift up to Commons lane. Beefy
advised that Coldtits was approaching and that all others seemed to
have continued on the long trail down Deane Road.
Driving
up Commons, the chariot faltered and stalled. Try as he might, first
gear could not be engaged by an exasperated Bird and the occupants were
on the point of getting out and giving it a push when first was
finally crashed into place. The domino effect was still ongoing.
I
don't know how he managed it, but Man-Pig, still obeying instructions -
flawed or otherwise - to the letter, had managed to stay ahead of the
longs and put the final arrows down Commons in place. Give that man a
cheer and a beer!
Manopause
and Erection emerged from Better Flee lane (true name) and seemed
oblivious to the calamity that had unfolded. It was with great relief
that the Bird turned for home. I need a beer as well.
DOWN-DOWNS
Despite
the hiccups, post run banter and chat in the pub seemed to confirm
that Hashers had enjoyed the trail - even if the Longs and the Shorts
had been inadvertently transposed.
Polyfella gave the Jester's hat
to Bluebird for dropping his container of cheese sandwiches on the
floor, retrieving same but only after Ned had been salivating over
them....although Piltdown man said that he quite liked them (pre
saliva!). A note for "Pavlov's Dog".
Bluebird had the Hashshit shirt.
This he gave to Man-Pig. I think for being foolish enough to follow
his instructions to the letter. "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy".
A new award, The Barcardi Hat.
The origins of this hat was that it was won in a pub quiz for winning
the special interest round. The nature of this special interest round?
Postage stamps. The Hat and down-down went to Smellie even though she
was totally innocent of encyclopedic knowledge of British regional
postage stamps. A note for "the philatelist".
And finally, a down-down for our very special guest of honour, Doris.
Thanks
to Piltdown Man and Georgie Porgy for bringing her out and,
additionally, thanks to Max & owner Matt for providing the
Down-Downs.
POSTSCRIPT
Almost
everything that could go wrong did go wrong and it was only down to
Man-Pig that the trail was salvaged. Valuable lessons have been learnt
and next year, God willing, Man-Pig and I will show you how a Fire hash
should be conducted. Thank you, one and all, for turning up and having a
go. The virgins and the rest of the shorts must be congratulated at
completing the long trail. On on to Fire Hash #10!
NEXT WEEK
Next week's Hash is at The Star, Liverton with Beeflicker Haring.
On-On to next week!
