Trail 1799 Cridford memories...

PANAMA HAT HEIST FOILED, TOOTHPASTE & BLOOD AND A WIPE-OUT

Run #1799 Monday 17th June from the Cridford Inn at Trusham with Forrest

Vague and various recollections of another grand evening hashing from the Cridford. 

At the circle: Teapot, Winfield, GM Shitfaced, Beefy, Piddler, Rambo & Doris, Hagen Daz & Harry, Poacher bringing Klingon, Grammar lads mob-handed - Runner Bean, Plonker, Flasher and Ollie, newbie Ben, Manpig, Deep Semen, Melon Picker & Soapy, BroadS, Pan Fart & Anita, G String, T Humper, Just Coming, I-Poo'd, 69, Only Here, Slip on Me, Archangel, Coldtits, SM Ellie, 3Sum and Wiggy (the trio returning tanned and happy from the Polish expedition), BB and of course our hare Forrest. The 38th hasher was Pisswell who ran the long a bit later than us and was in the pub afterwards.

It was a balmy 64f and dry - perfect for hashing, Oh Dearly Hoping to Have a Good Time Out There...

Pre-circle shenanigans as I spotted a rather natty hat on one of the log puppets on the car park wall. I furtively approached with the notion of perhaps swapping my battered baseball cap - just for the evening, mind ye... But no, the wily owners had already safeguarded against such a dastardly deed and the hat was firmly attached, drat and double drat, Muttley - and so the great Panama hat heist was foiled... A slinking back to the forming circle and another blow as Just Coming spotted and correctly evaluated that it was toothpaste wash dribbled down the front of my tee shirt - things just weren't working out tonight, Oh Dearly Disaster Ridden...

The Grand Master, now more or less completely assured in his glorious status and circle patter, welcomed virgin hasher Bernie who had been tipped the wink by Coldtits, Oh Dearly Remembering The Golden Shot Gameshow*. I mentioned to BroadS that he looked like he could run a bit - and so it proved. Even to my weary eyes, Plonker's new shoes shone like a beacon and I warned that Teapot would Shirley spot them - and he did - though it's debatable if Plonker wuz dobbed in by someone...

Our Dearly Beloved Hare Forrest outlined a three L/S trail along with a WO trail (walkers only you fools) plus a WR trail (walkers return apparently) and stated that there would be no SS or associated whimsies en routey and with that, we were sent on our 1799th way ..

I had tried to teach the lads all I knew but had to call them back immediately as they sped off in the opposite direction to the rest of the hash...sigh.

Never do a fly by unless you are Beefy and can easily catch the longs up - was a mental note I made as whoosh! the good ol' boys had only gone without so much as an adios amigo! Piddler piddling [sic] along the narrow track didn't help and his backward pointing ski poles made me wary of overtaking.

Not quite sure how Manpig, Deep Semen and the Bat managed to get in front of Beefy and the lads - we certainly played the White Man throughout. A bit earlier, I had come across Flasher going quite slowly (about my speed) up the road. I drew alongside and enquired the reason for this apparent malaise and the reply was somewhat surprising. He had got 'wiped out' whilst holidaying abroad. 'Did he stop?' I enquired. 'No, I was kayaking.**..' Oh Dearly I Am Shirley Befuddled...

Yes, we had so much fun out there which finally came to an end as we ducked and dived under the electrified fence above Trusham. I lost the beer bet (another? Shirley not!) to Manpig here, insisting that the trail definitely was not down the obvious shortest route... sigh

Just a quarter mile from home and an 'OW!' was heard behind me and in the car park a heavily blood-spattered Manpig was clutching his thumb which had been crushed in a closing gate - ay ay ay ay ouch. Beefy's first aid pack plus expert field dressing by Deep Semen saved the evening - a 'big thumbs up' by Manpig*** ... who at least had his beer bet pinta to console and comfort him in his pain.

The Cridford has a grand, elevated verandah where we could sup our Legend or Jail and idly watch the pack return. A sudden blur and I wiped my eyes - was that Soapy dashing with SM Ellie and BroadS into the car park? Why Shirley Yes and she had only run the long tonight - unlike Melon Picker who was suspiciously already at the bar.

At the trail debriefing, we discovered that Plonker and Poacher had slipped the field and both were awarded honorary FRB status for the run - Oh gnashing of teeth - what was the shoe you were wearing again Plonker?

A virgin RA debut for Forrest who presided over his own trail - great entertainment ensued.

WINFIELD'S DD REPORT
A beautiful evening after last week! Another great trail from Forrest which as usual gave us some testing terrain followed by good food and a few beers to help us recover and did you see the huge golden moon on the way home later? Our 1799th Down-Downs were awarded to...

BLUEBIRD (ceremonial Bat hat) for trying to acquire a hat from one of those car park fishermen? And for that toothpaste stained shirt!

RUNNER-BEAN (Horsey horse face hat) for attempting to "dob-in" Flasher. (Might have been a case of mistaken identity?)

MANPIG (Viking Horns hat) for "showing off" his pants to the Harriet's

FORREST STUMP (Hashit shirt) who insisted his was the best trail EVER! (our Vice President disagreed!)

* Bernie the Bolt!
** Flasher's kayak wipeout was in fact quite serious and could have been a lot worse.
*** Yes, Oh Dearly Obvious - it HAD to be done.

Still unsure what the special hash grub was - tagliatelle or carbonara - but never mind, at £3 a gogo it was hash value and the owners Paul & Ness looked after us well - as usual.
The trail was around 4.5 miles and just about right, taking in some spectacular views - much enjoyed Forrest, thanks! A TV party atmosphere prevailed inside after the DDs and a very good time was had by all. And so goodbye for now Oh Dear Brethren and we're all looking forward to next week's 1800 RUN:

Mon 24th 1800th Run. Circle 7:15 in Station Rd Car Park Bovey Tracey (TQ13 9SB) OD The Dolphin Inn with Runner Bean & Co
ON ON TO THE PARTY!

TVH OPEN ALL HOURS, ONLY FOOLS AND CAR KEYS & NOT QUITE THE AUTOMOBILE ASSOCIATION

Run #1798  Monday 10th June Circle Bonehill Rocks Dartmoor OD The Rugglestone Inn (Poacher)

And the rains came out of the east in Biblical fashion, the heavens did open and Thor rode out in his goat drawn chariot to strike fear into the hearts of timid hashers. No, Oh Dearly Desperate, it did not look good for hashing tonight - especially up on the desolate moor...

A few hours previous and it had been so different. Poacher had started to lay the trail in sunshine and the forecast of light rain was but a minor cloud [sic] on the horizon.  Then at about 4pm things turned nasty...

From within his bar bunker, the Grand Master sent out a rallying call to his wavering troops: 'Are we hashers or ARE WE HASHERS!' And while some dillied and derided, the TV warriors made ready.

At 6:40pm Haldon Hash reportedly ran up the white flag whilst the ones chosen by the hashing gods, proceeded to Bonehill. Yes, Oh Dearly Open All Hours, we might just be frying tonight.

A tiny knot of chariots revealed themselves in the lee of Bonehill Rocks and yes, there were hashers there, Oh Dearly Kept the Faith..

As if by divine intervention, the rain ceased, all was still and the naysayers fell silent.

The Grand Master himself was outside, exhorting his tiny contingent and there was Beefy of course along with the ex AA battle wagon with Jessie plus one virgin hasher inside. Awaiting instructions were Manpig, Just Coming, Archangel & the Vice President KC, Only Here, BB and of course our courageous hare Poach.

The Penners, Wet Johnny and Erection and 69 had checked in earlier when it was still peeing down and were the advance party to the Ruggle. Poacher explained that there 'should' be a trail out there and there was a L/S split. Local lass Jessie had volunteered to run 'live' so, against all expectations, there was a game to be played.  And off they sped!

By the time I had changed into my Yeti wind chill suit, unkindly called a 'scenes of crime suit' by Manpig, the micro hash had disappeared so  the GM and I headed for the elevation of Bonehill rocks to see what was going on out there in darkening Dartmoor.

It was a grand view we had atop the rocks but then came the first inkling of drama. 'Oi! Here for the Beer! He's nicking my keys! Leave the keys!' cried an alarmed Grand Master, but Only Here was driving off with Manpig and evidently taking the GM's car keys with him - Oh Despicable and Dick Dastardly deed!

Returning to the car, no sign of the keys could be found and it had to be assumed that Only Here had them now in the pub. There was only one thing for it - drive to the Ruggle and retrieve the keys and then back for the car.... sigh.

There then ensued an Only Fools chase down to the pub. Emerging from the bar, the GM snarled 'Don't ask Bluebird, just drive!' And back to Bonehill we went, the GM explaining that Only Here had given the keys to Beefy the Marathon Man!  We could be up at Bonehill for hours... long sigh 

There was a gnashing of teeth and many curses uttered before eventually, the Penner's chariot was seen approaching. Could it be that salvation was at hand?  Why YES! They only had the keys and the comic progression was unravelled:  Beefy had given the keys to Poacher who had arrived at the Ruggle to find that the GM had been and gone so he had given them to WJ to take back up - Get it? Got it. Good!  Muttering vengeance on Here for the Beer, the GM was ferried back once again to the Rugglestone. Ain't hashing grand!

Double déjà vu, but there was a right royal Ruggle rejoicing as we found TVH snugly ensconced in the back room awaiting the hash grub.

Oh yes, Oh Dearly Deserved, Legend was supped, stirring tall tales were told as we awaited the Brave. 'How long before Beefy gets here?' someone enquired and the response from Only Here was somewhat disappointing: 'He won't come back here, I'll buy you all a beer if he does!' Shirley Only Here knew something that we evidently did not - a bet such as that from a beer lover like him would not have been made without firm intelligence...

Yes, you have guessed right, Oh Dearly The Drinks Are On Only Here... Beefy, Jessie and Raf arrived (Portugese not Polish Raf) to cheers and a solitary groan from the TV banquet table.

Fortified with our beer bet beer, Head RA Manpig delivered the DDs to his tiny but enthusiastic audience. First up was the grim-faced GM and no surprises as Only Free Beer was awarded the Bat Hat for his car key catastrophe. Most unfortunately, the RA, whose word is final, decided that the GM should also get a DD for his Only Fools car chase for the keys and the final DD was given to the heroic hare for laying the extreme weather trail.

There was one last deed to be done, a naming for Jessie. 'Who does the yellow van belong to?' brought a look of trepidation to her eyes but it ended well enough, I think, with a handle of A**eh**es Anonymous. Oh dear, I wonder what P**swell will say...

I think Beefy's post hash comment sums up what we all thought about the unusual evening: 

'What a brilliant evening down the Rugglestone: great company and very entertaining in an intimate setting. One of the best times I've ever had after a trail. On-On!'

Grateful thanks to Jessie, Raf and Beefy for completing (and validating) the 4.5 mile trail and Poacher for laying it.

ON ON to next week and hopefully better weather - it is mid June after all - from The Cridford Inn Trusham (TQ13 0NR) with Forrest Stump.

MON 10th JUNE BONEHILL ROCKS DARTMOOR

Mon 10th June Circle 7:15pm at Bone Hill Rocks Dartmoor (SX 732775) OD The Rugglestone Inn. Hare Poacher 
Click on map to find your route past Haytor Rocks, over cattle grid at Hemsworthy Gate towards Widecombe. Take next turning right towards Hound Tor after short distance take left turn to Bonehill Rocks

TEDDY SAVED, PADDY & JESSIE FLEE FOR THEIR LIVES AND ELLIOTS HILL SALVATION

Run  #1797 Monday 3rd June at Cold East Cross, Dartmoor with Pisswell. OD The Rugglestone Inn

Come on Dusty, let's hear it:

Where does the trail lie

In the middle of nowhere

Will it soon pass me by

In the middle of nowhere

Back to the bleak but beautiful moor it was and the desolate clearing posing as a car park at the inhospitably named Cold East Cross. This then, Oh Dearly Beloved Groundhog Day Lovers, was the first edition of the Rugglestone Diaries as Shirley we would be back again the following week Oh Dearly This Has Not Happened In Ages.. But never mind, ever onwards to the action - and there was to be plenty of it.

Breasting the rise above the cross and chariots could be seen in the distance, clustered protectively together and looking for all the world like wild west wagons awaiting the indian attack.

They came from afar and the faithful few were joined by many:

Pisswell, daughter Jessie, virgin Paddy, Teapot, Able, Wigwam, BB, Hotlips & Zoot, Soapy & Melon Picker, Twinkletoes, Poacher, Rambo & Doris, Beefy, BroadS, SM Ellie, Manpig, Manopause, Erection, 69, a very strong Polish contingent: Pan Fart, Abscess, Anita, Gosia, Mother - she came back, a mum like her* + 3 virgins, Shitfaced, I-Poo'd, Piltdown & Georgy, Winfield, SatNav, Runner Bean, Plonker and Oliver, Coldtits, Pork Torpedo & Hornie, Hagen Daz & Harry, Slip on Me, Twin Buffers, late arriving Polyfella and even later Archangel. Forty eight listed but believe fifty recorded.

Pisswell divulged that she'd had a message from above - the Archangel Gabriel no less - and she had written down her own Commandments for the upcoming run - most of which were in the deadly Devon dialect - the most important detail being that the marks were always on the right. This vital snippet would ensure that Beefy and I at least would not go too far astray, Oh Dearly Observant...

And we were set loose from the Cold East calaboose, but things were not going to go as planned and a strawberry flavoured yoghurt sent it spinning from his hand..

There were some fast boys (and girls) out there and the combination of rough running uphill soon had the bird a staggering 'n' gasping. The trail was briefly lost at the foot of Buckland Beacon which not only re-enabled contact with the FRBs but also for the 'hashers of a lesser god' who swept by much to the frustration of the bested bird.

The final nail in the coffin was the technical** descent from the beacon into the valley far below. The taunting cries from Manopause gradually receded and then the FRBs had flown - Vaya con dios muchachos.

Over to you again, Dusty:

Are you gonna to leave me

And leave hashers to go astray

I'm in the middle of nowhere

Come and show me the way

A little respite was given encountering the welcome tarmac en route to Buckland in the Moor and no more ground was lost. And there were the marks leading into St Peters Church and the Bird is the Word paused for a moment to ask: 'Can I have more road please!' as by now he had tired of Wandering Lonely as a Cloud.

The plaintive plea was immediately answered and leaving the church there it was - the surfin' Bird's salvation - yes Oh Dearly Will be Revenged - the mile long Elliots Hill. Oh Hallelujah baby!

What a hill it was Elvis, such a hill that could be run right to the summit and it was a game changer.  A shout from behind, good gawd, it was Plonker and Runner Bean who Shirley had gone Pete Tong big time HA!

Then around a bend, the blue vested Manopause appeared (long time no see old buddy) which elicited a veritable banshee screech from the Bird who was now so hot he was practically on fire. A little further up the hill, Paddy heard the demented wail and turning to running partner Jessie muttered: 'I don't know who that is, but I don't want him to catch us up!' and the pair fled for their very lives and sanity..

Meanwhile, the longs were having their own adventures. Manpig had joined up with BroadS and SM Ellie and somehow they had managed to get onto the short trail which, after retracing their steps, left them over a mile adrift of the longs. En routey, Manpig happened upon a sad scene - a bedraggled t' t' teddy bear with red bow lying forlornly on the ground. Manpig, his heart strings tugged and a melancholy banjo twanging, just couldn't bear [sic] to leave him alone on the savage moor with night approaching. Gently placing teddy on a wall outside a house, the trio resumed the trail. If you are reading this perchance, Teddy, drop us a line to tell us you're safe..

Elliots Farm passed and a mile up into the clouds we hit the moor again, racing the fleeting rain to the magical SS manned by Pisswell and Slip on Me. There were marshmallows toasting by an open fire and an array of beverages to tempt and please and that we Shirley were before climbing back to Cold East Cross and a six miler bagged.  Manpig, BroadS and SM Ellie outdid us all by recording a Magnificent Seven courtesy of their detour.

It was a struggle to get to the Ruggle and there was chariot carnage at the first signpost as the Penners rocked and nearly rolled reversing back on course - but I didn't rat you out lads.

Nine o'clock had long retreated and it had turned a tad chilly, Oh Dearly Turn Your Collars Up and huddled hashers braved the elements in the beer garden whilst the savvy few lingered in the tiny bar to sample the Teignworthy and Legend (a cracking £3.40 a gogo) before being summoned outside for the downdowns.

DOWNDOWNS & AWARDS presented by Pork Torpedo

#1797 Mon at Cold East Cross Dartmoor where Hare Pisswell had laid a great trail around the moor finishing with the OD at The Rugglestone Inn Widecombe where the Down-Down Awards were presented to .....

VIRGIN Hasher OLIVER for going astray, nearly losing his shoe in the bog! now safely wearing wellingtons!!

GM SHITFACED for pinching that story from Beefy!

COLDTIZ for arriving early and not getting lost on the moor this time!

ERECTION for his badge on reaching 50 Runs with TVH3

POLYFELLA who at last received his 200 Runs Badge!

* Calvera to Chris: The Magnificent Seven (1960)

** Technical only for old timers

After the DDs and going to the bar for a refill, I found that Archangel had arrived and had completed Pisswell's six miler coming across quite a few hashers along the way. Unheralded yes but not now unsung.

It was quite a test, given my condition, but the trail was a winner and had something for everyone to enjoy.  Running alone, I could actually focus on the beautiful surroundings more and most of it was new to me. Thanks ever so much Pisswell and Slip on Me, all power to your marshmallows.

ON ON to next week and Circle up from Bone Hill Rocks Dartmoor (SX 732775) OD The Rugglestone Inn (second edition) (Poacher)

Monday 3rd June COLD EAST CROSS

Monday 3rd June #1797 circle up 7:15pm from Cold East Cross (SX 741743) On Down Rugglestone Inn, Widecombe in the Moor. Hare Pisswell
 To find COLD EAST CROSS (click on map) pass Haytor Rocks then at at next junction,  at cattle grid turn left to Ashburton / Buckland for I mile CP is on the left On-On

BOBBY'S FIVE MINUTES OF FAME, A FUNNY TURN & THE HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTEST

Mon 27th May Run #1796 Uplands, Clennon Heights, Paignton: A barrel of beer and banquet with Mouldy Dick & Wickdipper

Come along now, singalong with me:

Summer is Icumen in, loudly sing cuckoo,
Grows the seed and blows the mead,
And springs the wood anew;
Sing, cuckoo!

Well it must be so as Mouldy Dick & Wicky had decided to hasten its advance by presenting the first 'semi' outside beer and banquet of the year from their fine abode atop Clennon Heights. An eventful night it would prove to be Oh Dearly Nearly Didn't Make It...

Hash chariots cheerfully created carnage careering carefully into the cul-de-sac* and soon the hitherto slumbering community was aclog** with the holiday hash.

The circle was convened in Mouldy's entrance and a fine forty was recorded including two returnees from the previous week's adventure at Manaton, virgins Rob & Crystal and Mother, brought along by Abscess and Gosia.

Circle recalled: Shitfaced, Piltdown, 3Sum, SatNav, Soapy, Melon Picker + two little ones, U Bend, Piddler, Fukarwi & Prickly Bush, Abscess, Gosia and Mother, Teapot, Bobby, Wiggers, Beefy, Slip on Me, Birthday girl Able, Rambo & Doris, newbies Rob & Crystal, Mouldy, T Humper, I-Poo'd, Fallen Woman & Broken Man, Runner Bean, Plonker, Hotlips & Zoot, two Manaton virgin survivors, Manpig, Broads, SM Ellie and BB.

At last our brand new Grand Master could perhaps properly present proceedings. Tightly clutching his third edition of the Grand Master's Guide to Galactic Hashing, Shitfaced welcomed in the newbies and eased into the usual GM's patter. There was a suggestion by T Humper that the hash revert to its normal Monday evening for the Christmas do - Wigwam advising the present Saturday night was only a recent innovation.

Hare Mouldy delivered what were to be telling words of caution: 'If you want to get onto the first L/S split DON'T get ahead of me.' However, hashers are renowned for casting such dread warnings to the winds once underway and so it began Oh Dearly Went Astray...

The lads (Runner Bean & Plonker) were in no mood for meandering and shouting to the eager bucks at the skeletal remains of the Big Tree 'It's gotta be Clennon, let's roll!' the super scouts skedaddled. A check was found a little way up Penwill and though no marks were subsequently discovered, on we pressed upwards and I had a nasty feeling of déjà vu as Fukarwi joined the fray - both of us not quite recovered from chest infections generated from the AGPU a fortnight previous - no aspersions cast eh Fukarwi?

Halfway up hell hill, Plonker faltered and we paused awhile to gather breath and review proceedings. Far below, Beefy and the main longs were advancing slowly awaiting solid sightings. Beefy, also remembering the last Penwill Way debacle, decided to retreat, which proved to be the right decision as Mouldy arrived to put down the first L/S split which he had foretold at the circle, directing the pack across the car park into Clennon Valley proper.. collective sigh from Runner Bean, Plonker and BB. Far, far away from the action, Runner Bean spotted a fluorescing Manpig legging it across the valley about half a mile away. Oh well, it didn't work, did it lads, better luck next time..

Mouldy's mysterious marks proved to be thin on the ground, mayhap because the Clennon ducks had taken a bill or two to them but in any case, sparse they were and many a leap of faith and second guessing had to be taken, though on the climb to the A379 the trail ran icy cold...

Cometh the crisis cometh the most unlikely hero. Oh yes, Oh Dearly Getting Excited, appearing in front of the clueless FRBs was Bobby Woll himself and he was ready to roll. Across the main road and up onto Sugar Loaf he strode with porpoise [sic] and then almost unbelievably (this is the same Bobby Kirk who only recently needed ski pole assist) he broke into an ambling gait uphill with the likes of Beefy, Bluebird, BroadS, Plonker and SM Ellie in his wake. This then, Oh Dearly Flabber Aghast, was Bobby's finest five minutes..

And there atop Sugar Loaf we lingered to take in one of the finest vistas over Torbay - ah it was good to be alive.. but where were the rest of the scattered longs we asked ourselves. An immediate answer was forthcoming as below us, Manpig, Fukarwi and Runner Bean were seen coursing back from the coast path. Marking their cards that they had to go back and now mob-handed, the longs surged onward - only to be intercepted by another long from the Oyster Bend ginnel - yes, Coldtits had found the trail true - sacre l'oiseau bleu!

Said trail was sound as shorts and longs converged as one onto the cider stop at Mouldy's beach hut on Goodrington Sands and jollity abounded for a while, Oh Dearly About to Collapse...
Come in, you're time is up - the light that burns twice as bright lasts half as long and you have burned so very brightly, Bird Blue...

Colours faded, the noise of the madding hash dissipated and a strange malaise grew. It was so quiet and peaceful. Faint echoes of concern: 'He's gone a funny colour', 'Do you want some water?'
I am sailing, I am failing...

Can you hear me, can you hear me
Through the dark night, far away
I am dying, forever crying
To be with you, who can say...

However, it was not time to go and there was Fallen Woman proffering a handful of chocolate raisins - how kind - Coldtits whispering 'Don't worry, I'm a first-aider.' and former nurse Wicky telling Bobby not to leave someone who was evidently having a funny turn... but back to the hash and Mouldy had manufactured a pleasing five miler for the longs, just about right I was told so all thumbs up for the hare.

Back at Uplands, a barrel of Hunters Half Bore 4.0 abv was tapped, ready to rip and at a pound a pint was Mouldy magic. Hashers had also generously brought fare along and the balcony table was crammed for the hash to tuck into. Most enjoyable and filling was a plate of 3Sum's pasta topped with Fallen Woman's carrot salad, thank you ladies and to all who contributed to the banquet.

DOWNDOWNS
A star-studded array of DDs presented by our host Mouldy:
Melon Picker (Hashit shirt) to Mouldy for the trail
SM Ellie to Wickdipper - the hostess with the mostest
BroadS (Bat Hat) to Bobby for rescuing the FRBs
Mouldy presented Doris with her 1400 Run badge and whisky miniature DD
A Birthday DD for Able
Two DDs for Abscess and Rob for being phone bound for so long!

It was a lovely evening and one which I will remember for some time. Thank you Wicky, Coldtits and Bobby for looking after me, silly old fool that I am, you were all so kind. And thank you Mouldy and Wicky for all the time and effort you put into making the extravaganza, you know we appreciated it.

*I may have overtweaked the alliteration
**I lay claim to the word, So let it be written, So let it be done.

ON ON to next week and circle up from Cold East Cross Dartmoor (SX 741743) OD The Rugglestone Inn with Pisswell.

At Manaton a "Chiefs" Birthday and great views

A MYSTERY TRAIL-BIRTHDAY plus a NAMING at Manaton

Mon 20th # 1795 from Manaton Church CP OD:The Kestor Inn with Hare Poacher!
Scribe Palmolive.

We circled up in the car park in anticipation of what Poacher had in store for us, although he was nowhere to be seen? still out laying the trail was the conclusion. I’ve not been hashing for a while- fair weather and fancy dress hasher I am! So nice to be greeted with kisses and cuddles from Broken Man, Fallen Woman, and Zoot & Hotlips! Last GM for Piltdown then over to Shitfaced to take center stage-or rather circle. Complete with flip-flops (on his feet not the hasher) he was not running tonight but welcomed us all, and some visitors. Trying to drag out the start for as long as possible, unanimously it was decided we start without the hare and look for marks. Well we are Hasher’s it’s what we do! ‘On On’ was called and off we set across the green, quick cuddle from 69 and off we go.
Down the lanes and this is where the flower fairy in me takes over, Soapy taught me well so as we followed the flour we were on a flower trail too! Spring is beautiful in Devon, and the hedges are filled with Campions-red and white, with little Herb Roberts poking through the Hedge parsley. ‘On On’ as we pass more flour and continue down a bumpy bridle path-not on horse back today! Looking into the fields full of teeny lambs surrounded by Butter cups and Daisies. Mawgan decides he wants to bring a stick along for the trail-oh what fun, and luckily Erection is happy to play fetch for a bit to keep him entertained. Further along the trail to a long short split, short for me this time along with Soapy Melon Picker and Sat Nav. Chatting and running oh and flower spotting, that’s Violets, Stitchwort and Cuckoo flower added to my list! Into a wooded section and the smell of beautiful pine brings memories of Christmas (not pine loo spray!) spotted Foxgloves trying to poke through along with a small patch of Bugle. Oh wait we are supposed to be looking for flour not flowers! Oh we seem to have run out of marks?!! Back to last mark it is, past some beautiful thatched cottages adorned with Wisteria and Clematis climbing them and stunning Rhododendrons for good measure, ops still wrong flowers FLOUR Palmolive FLOUR!!! Nope still no FLOUR, Melon Picker heads up into the wood with Bindi the dog, whilst we continue along with ‘3Sum’ back past the pretty cottages, oh we seem to have got the main road through Manaton!? Still no marks but found Fallen Women! She decided to do her own little route but Satnav, Soapy and I went back again to the woods- pass the pretty cottages and bumped into Hutch not out hashing just out for a walk. Up into the woods by the last arrow and found Melon Picker again, up up and up we go still no marks but pretty non the less! Speedwell and Dandelion as we get back onto the path- No flour to follow so il go back to my flower spotting!! Found and ate a Violet and a nibble on some Wood sorrel-tasted like lemon and limes! Back from once we came, passing a sign where’ we lost our marbles’ and admired a blanket of Bluebells. Getting closer to the car park, and spotted some White nettles Primroses and chocolate brownies- no not a type a flower but for sale at the end of some ones drive!! Back in the car park and see ‘Pan Something’ and Poacher!!!! He had been all the way to Lustleigh and back?! Turns out he started setting the trail at 6pm did a bit, then laid the longs and didn’t get back to the shorts!!! Oh well got me out on a nice evening! TO THE PUB! Not without the last spot of Horse chestnuts in flower overhead pink and white!
Some Hashers back but lots not? The Kestor put on a great hash menu, Lasagna it is!! Hashers came back in dribs and drabs eventually! Piltdown went back to find Georgie, best not leave without her! Forest and G-STRING arrive back (she was named tonight- i think as we could nearly see hers!!) with SM Ellie last lady in and Will? Last man in- to which both received a down down! Cake was next on the agenda, an amazing Exeter Chiefs inspired Birthday cake for Melon Picker!!! All the notes in the wrong order sang, and slices dished out, seconds and thirds for Rambo!! Well a lovely spring evening with or without marks, I may not have seen much FLOUR but the flowers kept me busy!
On-On to Mouldy Dicks house at Clennon Heights Paignton (TQ4 5HF) map to-follow
On-On
Palmolive x

A GRAND MASTER CALLED SHITFACED, FUKARWI GOES ROGUE & PAN FART PROMOTED TO FRB

Run #1794 Monday 13th May from The Old Church House Inn Torbryan with the Fukarwi Family

It was to be a big night for TVH as Piltdown Man was relinquishing his tenure as Grand Master, leaving a vacancy to be filled - more on this later Oh Dearly Bored Already but let us start at the beginning - always a good idea..

The run, the pub and the AGPU meeting, yes, Oh Dearly Congested, it was going to be a hectic evening with TVH, so let's Rocknrolla...

So many came to be amused and the pub car park was soon overwhelmed by carbon spewing chariots. A dread rumbling in the distance became a roar as Achtung Bobby Woll's Panzer hove into view. Furiously did hashers try to flag him down but Bobby, with that trademark snarl, was not for turning and hashers leapt for their lives as the Panzer trundled into the car park. The Rottenführer was back in business..

The Penners, just up the road, had hatched a cunning plan to enable them to adhere to the PU part of the AGPU. Why, they would simply walk there and Shirley Stagger back. They had a stroke of luck, however, as Only Here was passing and they piled in the back of the open chariot to arrive 'in style' Shirley - more on the return later...

Difficult to see who was where Wally but I made out: Piltdown & Georgy, Rambo & Doris, Winfield, Teapot, Beefy, Fukarwi, Coldtits, Manopause, Erection, Wet Johnny (back from Bolivia baby), Hotlips & Zoot, 3sum, SatNav, Twin Buffers, Polyfella, Pan Fart, Abscess, Anita, Gosia, 69, Forrest, Sarah, Piddler, U Bend, Poacher, Klingon, SM Ellie (still standing after Sunday's Beer Blazer 10 miler), Soapy & Melon Picker, Able, Shitfaced, T Humper, I-Poo'd, Only Here, Compo, Mouldy, Bobby Woll, Wiggers, Slip on Me, Sugar Puff, Camel Toe, BB, 5 virgins: Gina, Joseph, Debs, Sue & Sarah - that's fifty and sorry if I missed you in the mayhem Mavis. Archangel wasn't going to miss a PU and arrived after the run.

The very last question Oh Dearly Relieved by GM Piltdown was duly delivered (Able taking the beer) and Fukarwi was summoned to divulge the ingredients of what should have been a 'simple and short' hors d'oeuvre trail - but the famously nam-ed one evidently hadn't read the script, Oh Dearly Be prepared for an Epic...

Now it's usually a day off for the designated hare for the AGPU as the instruction from on high is: 'Take them out for half an hour or so and get 'em into the pub quick...' but the FRB hare had other plans and was about to go rogue..

FIVE L/S splits and an ASS* stop - WHAT? Hash tradition hadn't just gone out the window, Fukarwi had smashed the glass as well - I like it, I like it and the FRBs and lordly longs lifted their eyes to heaven in thanks for the deliverance from an evil [sic] manufactured shorty Shirley..

Fukarwi had left nothing to chance Charlie and had planned the trail as if it were a military operation which his detailed map bore ample testament. The only question was - would it actually work Winfield?

The hell hill out of Torbryan came as a Shirley Shock and soon strung the pack out. It took quite an effort to rejoin the longs on Orley Common. Decanting into the tightly twisting wooded trail saw Sugar Puff, Pan Fart, Abscess, Poacher, Manopause, Compo and WJ to the fore. Though temporarily missing, Beefy soon appeared on hitting the tarmac with phone a snappin' Shirley..

Gaps started to appear on the aching asphalt (for serial off roaders) and Beefy the FRB scout surged onwards but with two passengers keeping him in sight - one was well-known but the other was definitely not - Pan Fart was really rolling tonight and it was a helluva eye-opener as he skated away up an incline. At the end of the run, Pan Fart had been promoted to the hallowed halls of the FRBs. Hallelujah!

At about halfway the welcome cider and SS appeared, manned by faithful Fukarwi's family - and again there was attention to detail with a table neatly bedecked with the drinks and sweeties. We tarried for a chat and breather in the sunshine before pressing onwards into the already amazing trail and there was plenty more to come.

Arriving late on the scene as stamina came into play, Polyfella joined the party of Beefy, Pan Fart and the battling Bird and apart from going astray late on, the church hove into view and we were home with a Magnificent Seven miles in the bag Beefy. Holy moly and Olé!

Sweeping the area for casualties or fatalities, Fukarwi came across one serene soul, wandering lonely as a cloud. He pulled up and gently enquired whether the delightful damsel required asistance or a lift back to base even. The Latecoming Queen's answer was predictable and Fukarwi left Coldtits to continue her merry way...the Lady was not for turning, No? Well..

The Old Church House was heaving with hashers and there was no room to swing a cat even if we had one. Hash grub had been laid on - gratis for members otherwise two squid for the quiders.

In the absence of our RA sans pareil (reportedly Turkey exported?) Mouldy did the honours and the awards went thus:

Mon May 13th it was our AGPU Run, No1793, from The Church House Inn Torbryan with Hare Fukawe assisted by Prickly Bush and family. A great sunny evening and trail, which led us around the scenic countryside, woods lanes and fields, we had it all. Well done Fukawe.

The Offenders on this evening were:-

PILTDOWN MAN for finding a parking space almost in the next village!

PILTDOWN MAN again!well it was the last time and we will never have to rack our brains over one of his weekly questions ! ?

PAN FART this giant surprised Bluebird by leaving him in his wake! and is not going to waste his beer now either !

TWIN BUFFERS who at last after many years finally reached her 50Runs Badge but it may take that long to drink up!

PIDDLER always complaining so he had to drink water?

A late AGPU meeting was convened in a tiny room (but adequate for our needs) to the rear of the pub and the stop press headline was the investiture of the new Grand Master of the Teign Valley Hash. Congratulations my son, we now have a GM called Shitfaced! So let it be written, So let it be done.**

Business concluded, the hash dispersed, leaving the PU artists in situ but then at 10:25pm the Last Orders was called - YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS! but they were and though drink-up time was permitted, it was a bit of a damper on proceedings if I'm brutally honest with you Oh Dearly Not P***ed After All, Jolly enough and just about lubricated were the Penners who crammed into the last chariot in the car park and were ferried safely back home. Happy days lads.

Well, the answer to the question 'Would it work?' was a resounding YES Fukarwi mate. A savage, scenic, seven miler on an AGPU evening? All that hard work for us longs - we raise our glasses to you in honour! Pass on our thanks to Prickly Bush, Pole Dodger and your daughter please.

* Shirley you remember: Alcohol Sweetie Stop!

** If you recall this from The Ten Commandments (Yul Brynner   1956) award yourself a banana Betty.

ON ON to next week and the circle up at Manaton CHURCH CP (TQ13 9UJ) OD: The Kestor Inn Manaton (Poacher) and don't forget that

Bobbiball is having a 69 birthday party on Friday 17th May at 7pm at the Parkers Arms Collaton St Mary Paignton Buffet and disco provided.

ECHO BEACH, DOWN IN DEVIL GATE DIVE & FISHY DICK HASHES AGAIN

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A TRAIL TO DIE (ON) FOR & A REAL CROWD-PLEASER AT THE CRIDFORD INN

Run #1792 on Mon 29th April from The Cridford Inn Trusham with hares Fallen Woman & Forrest

Come on, let's get this show on the road:

Well, the Cridford was really hashin'
Going round 'n' round
Yeah, boozin' and a-hashin'
What a crazy sound
Well, they never stopped hashin'
'Til the moon went down

Oh Shirley yes, Oh Dearly Overjoyed, this was the one hash you really could not miss - the BIG BROKEN MAN BIRTHDAY HASH and it Shirley succeeded beyond all expectations..

A magnificent marquee in Trucker's Field would host the spectacular beer stop, a roped river crossing, a ravine of death (which would nearly claim the life of The Bat), a trail to 'die for' (and on) by the hares, super sumptuous bargain price hash grub and an unbelievable pub atmosphere afterwards - Oh Dearly Overwhelmed, this will Shirley take the relating..

Believe there was the magic fifty at the circle and an extra three in the pub:

The Man of the Hour Broken Man, Fallen Woman, Teapot, Winfield, Piltdown & Georgie, BroadS, Beefy, Manopause, Erection, Poacher, Warm Front, returnee Prickly Bush, Deep Semen, Kermit, Flasher, Hugo, Forrest and Sarah, Shitfaced, 3sum, SatNav, Wigwam & Bobby, Coldtits, Hotlips & Zoot, Doris & Rambo, Paraprick, U Bend, Pisswell, Only Here, Cums Too Late, Manpig, Fukarwi (in immaculate hash gear), Able, Pan Fart (Big Raf!), Anita, Abcess, Gosia and two visitors, BB, virgin Chris (more on him later), Soapy & Melon Picker (back from extended hols), Screwed, Squashed Balls (fresh from marathon on Thursday) and Twin Buffers, Klingon (at last given a lift), Archangel & a most special guest appearance by the revered Vice President Himself - KC who did a twirl at the circle to appreciative applause.

The hares imparted the trail info of 3 L/S splits, a 'compulsory' river crossing and a beer stop before loosing the FRBs of war onto the unsuspecting Trusham villagers...

Right from the start it quickly became apparent that this would be a Shirley Spectacular - a rugged trail with technical transitions to ensnare the unwary. Bursting onto a field, the FRBs startled a local walking his dog who had evidently not seen anything like it before Beefy!

The FRBs gradually sorted hemselves out and got organised but with two noted absentees: Beefy was on the long but was with Pisswell, Klingon and Pan Fart & co. and Fukarwi with the aftermath of a chest infection, erred on the side of caution and 'shorted'. Warm Front was giving the orienteers Flasher and Hugo a real run for their money and Poacher, with local knowledge, was to the fore. BroadS, BB, Manopause and virgin Chris augmented the advance guard.

Howls of rage from different sources accompanied the errant Bird* weaving across the field. The marks, though sometimes tricky to find, held true to test the chase and the good old boys and girl were working well together as the trail veered, not unexpectedly, towards Forrest's gaff down in Tinkley Bottom. The trail then seemed to go cold and a FRB enquired 'What does BS stand for?' AHA, good boy, now we're cooking! A cry of 'ON ON' was heard from Warm Front who had only spotted the roped river crossing and was halfway across as the pack veered sharply Shirley to intercept.

And there to the background accompaniment of the Hallelujah Chorus, loomed large the Beer stop of Beer stops in Trucker's field. Trucker had Shirley pushed the boat way out here Only Here. Many a short and walker were already in situ (most having cunningly avoiding the river crossing - Teapot springing to mind) and had glass in hand. Now as a rule, the FRBs are quite sniffy about dilly dallying at beer stops but an exception was willingly made on this hallowed occasion - Shirley it would have been rude not to raise an early glass to the Birthday Boy. Virtually the whole hash assembled for the 'I wuz there' photo taken by ace photographer Beefy before the game recommenced.

Not so easy running after a beer or two but on we careered onto terra tarmac before it kicked up nastily as we started the ascent of Farley Hill. A check near the bottom halted the beer-soaked battalion and we really should have listened to Bobby ski poles Crawl who knew the way Winfield. Three quarters of a mile up into the cloud layers turned the chase into a rout and Warm Front, Flasher and Hugo were away - but not quite gone as the orienteers got slightly disorientated [sic]. Hugo reported that he had ended up in a farmyard after missing the faint arrow diverting the trail sharp left into Whiteborough Lane. Unlucky lads, but I only knew because I had missed the same turning on a previous hash Hattie, but never mind, worse things happen at sea Shirley.

The shorts remained safe above ground at the last L/S split (you did well to avoid this split Winfield) while the longs were directed into the rock strewn gully and stream and for one hasher, impending doom...

If I hadn't known better, I'd have been sure that the hares had deliberately designed the fiendish spectacle that met mine eyes at the bottom of the gully. There appeared a yawning chasm with a terrifying drop below (anything over three feet is terrifying at my age mush). I weighed up the risk of leaping the gap - Shirley I could make it? GE-RON-N-N-IMO.... a foot gained a slight purchase but then I teetered on the edge of the yawning abyss. NO-O-O-O I hadn't made it and this was how it was to end - I could hear Manpig now as my life flashed before me: 'It is with great regret that I have to report to the hash that Bluebird fell into a ditch and is now brown bread - a minute's silence please...' BUT NO, a hand reached out and grasped the unfortunate Bird, I was sav-ed Inspector Dreyfus. Didulikethat? No? Well please yourselves then.

The trail was about four miles for the longs and we were out there for around seventy minutes - beer stop included. Ace trail, big thumbs up from the longs.

The Cridford was packed out and our thanks to Paul, Ness and staff for their efforts. The Otter Amber 4.0 abv was the driver option and Dartmoor Legend 4.4 if you were not.

THE DOWNDOWNS
Run No.1792 BROKEN MAN'S 80th Birthday run from The Cridford Inn Trusham, with Hares Forrest Stump and Fallen Woman, who had laid a great Scenic trail up and down the hills. Plus a Birthday song at the Beer stop in Trucker's field.
Down-Downs this week were awarded to:-
Hare's FORREST STUMP and FALLEN WOMAN for a great evening.
KLINGON for a nice slide? down a muddy hill!
ERECTION for a "SPOILER" at the cinema for Shitfaced and family
CHRIS with strong hand saved Bluebirds life by pulling him back from the precipice...oh dear!
HUGO now forever to be known as PLONKER!
BROKEN MAN his 500Runs Badge plus a Birthday Down Down!

Hugo was a little perplexed at the reasoning of his naming and I can grant illumination. Hugo Twigger sounds like Trigger - Only Fools connection so mischievously, Plonker bestowed.

There was pandemonium when that hero Chris stepped forward for his DD and the Hashit shirt. On removing his tee shirt, Able collapsed and had to be revived with smelling salts, SatNav jumped up from her seat to get a better look and Twin Buffers was shell-shocked. Even the RA was taken aback and came out with what was Shirley** the quote of the evening: 'I think I'm drowning in a sea of oestrogen here!' The instant attempt at naming had to be postponed for another time as the hash just couldn't recover their composure. That really was a crowd-pleaser.

I've seen a few hashes in my time but the atmosphere in the Cridford Inn was something else, what a fabulous evening - well done Fallen Woman, Forrest and Trucker. That'll Shirley be a leading contender for Hash of the Year.

* They'll never give me a break.
** Ten Shirleys but what the heck, it was a BIG BIRTHDAY after all.

ON ON to next week and another (double) Birthday Hash with no less than four hares: Bird, Poacher, Wiggster and Bobby Woll Crawl Kirk from the Crown & Sceptre, St Marychurch TQ1 4QA but be afraid - it may be the Guns of Navarone cliff ascent revisited...