TVH3 The Words for 15th May 2023

The Corner Flag, Devon FA, Newton Abbot

 

Run. No. 1969

 

HARE: Wet Johnny

 

Above: Facebook header of the mystery hasher on trail which turned out to be Archangel, wandering lonely as a cloud.
 

 

Who wuz there: Wet-Johnny, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Archangel, Beefy, Piltdown Man, Georgie Porgy, Smellie, U-Bend, Beeflicker, Slip-on-Me, Coldtits, Big End, Ned, Well Hopped, Wet Johnny's son - Gianluca, Erection, Small Erection - Harry, or was it Mason? Ablesemen, Satnav, Triple Jump, Ernie, Fukarewe, Screwed & Bella (welcome back) and, finally, AH3 visitor Total Recoil.

 

Circle

What a beautiful evening following a glorious weekend, although a tad windy. Those that did turn out all had smiles on their faces in recognition that spring had arrived at last. This was a new venue for us. Most of us had no idea that the Devon FA's bar, The Corner Flag, is not a members only bar. It is, effectively, a public house, but, obviously, with a focus on soccer.

 

Being a new venue, parking perplexed some easily perplexed hashers. Ernie thought that the car parking spaces were too small so parked his new Audi (selected by Mrs Ernie) so as to take up two spaces. U-Bend's van was too high to park in the main car park, so he initially parked it in the overflow car park. However, this had a pair of green iron gates at its entrance. "I wonder if they lock them at night?" contemplated our running plumber. "B******s. I'll move it somewhere else", which he promptly did. Cold Tits didn't make it to the car park, preferring to park at the top by the Clubhouse and Archangel didn't park anywhere as he was late.

 

So, what had the Hare to offer in addition to the new venue? A Walkers', Shorts' and Longs' trail, the latter being approximately 5 or 6 miles.

 

The Trail

The first part of the trail was in town with the first Long/Short split at the entrance to the Devon FA. Longs to the right and the Walkers and Shorts to the left.

 

The Shorts and Walkers went left along Coach Road and then right and up Penshurst Road before crossing College Road and climbing the steps on the footpath that climbs up to join South Road. The Longs took the long way round to the same spot. The Longs then went right down Coach Road, and then looped up and left heading west along College Road to join with the Walkers and the Shorts for the footpath from College Road to South Road.

 

Unsurprisingly, Beeflicker was miles ahead but so were the youngsters - Small erection and Wet Johnny's son, Gianluca. Next in line on the Longs were Man-Pig and the visiting Total Recoil paying us a visit from Ashburton Hash. Total Recoil has been injured since August but he wasn't showing any signs of it.

 

On the footpath, we caught up with Coldtits, Smellie, Screwed and Bella. At South Road, an arrow had us going right and then left up another footpath. This is at the highest point in Newton Abbot and boundaries the edge of the site of the former Wolborough Hill school - now a posh housing estate with lovely views. Total Recoil informed me that his dad used to attend Wolborough Hill school and I used to play rugby against them when I was at Buckfast Abbey school - but I digress.

 

This footpath leads onto Courtenay Road that encircles the northern half of Wolborough Hill. An arrow took us straight across Courtenay Road and a little way down Powderham Road before leading us onto the footpath below Highwood Grange. This footpath arcs around to Wolborough Church.

 

In the distance, we caught a glimpse of a Small Erection and Gianluca.....a long way ahead. At Wolborough Church, an early sweetie stop. This was so as to make sure that, this week, the Walkers didn't miss out on the sweeties. Very thoughtful W-J.

 

Refeshed, it was carry on west along Coach Road for a short while before dropping down Old Coach Road and crossing the A381 and the footpath that drops onto Bunting Close. At this point, we managed to overtake Gianluca and Small Erection. But this was only because they'd stopped due to Small Erection having a stitch.

 

The trail rejoined Totnes Road (A381) just before Ogwell Road. An arrow had us cross Totnes Road at the cemetery and head up Old Totnes Road towards Abbotskerswell. Total Recoil commented on how good the marks were. I agreed.

 

Near the top of Old Totnes Road, there was a Long/Short split. The Shorts were going off road and left across two fields that would bring them out at the sweetie stop once more. The Longs' trail was market right and, initially up and then down Firestone Lane. This took us into Abbotskerswell. At the junction with Manor Road, there was a kicked-out check. Excellent. Beeflicker was doing his job.

 

Pacewise, Total Recoil and I were well matched. I was a little surprised that Well Hopped and Big End weren't with us. It later transpired that they'd elected to go Short. A combination of a tiring weekend for Well Hopped in Wales and a tiring weekend at the bar for Big End........well, what are weekends for? I think about ten Hashers eventually made it to some elements of Saturday's Newton Abbot pub crawl and curry. This was hastily organised courtesy of Hotlips as a substitute for the Ale Rail outing as a result of the rail strike.

 

The Longs trail continued along Manor Road until its junction with Priory Road. This was the only point at which we spied Beeflicker doing a bit of checking out. The trail bore left and up Priory Road before an arrow had us crossing the most deeply ploughed field that I have ever come across. Thankfully, it was dry but, from the tyre marks, you could tell that this has been ploughed by a Ford Country or some such tractor sporting four enormous tyres. 

 

Once out of the ankle breaker, it was past the solitary, and inaccessible, barn (reminds me a bit of Father Ted's abode on Craggy island).

 

The trail followed the footpath into the south east corner of Decoy Copse where there should have been a check - but there was none. A fool's errand down the track towards Keyberry had us encounter two dots and a cross. Our only bit of off trail in the evening. 

 

Backtracking, we got back on trail and looped around towards Decoy Lake and another Long/Short split. Once again we passed Smellie, Screwed and Bella.

 

Again we headed towards the lake but we were also heading towards the sound of shouting, "What the f**k?" from the bushes. Had we disturbed an amorous encounter? Were youngsters comparing tattoos? We didn't stop to find out. It wasn't long before we were swinging left and then right onto a narrow footpath that exits onto the edge of the Devon FA playing fields and the "On-Home" sign. For the third time, we had caught up with Smellie just as we entered the car park.

 

A fast little run out. 5.51 miles on the Long. Now for a beer.

 

Down-Downs

The Corner Flag had a surprisingly good selection of beers and ciders - both bottled and draught. I elected to go for the Shipyard ale which is an American IPA; just the job. Once everyone had arrived back and had eaten, it was over to the RA for the Down-Downs. Man-Pig thanked the pub for the beer and the venue and additionally thanked Martin for cooking the scoff.

 

Again, in the absence of Bluebird, only one tangible award was available again this week. Once again, the Bacardi Hat was on the look out for a deserving (or even undeserving) miscreant. 

 

Ablesemen had a story about the Hare recruiting a cow onto the Hash and then ushering it into someone's front garden to chew on the chrysanthemums. Wet-Johnny was called out for being both Hare and for recruiting cows. A note for the bovine lover.

 

Next was the issue of lost property. An item had been found in the car park. Had anyone lost anything? The RA then pulled a £20 note from his pocket. "No not this. That's mine". Another rummage in the same pocket produced a bar coded ID tag.....with a name on it, "Peter Exon". Would U-Bend please come forward and reclaim his lost property? 

 

Now, I wasn't wearing my glasses but I am sure that this tag was a Medical Alert tag to warn third parties of U-Bend's herpes. U-Bend maintained that it wasn't. It was, in fact, a Park Run ID. A note for "The Lost One".

 

Who was going to have the penultimate half? Ernie had a story from about 3 years ago. Yes, really. This concerned Newton Abbot's female night workers. Apparently, Ernie and Fukarewe were off trail and running around the back of Newton Abbot racecourse. In the course of their wanderings, they came across two well endowed young ladies of the night. 

 

"Do you come here often?" asked one. Ernie was stupefied to recognise the temptress as none other than our very own Ablesemen! A second job perchance? Crikey, the cost of living crisis hadn't even started then! "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy" seemed rather appropriate.

 

Now, Well Hopped and Big End are both young and fit so it came as a surprise that they hadn't been seen on the Long. This was because neither had been on the Long. Were they injured? No. Just tired. Well Hopped had just spent a long weekend with a friend in Wales and she was tired. Had Big End been in Wales too? No. So what's his excuse? Some paltry excuse about too much cider at Sandford cricket club. A note for "The Lazy One".

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is at Holne village hall with Hare Pisswell. Bring coins, NOT £20 notes, for your beer and scoff.

 

On-On to next week, MP.

PUDDLES AND SPLASHES GALORE!

TVH3 The Words for 8th May 2023

 

Two Mile Oak, Ipplepen

 

Run. No. 1968

 

HARES: Only Here for the Beer & Shitfaced

 

 

Who wuz there: OHFB, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Arkangel (pub only), Beefy, Pisswell, Piltdown Man, Smellie, Beeflicker, Slip-on-Me, Big End, Ned, Well Hopped, Wet Johnny, Erection, Able Semen, Ernie & visiting virgin - Anna from London.

 

Circle

Well, what a change from last week! A damp coronation bank holiday weekend conspired to keep numbers low. Although, given the weather, a turnout of 17 was, really, very acceptable.

It has been a long, long time since we last ran from the Two Mile Oak. Over twenty years ago according to Able Semen. The Two Mile Oak has a very large car park. The last time that I was here was to watch a music festival with Bobbiball; one of the acts?......The Out of Tunas.

Having such a large car park I thought that parking would be easy. How wrong I was. It was nearly full. OHFB explained that this was because it is now one of the very few pubs in the area that does food and remains open on a Monday night.

 

We circled up in reasonably heavy rain with a brisk breeze as Shitfaced welcomed us to the Two Mile Oak (TMO). Shitfaced first welcomed Anna. Anna is from London and taking a break in Devon. She had never hashed before. What was she going to make of a wet run in Devon and the bunch of oddballs that comprise TVH3?

 

Then came the most alarming bit. Shitfaced said that the Hash would normally anoint newcomers with a liberal dosing of flour - but they hadn't got any. Crikey, what on earth had they laid the trail with? Had they laid a trail at all? Had the trail been washed away? We would have to wait and see.

 

Poor Smellie really did look like a drowned cat with her cat hat on.....and we hadn't even started the run. Nevertheless, she advised that we were OK for Hares. Over to OHFB and Shitfaced for details of the trail:

 

"Yes. It has been laid - and in flour. If it's still there? Walkers about two and a half. Shorts' about four and Longs' six".

 

"Really?" I thought to myself.

 

Shitfaced went on to say, "When you come to the puddle, just keep going", with a particularly wry smile on his face. What could could he be insinuating?

 

The Trail

The weather was pretty poor and the doubting Thomas in me kicked in. I wasn't expecting great things, especially as I had bumped into OHFB in the Park Inn on Saturday. Yes, he had a plan for the trail but it would involve a lot of road. I told him not to worry. We would all be thankful for any trail given the forecast.

 

How mistaken I was! The Hares had laid a great trail and, despite the rain, virtually all marks were intact on a clearly laid trail. Did I say, "Clearly laid trail?". The FRB's thought that the trail was clearly marked. Beeflicker only got off trail once. Running straight across the OH sign he decided to go around the trail again. He only stopped when he ran past the wooden horse for the second time.

 

Man-Pig, Big End, Ned and Well Hopped stayed together on the way round and had no problems with the marks. We even caught a glimpse of principle FRB, Beeflicker, in the far distance at one point.

 

However, not everyone followed the marks as assiduously as the FRBs. Or, maybe they did, just not the same marks. At the Circle, Shitfaced did mention that Haldon Hash were running from Denbury. However, it was impossible to confuse the two trails as their trail was laid in sawdust and TVH's was exclusively flour.

 

Impossible? Believe me, nothing is impossible for a Hasher. And so it was that we had the latest Down-Downs in living memory* - they commenced at 9.45 when the last of the lost/diverted hashers reached the On-Down.

 

What had happened? Well, one - very late - hasher had bumped into Fallen Woman who was doing the Haldon Hash trail. Fallen Woman had promised this particular Harriet great things on the Haldon trail,including a free beer stop. So this Harriet abandoned our virgin visitor, Anna from London, and merrily followed Fallen Woman to the Haldon beer stop. It must have been some beer stop as this Harriet didn't make it back to the pub till 9.45!

 

Meanwhile, back in the pub, it transpired that quite a few Hashers had been in Denbury open prison. Not literally, but they had run through the car park and the public footpath that exits at the eastern end of Denbury. Maybe this was part of the Shorts' trail but it certainly wasn't part of the Longs'. Latecomers included Ernie and virgin visitor, Anna. They arrived back at the pub at 9.20 and, additionally, Beefy was even later. In fact, the latecomers were so late that Piltdown Man kindly went on a recce to look for them.

 

What had gone wrong with Beefy? A footwear malfunction apparently. Beefy is still recovering from a badly sprained ankle. It is on the mend so he is happy to walk the Longs, but in hiking boots. These hiking boots are nice and sturdy. They support the ankle well and, crucially, they are waterproof. Therein lies the folly. Things that keep the water out are also very good at keeping the water in. And so it proved to be when the trail took us through nearly 2 feet of water on a flooded farm track. Now, 24 inches of water doesn't work too well with 6 inch high hiking boots. The net result was that Beefy had a very slow and squidgy walk around the Longs as each of his boots now weighed at least 10 pounds. He said that he felt like a deep sea diver minus his Siebe Gorman copper helmet.

 

OHFB was right about a lot of road but this was more than outweighed by the swimming; literally in the case of Ned who couldn't touch the bottom and resorted to doggy paddle at the first, and deepest, puddle. Shitfaced had fibbed. He had only mentioned a single puddle in the pre run spiel - not the twenty or so that we encountered over the 6 mile long.

 

The actual trail turned right out of the pub car park and then right again at the first crossroads (Dornafield Cross). We passed what must be an equestrian centre on our right as it had a half size carved horse in front of the entrance.

 

We passed through a dog-leg at Rydon Farm. This I recognised from a trail that we did about a year ago - Tamsin's virgin lay. However, this year we were doing it in reverse.

 

At the next crossroads (Rydon Cross) we came to the first of two Long/Short splits. The Shorts carried straight on towards Stubbins Cross whilst the Longs' went right and then left towards East Ogwell.

 

On the Longs' trail we passed Ogwell Grange. This is a lovely old building with ornate stone chimneys. The Longs' dropped down into East Ogwell following clear marks - surprisingly almost unaffected by the rain.

 

By East Ogwell church, an arrow had us bearing left and heading uphill to where Bluebird had collapsed into a hedge on Tamsin's trail last year. Oh why, oh why, did Swinger and Matt rescue him?

 

We arrived at Stubbins Cross but no sign of the Shorts. However, we did find an arrow pointing right and down a particularly damp farm track towards West Ogwell Cross. However, as so many of the Shorts had said that they passed through Channings Wood car park, I wonder if the Shorts had, accidentally, followed the left fork of the farm track that leads to the prison car park?

 

It wasn't long before we found out why Shitfaced had a wry smile on his face. PUDDLE? My a**e. It was a lake! At its deepest, is must have been pushing 18 inches deep. There was no way around it. You had to go through it. Poor Ned had to doggy paddle yet again to get past the watery obstacle. But this was only to encounter another four "puddles" before we hit tarmac again.

 

At West Ogwell Cross, an arrow had us skirting the edge of HMP Channings Wood, past the bluebell carpeted Oxenham Woods, on our way towards Denbury Sports fields and Start Cross.

At Start Cross, it was left and uphill into the middle of Denbury arriving at the crossroads with a public water trough at its centre. Another arrow. This time left and towards the Union Inn. The marks were still good but had changed from right to left. Had we missed something? A quick check confirmed that we were on trail as we followed the marks to Newton Cross and thence onto Ipplepen Cross. The latter proved to be the location of the second Long/Short split with the Longs bearing right and down to Denbury Cross....and more puddles! Although these were on tarmac and not nearly as deep as those on the farm tracks.

 

At Denbury Cross, it was left and past Ipplepen football fields until arriving at a second crossroads sharing the name Dornafield Cross (how many of them are there?). It was left again and up Dornafield Lane as we completed three sides of a square to arrive back at the first junction of the outward trail and, inevitably, the OH sign.

 

6.46 of your English country miles - amazingly undertaken substantially in the dry as the rain stopped only ten minutes into the trail.

 

Down-Downs

Judging by the number of cars in the car park, when we arrived, I surmised that a lot of non-Hashers would be eating inside the pub. We certainly didn't want to alienate the landlady on our first visit after an absence of some twenty years, so I was preparing to execute the Down-Downs outside. I needn't have worried. By the time it came to do the Down-Downs all non-hashers hard eaten up and left the pub. 

 

Debbie, the landlady, was very welcoming. She had laid on sausage, beans and mash for the Hash in addition to providing the Down-Down beers. And when it came to doing the Down-Downs she said that we could make as much noise as we wanted. The only non-Hasher at the bar was Matt. We had been chatting about bikes and the TMO music festival where he had been DJ, MC and one of the acts - and yes, he did recall The Out of Tunas!

 

In the absence of Forrest-Stump, Man-Pig assumed the RA'ing duties. We thanked the pub for the beer, the scoff, the parking and the weather!

 

Awards were going to be thin on the ground as the absent Bluebird had rather monopolised them last week. Nevertheless, Ernie was present and he had the Bacardi hat. Inevitably, this had to go to the last person back who had just walked in the door at 9.45pm. It was Pisswell who had had a rather jolly time on the Haldon Hash! A note for "The diverted one".

 

That was the only award present but were there any stories? Beeflicker had one. He had come across a rather bedraggled cat in the form of Smellie where the Shorts and Longs temporarily rejoined at Denbury Green. Smellie was highly unimpressed. A four way junction and no marks. No marks apart from an enormous flour arrow. A note for the "Bedraggled One".

 

Another story? Yes. Shitfaced recounted the sorry tale of a thirsty hasher who had forgotten his purse. Never mind. Wet-Johnny will buy me a drink. Wet-Johnny is at the bar. He gets himself a drink, acknowledges that Erection wants a drink and says, "I'll be right back". With this, Wet-Johnny goes over to join Big End and Well-Hopped for the next twenty minutes! Who should get the Down-Down? Wet-Johnny, Erection or Big End? Shouts for Big End and a note for "The tempter".

 

It was a surprisingly good trail and from a new venue that looked after us very well (we will, undoubtedly, be back). Hence the last half pint of Otter went to a thoroughly deserving OHFB. A note for "The Lying Toad" as he professed to have laid the trail on foot. What poppycock!

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is from the Corner Flag, Coach Road, Newton Abbot with Hare Wet Johnny.

 

On-On to next week.

 

* The latest Down-Down was at Riverford Farm (I think an Ashburton Hash). This was a post 10pm Down-Down as Doris had got off trail big time. She had, somehow, found herself in Ashburton. Nevertheless, she had found a pub that served Guinness and convinced the Landlord to stand her a pint and, could she use the pub's phone to phone Rambo to come and get her and pay for her pint? Accordingly, a jolly late Down-Down.

TVH3 The Words for 1st May 2023

The Thatched Tavern, Maidencombe

 

Hidden Devon & Bluebird's "75th" birthday Hash

 

Run. No. 1967

 

HARES: Bluebird & Man-Pig

 

 

Who wuz there: Bluebird, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Teapot, Forrest Stump, Perry, Wetfart, Beefy, Pisswell, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Beeflicker, Slip-on-Me, Well Hopped, Roger the Dodger, Cold Tits, Broadshit, Wet Johnny, Erection, Piddler, Satnav & Bobbiball (cycled over from Paignton!).

 

Circle

A beautiful 1st May - or Beltane - greeted 21 Hashers to The Thatched Tavern. GM Shitfaced welcomed all in the briefest of welcomes. Over to Hare raiser Smellie. "We're OK for Hares till mid summer". Well, that was brief as well. Over to the Hare. Bluebird said "Man-Pig will explain everything". Over to Man-Pig:

 

"It's not very long. There is a Long/Short split. Those on the Long, wait for me at the re-group as I will lay a live trail from there to "Hidden Devon" - but, beware. The ropes are over 10 years old. Do not rely on them too heavily".

 

Piddler asks, "How long is the Long?"

 

"2.64 miles", lies Bluebird.

 

"Is there a Walkers' trail" requests Wetfart.

 

"No. Just do the Longs' slowly", replies Man-Pig. "On-On is back up Steep Hill".

 

The Trail

This week there were no experiments and no bad weather. Just an old fashioned Hash with conventional marks - or an absence thereof? The trail was really very simple. Out to Labrador Bay car park on the upper part of the Southwest Coastal Path and a return to the pub via the lower coastal path.

 

The weather was kind. The skies were blue. The bluebells were out and the views were stunning. 

 

Being Beltane, Beefy elected to do the trail carrying a Ram's skull which he photographed at various backdrops along the route. 

 

In fact, quite a few Hashers were taking photos on trail. Spring is well and truly here. Smellie explained that pagans consider Beltane to be a religious holiday as it marks the beginning of growth and fertility. It also marked the ability to get back to the pub at 9.15 without using a torch.

 

As instructed, the Longs had waited at the regroup for the last of the Longs to arrive. These comprised Man-Pig, Beefy and Forrest Stump. The live trail was fairly short as Man-Pig had laid a trail below Labrador Bay car park, and then down the lower path that would eventually take you to Shaldon.

 

Then, suddenly, the Pig stopped - only to be crashed into by Beeflicker. Almost unnoticed on the right hand side of the path is a piece of grassless earth and a small gap in the hedge. Peering through the gap reveals a hidden and inaccessible wooded valley.

 

Did I say inaccessible? Take a harder look.....at your shoelaces. No. Not literally. But gazing footward one could see a rope descending a steep, worn escarpment. Yes, it was steep but just about manageable without a rope. The rope, however, was a welcome asset - even if it was at least 10 years old!

 

The Pig explained that this would be an out and back trail with no marks. Have a look around the valley and, if you dare, there is another series of ropes that will take you down onto the coastal stretch known as Rock Flats.

 

The Pig didn't really think that anyone would attempt the dodgy descent to the Rock Flats.

 

Another decidedly hazardous and near vertical descent we did was a decade ago. On that occasion (another Bluebird birthday trail) Hatrack picked us up in his coach from Maidencombe Cross and deposited us at The Ness car park in Shaldon. It was low tide and the trail took us along the coast; negotiating eight coves; clambering over the boulder fields and the razor sharp worn sandstone rocks. That trail ended up with us ascending several ropes from Border cove up to the lower coast path. I remember that trail well because my Garmin recorded an average speed of 1.94 miles per hour!

 

Well, I guess Hashers like a challenge. I got to the bottom of the first descent and everyone had disappeared! Where on earth had they gone? 

 

They'd all made a beeline for the descent to the Rock Flats. This involved another four ropes and, in truth, wasn't as difficult as the first descent. After the coastal exploration, it was back up and a trip to the "Hovel" where some industrious chappie has created a little abode for himself.

 

 

 

It is basically a dug-out but this one has a sink, a proper front door, glass windows, recesses cut out in the wall for candles, and an attempt has been made to render the internal walls with naturally occurring clay. It was fantastically rustic and all rather ethereal.

 

Time was pushing on and most of the Longs were already making their way back. Last to leave the Hidden Valley were Beeflicker, Pisswell and Man-Pig. 

 

We returned to Maidencombe via the lower path. This had not been marked until it joined up with the Shorts' return trail. The light was fading but not dangerously so. Man-Pig and Pisswell got back to the car park at 9.15. Not quite dark and quite manageable without a torch.

 

All-in-all, quite a mini adventure. Well done to Forrest for whom six roped descents and ascents posed little impediment. But most thanks must go to Bluebird for sharing one of south Devon's best kept secrets with the Hash. We hope that you enjoyed it.

 

Down-Downs

The original plan had been for a bamboo effigy of the Beltane Man to have been burnt on the beach but Ziggy (our Green Man) hadn't quite finished constructing the bamboo man so this will have to wait till next year. 

 

As a substitute, Bluebird had invited his shanty group Out of Tunas' to join with him in the pub and to sing their particular style of birthday wishes.

 

Forrest Stump assumed RA'ing for the evening. The first order of service was the Hash singing all the right notes, not necessarily in the right order, and Bluebird was duly awarded his birthday Down-Down.

 

Forrest asked if there were any awards from last week? There was only one present. But there should have been two.

 

Piddler had the Bacardi hat from last week and he had been on the Longs but was not back in the pub. He had been seen backtracking the outward Longs' trail after the visit to the Hidden Valley. We assumed that he had simply gone home straight after the run.

 

The only other award was the Hashshit shirt. Man-Pig had this from the previous week and he was going to give it to Piddler. However, there was a story to tell.

 

Today was Bluebird's big birthday.....or was it? Bluebird had gone to great lengths badgering Smellie to secure this date for his "Big Birthday".....75. However, when laying the trail earlier that day, Bluebird said to me, "Man-Pig. I've got a confession to make. I've made a mistake. It's not my big birthday till next year!" Whatamistakatomaka!

 

Accordingly, the Pillock shirt to the Pillock who can't remember his date of birth and another Down-Down. A song about Old MacDonald and tourettes.

 

Forrest asked if there were any more awards. There were none so Bluebird got a Down-Down for being Hare. He was now neck and neck with Smellie for three Down-Downs in a single evening....thankfully we moved on to half pints about 7 years ago.

 

The last half pint of beer was still to be awarded. Forrest asked, "Who saw the On Home sign two miles from the pub....and on a 2.64 mile trail?" You guessed it. The final half of ale went to Bluebird again. A Hash record. 

 

All Down-Downs to the same recipient.

 

Forrest thanked the pub for the parking and the chips. 

 

Bluebird, not wishing to take advantage of the generosity of the pub, had bought the four halves of beer - which he then downed! Hoorah!

 

The evening finished off with the Out of Tunas' singing a sea shanty about a girl and lost love.....we've all been there.

 

On leaving the pub, Bluebird turned to me and said, "Thankyou Man-Pig. I've had the most wonderful of days". It was touching and perhaps a little misplaced. I think it was the Hash that had had the most pleasant of evenings. 

Enjoy your birthday my friend.

 

Postscript by BB

A wonderful day and one I will fondly remember. I had Thomas Cooked the day last year when the error was made and I had naturally added a year in my mind.. All rather embarrassing but I'll have to stick with it as the pub won't put up with another BIG birthday next year!

 

Man-Pig and I had the very best of the weather on the lay. The hidden valley was magical and, who knows, but we may well be returning again sooner than you think..

 

Unfortunately, I am still most unfit after being three months out with injury and it wasn't possible for me to help MP lay the trail. I had gone out on Sunday for a recce and got very tired carrying half a sack of cat litter and the marks,, shades of MP the week before, got eroded by some hefty showers.

 

I did, however, help a bit on Monday afternoon by driving him out to Labrador Bay car park, dropping him off and then driving back home to wait for him to get back! That's what friends are for, sometimes. Yet again, Man-Pig saved the day. 

 

Thank you all for coming along and making the evening. I was overjoyed to see Bobby in the pub. He had cycled over from Paignton especially. I was also surprised to see five of our Out of Tunas (fifteen strong at gigs) drop by to join in the fun.

 

What a great day. Thank you everybody who made it so.

 

Not forgetting to thank MP for the bottle of Jura!

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is at Two Mile Oak with Hare, Only Here for the Beer.

 

On-On to next week.

A SHAKESPEAREAN TRAGEDY 'ALAS, UNDONE BY TEN TEMPESTUOUS MINUTES'

TVH3 The Words for 24th April 2023

 

The Lord Nelson, Kingskerswell

 

Run. No. 1966

 

HARE & HERO: Man-Pig

 

Prologue by BB

Woeful words will follow, but I feel I must add a few of my own in support of one of the mainstays of our hash. 

 

Whenever there is need of a hare to fill a gap in the diary, he is there to volunteer. The 'filling crew' of our Grand Master and in months past, myself, are there to plug the holes and keep the good ship TVH afloat.

 

Originally planning another epic trail of marathon proportion, Man-Pig learnt on Sunday evening that I would be unable to co-hare. Even in the face of this setback, he refused to scale back his grand design, and set off on a sunny Monday morning to lay all the trails solo. The GM is still incapacitated - but was valiant enough to try to assist and was waiting at the Park Inn to rendezvous with MP at 1 pm only to find that the trail was done.

 

I was greatly surprised and, ultimately, distraught to receive a plaintive email from Man-Pig on Tuesday morning. He was most unhappy that he had spoilt the evening for hashers by losing his temper on trail.

 

What he failed to realize was that hashers were worried about him and had enjoyed the trail, even in the absence of washed out marks. Ask Beefy, he'll tell you.

 

Thankfully, and befitting of her status, Fallen Woman paid tribute to Man-Pig for his dedication and service to the hash. Well said.

 

If Piddler - a gentleman, despite his trademark complaints, and done as a leg-pull as most realize, had known the travails of the lone hare, he might have had second thoughts.

I'll stop now, but just think on, Man-Pig must have covered nigh on twenty miles on Monday, uncomplaining and, all for the love of our hash.

 

We thank you.

 

The players: Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Hotlips, Zoot & friend (returnee), Cheerio Beerio, Only Here for the Beer (literally), Soapy, Melonpicker, Broken Man, Fallen Woman, Teapot, Wetfart, Beefy, Pisswell, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Horny, Pork Torpedo, Beeflicker, Slip-on-Me, Ernie, U-Bend, Wetfart, Fukarewe, Cold Tits, Piddler, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Rise 'n' Shine, Mateus Rose & Satnav.

 

Circle

The weather had turned decidedly chilly as we circled up outside the Lord Nelson. Shitfaced welcomed all including a friend of Zoot and Hotlips who is a returnee. I am afraid that I didn't get her name. It was also good to see Teapot back from his recent operation and looking rather well.

 

As it was run 1966, Shitfaced asked what happened in 1966? Apparently, England won a football match and hasn't done anything since. Hotlips promoted the forthcoming Ale Train trip on 13 May - departing from Newton Abbot railway station at around 10.35 (check Hash FB page for exact time).

 

In a similar vein, Piltdown Man promoted a planes, trains and automobiles type run/pub crawl from the Paignton/Brixham area on 12 July.

 

Then it was over to the Hare. Man-Pig explained that Bluebird's Mum had been very poorly the previous night and, therefore, MP had taken it upon himself to lay the trail solo earlier in the day.

 

As such, the trail would be a bit of an experiment. There would be no checks. Instead, at road junctions and forks in pathways (the places that you'd normally expect to see a check) the next dot would only be some 15 to 30 yards away. There would be very few crosses and no deliberate false trails.

 

The idea behind this was simple. It was to make the Hash a little more involving by affording all Hashers the opportunity to do a bit of checking. Otherwise the vast majority of the pack would arrive at checks kicked out by the FRB's. Basically, "If you see a dot, you're On".

Yes, there was a Walkers', Shorts' and a Longs' trail of circa 3, 5 & 6 miles respectively - all clearly marked (at least they were at 9am). A tried and often repeated hashers' motto: What could possible go wrong?

 

The melodrama unfolds

Well, who gives a flying where we went? Everyone got back; albeit many having done their own thing, been off trail or simply failing to see any marks at all. In fairness, this was not helped by the Pig failing to remove a clear mark from last week's AshHash. This had at least Coldtits and Fukarewe embarking on a fool's errand up to Moles Lane only to find two arrows directing them back down again. This was entirely my error and my apologies to all who fell foul of my mistakamada.

 

A court of inquiry was convened. Things looked poor from the start. The Pig had given clear instructions that the trail went straight down through the village. Yet this didn't deter some from checking for marks down Water Lane. The pace was decidedly lackadaisical as the pack strung out, nearly all walking, as we crawled down Fore Street. My experiment was already falling flat on its face as the pack proceeded at a snail's pace down Rose Hill across Kingskerswell Road overbid (as named by Network rail). Some were checking, incorrectly, towards Whitpot Mill and had to be called back.

 

Less than 400 yards and it was already going belly up. It very soon became apparent that my "clear marks" were not very clear at all and Hashers were struggling to see them.

I had finished laying the trail at 12.30, just in time to meet with Shitfaced at 1pm to tell him that I had already laid all of the trail. 

 

At 1.15pm there was very heavy hail and rain. It only lasted ten minutes so I had no reason to consider that it might have completely decimated a brand new trail. How wrong I was. As far as I was concerned, I had laid a decent trail and I could now get on with other things in the afternoon.

 

Well, in 39 years of hashing, I have never seen so much erosion of marks in such a short time. Some marks just weren't there; others barely visible. What was I to do? Stay at the back of the pack, sweeping to make sure no-one got lost or race ahead and try and re-lay as much of the trail as possible? Effectively laying a live trail. I ended up doing a bit of both.

 

It was so frustrating. I had put a lot of thought and effort into both planning and laying the trail. Now it was all in ruins. I had run my proposed trail on Saturday morning. Those who follow me on Strava will know that it was 8.8 miles. This was too long for a hash so, when setting the trail on Monday morning, I simply removed the loop to Marldon. This would have reduced the Long's trail to a more manageable 6 miles.....if anyone could discern the heavily obscured Long/Short split which nobody did (in fairness, after having remarked this split, Beefy did embark on a solo journey around this part of the trail but I think he was the only one).

 

Even before the frustration of the washed out marks, I had done my best to give Hashers a slightly different route than they might expect for a Kingskerswell Hash. This meant that a lot of the trail ran very close to other parts of the trail. The marks would have to be very good so as to avoid inadvertent short cuts. For this reason, I thought that it would be best for me to lay the trail solo. 

 

Bluebird could stay in and look after his Mum and Shitfaced wouldn't have to worry himself about conjuring up a trail on the hoof when we met at 1pm. Indeed, had it not rained so heavily, I think I that the trail would have achieved its goals.

 

The simple truth of the matter is that we Hash too frequently from Kingskerswell. All the trails and tracks have been hashed out and it is becoming increasingly difficult to give Hashers something different from the same venue.

 

I do recall a time, perhaps 20 years ago, when Teign Valley very rarely ran from the same pub more than once or twice a year. The only exception being the Teign House Inn; and even then I am sure that we never ran there more than four times in any one year. 

 

Certainly, in recent times, the number of different pubs that we have run from throughout the year has dropped. This has not been helped by the trend of many pubs not opening on a Monday night. Accordingly, venues and trails run the risk of being overused. Nevertheless, I gave it my best shot to give Hashers something new(ish) even though it did not go as planned.

 

Accordingly, after 400 yards, I really couldn't put up with Piddler's incessant moaning about the absence of marks. I know that the Hash is all about chilling out and leg pulling. But all I saw in front of me was a 6 mile damage limitation exercise. I had a complete sense of humour failure, threw the container of flour at Piddler and said, "You lay the f*****g trail then!" This was not personal. It could have been a criticism from anyone and my reaction would have been the same. I was just vexed that a job that I thought that I had done so well had turned out to be the proverbial crock of ****.

 

Accordingly, my sincere apologies to Piddler and to all Hashers. I consider you my friends. This is your chill out time and chill out time is so very precious to us all.

As soon as I entered the pub, I could tell that everyone was aware that Man-Pig was not a happy bunny. So, my apologies to you all.....my frustration rather put a dampener on your evening. It most certainly wasn't intended.

 

Down-Downs

Fortunately, by the time I arrived at the Lord Nelson Fallen Woman had assumed the mantle of RA for the evening. This was a good call as I really wasn't Mr. Happy. Fallen Woman commenced by thanking the pub for the beer and for laying on the Ploughman's lunch. She then went on to thank the Hare for his unstinting dedication to the Hash. Thankyou. 

 

I was really quite humbled....just doing what so many of you other guys do.

 

Hashshit shirt: well, I guess that it should come as no surprise that Wetfart decided to give it to Man-Pig; a combination of profanity and coming third in the flour throwing competition!

 

Bacardi Hat: Smellie had this from last week. This could have gone to Man-Pig for laying part of the trail in dead rabbits but, instead, it went to Ernie. Ernie had been too loud in his calling of "On-On" to the extent that a local complained that he was frightening her horses. A note for the "Horse non-whisperer".

 

Jester's hat: after a 4 or 5 week absence Piddler arrived with the Jester's hat. Again, unsurprisingly, Mr Grumpy was a contender. But, in the end, it went to Horny. I am not quite sure why. It could have been for chatting with Cheerio Beerio about pussies and how they are not getting along with them or it might have been a proxy award for Pork Torpedo. He had managed to run over his foot in his van. Quite a feat [sic] I think you will agree. How on earth did he manage that?

 

Finally, a legacy from the Awards Night. The recipients of the award for the best On-Down of the year were in Barbados during the awards and this was the first time that both Fallen Woman and Broken Man had both been present at Teign Valley since.

 

The Award for best On-Down of the year 2022 went to them for unbridled hospitality at their Fish'n'Chip hash last December......and do you remember that troublesome yard of ale! It is also Broken man's 84th birthday next Thursday. Hence a note for "The Elder Statesman". He may be nearly 84 but that half disappeared rather sharpish.

 

Epilogue

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. It is also the first day of the hosepipe ban for TQ12 postcodes and most of west Devon. As I write these words, I gaze down at the cool, clear water in the pool. So inviting, so tempting but patience; patience my friend for today she is too cold. Your patience will be rewarded. Keep her clean and in just a few weeks you can dive in; reacquainted with an old friend, welcomed by her warmth and refreshment. But today is different. It is like looking at a beautiful woman. You can look. You can yearn. You can lust. You can even dream. But the reality is that this is all that you will ever do - look. Don't touch. There will be no warm embrace this year. This year she will remain cold and out of reach.....maybe next year?

 

Next week

Next week's Hash is, notionally, at Maidencombe car park - just below the Thatched Tavern. It is Bluebird's Big birthday hash.

 

However, due to Bluebird's Mum's health condition, things may change. See the TVH3 Facebook page for latest details.

 

On-On to next week.