TVH3 The Words for 6th March 2023

AWARDS NIGHT

 

The Wild Goose, Combeinteignhead

 

Run No. 1959

 

by our Scribe of the Year Man-Pig

 

HARES: Man-Pig & Bluebird

 

Who wuz there: Man-Pig, Bluebird, Shitfaced, iPoo'd, Cheerio Beerio, Arkangel, Forrest Stump, Threesum, Soapy, Melonpicker, Polyfella (pub only?), Beeflicker, Slip-on-Me, Satnav, Ablesemen, Beefy, Pisswell, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Piddler, Coldtits, Gaga-4-it, Triple Jump, Teapot, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Amy (now Psycho).

 

Circle

A very brief circle this evening as we needed to push on. This was in order to get back to the pub. It was the annual TVH3 Awards' Night. The pre-run spiel was, indeed, brief. Despite advance notice of there being no food available at the pub, Shitfaced had arranged for iPoo'd to do some cooking using the pub's kitchen. We were all going to be treated to chip butties - courtesy of the Hash. Smellie desperately wanted Hares for 27th March and 3rd April. I think Smellie secured, well press-ganged, volunteers for these two dates in the pub afterwards.

 

Over to the Hare(s). An unfortunate birth year meant that run 1959 had fallen to Man-Pig to lay. This was irrespective of the fact that he wasn't born in 1959. In many respects it was a less than ideal date to set the trail as it was the day after The Grizzly. If we were to rely on Bluebird's DOB to assign a trail we would need to borrow Dr Who's Tardis and turn the clock back to the Edwardian era i.e. Edward the Confessor.

 

The trail had been laid earlier in the afternoon. Bluebird had done the Walkers' and the Shorts' trails whilst Man-Pig had laid the loop for the Longs'. Bluebird said that he would return in time for The Awards but would not be doing the trail as he had to look after Mum. In his absence, the Pig explained that tonight's trail would be short. There was a Walkers' of circa 1.5 miles, Shorts' about 2 and the Longs' might take it up to the 3 mile mark.

"Turn right out of the car park".

 

Trail

There was virtually no breeze and the skies were clear. This meant that it was on the cool side. The following day was going to be a full moon so the landscape was bathed in a soft glow. The first part of the trail took us on tracks that led high above Coombeinteignhead and totally devoid of light pollution. In fact, if you turned your torch off, once you'd acquired night vision it was possible to complete most of the trail by the light of the moon.

 

A couple of hundred yards out of the car park we came to our first check. This had been kicked out to the right and we could see torchlight through the trees as the pack climbed ever upwards to the Walkers'/Long & Short split. Walkers' to the right, Longs' and Shorts' to the left. The loop for the Longs' & the Shorts' had to pass under a fallen cherry tree that almost blocked the track. When setting the trail, the Bird commented that this might make a good photo opportunity. Beefy duly obliged by snapping the two Grizzliers from the previous day.

 

Upon reaching the ridge, we came to another check. We were right at the back of the pack and conducting ourselves at a somewhat leisurely pace. It was not surprising, therefore, that the check had been kicked out. But, by whom? In the absence of Wet-Johnny and a hobbling Beefy the FRB's were likely to be Amy and Pisswell. The trail proceeded due north back towards Combeinteignhead. The clear skies and full moon provided lovely views across the mirror calm Teign estuary. Trains could be both seen and heard as they clackety-clacked their way along the line that follows the north bank of the estuary between Newton Abbot and Teignmouth.

 

The trail descended down a steep and uneven path and then some dodgy steps behind Lilac cottage; a torch was necessitated at this point. At the bottom of the steps, we came to the Long/Short split. Shorts turned right and straight back to the pub. The Longs went left and found their first check only some 30 yards away. This had been kicked out up through the tiny hamlet of Westborough. The trail then followed the lane upto Westcross and another check. This had been kicked out towards Netherton House where we came across a back check. The pack only had to back check 20 yards before picking up the trail on the public footpath that leads down to Coombe Cellars.

 

The trail followed an existing track through one field but, upon passing into the second field the trail takes a 90 degree turn to the right. However, none of the hashers chose to follow the flour. Instead they ran straight on on what, in fairness, was a more well defined track. Nevertheless, it was an unmarked track. The net result was an additional 1km of running around three sides of two fields to arrive at the gate that exits onto the foreshore. The same point could have been reached in under 400m by following the marks! Never mind.

 

The blobs of flour then guided the pack around the boat storage area and up the narrow lane onto Shaldon Road. At the junction with Shaldon Road there was no check....the blobs simply followed the road to the right and downhill back into Combeinteighnhead. This should have resulted in a trail of about three miles. 

 

Perplexingly, FRB Amy had clocked up 7.5km; nearly five miles. Where had she been? Off getting herself a naming as we would soon find out.

 

Down-Downs

The short trail meant that we were all back in the pub before 8.30. Forrest decided to kick-off proceedings before the scoff came out so it was straight into the Down-Downs.

 

The first order of proceedings was to thank the pub for the beer and, additionally, for opening up just for us on a Monday night. Now, there is a little story behind the opening of the pub on this particular Monday. It transpired that the pub had already been pre-booked by Scenic Route on behalf of Haldon Hash. An exchange of phone numbers and a couple of calls later, it was all sorted. Scenic Route kindly deferred to letting TVH3 have the pub for its Awards Night. Thank you Scenic Route and Haldon Hash.

 

The first award went to a rather surprised Grand Master. RA Forrest rebuked him for failing at the circle to congratulate the Grizzly campaigners for their efforts the previous day. 

 

Hashshit Shirt: Coldtits had the shirt from the previous week. This she gave to Soapy for finding a marble that had been lost on the trail - a slant on losing one's marbles!

 

Jester's Hat: Beeflicker was in possession of this item for having laid an excellent virgin trail for TVH3 the previous week. Beeflicker had to cast his mind back some two years to a time when Polyfella had missed out on a Down-Down. A note for "The Forgetful One".

 

Horned Hat: Strap-On, after putting Piddler in the frame for 'invasion of privacy' coming to his local, the Court Farm, nominated Amy for the DD, citing her extensive over-checking on the trail. This led to her having a naming.

 

Naming: FRB and part time stripper, Amy, had somewhat overdone the checking. Nearly five miles covered on a sub three mile trail! How on earth did you manage it? You must be a psychopath. And so it was as Forrest christened "Psycho" in the time-honoured Hash tradition.

 

Run Badge: someone was in line for a 50th run badge. The Pig suspected, wrongly, that it was Strap-Dancer. The lucky lady was in fact Gaga-4-it who, unfortunately, was on crutches. This rather hindered her despatch of a half pint of water accompanied by "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy".

 

Finally, we gave a big thank you to the pub for accommodating us before we settled ourselves in the restaurant area for The Awards presentation.

 

THE AWARDS 2022

Shitfaced, appropriately attired as our MC, announced The Awards for the year ending 31st December 2022 - ably assisted by Threesum. However, this was before technical issues with wi-fi and software. Shitfaced had planned to broadcast live, via Facebook, to, amongst others, Wigwam in Poland; Mavis in New Zealand and bionic Bobby in Paignton. For some reason, the system wasn't working on Shitfaced's iPhone and Beefy's Android phone wasn't accessing the Facebook facility in the same manner.

 

Shitfaced introduced the awards with, "What a year it's been". This was in reference to Rambo's passing...."a true hash legend". Shitfaced asked Man-Pig to say a few words.

In a nutshell, Rambo touched us all, especially with his encouragement to push ourselves always a little further. How many of us over the years would have even contemplated The Grizzly without Rambo's support? Not many. Man-Pig also mentioned that it was almost the anniversary of No. 2's passing. They may be no longer with us but the people you really care about always live on in your heart. So, in a way, they are still very much alive in our memories.

 

It was lovely to see a photo of Rambo at the Memorial Tree on The Grizzly. Below the photo was Rambo's race number 69. The Grizzly organisers did not issue it to a runner this year. It was still reserved for Rambo and Rambo's memory; both apt and touching.

 

In true Oscaresque fashion, Shitfaced listed the contenders for each award before announcing the winner.

 

Hash of the Year (Best trail): this went to Pisswell for the Pisswell Farm Hash replete with Devonshire cream tea.

 

Hare of the Year: candidates comprised Wet-Johnny, Beefy, Man-Pig and Pisswell. The winner was Pisswell for a string of excellent trails on and around Dartmoor. We really are getting to the very best of what the Devon countryside has to offer on these trails.

 

Newcomer of the Year: prospectives included last years's winner, Cheerio Beerio, and the FRB'ing striptease artist Amy........and the winner was....Amy (now Psycho)

 

On-Down of the Year: and an almost unanimous vote for Broken-Man and Fallen Woman's abode for the Christmas fish'n'chip night.....and that troublesome yard of ale.

 

Club Hasher of the year (formerly the Crusher Award): this could have gone to Zoot for organising Rambo's Celebration of Life. However, the winner was Ablesemen - and jolly well deserved. Always in the background beavering away, frequently unseen. But Ablesemen has been the unsung stalwart and backbone of TVH3 for over 30 years. About time you had an award. Poor Able was quite overcome with emotion. Something for your mantlepiece ma'am.

 

Scribe of the year: there was competition from Soapy and singalong Pisswell but Man-Pig clinched it again - for interminable editions of War and Peace.

 

Hasher of the Year: Wet-Johnny, Man-Pig and Beefy were in the frame with Beefy emerging victorious.

 

Harriet of the Year: maybe this should have been Lost Harriet of the Year? Bizarrely, Erection was amongst the nominees for this award. But, emerging victorious was Smellie.

 

Pillock of the Year: I think the shortlist comprised Shitfaced for his gout, Forrest, Man-Pig and Bluebird, well, for just being Bluebird. Almost inevitably, and probably for being foolish enough to lay an 11 mile hash back in the summer, our prize pillock was - BLUEBIRD. Never in doubt!

 

Next week

 

Next week's Hash is at The Park Inn, Kingskerswell with Cheerio-Beerio and Shitfaced.

Thank you all for coming.

 

On-On to next week.

MONDAY'S MAP

 

TVH3 The Words for 20th February 2023

The Silent Whistle, Ashburton

 

Run No. 1957

 

HARE: Pisswell

 

Who wuz there: Pisswell, U-Bend, Piddler, Broadshit, Forrest Stump, Perry, Man-Pig, Archangel, Cheerio Beerio, Wet-Johnny, Slip-on-Me, Satnav, Ablesemen, Beefy, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Ernie, Coldtits, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Teapot, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Threesum, Tamsin, Triple Jump, Teararse, Rise'n'Shine & Mateus Rose.

 

No Food

Shitfaced had morphed into U-Bend who welcomed all into the circle. The announcements were brief and all related to food - or, more accurately, the absence thereof. The Hare, Pisswell, started by announcing that the original plan of ordering scoff from the chippie was scrubbed. This was simply because the owner had pissed her off so she had told him to, "Sod off". 

 

However, the pub was happy for Hashers to bring in their own food from other sources. Pisswell explained that there were a couple of late night corner shops and an Indian restaurant around the corner. Go forage.

 

In the same vein, it was confirmed that the Wild Goose was opening especially for us on 6th March. Hence the Awards night was a goer. Unfortunately, the absence of the landlord, his partner and bar staff sickness means that only the chef will be present. Accordingly, only one person will be on bar duty (the chef) and no scoff. Nevertheless, the Wild Goose is perfectly happy for Hashers to bring along their own victuals.

 

Pisswell advised that there was a Long, a Short and a Walkers'. Pay attention Smellie. The Long is about 5.5 miles and marks are always on the right except when you come back on yourself and then they are on the left. Ergo, the Walkers were to follow Pisswell for the early part of the trail when they would, initially, be following the return trail for the Longs and the Shorts. Hence, for the Walkers, early marks would be on the left. SIMPLES!

 

The Trail by Pisswell

 

Billy Joel - Uptown Girl Official Music Video

YouTubeYouTubehttps://www.youtube.com › watch

 

Uptown girl

She's been living in her moorland world

She came to Ashburton to lay a trail

So let me guide you as I tell the tale.

----------------------------------------

I'm gonna try for an uptown course

Pubs are dead, includes the old bay horse

The bull ring splits the shorts and longs go off past the chippy man

I told “cod off!” No fish and chips!

--------------------------------------

And if they run, the on down they will pass

The Silent Whistle

The on-ly pub left in Ash

-----------------------------

Shorts trail is not so tough

Just because, you will love, just 3 miles not 5

They miss the graveyard.

Will the longs survive?

They’ll meet at Bowden hill, the top of town

And then Knowles cross, the checks will take you round

Just make your choice

----------------------------

Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh

----------------------------

Uptown power

A check at Lanterns, using lots of flour

But maybe someday you’ll see I’m not evil

You’ll understand, just to release weevils!

Poor Ashburton!

---------------------

Meanwhile, the walkers they’re looking so fine

Enticed with sweeties, they got back in line

--------------------------------------------------

Headborough farm is not so tough

Grounds not rough

Did you love Great bridge, then stop

To eat sweeties? then up Terrace top

Another split, so shorts can then run back

Along the riverbank, whilst longs change tack

To Bluebell woods.

---------------------

Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh

----------------------------------

Uphill path

Through my uphill path

You ran through the leaves with some downhill steps

Steep downhill steps

And you know Smellies lost!

She’s a down down girl

Our down down girl

You know she’s a love, she’s our down down girl

She's our hat trick girl……

---------------------------

 

Third Time Lucky

It has been a long, long time since Teign Valley were last at the Silent Whistle and it was good to get reacquainted with an old friend again.

 

A toss of the coin, between the two RA's, resulted in Forrest-Stump orchestrating the evening's Down-Downs. However, proceedings were somewhat delayed as we had a missing Harriet and a missing Hare out looking for her. As soon as the missing duo had been accounted for, Forrest got proceedings underway.

 

First up was Smellie with the Jester's hat. This would have gone to Wet-Johnny for turning up without a torch. However, Wet-Johnny wasn't present at the On-Down and nor was Pisswell's torch that he'd borrowed. Instead, the award went to Teapot for FRB'ing right at the start. True story. In fact, he was seen running!

 

Next up was Beefy with the Turkish wedding cap. This went to Forrest for getting a blister on one foot...ONE FOOT - obviously. Forrest had spent a glorious Sunday putting in a 14 mile training run for the forthcoming Grizzly. Well done. The other part of Forrest's Grizzly training is laying off the beer. Hence a half pint of water for our athlete.

 

Slip-On me had the horned hat and also had her purse. There was some story about missing buns and yellow-labelled out of date bread from a food bank. The "Happy Shopper" turned out to be Triple Jump who doesn't like beer. Accordingly, a half pint of water for Triple Jump.

 

No more tangible awards to give out so were there any stories? Of course there were. The first story divulged that the reason for the delayed Down-Downs was because Smellie had got lost. So who was to blame? Smellie, who wasn't going to do the Long, or the Hare who encouraged her to go Long? A vote was called for, and Pisswell received the Down-Down for leading Harriets astray.

 

The second story had its origins in the late change of plan regarding the fish and chip shop. A certain Hasher was feeling a tad peckish back in the pub. He enquired at the bar as to the price of a Kit Kat. £1.40 was the reply. "I'm not paying that" and out he trotted to the corner shop, some half mile distant, to procure said Kit Kat. Well, at least Piltdown Man got a free half pint out it. A note for the "Happy Shopper 2".

 

That should have concluded the Down-Downs but, with two teetotallers amongst the evening's culprits, there was a half pint of beer looking for a deserving tummy.

 

ALL THE THREES - for the third week in a row, Smellie was called out. This time for delaying the Down-Downs. Not only had she got lost on the Longs, she'd also been round the Long loop three times before realising that she was still crawling under the same fallen tree that she'd crawled under twice previously. 

 

Now, I must agree that it was an excellent trail and 25% of it was on ground that I've never been on before. Brilliant. Nevertheless, as excellent as the trail undoubtedly was, I wasn't keen enough to go around it three times! 

 

Hence Smellie received the last down Down-Down plus the hat that she'd given away just ten minutes earlier. Surely, with a rap sheet like this, Smellie must be a contender for Pillock of the Year?

 

Lost Property

Smellie again? No.

 

As the last lingerers left the pub a carrier bag was noticed on one of the bar tables. It must belong to a Hasher as it had only been Hashers sitting in that area of the bar. A look inside revealed what looked like a black shoe box. It was very light so it must have been an empty shoe box. A closer look revealed it to be the voting slip box for the Awards Night. Who is the guilty party?

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is at The Saracen's Head, Newton Abbot but we are to circle up in Cricketfield Road car park. Our Hare for the evening is Beeflicker.

 

Now, Beeflicker has laid hashes before but not for Teign Valley. He is a little anxious so he would very much welcome some assistance in laying the trail. If anyone can assist, please post your interest on the TVH3 Facebook page.

 

Finally, food again. The Saracen's Head does not do food but they have said that Hashers are welcome to bring along their own food and eat it in the pub; and take-away alley is just down the road

.

On-On to next week, MP.

 

MONDAY'S MAP

 

TVH3 The Words for 13th February 2023

Forde Social Club, Newton Abbot

Run No. 1956

 

HARES: Soapy, Melonpicker & Palmolive

 

Who wuz there: Soapy, Melonpicker, Palmolive, 'Allo Vera, Wash'n'Go, Shitfaced, Popeye, Popeye's girlfriend, U-Bend, Man-Pig, Archangel, Hotlips, Zoot, Slip-on-Me, Satnav, Ablesemen, Forrest Stump, Woodlend, Warmfront, Amy, Pisswell, Piltdown Man, Smellie, Ernie, Coldtits, Big End, Well Hopped, Roger the Dodger, Teapot, Mouldy Dick, Beeflicker & Triple Jump.

 

The Circle

Can't comment - wasn't there.

 

The Trail

Didn't do it. From the Down-Downs it appears to went through Milber.

 

The Down-Downs

Forrest Stump presided over a throng of hashers, the majority of which had adorned themselves with something red or pink. Forrest started by thanking the Hash for the beer. The Hash? Yes - apparently so.

 

Up first to give away an award was Melonpicker who had the horned hat from a few weeks ago.

 

"Where do you put important items - like your purse?"

 

The correct answer is not on top of your car and leaving them there overnight. This was further compounded by spending most of the next day searching your house from top to bottom looking for the elusive beer tokens that will carry you through the day. The deserving recipient was Slip-on-Me. A note for Soliloquy! (Please concentrate.)

 

Warmfront received a Down-Down but I can't remember from whom or for what reason. I am definitely turning into a doddery old git.

 

Next up was Mouldy. He blew the whistle on a perplexed Smellie for falling over somewhere in Milber. From the look of total bewilderment on Smellie's face this looked like a case of - never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

 

Archangel returned with the Hashshit shirt after a four week leave of absence. The recipient was Woodlend. I think for attempting to strangle his dog.

 

This exhausted the alcoholic down-downs, but a half pint of water remained.

 

Smellie had the last award to assign. Initially, it was going to be self-awarded due to Smellie believing, incorrectly, that she had left the Jester's hat at the Manor Inn last week. It was in her rucksack all along. 

 

Next in line would have been Woodlend for alleged cruelty to animals. But he'd already had his down-down. The ultimate recipient, and justly deserved, was Mouldy Dick. He had encouraged Smellie to start running again as they were approaching the sweetie stop. Thinking that they'd be running together, Smellie duly broke into a canter whilst Mouldy nonchalantly carried on walking. A note for "The Deceiver" as a sense of karma descended upon those gathered.

 

Groundhog Day

Finally, and in a repeat of the previous week, there was an incoming call from Smellie who was already on her way home with Piltdown Man.

 

"Hello. It's Smellie. Have I left a body warmer in the bar?"

 

"Is it blue and made by the The North Face?"

"Yes."

"You certainly have!"

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is at The Silent Whistle, Ashburton. Our Hare for the evening will be Pisswell.

 

On-On to next week and thank you for wearing red or pink. Hopefully, you all had an enjoyable Valentine's Day.

TVH3 The Words for 6th February 2023

by Man-Pig

 

The Manor Inn, Galmpton

 

Run No. 1955

 

HARE: U-Bend

 

Who wuz there: U-Bend, Man-Pig, Threesum, Slip-on-Me, Satnav, Ablesemen, Beefy, Pisswell, Piltdown Man, Smellie, Wet-Johnny, Manopause, Ernie, Strap-On, Strap-Dancer, Fallen Woman, Coldtits, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Teapot & Mouldy Dick (yes - you read it right - Mouldy!).

 

The Circle

No Shitfaced this evening so the Hare, U-Bend, doubled for Shitfaced (hard to believe, but true). Numbers were a little down; perhaps because of the change of venue on Friday night - I do hope that no-one went to the Atmospheric by mistake as they would find it shut on Mondays till 15th April! The road closure on the main road between Paignton Zoo and Churston probably didn't help matters either and, to cap it all, it was rather chilly. 

 

Nevertheless, we had 19 runners/walkers and 1 drinker at the start. However, by the time we had finished the trail the pack comprised:

 

20 runners/walkers

1 hobbler

1 drinker

"How so?" you ask. Read on.

 

U-Bend explained that there was a Long and a Short trail plus the option of two Walkers' trails - a half mile walk or a one and a half mile walk.

 

"Are there any Walkers?"

 

Teapot, now recovered from a bout of covid, and Ablesemen were the only takers for the Walkers' trail(s). The Longs would be about 5 and the Shorts about 4 miles.

 

"Go".

The Trail

 

Misdirections from the Hare in the car park had Man-Pig, Smellie and Pisswell heading towards the windmill on Galmpton Common only to be called back. The rest of the pack were checking it out down Greenway Road. After an early check, we continued down and then up Greenhill Road to the Wakers/Long-Shorts split at the junction with Coombe Lane. The Walkers carried on up Greenway Road and, I assume, turned right down Mill Lane. The Longs and the Shorts turned left and then right onto the uphill track known as Greenway Walk but is, in fact, called Coombe Lane. At it's zenith, there was the first of the two Long/Short splits. The Shorts went right whilst the Longs went left, completing a half mile loop before coming back on themselves and rejoining the Shorts. Accurate marks ensured that even a contraflow system didn't confuse the easily befuddled Longs.

 

I had been a bit tardy at the start and didn't see any lights in front of me on the first Long - not that I'd ever expected to catch up with Beefy and Wet-Johnny. However, crossing open fields I looked back to see two torches some 200 yards behind me. One was definitely Pisswell and the other would probably have been the late arriving Ernie.

 

Back on the Shorts, the trail followed a public footpath downhill. This rejoins Greenway Road just above the Greenway railway tunnel - although you would only know this by looking at a map. The marks were clear and took us down, past Maypole, and right into the Greenway estate - famous for being Agatha Christie's home. At the rear entrance to the estate, I caught up with Threesum, Satnav and Piltdown Man.

 

The trail then took a right across an open field high above the River Dart. Had it been a summer run the view would have been spectacular. Here I caught up with the Hare before the trail entered Down Copse and the track that descends down to Greenway Road again; this time at the entrance to Greenway Tunnel near Greenway Halt on the Paignton to Kingswear steam railway. Arrows took us straight across to follow a public footpath down a steep open field. At the bottom, I could see torchlight and hear Beefy calling. Soon I'd caught up with Coldtits. This was where we had to jump across small stream and exit onto an old track that skirts around the bottom of Brim Hill. This track meets up with Mill Lane - the Walkers' trail - but the Walkers had long since gone.

 

Eventually, the dirt track gives way to tarmac as we headed downhill and to the second, and final Long/Short split at Galmpton Creek. Here I caught up with a hobbling Beefy. A twisted ankle in Down Copse - ouch. Beefy sensibly elected to go Short. To my left, on the other side of the quay, I could see a solitary torch. This was Smellie just about to commence the uphill trek which follows a public footpath across two fields before ending at Stokegabriel Road. A quick "Hello" and "Goodbye" to Smellie as I made my way up to Stokegabriel Road where an arrow had us going right and down Port Hill for a straight run back to the On-Down.

 

At the bottom of Port Hill, I met up, again, with Beefy. At least he was still moving. It wouldn't take long to get cold with the temperature hovering just above zero - but we were almost home.

 

The Down-Downs

Amazingly, and despite lower than usual numbers, three awards were within our midst. Additionally, we had gained Ernie who had arrived late but had completed the trail on his own without issue. This is always the sign of a good lay when a solitary hasher can navigate his way around without too much trauma. We had also gained Coldtits en-route but I am sure that she wasn't present in the Circle.

 

Ladies first. So Piswell stepped up to award the Baby Bat Hat. There was no long story or introduction. The bat (and hat) went flying towards Manopause, very nearly knocking his (3rd) pint over. His misdemeanour? Turning up for the beer and not the trail. A note for the beerfly.

Next up was Beefy. He had the jester's hat and he had a story; the story of a frustrated individual impersonating a disgruntled NHS worker. With overtones reminiscent of Basil Faulty beating his broken down Austin 1100 with a small branch, this Harriet was having a problem of her own. On reaching a gate which would not open she was heard to cry out, "Right. I'm beginning to lose my patients with you now!"

 

A note for the "Non-Doctor" as Smellie took her punishment.

 

The final award was from Man-Pig. It was the Turkish wedding cap. This he simply gave to Beefy on the occasion of the first time that the Pig had overtaken Beefy. In fairness, this feat of athleticism had only been made possible by Beefy having turned his ankle in the woods. There followed a silly little dance by the Pig whilst he lifted his hash shirt to reveal a Scotland RFU T-shirt underneath....and some inane comment about the Calcutta Cup.

 

We were just about to thank the pub for the beer when Teapot stepped in:

 

"Not so fast. We still have an award".

"We do?"

 

Teapot went on to explain that Mouldy Dick was gracing us with his presence because it was his birthday the following day. As per usual, all the right notes in the wrong order. However, we'd run out of beer. The look of disappointment on Mouldy's face was a picture to behold as he downed two thirds of a pint of water.

 

That concluded matters for the evening....or did it? Just as the tail enders were about to leave the ever welcoming Manor Inn, a member of the bar staff handed the Pig a cordless phone.

"Err. What's going on here?" I thought.

 

"Hello. It's Smellie" Have I left the Jester's hat in the pub?"

 

Before we even had the chance to scour the bar area for the missing item of headwear there was:

 

"OK. I've found it!" over the phone. I rather suspect that we have one of the Down-Downs already assigned for next week!

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is at Forde Social Club, Newton Abbot. Our Hares for the evening are Soapy and Melonpicker. As it is the eve before Valentine's Day the Hares ask that we all wear something red or pink.

 

On-On to next week!

DECOYED AT DECOY

 

The Keyberry, Newton Abbot

 

Monday 30th January

 

Run No. 1954

 

HARES: Threesum & Slip-On-Me

 

Who wuz there: Coldtits, Threesum, Slip-on-Me, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Hotlips, Zoot, Cheerio Beerio, Piddler, Fukarewe, Piltdown Man, Georgie Porgy, Smellie, Wet-Johnny, Manopause, Ernie, Tamsin/Miss Inn', Strap-On, Broadshit, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Ablesemen, Satnav, Rise'n' Shine, Mateus Rose (or was it Teararse?), Gaga-4-it, Triple Jump & Bee Flicker - a visitor from South hams Hash.

 

THE CIRCLE

I was running a tad late so missed the early part of the Circle. The first thing that struck me was the number of Harriets in attendance. Was this to be a girl power Hash? Threesome said something about a trail of three parks and if it wasn't long enough you could go round again - BUT, be back by 8.30 for food! There were also voting forms available in the pub afterwards for the Awards Night.

 

THE TRAIL

No UFO's this week but plenty of confusion. We crossed the road from the Keyberry and headed towards Sainsbury's. At the roundabout at the junction of Decoy Road, Kingskerswell Road and St Michael's Road, an arrow had the Longs and the Shorts going across and up Decoy Road.....or did it? A very fast visitor from South hams Hash, Bee Flicker (there's something very dodgy about that name), led the FRB's up Decoy Road. But this was only for a short while as the Hare was calling "On back". How so? We were clearly on trail. Apparently not. The arrow for the Longs and the Shorts was only relevant once we'd been around Decoy Park first! So we looked elsewhere for checks. Eventually, someone found a check that took us behind a row of terraced houses and into Decoy Park.

 

Once in the park, an un-named SCB speculated that the trail would skirt the edge of the playing fields and we'd all end up back at the starting point. BONG! WONG. The trail went into the woods and followed the path that almost circumnavigates Decoy Lake. The misguided SCB spent the next five minutes getting back on trail and catching up with Piltdown Man, Smellie, Cheerio Beerio, Manopause and Big End who had to stop to undertake doggy poo duty.

 

The trail eventually exited onto the edge of the football pitch only to dive back into the woods 50 yards later. Or so we thought. No marks so back out again only to re-enter the woods 100 yards further along.

 

I think marks were found but, suffice it to say, we all ended up on the broad track that forms the southern boundary to Decoy Park. At its junction with Kingskerswell Road, we expected to see marks directing us back towards the pub so that we could start phase 2 of the trail. I stayed on the road and found no marks until I, again, came to the Long and Short arrow at the roundabout. Most of the other hashers were on a parallel course but behind the terrace of houses forming the eastern boundary of Decoy Park.

 

Eventually, we all regathered at the roundabout to commence phase 2 of a Three Park Trilogy. Once again Bee Flicker (it sounds more dodgy every time I type it) led the pack along Decoy Road and then right and up Keyberry Park road. At this juncture, Wet-Johnny was also an FRB with Big End, Well Hopped and Broadshit in hot pursuit.

 

An arrow had us turning left and down Station Road for a short distance before another arrow appeared to direct us into the southeast corner of Forde Park. At the edge of the park there was a blob of flour so we continued diagonally across the park but nothing. A scout around the Coach Road edge of Forde park again found nothing, and a lot of hashers were spread out all across Forde Park.

 

At the far side of the park, we bumped into Rise'n'Shine and Mateus Rose. They were just telling us about marks they'd seen at the bottom of Coach Road when there was a call of "On-On". This was Wet-Johnny callingl from the the southwest corner of Forde Park. At the junction of Coach Road and Church Road was an arrow pointing towards the top of Decoy Road and then what appeared to be the "OH" sign. "On Home" already. Surely not. Once again Hashers spread out in all directions in a fruitless quest for the truth. It was also the last time that we saw Wet-Johnny. Is he still out there on trail?

 

The Pig wandered aimlessly down Decoy Road towards the On-Down looking for the small footpath that would take us back into Decoy Park. On his way down, he bumped into the Hare, Satnav and Ablesemen.

 

"Have you done all three parks already?" enquired Threesum.

"Three? No."

 

Two wine gums later, the others caught up and were as confused as I was. Threesum got out her phone and showed us where we should have gone. None of us had gone anywhere near the railway station so we elected to go round again.

 

For Man-Pig, Broadshit, Ernie, Big End and Well Hopped it must have seemed like Groundhog day. Once again we failed to find any marks in Forde Park until we were almost at the junction between the bottom of Coach Road and the A381. An arrow pointed straight across and along the eastern side of the island that makes up the one way system. We concluded that the marks in Forde Park must have been on the grass along the eastern edge of the park - not on either the paths within the park or on the pavement down Station Road. Anyway, we were on trail, albeit on the Courtenay Park side of Station Road. As we veered left we could clearly see marks on the other side of the road. About 50 yards before the pedestrian crossing, outside the front of the station, we could see a large arrow pointing directly towards us.

 

Try as we might, we could not find any marks on our side of the road nor on any of the footpaths within Courtenay Park. We therefore decided to continue to the Queens Hotel and turn left up Courtenay Park road. Impossible. Still no marks. Then hey presto! An arrow pointing up Church Road. But, before commencing up Church Road, we wanted to know where we went wrong in Courtenay Park. Reverse reconnaissance appeared to reveal that the trail within Courtney Park was a line-of-sight trail which did not follow any of the footpaths within the Park.

 

The marks along Church Road were clear and plentiful but most had been laid on the side of the road without a pavement which was a little perplexing. Nevertheless, as we now knew where we were going, it wasn't long before we arrived back at the "OH" mark that we'd been at some 20 minutes earlier. At least we knew how to get back to the pub from there.

 

THE DOWN-DOWNS

It rather seemed that, for the first time, the Harriets might have outnumbered their male counterparts. It was therefore agreed that Fallen Woman should preside as RA for the evening. Fallen Woman, in turn, invited the Bird to run interference.

 

The first award went to Slip-on-Me for being joint Hare. It was also her birthday on Friday, and she had kindly baked a cake for us. Usually we would have had all the right notes in the wrong order. However, as we were sharing the bar with a few locals the RA decided that, once nominated, all Down-Downs would take place simultaneously.

 

Slip-on-Me had the Turkish wedding helmet from the previous week. This she gave to Man-Pig citing, "Wrong week"; a female euphemism, apparently, for a nosebleed on trail. It was the only time that I've had Harriets fussing over me all wanting to donate tissues - bless you all.

Amidst the usual confusion, Threesum was nominated for a drink but was shrewd enough to swerve the DD by counter nominating the Bird to take the half on her behalf as he had, allegedly, given support to both hares.

 

The last half pint stood friendless and alone on a circular bar table. Were there any stories? Not tonight, Josephine, but a story from a fortnight ago was recalled by GM Shitfaced.

 

Smellie had missed the circle because she was temporarily indisposed powdering her nose inside the Crown and Sceptre. She could hear the circle going on outside but couldn't find the circle! Poor Smellie was unaware that the Crown & Sceptre has a car park which was accessed via the pub's rear entrance. Unaware of the existence of either a rear entrance, or a pub car park, she was outside the front of the pub trying to work out where the Hashers were congregated. Smellie's three weeks of looking after the Baby Bat hat paid off. By using echo location, she eventually located the car park just as the Hare's briefing concluded.

 

POSTSCRIPT

Whilst I was unable to go very far on trail, I still managed to stay with most of the pack throughout my mini excursion. 

 

The usual convention of FRB's detaching themselves from the shorts and walkers just did not happen. Bee Flicker tried in vain to stamp his authority on proceedings but, along with MP and myself, came to a juddering halt after less than a hundred yards when mistaking an arrow for the trail. 

 

Threesum was unperturbed, stating that the arrow only held good the second time around. Ha! That relegated the FRB's to tailenders and score one for the hares in their usually fruitless task of keeping the pack together.

 

There was a light display in the woods as the Trotters thundered towards us. On the playing fields, clusters of headtorches kept veering towards me as hashers sought enlightenment [sic] and a jolly time was had by all.

 

I was concerned about Man-Pig when I encountered him close to the Keyberry. He was trying to staunch the blood from a nose bleed. He had already completed an eight mile training run earlier in the day, and I was worried if he might have overdone things. Not a bit of it, after stemming the blood, he was back on the trail of the lonesome pine, ready to join battle once more.

 

There was many an adventure for hashers out in their three park tour, and it was something different with hashers having to use their experience (and brains} to get round.

Man-Pig and I know the effort and dedication needed to go out and lay a trail, so well done Threesum and Slip on Me on their triple Park Run. I really wish I could have done it. Bravo!

 

NEXT WEEK

Next week's Hash is at The Atmospheric Railway Inn, Starcross, with Hare U Bend.

 

On-On to next week!