TVH3 The Words for 1st January 2024

The Park Inn, Kingskerswell

Run No. 2001 A Space Odyssey?

 

HARES: Shitfaced and 'now they tell me' Man-Pig

 

Who wuz there: Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Only Here for the Beer, Slip-on-Me, Tamsin, Smellie, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Beefy, Well Hopped and South Hams visitors Squashed Balls and Twin Buffers.

 

Pre(sh)amble to disaster

On the 22nd of December, after posting the festive greetings header with the tantalizing: 'On on to next year for #2001 A Hash Odyssey', the GM messaged, asking if I would like to lay the trail.

 

That set in train a series of well-meaning exchanges, unfortunately culminatng in the greatest misunderstanding since the Charge of the Light Brigade. Sigh.

 

The valiant Man-Pig (stood for it once more) bore the brunt of expectations and would Shirley cover himself in glory (and water) out there on that sodden and windswept plain.

 

The Grand Master, tapping the bar in irritation, has summoned me to the Park Inn for an explanation of the outrage.

 

The only tiny crumb of comfort is that there may be precious Pillock Points in the offing...Shirley?

On then, with gritted teeth to Man-Pig's terrible tale of woe, and kindly note, the Idiot's name is never mentioned in plea of mitigation..

 

Circle

"Happy New Year everybody", yes, that's all twelve of you, was Shitfaced's welcome into the Circle for the first run of 2024.

 

The previous day's weather forecast had been quite promising, wet and windy conditions subsiding by 6pm.

 

Well, this statement contained more inaccuracies than a Hare's description of a trail.

 

On the day, the forecast had changed. It had morphed into a yellow weather warning. A 99% chance of rain and strong winds at 7pm increasing to a mere 100% probability of rain and strong winds between 8 and 9pm. Ideal! Perhaps this had contributed to the low numbers?

 

However, I am aware that quite a few have been struck down by the lurgy and, looking around the circle, it looked like there were still a few sore heads remaining from the New Year's Eve celebrations.

Shitfaced asked Piltdown to compile a run list for 2023 as it would soon be voting time for the annual Awards.

 

Man-Pig gave a brief update on Teapot. He had heard from Desperate Housewife and relayed the following message:

"Desperate Housewife has dropped me an e-mail. She says that Teapot and the family are bowled over by the Christmas cards, well wishes and chocolates. Dad has received a diagnosis and hopefully is now on the road to recovery". We all hope so. I also understand that a couple of Hashers have managed to visit Teapot over Christmas including Wetfart. Well done.

 

Shitfaced described the Walkers' trail. Unsurprisingly, it would be a walk up to the Nellie for a drink and then return to the Park Inn for scoff and Down-Downs.

 

Then over to the Hare for details of the Longs and the Shorts. Shitfaced was looking at me....so were Tamsin, Beefy and Well Hopped. Everyone else was wondering how wet they would get on the way to and from the Nellie.

 

Man-Pig is bereft of flour or any idea that he was tonight's de facto Hare. It is the very first day of the year and TVH mismanagement has risen/sunk (delete as appropriate) to its usual standard.

 

A combination of communication breakdown, presumption and misleading promotions had eight Hashers making a bee-line for the Nellie and three suspicious Hashers looking at me in expectation.

 

"It will be a live trail", I croaked (MP is still recovering from a chest infection). "We will have to run at the pace of the slowest runner. Do you want 3 or 4 miles?"

 

Three was the consensus.

 

Trail

It was bang on 7.30. Cognisant of the fact that it would be nice to pop into the Nellie for a swift half before the Walkers had left, the de facto Hare would have to plan a 40 minute run....on the hoof.

Beefy obviously hadn't read the weather forecast and was running in a singlet. although Tamsin, Well Hopped and the Pig looked like they were part of a Chris Bonnington expedition.

 

And so off they went, disappearing into the wind and the rain.

 

The Pig led the mini-pack of four right out of the pub car park along Coles Lane and School Lane before turning right opposite the Health Centre. Down Pound Lane, past Cheerio Beerio's, and right onto Rose Hill. Left at Man-Pig Mansions and up Yon Street, Huxnor Road and Moles Lane. 

 

The pack kept tight as we turned off-road at North Whilborough and took a rather damp footpath up and then down to connect with the western end of Saturdays Lane. Saturdays Lane was even more damp than the flooded footpath. Beefy was heard to say, in between the gusts of rain, "Space Odyssey? Water Odyssey would have been a more accurate description!".

 

On we ploughed/paddled to the junction with Edginwell Lane. A right turn, under Hamelin Way and then left and down a footpath running along the western edge of a new industrial estate. A canter over the footbridge above the railway line and then left up towards the Hare and Hounds. We crossed the Torquay Road at the Esso station and tootled up Southey Lane passing Threesum's new car....it looks exactly the same as the old one except for the colour.

 

We arrived at the Nellie, almost bang on time, at 8.07. Beefy had recorded 3.4 miles and all of the Shorts were still in the pub. Tamsin is not much of a drinker and elected to run onto the Park inn, as did Well Hopped - apparently Big End is a tad under the weather. Beefy and the Pig popped into the Nellie for a swifter before completing the trail. Amazingly, we were the first ones back.

 

Down-Downs

Park 'n' Ride had laid on scoff for our 5 eaters. There were no awards present from previous weeks so it was straight onto the Down-Downs. Park 'n' Ride was clearing up the plates so we all thanked him for the Down-Downs, scoff and the weather!

 

Given the weather, the RA elected to do the four DD's in one go. But who were the (un)deserving souls? There were no stories so the RA had to make things up - no change there then for 2024.

The first Down-Down went to the Hare for a multitude of issues - mainly poor comms with the de facto Hares. At least we hadn't wasted any flour this evening!

 

The second DD presented to Beefy for thinking the weather was fine and dressing accordingly.

A third half of ale to Man-Pig for interpreting a Space Odyssey as being synonymous with a Water Odyssey.

 

The final half was awarded to our SH4 visitor, Squashed Balls. This was for an appalling joke about an amorous clam with visual effects!

 

A special mention must go to Smellie who was an odds on favourite to receive a Down-Down. On this occasion, Smellie narrowly avoided starting the year with yet another Down-Down. Her offence, shopping on trail....and a repeat offender too!

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Two Mile Oak, near Dainton Golf Club. Our Hare for the night is Only Here for the Beer. If the weather's anything like the last time that we ran from here, bring your Speedos!

 

On-On to next week and let's hope that this year is a jolly sight more peaceful, globally, than 2023. MP

RUN #2000 Monday 18th December:

TVH Special Christmas Draw, circle up at 7:15 pm from

Kings Arms, 6 Oakford, Kingsteignton, Newton Abbot TQ12 3EG. 

 

Replacement hare(s) will hopefully be deployed as Hotlips has reported that he has tested positive for covid - we all send him and Zoot our very best wishes for a speedy recovery. 

 

The ever hash-friendly pub will be providing sandwiches - show of hands for numbers at the circle please.

TVH3 The Words for 11th December 2023

Court Farm, Abbotskerswell

Run No. 1999

 

A white-out of marks - and still the Walkers didn't make it to the sweetie stop!

 

HARES: Ernie, Strap-On & Strap Dancer

 

Who wuz there: Ernie, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Hotlips, Zoot, Arkangel, Forrest Stump, Perry, Smellie, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Beefy, Pisswell, Soapy, Melonpicker Palmolive, Piddler, U-Bend, Fukarewe, Cheerio Beerio, Threesum, Wet Johnny, Manopause, Beeflicker, Tamsin, Ablesemen, Slip-on-Me, Coldtits, Big End, Ned, Well Hopped and returnee Bluebird.

 

Crash

Well, we had some pre-circle entertainment. A runaway car traversed the Court Farm car park and crashed into Cheerio Beerio's van. The runaway, unmanned Audi's rear offside bumper impacted on Cheerio's driver's side door. 

 

It was so surreal. It all seemed to happen in slow motion. It could have been a lot worse as Cheerio was just about to get out of the van. The car belonged to a non-hasher and details have been exchanged. This must be particularly upsetting for Cheerio as she'd only just had the other side of her van repaired earlier in the year.

 

Circle

The Circle was disrupted by more car choreography as three cars decided to leave the pub just as we commenced the Circle. All three were simultaneously reversing into the centre of the car park. Remarkably , no collisions, and a lady driver wound down her window to thank the Hash for dispersing for her. How kind.

 

Shitfaced reminded everyone that the Big One, Run 2000, was next week at The Kings Arms, Kingsteignton. Additionally, there would be no run on Christmas Day but there would be a run from the Park Inn on New Year's Day.

 

Threesum reminded us that next week was going to be the annual raffle draw and that this evening would be the last chance to get raffle tickets. See her in the pub afterwards.

 

Pisswell said that she'd seen Teapot and that he sends his Christmas wishes to the Hash...I think it should be us sending Teapot our Christmas wishes.

 

Zoot announced that she'd got the 2000th run shirts in the pub for distribution to those who had ordered them.

 

The final announcement was that Smellie needs Hares for 8th and 15th January.

 

Over to the Hare....errrr, no Ernie. Instead Strap-On stepped into the Circle with a milk bottle half full of flour.

 

"Ernie's abandoned me. His wife is ill". Nevertheless, there was a trail. A Walkers' of about two-and-a-half miles that would be led by Strap-On. This would be an out and back trail. There were also Long and Short trails but there was a fly in the ointment. Haldon Hash were running from the Keyberry Inn this evening.

 

To distinguish between the two trails, Strap-On had laid the TVH trail with a lot of arrows, L's, S's and W's. Additionally, the TVH3 checks would have a dot in the middle. Basically, if you followed the arrows you can't/shouldn't go wrong.

 

Inevitably, Piddler had a question. The answer was:

"If you find yourself at the Keyberry you're on the wrong trail" - fair enough.

 

Trail

If the trails over the previous 4 weeks have been a tad short of flour, not so this week. It was a near perfect blizzard of flour wherever one looked. The initial spacing between the marks was circa 10m. Shirley, no-one could get lost on this trail and find themselves pitching up at the Keyberry.....or even Haldon Hash arriving at Court Farm.

 

As it turned out, no Hashers arrived back at the wrong pub.

 

Amazingly, however, quite a lot of the Walkers failed to find the quite excellent "sweetie stop". Well, I say sweetie stop but it was more like a winter market.

 

Outside the lynch gate at Wolborough Church, Ernie and Strap-Dancer had set up shop big time. Laid out before us on two trestle tables was an array of goodies, mince pies and cream, chocolates, cake, fudge etc. Ernie was manning a gas stove and was handing out glasses of piping hot mulled wine. Absolutely brilliant.

 

Not quite so brilliant were some of the Walkers. These poor souls had religiously followed returnee Bluebird amd Melon Picker. Sure, they had been on trail most of the time but, rather like last week, they'd found the return trail somewhat prematurely. thereby missing the superb sweetie and drink stop.

Back to the trail. Having only run from Court Farm three weeks ago, we did wonder if we might be running over old ground. Not so. I was completely taken aback by the fact that the Hares had found virgin territory - and in my own patch. Well done.

 

The trail exited the car park via the pathway that leads to the churchyard but we were headed the other way and into the village. Left along Slade Lane and our first check. The trail took us up Priory Road and another check. This now took us west along Manor Road. At the junction with Firestone Lane, the Walkers were guided right on their "out and back trail".

 

For the Longs, it was dead ahead and up to the Totnes Road. As for the Shorts, I have no idea. I was just following the FRB's, Beeflicker, Beefy and a recovered Wet-Johnny. Just behind me were Fukarewe, Big End and Well Hopped. we crossed Totnes Road at a junction called Old barn Cross. I have never even noticed this junction before.

 

On the other side of the main road, a broad uphill track took us up to Rydonball Cross near Prickly Ball Farm. I have never been up this track in my life.

 

At the end of the track, an arrow had us descend down Denbury Road to the roundabout near Wolborough cemetery. Dots and arrows had us heading towards Newton Abbot when an arrow suddenly had us cross the main road and the ascent up Bradley Lane to the sweetie stop at Wolborough Church.

 

What a welcome site....an untouched speed of goodies....just for the Longs it appeared as there was no sight of either the Shorts or the Walkers. It was so inviting that we were tempted to stay for a second mince pie but it would be unfair to deprive the Shorts and the Walkers of such a splendid feast.

 

The Hare pointed the Longs in the only direction that we didn't want to go; the boggy public right of way past Wolborough Farm and up to the junction of Firestone Lane and Stoneman's Hill.

 

Back on tarmac, we followed the Walkers' reverse route back to Abbotskerswell via Firestone Lane and Odle Hill. However, at Slade Lane Wet Johnny, Beefy and Beeflicker decided that they needed more exercise. They carried on up towards Denbury Diesels for an extra loop. Meanwhile, Fukarewe and Man-Pig were getting thirsty.

 

Down-Downs

Back in the pub it was particularly good to have Bluebird back, unless you were on the Walkers' trail. Bluebird has been quite poorly with a chest infection and he has also been run ragged looking after Mum. He was so pleased to be able to get out for the first time in about 6 weeks and he is particularly grateful for all those who have enquired after both his and his Mum's health.

 

It is one of my favourite aspects of the Hash. On the surface we may appear to be a lighthearted and carefree bunch of pissheads but, beneath the surface, there is a lot of kindness and we are all here for each other. It is the unsung backbone of the Hash and something that we should all be proud of.

 

Forrest-Stump was not on pantomime rehearsal duties again this evening and reassumed the role of RA. The Hares were aware that some of the Walkers never made it to the sweetie stop. Consequently, they decant mince pies and cream into the pub for those who missed out.

 

The first Down-Down was to the Hares. But which one? Ernie was nominated for a great trail and the extraordinarily good sweetie stop. A note for the Hare.

 

The second Down-Down was to accompany the award of a 200th run badge, but to whom? It was our GM, Shitfaced. There was some discussion as to exactly what constitutes a run. Nonetheless, the half pint of beer is dispatched PDQ.

 

Hotlips awarded the Jester's Hat to Threesum for organising another excellent TVH3 Christmas Party. I think that everyone enjoyed it.

 

On a double-header after attending another hash party on Friday, Piltdown was a little under the weather, and a touch of food-poisoning didn't help much. All of which explains the celebrated 'nap' moment caught on camera.

 

There were certainly some great fancy dresses; Palmolive as a Cobra (beer), a bevy [sic] of Jail Ales, a fantastic Bloody Mary, a Blue Nun (though some remarked that it could have been a Blue Bum!) and a perplexing Johnny Walker courtesy of Piddler to name but a few.

 

On the subject of Piddler, Piddler had a special Down-Down. This was to celebrate his forthcoming civil partnership with Going Down this coming Wednesday. The Hash had given him a small "partnership" present - a pair of cocktail glasses. Accordingly, his Down-Down is a cocktail. He also received a veil, a mock betrothal ceremony, the Hashshit shirt and his original half of beer. A note for "the soon to be unvirgined one".

 

THE HASH - TRULY A FAMILY AFFAIR

Two months have drifted by since I last hashed. Arriving as the circle was underway, I felt out of it, and might have turned back had it not been for the reassuring arm of Beefy and a welcome from Fukarwi.

An enjoyable stroll with Melon Picker ensued, and despite the rain - and a soaking from a car ploughing through a puddle as we entered the village, I felt I had done enough to earn a beer.

It was lovely to see you all again. Thank you.

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Kings Arms, Kingsteignton, for the Big One - Run 2000 and the Christmas Draw. Our Hares are Zoot and Hotlips - just reported that Hotlips has covid so replacement hare(s) will replace them.

 

On-On to next week.

 

Postscript: Lost Property - someone has left some important items in the pub; a purse, door keys and a tankard. Find out next week who has secured pole position for the Hashshit shirt

Space: 1999

 Run #1999 Monday 11th December circle up 7:15 pm from Court Farm Inn, Abbotskerswell, Newton Abbot TQ12 5NY with Ernie and Strap-On.

TVH3 The Words for 4th December 2023

The Devon Arms Hotel, Teignmouth

Run No. 1998

 

Snakes and Ladders

 

(the Longs do the Shorts and then do the trail properly)

 

HARES: Smellie, Piltdown Man & Georgie Porgy

 

Who wuz there: Smellie, Piltdown-Man, Georgy Porgy, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Beefy, Pisswell, Beeflicker, Polyfella, Big End, Well Hopped, Soapy, Melonpicker, Wet Johnny, Manopause, Ernie, Fukarewe, Threesum, Cheerio Beerio, Ablesemen, Slip-on-Me, Warmfront, Psycho, Coldtits, U-Bend, Tamsin, Piddler, Arkangel, Forrest-Stump, Wood-lend & Woodlend's virgin friend.

 

Circle

Returnee Shitfaced welcomed all to the Circle. We were reminded that the TVH3 Christmas party takes place this coming Saturday at the Constitutional Club, Newton Abbot. Tickets are still available via Threesum at £10 for members and £15 for non-members. Meet at the Union Inn from 6.30pm.

I suspect that there will be a mini pub crawl prior to arriving at the con club but no agenda on that score yet.

 

Smellie is OK for Hares till next year but wanted a show of hands for sandwiches/sausage and chips in the pub - 8 takers I think.

 

Beeflicker is desperate for help in his shop. Can anyone step in and play Santa between now and Christmas, especially this Sunday?

 

Shitfaced welcomed Woodlend's lady friend and dog into the Circle as she is a virgin (I have some serious reservations about that - Ed). My apologies as I'm afraid that I didn't catch her name.

 

Over to the Hares. This was supposed to be Smellie's trail, but the briefing was led by Piltdown Man. This may have been because Smellie had just arrived at the Circle having got lost on her own trail.

 

Piltdown advised that there was a Long and a Shorts of circa 5 and 4'ish miles respectively. Georgy stepped up and said that she would be guiding the Walkers on a shorter trail but BEWARE of a very slippery bridge. Piddler's request for "How many Long/Short splits went unanswered. Finally, Piltdown advised that, "There are no crosses. It is two and on".

 

Trail

Some adhere to the mantra that less is more i.e. the less flour there is the more fun you will have. Somehow, this has tended to work out over the past four weeks. Would this week be different? We would soon find out.

 

Piltdown's instructions were, "It's down there. Take the first right".

 

Three right turns later, we find our first mark and an arrow that takes us onto backbeach. Thereupon, we grind to a halt.

 

Usually, we turn left and head for the Green. Not today. A shout to the right and we were on trail running past the Quay car park, and then left through Morgan's boatyard, along the pebble beach, then right under the tunnel beneath the railway line before emerging at the northern end of Shaldon Bridge.

The trail now took us up onto the Teignmouth Road and left towards Newton Abbot then right up the track that runs to the east of Broadmeadow. A check had us running up steps past a children's play park and then......nothing.

 

The pack spread out. Eventually, a call from downhill and the trail took us down Lower Kingsdown Road. Another grind to a halt before Beeflicker found a mark towards the bottom of Mill Lane. Unbeknown to the FRB's (who are also usually those who do the Longs) we were on the Shorts' return trail.

 

It wasn't long before we had crossed a footbridge over the railway when we came to the OH sign and a perplexed Georgy Porgy. Twenty minutes had elapsed since we started the trail!

"You've gone wrong", stated Georgy.

 

Yes. I think we all had guessed that. The thought of the pub was so very tempting. It was only a stone's throw away. The wind and the cold made the thought of a sausage sandwich and a pint even more tantalising.

 

But we are Hashers through and through. So a U-turn it was.

 

We backtracked over the railway, along Bitton Close, across Bitton Park, over the main road and back up Mill Lane to Lower Kingsdown Road. On Lower Kingsdown Road, we had missed a change of direction up Kingsdown Close.

 

Back on trail, we panted up Mill Lane and zigzagged around Hutchings Way and Bishop Wilford Road until we arrived at the sweetie stop. This was at the crossroads between Fourth Avenue/Moorview Drive and Headway Cross Road. Amazingly, the Shorts were already at the sweetie stop. The sweetie stop was also the location of the trail's only Long/Short split. Piltdown advised us that the Longs was another 3 miles and pointed us up Moorview Drive.

 

Beeflicker led the Longs, followed by Warmfront, Psycho, Beefy, Ernie, Fukarewe and Man-Pig. But someone was missing. It was Pisswell who is usually on the Longs. We hadn't seen her in ages.

As it transpired, I think that she was the only Long who did not go off trail at Lower Kingsdown Road. Hence she was now FRB'ing by miles!

 

The Shorts descended down Fourth Avenue to return to the Devon Arms along the route that the Longs had already inadvertently covered.

 

Looking at the map, it is clear to see where the Longs had gone wrong. A cross at the junction of Lower Kingsdown Road and Mill Lane would have been just perfect. The fly in the ointment, of course, was that tonight's trail was cross free!

 

The Longs were now on what was, at least for me, virgin territory. More zigzagging on and off Moorview Lane reaped the benefit of passing some houses with absolutely fantastic arrays of Christmas illuminations. We were so captivated by the spectacle that we frequently lost the trail.

 

Nevertheless, it wasn't long before we were traipsing down Galloway Drive which abruptly gave way to a path in open, but boggy, pasture. This proved to be Britton Brook Park.

 

We were obviously in a valley. The FRB's had overshot a mark and were heading towards Howard Close when Pyscho and Warmfront called us back. We followed the Topiary Twins over a small earth dam and then followed a footpath up to what appeared to be the very edge of the Teignmouth urban area. All we could see in front of us was a very high ridgeline in the vicinity of Holcombe Down. It was inevitable that we were just about to embark on a very long urban climb.

 

Sure enough, we followed the trail along a footpath up and across Gilbert Avenue, Bligh Court, Admirals Walk, Armada Drive, Frobisher Close and Drake Avenue (there appears to be a theme here) before eventually emerging onto Higher Exeter Road.

 

At Drake Avenue, we came across the Hare who was now sweeping by car. We crossed Higher Exeter Road and then a footpath into Larch Close before a trot down Maudlin Drive. Man-Pig, Ernie and Fukarewe had lost contact with the fitter, faster FRB's. However, running up Maudlin Drive towards us were Beeflicker and Beefy. The Hare had just driven past to tell them they were off trail. Back up to the junction of Maudlin Drive and Saint Davids Road and we were, once more, on trail.

 

The trail now took us down Higher Woodway Road and New Road and thence onto the A379 where the Hare was waiting again. I guess that the benefit of an urban trail is that it does afford the opportunity to sweep by car. Piltdown gave us directions and also asked if we'd seen Psycho and Warmfront.

"Not for ages. They must be in front".

 

Ernie and I had fallen further behind; before us Fukarewe, Beefy and Beeflicker were disappearing into the distance. The trail now took us down Cliff Road and thence down Eastcliff Walk before we encountered the OH on the footbridge over the railway.

 

Back in town....no marks. Ernie and I knew where we were and moseyed past Dicey Rileys and back to the On-Down at 9.02. I'd forgotten to turn on my Garmin but I suspect that we had done more than the advertised 5 miles.

 

Nonetheless, a good trail and virgin territory for me - even if the Longs also did most of the Shorts as well!

 

Down-Downs

Forrest-Stump was not on pantomime rehearsal duties this evening and assumed the role of RA. Regrettably there was no songmeister. Nevertheless, the show had to roll on.

 

First down-down to the Hares; principally for getting the Longs back to the OH mark within 20 minutes. But which one of the Hares was going to be the recipient? Piltdown and Georgy conspired to nominate Smellie. Smellie took her time dispatching her half.

 

Ernie had the Baby Bat Hat (I believe that the Big Bat Hat (aka the Ceremonial Bat Hat) is Bluebird's pride and joy and now resides in the belfry at Maidencombe). This he awarded to Piltdown Man for an absence of marks on the Longs and sweeping by car. Another slow-mo Down Down.

 

Smellie stepped up to award the Hashshit shirt. I don't know where she has been hiding it ,but it smelt rank; so much so that even some of the locals in the bar were complaining. Smellie had three potential candidates as recipients including Piltdown Man. 

 

Eventually, it fell on Pisswell for FRB'ing. Sensibly, Pisswell nominated Beefy to strip off in order to adorn the shirt before taking the Down-Down.

 

The final half - but no accompanying award. Forrest awarded this to Man-Pig. Why? When Smellie asked if anyone would like sausage and chips in the Circle Man-Pig was heard to mutter. "Oh. That won't include Mrs Man-Pig. She doesn't like sausage". Much giggling from those within earshot. The Pig effected the quickest Down Down of the evening accompanied by, "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy".

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is at the Court Farm, Abbotskerswell, with Hare Ernie.

 

On-On to next week, MP

⭐️🚨🚨ATTENTION ALL XMAS PARTY GOERS FOR TONIGHT!!🚨🚨⭐️

After great discussion and disorganisation we have decided to meet at the Taphouse for 6:30pm. There’s more room there and the trail will go from there.

TIMINGS!!!

6:30pm The Taphouse

7:15pm Saracens

8:00pm Cider Bar

8:30pm Con Club with food.

Please could we let everyone know. If you know anyone who’s going that’s not on Facebook. Please message them.

Looking forward to seeing you all.

GM Shitfaced

 

Run #1998 Monday 4th December

 

7:15 pm from The Devon Arms, Northumberland Pl, Teignmouth TQ14 8DE with Piltdown, Georgy & Smellie.

Buffet sandwiches available £5. Show of hands at the circle.

Given the runaround - Take 3

TVH3 The Words for 27th November 2023

Manor Inn, Galmpton

 

Run No. 1997

HARE: U-Bend

 

Who wuz there: U-Bend, Man-Pig, Hotlips, Zoot, Beefy, Pisswell, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beeflicker, Big End, Well Hopped, Roger the Dodger, Soapy, Melonpicker, Wet Johnny, Manopause, Erection, Ernie, Psycho, Pork Torpedo, Coldtits, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Piddler, Broken Man, Fallen Woman, Threesum, Base Camp & John Lamson (final two pub only).

 

Circle

It was good to see Fallen Woman and Broken Man back at the Hash. Wetfart was absent so no updates on Teapot tonight. In fact, the only announcement at the Circle came from Smellie.

 

Smellie announced that next week's run would be at the Devon Arms Hotel, Teignmouth. There would be food, probably a sandwich buffet at £5 a head. However, she "would like a show of hands at tomorrow's Circle". Puzzlement all round. Erratum,. "....a show of hands at next week's circle". All clear now.

 

The Hare was less than forthcoming in his briefing.

 

"There's one Long/Short split. A kind of a Walkers' trail. The Longs is quite long - about 6 miles".

When asked about checks there was no direct answer. Instead, we got:

"You can't possibly go wrong". Where have we heard that before?

 

Trail

The trail took us to our first check pretty much outside the pub car park. Whilst Man-Pig went awol, everyone else ran past the pub and to another check. The trail now turned right and climbed up Slade Lane to Galmpton (Windmill) Green.

 

When we reached the Green, we became aware of just how bright the moon was. It was a full moon and a very clear, still cold night.

 

In fact, the moon was so bright, that we barely needed a torch until we were under cover of the woods.

There was a lot of wandering around on the Green which revealed arrows....but in the wrong direction. At least this allowed me to catch up a little.

 

Eventually, we found ourselves heading along Dartmouth Road towards Paignton. Some serious mischecking had Wet-Johnny and myself at the back of the pack before the Hare had us drop down onto Broadsands Avenue.

 

From there, it was downhill when an arrow that had us bear right and down a set of steps onto the lower end of Broadsands Park Road beneath the railway bridge.

 

Another abortive check up a huge flight of steps and we were, once more, tail end charlies.

We descended down to Broadsands Beach and a peculiar sight....a blob of flour! Not quite as peculiar as the illuminated balloons bobbing just offshore; nighttime swimmers apparently.

 

So there it was laid out in front of us. A group of people even more stupid than Hashers at this time of year. In fact more foolish. This is because, tonight, we were to stay dry all evening.

 

In the distance, I could see Wet-Johnny, and in front of him a group of torches.

 

Before long, we were in Broadsands car park and found an arrow with a "W"....the Walkers' return trail.

Soon we found an arrow without a "W" and we were back on trail trotting up Elberry Lane. The trail took us into woodland following the South West Coast Path east towards Churston Ferrers.

 

Not far into the woods, we came to the one and only Long/Short split. The Shorts carried on uphill towards Churston golf course whilst the Longs turned due east.

 

The Longs' trail followed the SWCP towards Fishcombe Point. I was on my own as Wet-Johnny, now recovered, was obviously fully fit as he had disappeared without trace....not to be seen again till the pub car park.

 

This part of the SWCP runs through woodland, and the mat of tree roots crossing the path are a major trip hazard.

 

Fortunately, tonight the trail was almost bone dry but the roots were still slippery in places. Then, in front of me, torchlight. A very powerful torch too. It turned out to be Pisswell and Ernie. Ahead of them I could hear calling which, I am sure was Beefy.

 

Marks were few and far between. At the only junction Man-Pig, Pisswell, Big end and Well Hopped followed Ernie down the wrong path.

 

A U-turn soon had us back on trail but now we had left the SWCP and had joined the John Musgrove Heritage Trail. We left the cover of woodland and crawled up a steepish but broad track until we came to a gap in a stone wall.

 

Immediately the other side of the wall an arrow had us take a right. After 500m of broad track we came to a 5 bar gate and a lane. The trail now took us right and past Churston Ferrers church.

 

Just before we reached Churston Court, the marks had us running along Green Lane and then left across the Golf Course.

 

For those of us used to public footpaths through golf courses, they are usually very well marked. This is because the golf course owners do not want the general public straying all over the golf course - fair enough.

 

Churston Golf course is no different and pairs of white posts mark the route of the public footpath. Unfortunately, Smellie does not play golf and was unaware of the vertical timber clues in front of her. The result was a frustrating time off trail seeing if she could visit all 18 holes before finding herself back on trail.

 

For the third time, I found myself running alone. Once off the golf course, the footpath/trail took a short route through woods and then right behind a row of houses. Part way along this part of the trail, an easily missed arrow had the pack go left and up a short footpath onto Brunel Road. At the end of Brunel Road, another pair of arrows marked the trail left and up Broadsands Road.

 

We crossed under a second very high railway arch. As soon as we has passed under the arch an arrow had us bear left, off road again, and climb up a path through woodland. The wooded part was not very long and the path opened out onto open pasture. Arrows then guided us across Dartmouth Road and back onto Galmpton Green for a return to the On-Down via the outward trail.

 

Yet another trail made all the more interesting due to the absence of one key ingredient.....FLOUR!

 

Down-Downs

Forrest-Stump was not present to RA but he had paid a visit to Man-Pig's residence earlier in the day to drop off the frozen (yes - frozen) Hashshit shirt.

 

We thanked the pub (eventually) for the beer and for laying on scoff. The first question was, "What did we think of the trail?" Despite the inevitable groans we were grateful for a solo trail and U-Bend's assistance in keeping us on trail especially around Galmpton green.

 

First up with an award from last week was Soapy with the Jester's Hat. There were no stories about dogging old men this week. She simply thanked Zoot and Hotlips for organising the weekend's rail and ale pub crawl from Exmouth to Newton Abbot. Six pubs in all. 

 

Hence the Hat went to Hot Lips for organising it and making sure everyone got back to Newton Abbot. There was no mention of white bell-ends this week! The Songmeister piped up with a ditty - forgot which one.

 

Next was Well-Hopped. She had the Baby Bat Hat. This she gave to Ernie for taking us the wrong way at the only junction on trail! Pork Torpedo launched into "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy".

 

Man-Pig had the Hashshit shirt but he had seen nothing - not even flour on trail. Hence the shirt was going to go to whoever was to be awarded the highest number of runs badge that evening.

 

Not so simple. A dead heat. Piltdown man had calculated that he had two 300 run badges to award. However, this was the Mismanagement's third attempt at giving Wet-Johnny his 300th run badge. 

Smellie had also clocked up 300 runs. Wet-Johnny sat down whilst Strap-On was called upon to collect his 100th run badge in lieu of the abortive dead heat with Wet-Johnny. But who was going to get the Hashshit shirt? The Pig was going to put it to a vote but the crowd was already baying. It was a foregone conclusion. 

 

The environmentally unfriendly biohazard from Porton Down was awarded to Smellie whilst the Songmeister led the chant.

 

There was only one drink that remained to be awarded. It was the half pint of water. This was awarded to a thoroughly deserving solo Hare to the accompaniment of "Old MacDonald had touretts". However, this was not before an accompanying story.

 

During Saturday's rail and ale pub crawl, U-Bend had to buy another ticket. This was in order to get back on the train from Exmouth. No. He had not lost his original ticket. It was held electronically on his smart phone. 

 

Unfortunately, this was where the smart phone was not matched by a smart owner. Poor U-Bend had drunk so much beer, he'd forgotten how to access his electronic ticket!

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is at the Devon Arms Hotel, Teignmouth, with Hare Smellie (no doubt assisted by Piltdown Man & Georgie Porgy).

 

On-On to next week, MP.

 

Footnote: who is John Lampson? An old friend of mine that I have only seen once in the last 40 years and now works at the Manor Inn.....small world.