Run number 1911 4th April 2022

With no Blue Bird or Man Pig to write the words tonight

Shitfaced asked for volunteers, I though…… then said “alright”.

‘Twas good to see our GM back, no covid ill effect,

A smallish circle gathered round present and correct.

19 hashers came tonight to attend the AGPU

(Warm Front even cycled here to join ‘the chosen few’).

On the edge of Ipplepen, met at the football club

(Wet Johnny did the food tonight - Cheaper than a pub).

Wet Johnny also laid the trail, such a busy fella

Still quite light and nice n dry, no need for an umbrella.

Longs and shorts and walker’s trails all clearly laid in flour

Laid on the right, 3 and on – be back in ‘bout an hour.

The lycra boys (and girls) ran off, leaving us still standing

Uphill back along the road at first we found demanding.

Then narrow path the other side, ran along the road

The L/S split laid in flour, direction clearly showed.

All along to Two mile Oak and crossed the road once more

And followed signs to Denbury, flour arrows on the floor.

The fast front runners out of sight, with Ubend I now run

We were first to reach the checks and checked them every one.

Got it wrong the first time and the second time as well

On trail the hedgerows filled with primroses and bluebell.

Looking over shoulder saw Warm Front close behind

(she is an elite runner you’ve got to bear in mind).

Then on her heels was Beefy trying to get home first

‘cos football club had cheap beer, enough to quench his thirst.

In dribs and drabs we all got back, some at just a walk

Some people run, some people jog, some just come to talk.

We changed our clothes and settled down to curry, chips and rice

(I didn’t actually have some but the aroma was quite nice!!)

Shitfaced called us all to order, to start the AGPU

Who else was on committee? – I didn’t have a clue!

He was looking pretty lonely, saddened and bereft

So, Piltdown ‘came his right-hand man but sat down on his left!

No one to write the minutes? So, I thought I’d have a go

With in’s and out’s and bank accounts – the things we have to show.

The GM thanked committee and said some want to leave

The accounts were read, not in the red, the black I do believe

3Sum had it all wrote down, in rows and columns clearly

the subs collected every week and People paying yearly.

Insurance paid and badges bought and Tshirts for awards

(I took a photo of her notes, to keep for our records)

3sum would like keep her roll, Hash Cash she will remain

But Sat Nav (who did Hash Tax) doesn’t want to stand again

So Pisswell now will greet you all, beg or take your pound

And Piltdown man who takes your names is gunna hang around.

Our G.M. will stand again, we needn’t ask him twice

And to help him with the work load, Ubend will be his vice.

Rambo ‘came our new trail raiser. Wet Johnny social sec

If night out you want to organise, with him you’ll have to check.

Zoot will remain our Haberdash, and web master still bluebird

Pork Torpedo will sing songs, the ‘worst’ you’ve ever heard!

Forest Stump, Fallen Woman and Man Pig our R.A.s

And their Organiser Teapot entertain us on Mondays.

 

Well that’s it folks, I’ve done the words and craftily within it

I hope you read them, that’s because you've also read the minutes

On on Soapy xx

Monday 4th April map

 

A TRAIL OF TWO HALVES & ONCE MORE UNTO THE BREACH FOR PISSWELL

Run #1910 Monday 28th March from the Divers Arms at Babbacombe

 

LAST MINUTE HARES: Bluebird and Man-Pig

 

Who wuz there: Bluebird, Man-Pig, Arkangel, Forrest Stump, Piltdown Man, Georgy-Porgy, Smellie, Broadshit, Melonpicker, Soapy, Teapot, Wetfart, Beefy, Pisswell, Rambo, Fallen Woman, Piddler, Coldtits, Able Semen, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Ernie, Swinger, Polyfella, Tamsin (needs a name), Satnav, Threesum (on-down only), Bobbiball (on-down only). PLUS Strap-On!

 

THE CIRCLE

A void week in the Hash Diary i.e. no hares. The demon duo of Dick Dastardly and Mutley stepped in to lay the trail. An early improvised on-down at Kents was changed at the last minute to the Divers Arms - formerly Route 16; Coach and Horses and originally the Roughwood.. It has been a long time since we ran from here. In fact, the last time that many of us were in this pub was for Mavis's 40th birthday party prior to him running off to New Zealand with Half Nelson.

 

Able Semen had an announcement regarding The Devon Lunatics weekend commencing on Friday 13th May 2022. It will kick-off with a run/pubcrawl from the Mill-on-the-Exe on the Friday evening. It is a self-funded pay-as-you-go affair so come for 1, 2 or all 3 days. More details to follow on the Devon Lunatics Facebook page.

 

Man-Pig then had an update regarding Number 2's funeral. Yes, it is now open to the hash to attend. However, the chapel is small and can only accommodate a maximum of 50 people. The funeral details have already been posted on both the TVH3 and Ashburton Hash Facebook pages. It will take place at in Newton Abbot at 2.30pm on Friday 8th April. Thereafter, it is off to the Union Inn, Denbury for a rum or two to celebrate Number 2's life. Dress attire is bright and colourful. Threesum is co-ordinating numbers. Early indications are that the threshold of 50 in the chapel might well be exceeded. Watch the TVH3 Facebook page for updates.

 

Over to the remaining hare as Bluebird had run off to live lay the remaining piece of the trail jigsaw. This, despite, having promised that the Shorts trail had been completed the previous day. The remaining hare, Man-Pig, explained:

 

First, scoff - if you want food do not do the Longs. The kitchen closes at 8.30 but the chef will give us a 10 or 15 minute leeway. Anyone arriving back at the pub after 8.45 would go hungry.Second, "the trail - there is a Walkers, Shorts and a Longs. I have no idea about distance as I had had no part in the Walkers and Shorts' trails". Almost as much information as had been imparted by Arkangel the previous week!

 

THE TRAIL

The early parts of the trail had been laid by Bluebird in a combination of blue chalk and cat litter. The latter parts of the trail had been laid by Man-Pig in flour. The trail led past Babbacombe theatre and then along Babbacombe Downs, past the cliff railway, and onwards past the Model Village. A Long/Short split had the Shorts turning right down towards Oddicombe Beach. 

 

The Longs carried on along St Marychurch Road before turning right onto Petitor Road, past Torbay Golf club, and to a check on Redcliffe downs. The trail then beared right and downhill taking us onto the commando challenge on Oddicombe Beach. This comprised clambering over large blocks of fallen sandstone from the collapsing cliff face. Normally sandstone is fairly soft and smooth. Not this stuff. This appears to contain sherds of flint. Whatever it is, it is like climbing over very coarse sandpaper.

 

Despite the trail being conducted at low tide, no one was afforded the luxury of a simple run along the beach. The choices were: 1) get wet, probably very wet or, 2) to clamber over the rockfall and risk breaking your ankles. The state of the tide rather dictated the latter as being the only plausible option.

Once clear of the obstacle course, it was a simple run for Piddler and I along Oddicombe Beach passing Piltdown Man and an injured Smellie on the way. I was sure that I was the last of the Longs, but it later transpired that Arkangel had taken up the role of tail-end-charlie and cleared the rocks on his own.

 

At the end of the beach, it was up the very steep Beach Road past the Carey Arms. The Walkers continued up Beach Road and back to the pub. Meanwhile, the Longs and the Shorts had to bear sharp left. This leads to an area of wooded hillside and a climb up to open downs at Walls Hill. Here we came across Tamsin. She was resting as she was still a little weak whilst recovering after having contracted covid.

 

Soon all three of us were on open ground and a number of other hashers torches could be seen. We ran past the Babbabcombe cricket club pavilion only to see Pisswell and Forrest Stump a little off trail and running back to the pub. Melonpicker was in front of us and looking for marks. With a little help from the hare, we got him back on trail just before arriving at the last Long/Short split. Tamsin and Piddler sensibly elected for the Shorts. Dastardly, or is that Mutley, decided that he should sweep the Longs.

 

The Last Long was a 3 mile loop. Leaving Walls Hill, the trail led through woodland and the footpath that took us down to the car park on Ansteys Cove Road (sometimes known as Palace Road). At the rear of the car park the trail crossed the playing fields. The southern end of the playing fields is bounded by Ilsham Road. The check here had been kicked out. Good. There were Longs in front of me. The trail took a left down Ilsham Road before an arrow took us into Ilsham Meadow - the site of our first post third lockdown run - courtesy of Wigwam.

 

Almost at the southern end of Ilsham Meadow, where Ilsham Road turns into Meadfoot Sea Road, a check took the pack right and into the woodland of Manor Gardens. The trail took us up a steep incline before exiting the wood onto Lincombe Drive. Almost straight across the private drive and up a very steep public footpath that leads up to Higher Lincombe Road. An arrow now took us right and along Higher Lincombe Road before dropping down left onto Ridgeway Road.

 

At the apex of the first hairpin bend, another arrow. this time guiding us down a rather overgrown public footpath. This took us down and onto Higher Erith Road. Another arrow pointing to the right and we were heading past Lincombe Road and onto the Babbacombe Road at Kents in Wellswood. Arrows took us right and up Babbacombe Road. But not for long.

 

Before arriving at the entrance to the huge construction project, on the site of the old Palace Hotel, a long curved arrow took us down another public footpath. This was signposted "Footpath access to Ansteys Cove". The footpath ended at the Ansteys Cove car park. An arrow with an "OH" below it took us back up that part of Ansteys Cove Road that we had just run down 25 minutes earlier. 

 

This time it was all the way up to the top of the road where it rejoins Babbacombe Road. The marks took us up a slight uphill ascent until yet another arrow pointed right and along 250 yards of footpath. This led us back onto Walls Hill to rejoin the Shorts trail for the final 600 yards back to the pub.Back in the pub, I had thought that I had been the last to be out on trail. Not so. Arriving back at the pub with Forrest Stump, Pisswelll was aghast that she'd only recorded 2.83 miles. U-turn, out of the pub and back unto the breach of Walls Hill to find that elusive last Long/Short split. 

 

Well done - dogged determination if ever there was.

 

THE DOWN-DOWNS

The Baby Bat Hat, perched upon Georgy was the first Deliverance (1972) and manifold were the propos-ed culprits. Eighteen consumed chips later and Wetfart was summoned for allegedly baring all. A note for 'hung like a donkey' if you please.

 

The wise or wizened Wizard Piddler spun a tale of adventure and disaster before finally getting to the point and awarding the Jester's Hat to Pisswell for being late back to the pub. (see main text!).

Forrest had smelt a rat cum sardines in brine as He who should not be nam-ed approach-ed with the revered Hashit shirt in tow. I know you are mildly interested or held captive in my text bubble, so I'll elaborate:

 

I feed a one-legged seagull (I'm not the only one, so does BroadS) sardines daily as he crash lands onto my flat roof. I then have to wipe my hands on something - and, I think you've only sussed it - the closest thing to hand the past week was ... No? Well please yourselves then.

 

Anyway, rewind back to the Divers Inn and Bobby wheeling his Panzer cycle through the doors into the pub. Wishing to come to the aid of der Rottenfuhrer, I hastily provided a cover story to the management.

 

'He's eighty five you know.' The bar manageress looked across at the bewheeling apparition and retorted: 'Eighty five? That's amazing!' 

 

Poor Bobby, and a stale pork pie caught him under the eye and Bobby bit the dust - or floor as Teapot presented that Little Shop of Horrors (1986) aka the doggie beer bowl.

 

Bobby blanched and doggedly [now come on SIC you fools] prepared for the worst. But then a shining light came upon the assembly and White Knight (I know, a man of many parts) Piddler stepped forward, picked up the doggie bowl and placed it in bewildered Bobby's clammy hands.

 

Whoa! I didn't know it was that simple! And down it did young Bobby to the accompanying chords of 'Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy' Hurrah!

 

MP comment: The Homing Horse Head Hat - although absent, rumour has it that stabling has been found for it at Ka Ford in Maidencombe! (Dire threats have been uttered by Wetfart who awarded the hat to the Idiot on Awards Night).

 

POSTSCRIPT

Relieved to get this one done and dusted. It was quite a slog, what with the Hunt for Red October (1990) and a DD at short notice; the pre-lay of the short trail on Sunday and the live lay of the last section of the long on the night. 

 

Mighty thanks go to co-hare MP who trekked over at 5 pm and stayed after laying his loop of the long.

The chariot tether charge was iniquitous - as many of you rightly did protest. Charges applicable to midnight! The Sheriff of Nottingham evidently is alive and well in Torbay. 

 

But never mind, the shares in RentaHare are steadily rising and we wait in the wings to come to the aid of the Hash. 

 

Thank you all for making the journey.

 

NEXT WEEK

It's the Big Night, our AGPU from Ipplepen football club with hare Wet Johnny and the usual Penner suspects.

 

And now it's goodbye from Man-Pig and goodbye from me.

ON ON!

Monday 28th March location map

 

A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY & YOU CAN DROWN IN A HALF INCH OF BEER!

Run #1909 Monday 21st March from Teign Bridge CP, OD the Kings Arms.

REPLACEMENT HARES: Shitfaced & Arkangel

 

Who wuz there: Shitfaced, Arkangel, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Cheeri-Beerio, Piltdown Man, Georgy-Porgy, Smellie, Broadshit, Only Here for the Beer, Melonpicker, Soapy, Teapot, Wetfart, Beefy, Pisswell, Wet-Johnny, Manopause, Rambo, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Piddler, Coldtits, Slip On Me, The Virgin Mary (returnee from 2008!), Strap-On, Mrs Strap-On, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Able Semen. A howling Bluebird impersonator (we never did find out who this was - a civilian as mad as Bluebird?)

 

THE CIRCLE

In the absence of our original covid stricken hares, Shitfaced stepped in to lay the trail. Once again most of it was delegated. This time to Arkangel. This was mainly on account of the fact that Shitfaced was still recovering from a week's worth of 40th birthday celebrations - including an excellent party at Forde Hall. Thankyou Shitfaced. I guess that we'll now have to wait till your 50th for another week long party?

 

Arkangel was brief on the description of the trail. "Two long short splits". Piddler, as ever, wanted to know the full route of the trail; distance, topography, air temperature, sea temperature - the whole caboodle. But Arkangel was giving nothing away.

 

Just before the "off", Man-Pig delivered a rather sad announcement. Long term harriet of several Devon hashes, Number Two (Val Dean), had died on 8th March at Derriford Hospital. And, on that sombre note, the trail commenced.

 

THE TRAIL

 

DERANGED (1974)

The trail took us straight across the road from the car park and northwest along the western bank of the Teign. To our left we could hear shouts and bellowing of the deranged Bluebird over by the Stover canal.....or so we thought. That was until we eventually caught up with Bluebird at a check. So who was the deranged hasher? Shirley it must have been a hasher as he had a head torch. We never found out who the mystery impersonator was. We eventually concluded that it was almost certainly a non hasher.

After a mile, we came to the Walkers' split. The Walkers peeled off left towards Locks Bridge whilst the Longs and the Shorts followed the Teign along its banks to Ventiford Bridge. This was beginning to look like an anticlockwise re-run of Screwed and Bella's run from last year. However, the check at Ventiford Bridge had us all heading back towards Teigngrace. In Teigngrace an arrow took us over the railway line and the Stover canal before rejoining the Shorts. The return leg took us along the new cycle track which is built on the route of the disused railway line. It wasn't long before we were back on the old Exeter Road and the "OH" sign....but there was a catch. This was also the second Long/Short split.

 

The Shorts went left for 100 yards before arriving back at their cars. The Longs, meanwhile, embarked on a trek down to Jetty Marsh in Newton Abbot. This one and a half mile loop had us going down the western edge of the Stover canal and back up the eastern bank of the canal. And, for good measure, Arkangel put in an arrow leading down some steps at its furthest point. I was a little perplexed as I don't recall ever having gone down these steps before. Nevertheless, the arrows don't lie (usually). This turned out to be the shiggiest part of the trail and it was a Ha! Ha! Back up the steps to find the real trail. Sure enough, we'd missed an enormous arrow. This guided us onto the east bank for a fast trot back upto Exeter Road and the car park.

 

Well, that was the end of the official trail. However, for some reason, Pisswell had elected to run back to the pub. I was the second last to leave the car park. Only Pisswell's yellow AA van remained. Hence, imagine my surprise to find her standing outside the pub as I drove past? How perplexing. A down-down for next week methinks.

 

Well done last week's birthday boys, Arkangel and Shitfaced, for standing in and setting a worthy trail.

 

THE DOWN-DOWNS

Beefy awarded the Baby Bat hat to Georgy Porgy for startling him in the car. Georgy pulled a face and stated that 'I don't like beer!' WHAT? She then refused to drink out of a urine specimen container, choosing the normal glass. An apology was (after prompting) tendered to the completely innocent Bird who had also been mentioned for 'screeching' on trail.

 

IN THE FRAME SHIRLEY

On leaving the Teign Bridge CP en routey for the dash back to the bar, Pisswell was entering the CP and the Bird brain decided to give her a wide berth Bertha but managed to mount the kerbing instead. Two loud bangs ensued as the silver chariot crashed over... sigh. Shirley the Bird was in the frame!

But neigh, ever so neigh, Neddy, hold your horses. Pisswell enquired as to the whereabouts of the Virgin Mary [First Bible refs: Matthew (1:16; 18-25) and Luke (1:26-38)] but our harriet the Virgin Mary was not in the pub. 'Okay, where's Manopause then?' Oh lackaday, the Penners also were missing. Oh-oh, Pisswell would now have to resort to the third choice... Enter stage left One Idiot..

 

DEATH ON THE DOWN-DOWN (2022)

Did you know that you could drown in a half inch of beer? Nearly a first fatality on the DD as the Bird thrashed wildly in his beer bird bath.. not a pretty sight..

 

The lead up to the Jester's Hat destination left little doubt that Piddler was favourite. A catalogue of transgessions followed, including forgetting what the Grand Master was called... step forward Piddler please.

 

NEXT WEEK

A gap in the diary filled once more by Rentahare© Inc.

We will be at the Divers Arms, 86 Babbacombe Downs Rd, Torquay TQ1 3LU Confus-ed? Formerly Route 16 which also may not ring any bells, but before that it was the Coach and Horses where we have hashed from a few times in the past.

 

As usual, it's goodbye from Man-Pig and goodbye from me until next week's episode.

 

ON-ON!

 

POST SCRIPT: On hearing the news of Number Two's passing, Poacher has expressed a wish to lay a trail from Denbury in Number Two's memory. Watch this space for details.

Monday 21st map

 

TRIPLE BIRTHDAY BOY - RENT A HARES & ONE MILLION CALORIES B.C.

by Man-Pig

Run #1908 Monday 14th March from the Park Inn

 

HARE: "Shitfaced" & friends!

 

Stentorian sang the centurion atop the wooded valley and tormented were the legionnaires of the Imperial TVH who toiled up the rocky and treacherous incline. Oh Yes, Oh Dearly Deja Vu, there was a Bluebird singing over the muddy cliffs of Coffinswell...

 

Who wuz there: Shitfaced, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Archangel, Bobbiball, Forrest Stump, T-Humper, Ipoo'd, Piltdown Man, Georgy-Porgy, Only Here for the Beer, Andy (newby from the Park Inn), Melonpicker, Soapy, Teapot, Wetfart, Beefy, Pisswell, Wet-Johnny, Erection, Manopause, Rambo, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Piddler, Triple Jump and Julie (apres trail), Ablesemen, TT, Slip On Me, Floss (post run beer only). Informed that Artful Dogger and Muttley were there as well.

 

THE CIRCLE

Historically, this had been the St Patrick's Day hash and the Hare has been Irish birthday boy Arkangel. However, this year the green tradition has been usurped by the GM.....and for good reason. For it is Shitfaced's 40th birthday on the 18th.

 

Now, I don't know if the lofty status of GM has gone to Shitfaced's head, but he has gone one better than the Queen. Her Majesty only hs two birthdays a year. Shitfaced has three. Monday's run was birthday No.1; Thursday is his actual birthday and on Saturday he has his official 40th birthday party at Forde Hall in Newton Abbot. Shitfaced welcomed everyone into the circle.

 

Tonight there would be a pre-birthday barbecue laid on, gratis, by the birthday boy and prepared by Park 'n' Ride.....and how excellent it was - replete with a gorgeous pavlova courtesy of Soapy. In addition to the evening's free scoff, Shitfaced invited all the Hash to his official party. This will take place at Forde Hall, Newton Abbot from 7pm till midnight on Saturday 19th March. Splendid.

Over to the Hare(s). Shitfaced looked towards Man-Pig. Well, after all, he did have a barbecue to organise! In fairness, Bluebird did offer the services of himself and Man-Pig to help lay the trail at the end of last week's Awards Night.

 

Man-Pig described the trail whilst Bluebird disappeared in his car to, "do something on the trail". Man-Pig advised that there were three long-short splits and a short-walkers' split. The Walkers' would be circa 2 miles, Shorts 4.5 to 5 and the Longs pushing on 7 miles....or so he thought.

 

As it transpired, Bluebird's, "doing something on trail" turned out to be him morphing into a traffic warden. This was in order to knock half a mile off the Shorts' trail. The Hare then recommended that, if the Shorts didn't want too long a trail, just do the second Long/Short split.

 

THE TRAIL

The trail took us straight across the road from the Park Inn car park and up the pedestrian alleyway and onto the first check on Park Road. After quite a bit of checking, and an absence of marks, it was "On-On" left and along Woodlands Avenue and the junction with Coles Lane. Another check, barely visible in peach coloured chalk. On-right and up to the A380; the main road which bisects Kingskerswell. Down towards the quarry at Aller Brake and the first Long/Short split.

 

The Walkers and Shorts climbed up Yew Tree Climb to Paraprick's pad on Milber Lane before turning right towards Coffinswell. The Longs, meanwhile, embarked on a 700 metre loop down the old A380 and then back to Romany Jones' cafe via a track that runs parallel with the main road.

 

Now back on the Shorts' and Walkers' trail the Longs pushed on to the next Long/Short split. This was at the end of Milber Lane at its junction with Blackenway Lane. The Shorts and Walkers went right. After 100 yards they arrived at the Shorts/Walkers' split. The Walkers went right and dropped back onto the A380 just behind the garage that sells the camper vans. It was then a simple backtracking of the outward trail back to the pub.

 

SIREN (2016 horror)

The Shorts went left and towards the centre of Coffinswell. After 300 yards, a large arrow directed them down a broad track called Kerswell Lane. This then rises steeply to the top of Kerswell Hill where we could see a very bright torch and hear (unmelodious) singing, screeching, yodelling - call it what you will. This, unsurprisingly, turned out to be the siren call of Bluebird luring hashers to their fate.

In reality, it was Bluebird correcting a trail laying error from earlier in the day which had resulted in an additional, and unplanned, half mile loop. In his new role as yodeller cum traffic policeman, he guided Hashers to the top of Kerswell Hill where all were ushered left and across the field at the top of Kerswell Hill. Coldtits and I followed the harrowing sounds to the crest where Bluebird confirmed who had and had not passed through beforehand. Quite a few Shorts had been through including, surprisingly, Forrest Stump with Muttley. The usual FRB's would still be on the second lang/Short split but no-one knew where Piddler was. Was he on the Long? We never found out. (I forgot that he was next on trail behind Forrest. BB).

 

In daylight, this highpoint delivers a spectacularly picturesque view over the village of Coffinswell. At nighttime, it additionally afforded Bluebird a birdseye [sic] view of Hashers' torches proceeding through the village.

 

After crossing the field atop Kerswell Hill, it was a left turn and back down the track known as Coffinswell Lane. Coffinswell Lane exits onto Willowpark Lane near Coffinswell church. A right turn and continue along Willowpark Lane to the final Long/Short split.

 

Meanwhile, back at the second Long/Short split Beefy, Pisswell, Manopause and Erection had climbed up Blackenway Lane to its junction with St Marychurch Road. Here they came upon a peculiar mark - a circle with a cross in it. Completey befuddled by this alien mark, they took it as a Ha Ha and decided to run all the way back to the previous Long/Short split in order to rejoin the Shorts' trail.

 

On the way down Blackenway Lane, they came across Arkangel plodding slowly uphill. They recounted the story of the mystery mark. Arkangel explained that this was a back check. There would have been a turn off somewhere near the mark which they had missed.

 

Unconvinced by this explanation, the quartet continued down Blackenway Lane to embark on the Shorts' trail. Arkangel, meanwhile, continued up to the top of the lane. Twenty five yards before its junction with St Marychruch Road, there is a galvanised steel gate on the right. In truth, it is pretty concealed but it leads onto a public footpath across the edge of a 150 yard wide field. On the other side of the field is another galvanised steel gate. This exits onto Connybear Lane. The trail then beared right, dropping into Coffinswell via another footpath that runs infront of two large posh houses, before rejoining the Shorts. Well done Arkangel. The only hasher to stay on trail for the entire hash!

 

Back at the bottom of Coffinswell Lane, Coldtits and I trotted first up and then down Willowpath Lane to the final Long/Short split at the junction with Daccombe Mill Lane. The FRB's had just caught us up. Manopause and erection elected to follow Coldtits on the Shorts. This part of trail went along the occasionally flooded, Daccombe Mill Lane to Kingskerswell where it enters the village just above the Lord Nelson on Fluder Hill.

 

Beefy, Pisswell and myself opted for the Long which added just over a mile to the trail. This took us upto the crossroads at the top of Fluder Hill. If we had continued straight across the crossroads, we would have had a fairly steep descent down to Kerswell Gardens. The Hare was not so cruel. The trail took us right and along the crest of Fluder Hill before the long descent back to the village. We were convinced that we were the only ones to have done the final Long. But what was this in front of us? None other than Melonpicker....a closet FRB!

 

Passing the Lord Nelson on our right, we arrived at the village war memorial where we came to a faint chalk "OH". This took us right and along School Road and Coles Lane and back to the on-down and the barbecue that awaited us.......if there was any left. There was!

 

Thanks to Shifaced and Park'n'Ride for laying on the barbecue and thanks to Soapy for a wonderful pavlova.....and the grand finale? Rum and raisin and Baileys alcoholic fudge crafted by soon-to-be super chef, I'Pood. Well done all.

 

BARBIE DOWN-DOWNS

 

A DOWN-DOWN OF TWO HALVES

I-Poo'd awarded the Jester's Hat to Birthday Boy Shitfaced - after he had his Birthday DD, they were only halves after all.

 

SHE'S L-U-M-B-E-R-E-D

Forrest, his ears still ringing from the trail onslaught cacophany, nominated the stentorian centurion but wary of being counter- downdowned, sensibly lumbered Pisswell with the Hashit Shirt for flashing a light on exiting the CP. 

 

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

Delivering the Baby Bat Hat was problematic as the Bird, perched atop a five barred gate for much of the evening had Much Ado About Nothing as Will would have whispered. However, there was a rumour emanating from the Penners' beer table and, in desperation, the Bird flew [Shirley sic you fools] with it.

Sorry, Beefy, old mate, they made me do it...

 

HORSE HAT CHELTENHAM BOUND

'Where's Ned?' enquired Wetfart who had sussed that the Homing Horse Head Hat was missing from the show.

Well neigh, it's a most special week - Cheltenham Oh Glory Be! and the horsey will be watching with me of course!

 

T Humper was awarded a 100 Run Badge and a celebration half to seal the deal.

 

ONE MILLION CALORIES B.C. (2022)

Another Birthday Boy was brought forward for a celebratory drink - Come on down Archangel please! And with that, the One Million Calories B.C. (2022) creation was produced courtesy of Soapy and a few helpings were dished out - but leaving the bulk of the calorie 'bombe' for the Grand (now even grander) Master to demolish.... whoa!

 

NEXT WEEK

Teigngrace car park near the river. The on-down is the Kings Arms, Kingsteignton. Original Hares of Pork Torpedo and Horny are, unfortunately, unavailable due to covid. It currently looks like replacement Hares will be Forrest-Stump and Arkangel.

 

Don't forget Shitfaced's party at Forde Hall this Saturday.

 

And so it's goodbye from Man-Pig and goodbye from me.

On-On to next week.

A JETTY OF FEAR, PUTIN'S PIPELINE & TIME AND TIDE WAIT FOR NO HASHER

by Man-Pig

 

Run #1907 Monday 7th March from the Wild Goose Inn

 

HARE: Bluebird

 

Who wuz there: Bluebird, Shitfaced, Forrest Stump, T-Humper, Ipoo'd, Piltdown Man, Georgy-Porgy, Smellie, Only Here for the Beer, Melonpicker, Soapy, Teapot, Wetfart, Beefy, Pisswell, Big End, Well-Hopped, Well Hopped's dad, Wet-Johnny, Erection, Manopause, Man-Pig, Zoot, Hot Lips, Cheerio-Beerio (recovering from 40th birthday), Rambo, Ernie, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Piddler, Jacqui (Red Rock Brewery), Wigwam (via Zoom), Threesum, Ablesemen, Swinger, Polyfella, Strap-On and Mrs Strap-On, Slip On Me and Land Ho invitee Scenic Route.

 

THE CIRCLE

After an absence of two years, the Awards Night was back, but with a difference. This year the awards would cover both 2021 and 2022 due to the covid induced disruption over the past 24 months. Down, but never out, 36 hardy souls who have endured the ups and downs of the past two years turned up to endure Bluebird's trail. What could possibly go wrong? 

 

Normally the Wild Goose does not open on a Monday. However, as it was our Awards Night, they opened especially for us. 

 

Additionally, and in the absence of a chef, IPoo'd stepped in to furnish the Hash with chip butties and, for a select few, the "secret sausages"! 

 

Despite a Hash exclusive evening, the Wild Goose's car park soon filled up with Hashers arriving early to secure a parking space - including some who secured parking spaces that were too small for their cars - Forrest! The village hall car park was full too. I had been running a little late so plumbed for the Coombe Cellars car park. This meant a third of a mile trot back to the pub....just what one needs after the Grizzly!

 

Announcements were thin on the ground so it was pretty much straight over to the Hare for the lowdown on the trail. Inevitably, the trail would be short in order to allow time for both the traditional Down-Downs and highlight of The Awards.In true 'Allo! 'Allo! style Bluebird started by stating, "I veel say theez on li wonce". The Walkers and the Shorts would be .....well....shortish; 3.3 miles with a separate Walkers' trail of less than 2 miles. The Longs was 3.8 miles. "Look out for driftwood". This gave us an inkling that we would not be running inland to Stokeinteignhead. The Bird went on to explain that he had written verses on pieces of driftwood. If we could find, and recall, all the verses there was a prize! The prize would be bucks fizz and beer.....the latter being of no possible use to Cheerio Beerio.

 

THE TRAIL (or, time for a tide table?)

Left out of the car park and back down past the pub to the Newton Abbot - Shaldon road. No check so all turned right heading towards Coombe Cellars. At the turn-off to Coombe Cellars was the Walkers and Shorts/Long split. The Walkers and the Shorts turned left and down the lane to Coombe Cellars. The Longs continued up towards Shaldon - but not for much further. An arrow took us left and onto the entrance that leads to Hearn's field. This is the field that hosts various village events throughout the year. This includes firework night, classical music, plays and even opera! Culture in darkest Devon! Tonight it was eerily silent. Across Hearn's field to rejoin the Walkers and the Shorts in Combe Cellars' car park.

 

The trail then took us diagonally across the car park and onto the coast path. After 100 yards or so, an arrow directed all hashers through a five-bar gate and into a field. Here was the second Walkers and Shorts/Longs split. The Walkers followed the route of the public footpath. This is uphill and diagonally across this field before entering into a second field. The public footpath follows the western edge of the second field before rejoining the black stuff at the end of Cross Lane. 

 

We have been across these fields several times in the past. In the summer they are usually full of the Elephant Grass crop (Miscanthus), sometimes 7 or 8 feet tall. Tonight, the crops were just 2 inches high. 

 

At the first crossroads, the marks took all hashers downhill on a minor road that leads into the western edge of Combeinteignhead.

 

Meanwhile, back in the first field, the Longs and shorts skirted along the northern edge for about 100 yards before arriving at a check by a stile. Beefy checked further along the edge of the field which had now swung south only to rejoin the Shorts. The trail, in fact, continued over the stile and through 300 yards of woodland before dropping onto the foreshore below Netherton House.Wet-Johnny, the appropriately named Scenic Route, Erection, Manopause, Swinger, Polyfella, Piddler and Melonpicker were in front of me and Beefy, Pisswell, Well Hopped, Big End and Coldtits were behind as we scoured the foreshore for the elusive driftwood. Driftwood providing the words that would secure our rewards......hmmm, Bucks Fizz and beer.... but not necessarily at the same time.

 

Now, Bluebird is fond of referring to films and music that may have a passing relevance to the trail when he pens the Words. As we gingerly tiptoed along the edge of the foreshore, it soon became clear that we were on an incoming tide. This was not helped by a quite chilly westerly breeze. My thoughts immediately turned to Time and Tide by Whitesnake. The Bird had got neither quite right. He had laid the trail on Monday afternoon; a good 4 hours before high tide. Sure enough, all the marks were laid above the high tide mark. However, trees, rocks and other obstacles dictated that we all had to move ever closer to the water's edge to navigate them. It did cross my mind that the Dead Sea Scrolls, now recast onto driftwood, may well be on the high seas by now. 

 

Nevertheless, the doubting Thomas in me was stymied when we came to the end of the timber jetty at Netherton Point. On the first plank, written in yellow chalk, was inscribed the legend: "Jetty of Fear". One down, two verses to go.

 

By the skin of our teeth, Beefy, Pisswell and I managed to keep our feet relatively dry. But the tide was coming in fast. Back in the pub I learned that Well Hopped, Big End and Coldtits had not fared quite so well. [Note to Bluebird - buy some Tide Tables].

 

Almost obscured, to our left was a gap in the woods. This is the end of Hackney Lane, a track that leads down to the sewerage treatment works. 

 

It was high time that we turned inland, lest we grow webbed feet. A quick investigation of the track, by torchlight, revealed marks.Up Hackney Lane to the first junction where the stone and soil track gives way to a tarmac lane. For some reason flour had been superceded by green chalk and chalk arrows pointed us to the left and a steep downhill past Tuckett's Farm. What goes down must Shirley come up. And so it was. A short, but steep, uphill to the crossroads at Cross Lane to rejoin the walkers' trail. 

 

From here it was pretty much downhill all the way back to The Wild Goose.PS we never did find the other two verses but Wet Johnny at least got two out of three. We all missed "Putin's Pipeline" situated immediately in front of the large yellow sign by the gas pipe!

 

THE DOWN-DOWNS

Summoned first to the oche, Erection built a fine tale of woe to ultimately saddle Swinger with the Baby Bat Hat. Her crime? Scolding Manopause, Erection and the hare (who were having a nice little chinwag) for being slowcoaches. Grrrrr.

 

ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES

Wetfart strode to the front amid 'neighs' carrying the revered Homing Horse Head hat. An eloquent address indeed ensued, befitting a Roman senator, and even it's recipient was taken aback when he was awarded the horse's hat for being such a fool. B' Boom!

 

PIDDLER'S PROBLEM

Piddler was next but had a problem - he had put the hashit shirt on the bar and some rogue hasher had purloined it - the swine! After enduring a torrent of heckling, the shirt was located in the Idiot's prize bag and He who should not be nam-ed had to explain that it was Forrest who was the culprit. The story unfolded that Forrest had cunningly squeezed between two cars in the CP only to find he couldn't get out... sigh. Down down please.

 

CHEF SUPREME

ThreeSum produced the Jester's hat and a very well-deserved drink was given to I-Poo'd for her cheffing duties on this, our Night of Nights.

 

As a precursor to the main event, the Driftwood Challenge prize was awarded to Wet Johnny, Wet Johnny, Wet Johnny for discovering the elusive legends: 'Jetty of Fear' on the (very) rickety wooden pier; 'Putin's Pipeline' directly in front of the large yellow signage and 'Safari So Cruise' which even the hare had difficulty finding. Well done WJ!

 

THE CHERISHED AWARDS

Amid trumpet fanfares and ticker-tape, our MC Hammer Shitfaced got the show on the road - after strategically placing a smartphone to broadcast live to hashers' homes all over the planet - well Poland at least.

 

PROPER PLANNING INDEEDY

The amount of planning and preparation, the toil, sweat and tears all came to blinding fruition for this so eagerly anticipated event after languishing long in the Covid induced wilderness.

 

THE AWARDEES

Best newcomer: Cheerio Beerio

Best Hasher: Beefy

Best Harriet: Well Hopped

Best Hare: Pisswell

Best Hash: Forrest

Scribe: Man-Pig

On-Down: Jacqui at red Rock Brewery

Pillock of the Year: Bluebird

All round good egg (formerly the"Crusher Award"): Shitfaced

 

POSTSCRIPT

A brilliant night and greatly enjoyed by all - including the live streamed. After agonising over the wisdom of going round the Teign foreshore (I thought it would be tight), I decided, like the young man from Bengal to risk it and went as a biscuit only to find that Big End, Well Hopped, Ned and Coldtits got gobbled up in the hall by the furious incoming tide. My sincere apologies to you.

 

To be honest, I had not even considered getting any award on the night and was truly (most pleasantly) surprised to get my beloved Pillock shirt once more.

 

As for the awards, weren't they amazing? It was only getting back home that I discovered the work and expense that had gone into their delivery. The names of the winners were printed on each shirt (usually only the category) and there was a fine quality parchment with gold etched names accompanying the carton which enclosed a personalized beer glass - whoa! 

 

Our Grand Master - he of the manufactured Staff of TVH - had also burnt the midnight oil, producing bases for sundry horse shoes - the successor to Wigwam's yellow ducks (yes, Wiggy, they are still fondly recalled!).

 

Oh Yes, Oh Dearly Beloved, your Mismanagement certainly did you proud. HURRAH!

 

NEXT WEEK

The Park Inn, Kingskerswell with "Hare" (fellow cronies assist), Shitfaced. It is Shitfaced's 40th birthday and the Hare (well, Hare's Dad really) will be laying on a complimentary birthday barbeque. Bring an empty tum!

 

And finally, it's goodbye from Man-Pig and goodbye from me until next week. ON ON!