A TRAIL TO REMEMBER. LIGHTNING STRIKES TWICE & THERE'S NO WELCOME AT THE INN

Run #1807 from Newbridge CP, OD the Tavistock Inn with Poacher & 69

Still faithfully recording, the tiny cam tumbled over and over in the savage river current, dashing against smooth rocks formed countless aeons ago.

A darker missive might have been composed, such were the unworthy thoughts that percolated my restless dreams of Monday night. I relived the awful moments over again in my tormented mind. 'I've got footage that you'd pay to see....Do I look like a Wally....Oh, it's gone, gone forever..'

Words nearly fail me. Fate's fickle finger struck once more Monday evening from the wicked wilds of Buckland in the Moor on the eastern tip of the miserable moor. Oh pardon me my melancholic words, but I fear that I have been made bitter by my tragic loss.

Nevertheless, I shall attempt to relate my sorry saga for those that were not there to bear witness to the calamity.

Being somewhat inconvenienced, and snigger you not, my dim recall of those at the car park of unrelenting doom herewith follows and my apologies for the inevitable omissions:

The Grand Master Himself and his faithful retinue of Parkies - T Humper, I-Poo'd, Getting Wet, Never Wet, Just Cummin' and Spike; Beefy sans equipment - another portent of doom, never happened before and he had to borrow the GM's phone to operate; Forrest with a chariot packed with relatives (of which denomination I know not) a tiny lad and, unless Forrest was pulling my leg, a certain broad in the beam gentleman (you never know if you may unwittingly cause offence and suffer repercussions later) allegedly hash-named Blondie Wonder - I know, but apparently he was thus nam-ed when but a tot...

I digress already, so back to the Players of this Shakespearean tragedy:

Soapy & Melon Picker, Pork Torpedo & Hornie, Piltdown & Georgy, Rambo & Doris, U Bend, Runner Bean, Ollie, SM Ellie, Wiggy, Bobby Brawl*, Archangel, Coldtits, Hagen Daz & Budgie Smuggler, Whisperer, Fukarwi, 3Sum, SatNav, Slip on Me, Only Here, Manpig, Teapot, a returning Dan with Ned, Winfield, Wetfart, Linda, Able, Hotlips & Zoot, various tiny tots and lastly, the authors of the dastardly deed most foul - Poacher and his side-kick 69. The official roll was called at four score so I haven't done too badly. BroadS was recovering from his first half marathon at Bridport on Sunday but the Penners and Pan Fart/Bush Baby are still missing in action - it's only been a fortnight but we miss you already.

The harbingers of doom continued to mount with Piltdown's pre-circle announcement that the car park was fee paying until 8 pm (WHAT?) and we could take our chances or cough up two squid. Not being a fan of feeding meters, whatever their calling, I repaired my silver chariot across the bridge and into the last free slot, reassuringly cctv protected, before dancing gaily (I was still full of misguided hope) back in time to hear the Poacher preaching to the unsuspecting - longs that is as the shorts were to get off scot-free and reportedly had a gay old time of it in the bogs and tick-laden countryside... Well, slappeth my wrist, I am still drifting into melancholy and we haven't started yet..

The hares were determined to keep the show together - to the point that we had barely covered half a mile after a quarter of an hour. We can all agree what Poacher's reaction would have been if this had happened to him on trail, but never mind, many liked the social togetherness and 'harmony' though the FRBs bit their lips and waited to be set free of their shackles. Mention should be made of Hagen Daz's lamentable call of on on when he had in fact only sighted two pieces of tissue paper - I wouldn't have dobbed him in but there was one close by with a horse's head hat lurking with narrowed eyes. I cannot name the miscreant as I fear he has it infamy [sic - obviously].

Eventually Poacher reluctantly relented and live laying, put the arrow down and the FRBs fled - only to be hampered by an iniquitous 'fish hook' with a 3. For those unacquainted with the hash legend, it meant that the first three hashers to reach the mark had to turn and go back to the end of the line. HA! That'll be the day... Poor Whisperer (playing the game, what a leg end) was heavily inconvenienced by the mischievous mechanism.

At the VP (was that you Wiggy atop the high rocks?) and pretty sketching courtesy of 69, we briefly paused before legging it out into the boondocks and a succession of checks with Beefy, Runner Bean, Ollie and Fukarwi doing sterling service checking them out.

The usual band of cronies - Fukarwi, Manpig, Runner Bean, Ollie, Beefy and Forrest were joined by Dan (and muttley Ned) who looks like a natural on only his second appearance. There was also a little lad prancing alongside us but who he belonged to escapes me. Close behind, Pork Torpedo and Pisswell were keeping up with the action.

A blur of rocky, fern strewn descent was negotiated with Beefy struggling with the settings on the GM's phone to get footage until the gentle babbling sound of water alerted us to the proximity of the Dart. And yes, there it was to our left and a shout from a scout [sic] struck horror into my soul: 'River crossing!' My heart sank [double sic] as I recalled the Galmpton creek disaster and the death of my Acme cam (great evening that). On closer inspection, however, it didn't look that bad and over we all waded without much trouble... BUT... we were only halfway across, an island strip dividing the river and the second span was the main one with faster flowing currents - oh dear, oh dear, remember that bad feeling I had before the run, Dan and Fukarwi?

The crossing looked a little gentler upstream and with a fearsome (some say stupid) battle cry of 'Do I look like a Wally!' I attempted a solo crossing. All went well until there was barely five metres left and that's where it went horribly wrong. A slight slip and in a vain attempt to keep the cam dry (no waterproof housing) I lifted it aloft as I went chest high, then the current swept me away and the cam slipped from my nerveless grasp to be lost forever in the black depths of the Dart.

'GONE, GONE, GONE!' came the anguished cry but the others had their own problems and barely noticed. Beefy was having a torrid time keeping the GM's phone from the same fate and assisting Pisswell at the same time. Pork Torpedo was making slow headway across a little further down and Runner Bean, Manpig, Forrest and Fukarwi watched helplessly from the other side as the saga unfolded.

It did get a little more serious as the current carried me into the middle of the river and the fast moving white water. Possibly sensing the danger, Ollie entered the river to make sure I wasn't swept away to join my cam in the hereafter. I would have been very worried if it hadn't been for some strong hashers close at hand.

Well, worse things happen at sea and eventually, we all made it safely to the other side and it was a pleasant but soggy run back to the chariots. A trail to remember indeed!

Our On Down at the Tavistock Inn fully lived up to the alarming Trip Advisor reviews and I can only say that the gentleman serving us was unable to comprehend what hashing was all about. Arriving a little late as parking was limited as Soapy had warned, hashers were queuing outside the entrance and there were disgruntled shouts as I called to Bobby to get me a pint (thanks Bob). The Ringwood brewery offering of Boon Doggle was a strange one, I wasn't even sure it was a beer but once sampled, it could have been a mistaka to mix with something else.

All beers were at a reasonable £3.70 agogo and when the Avocet was finished, the solitary bartender was unable to get another on tap such was the madding throng.

Teapot was not happy with his visit to the bar to ask for the down down drinks. We appreciated that we would have to do the awards outside but the management apparently would have preferred if we hadn't done them at all and the Hash had to pay for the drinks. Suffice it to state that we would not be going back to the Tavistock Inn anytime soon. However, top marks for the hares arranging a visit,

something different wasn't it? A lovely old inn and management aside, most enjoyable to sup a pint within its atmospheric walls .

There may not have been a welcome at the inn but TVH were unfazed by it all and partied as usual outside on the terrace. The trail will be remembered by me for some time and the hares can justifiably be proud of their efforts.

Poach and 69, despite my ramblings and rants, done for effect as you probably know, I really did have a high old time of it out there. What an adventure to treasure for my remaining days. The cam was on its way out anyway so an upgrade will be welcome. Thanks lads!

WINFIELD'S WISDOM & AWARDS

The pair laid a devious route with plenty of false trails almost leading us through bogs, then on up with many great views and down, to the river Dart, which Bluebird managed to drop his camera into while crossing!. On after to the Tavistock Inn where the real "Basil Fawlty" was reluctant to serve anything!

But a great evening in spite of all of this with the Awards presented to ....

No 69 Joint hare held responsible for all of the shiggy etc!

JUST COMING for trying to kill the ticks by peeing in the bushes.

SLIP on ME saying "i'll have some of that"...but not meaning a DD!

BOBBIBALL renamed "Wee Bobbi" at the Away Event.

50 Runs Badges awarded to T.HUMPER and I'POOD

Finally the young Hashers were named

CHECKMATE and GOLDEN BALLS

one who chose our RA to drink up for him!

Well done the Hares!

* Bobby's bloodshot eye prompting a comment that he had been in a fight.

ON ON to next week and Brixham Rugby Club TQ5 9ED (Wigwam & Bobbiball)

INTRAVENOUS BEER DRIP, THE HILLS WERE ALIVE & THE EVERLASTING £20 NOTE

Run #1806 from the Red Rock Brewery, Bishopsteignton with Shitfaced & Only Here For The Beer

So back we came with a willing heart to the brewery with a welcome for the third edition* of 'a P**s up in a Brewery' and all the hares had to do was organize the proverbial. However, it was quite a bit harder than that as all hares very well know...

After perusing video footage (no, sadly I can't do it from memory Fukarwi) I could see nigh on fifty at the circle with a few stragglers arriving afterwards. Here, along with observation notes, are those I saw:

GM Shitfaced, Only Here, Winfield, Piltdown, U Bend, 'Poles' Piddler, Woof Woof (welcome back), Hagen Daz & Budgie Smuggler, SatNav, 3Sum (loved the flowery dress), Twinkletoes, Zorro, Rise n Shine, Manpig still standing after laying and running A2B, BroadS complete with some hi-tech equipment (intravenous beer drip) he was trialling for an upcoming half marathon, SM Ellie, Flasher back from injury, Beefy, Wiggy & Bobby wisely Panzerless but becycled, Rambo & Doris, Slip on Me, Libby, Linda, a trio of virgins: Holly, Brenda and Dan, Hotlips & Zoot, T Humper, I-Poo'd, Getting Wet & Never Wet, Just Cummin back from hols, Fukarwi in Daz bright tee shirt, Coldtits, Deep Semen & Hot Boiler (let out at last), BB, Forrest, Pork Torpedo & Hornie, Nikki, Able, Wetfart, Jackie, Kermit, Mateus Rose, Archangel.  Trust that Teapot and Runner Bean recover from their various ailments in time for next week.

Must admit to being somewhat bemused by the 'Brenda' question by Piltdown which BroadS knew all about.

Three trails were described by the hares, walkers about two, shorts three and five miles for the longs with one L/S split and marks on the right - nice and straightforward and off we went with Flasher leading as we turned out of the drive.

Lovely tarmac and downhill to get us going early on and Flasher drifted away to soon disappear from sight. Unfortunately, we didn't have the opportunity of seeing which way he went at the first check situated on Half a Leg corner.**  A quick consultation took place with newbies to the game Dan and Holly listening intently to see if they could make sense of it all.  The bat was loathe to continue up the rock strewn path, recalling the same point a year ago when Poacher was led astray by the same hare. 'On one!' was called but still a reluctant little huddle hesitated. 'I still say it isn't up there,' persisted the batty one. 'On two..... ON ON!' Drat and double drat. Pork Torpedo took great delight in the bat's batty radar and after eating a hefty slice of humble pie, we continued. 

I will give Fukarwi top marks for being able to keep running even on the steepest ascents but a hasher was able to overtake him walking - never mind old mate, you tried.

'You're going the Wong Wei!' shouted Bobby Lance*** who alarmingly appeared careering towards us downhill as we valiantly mountaineered. That was in very poor taste Bobby.

Our two Premier division hashers, Flasher and Beefy were scouting far ahead but the Division 1 team was forming up behind.  Hagen Daz is training up Budgie Smuggler and they can certainly go a bit; Manpig (I'd love to know what he was taking to still be able to run after Saturday's exertions); Fukarwi, BroadS still imbibing from drip and Zorro (AH3 mover of some renown) were duking it out;  Dan, Holly and Ned (the pooch) were keeping up with little difficulty and Forrest with Muttley in tow, made up the pursuers. I didn't find out who Woof Woof was running with - perhaps deep in conversation but she could easily have been up at the front with her talent.

A picturesque little wooded section was overgrown with trailing brambles ('little pricks' according to 3Sum) and BroadS was hurdling them with alacrity until I put the mockers on it by stating how impressed I was at his nimbleness. Sorry I dobbed you in my son, but it had to be done.

The trail was very well thought out and marked with great views out over the Teign and the longs were in hashing heaven.  The hills were alive [sic] to the joyous cries of delight -  particularly the last section climb from Great Furlong to Humber Lane - loved it hares and wanted more!  A trademark of a sound trail is the intermingling of the shorts and longs and this occurred on the climb to Humber Lane.

About fifty minutes trucking and five miles was perfect - a Five Star trail in my book and set us up nicely for the Red Rock beer (and pies).

You were lucky if you could find a seat in the Red Rock and there was an anxious queue at the bar. The pies proved popular - only one left after three dozen sold to replete hashers. An excellent (as always) atmosphere prevailed and Manpig orchestrated the downdown entertainment to perfection.  Always Wet heroically came to the aid of Never Wet when she faltered with her DD and Holly learnt to be careful with her observations on trail - there's always someone listening for a good story. Archangel reported that Only Here for the Beer is now Only Drinking Cider so perhaps he should be renamed Rosie - No? Well please....

I have to mention (mainly to remember for next time) my failure to spend anything on the night. No, it wasn't for the want of trying.  Manpig had kindly brought Fukarwi and me a pint out to the cars while we were changing which slipped down without touching the sides.  Fukarwi hatched a cunning plan to jointly go halves for a return round and then refused my £20!  A bit later the same happened with Wiggy and then to top it all, I couldn't even pay for a bag of crisps!  It's not very often you can have a great night out without spending a red cent! Next time lads.

WINFIELD'S WISDOM AND DOWNDOWNS

Hash 1806 at The Red Rock Brewery Bishopsteignton with Hares Shitfaced & Only Here for the Beer. The pair marched us up and up to little Haldon, then down down again, but it was good to see the Longs puffing past us after their route down to Bishopsteignton!
Awards for the evening were presented to...
VIRGIN Hasher HOLLY who pointed out Teignmouth when it was Bishopsteignton where she lives!
NEVER WET who failed to hear the ON ON call as she was wearing headphones!
THREE SUM in the bush said the Trail was full of " Little Pricks" ??
ONLY here for the BEER who was held responsible for THAT trail!.
A great trail and evening especially with the in demand pie's !! Thank you.

* Last time we visited:  #1781 Monday 11th February. 

** #1755 Mon 13th August from the Red Rock Brewery.

*** Armstrong!

We look forward to our next visit to the Red Rock, well done the hares!

ON ON to next week and Circle up from Newbridge CP Ashburton Dartmoor TQ13 7NT OD: TBC . (Poacher & No69)

THEY SHIRLEY SHOT SHIRLEY SO HERE ARE THE WORDS

Run #1805 from Ipplepen FC with Wet Johnny & Erection

 

A high turnout (59), with a wet theme: Wetfart, Getting Wet, Never Wet, Wet Wipe and Wet Johnny - though the forecast rain fortunately didn't arrive. For reference (no Teapot so difficult to assess numbers) here is the roll:

 

Wiggy & Mrs S, Pan Fart & Bush Baby, Forrest, G-string, Rearender, Piltdown & Georgy P, Rambo & Doris, GM Shitfaced, Archangel, Runner Bean, Plonker, Ollie, Manpig, Fukarwi, T Humper, I-Poo'd, Getting Wet, Never Wet, Beefy, Zorro, Twinkletoes, Rise 'n Shine, Mateus Rose, Soapy, Pork Torpedo & Hornie, Winfield, Wetfart, Wet Johnny, Erection, Hagen Daz & Harry, Twin Buffers, 3Sum, Satnav, Nikki, Only Here, Able Semen, Hotlips & Zoot, BB, Rent Boy, Triple Jump, virgin Jacky + Linda and Libby, Wet Wipe, SM Ellie, BroadS, Fallen Woman & Broken Man, Pisswell, U Bend, Slip on Me, Coldtits . (59)

Lovely Lauren, the Rowcroft rep, had many a heart a fluttering at the circle, including the GM who declared that he was in love - but weren't we all?  A mini Rowcroft pep talk was delivered, culminating in the presentation of the monies raised at our Red Dress extravaganza the previous week from the admirable Park Inn.  On behalf of Migman's family, Wigwam unfurled the scroll bearing the legend 'Teign Valley H3 have raised an amazing £291.47 in memory of hasher Migman' - a  touching moment greeted with deserved applause.

The GM continues his development, a Superman cape (believed to be courtesy of Libby) added to his Staff of Moses. We await, with some trepidation, further accoutrements to his garb - perhaps a crown to set it all off nicely? Teign Valley continues to live up to its original mantra of The Party Hash.

Triple Jump, still on a roll (Libby and Linda), enlisted Jacky to the merry throng,

Nice to see Rearender back again, nearly a regular with two visits in the past year.

G-string still inseparable from Pepper (think that was the name) the pup, Fukarwi unknowingly wearing a natty purple Rowcroft tee shirt, Zorro (AH3 mover) and Twinkletoes, Wet Wipe from Land Ho (think about it), Hagen Daz and soon to be named Harry back from a few week's absence and also Rent Boy from afar were some that caught the eye.

Hare Wet Johnny revealed the agenda as being 2 L/S splits with the well-attended walkers' trail of about 2 and 1/2 miles; the short about four and the first long at six but also an extra road long for the warriors augmented with a SS along the way. With the rider that cards were good to go in the bar and hash grub at £2.50 in the pot, the show got on the road.

Loathe as I am to use the term, the trail was indeed something of an epic with a nigh on mighty nine miler recorded by our stalwarts.

Yes, it proved to be a runners' trail set by hardy hares who know what the FRBs like and they were not disappointed.

A walkers' lament was the absence of a SS, though the longs were in need of calories to sustain them on their journey.

Manpig narrowly avoided a DD from Beefy for knowing where the trail was going most of the time which was most helpful for running buddies Zorro, Fukarwi and BB. Climbing above the Bickley Mill, Manpig was all for careering past the SS sited higher up the meadow giving rise to an accusation of the trio being SCBs. Oh deary me, that'll never do, Beefy - completely unintended we assure you.

Horsey Horseface was given a canter and was omnipresent throughout the run as revealed by Beefy's photologue - happy days for Horsey.

Shamefacedly, I have to hold my hand up to only being able to complete the 'short' six mile long, a combination of factors preventing the completion of the naughty nine:  Heart rate unsustainable, dodgy right knee, knowing that the beer was near, being but three reasons to abort to the bar.

Made of sterner stuff, Manpig and Fukarwi pushed on in the long gone footsteps of Beefy, Runner Bean, Ollie and Plonker. Well done lads, I'll be back with you soon. How soon?  Very soon.

It was packed to the rafters back in the clubhouse with Clive and Dave dispensing (very reasonably priced) bottled beers from the cabinet, Hobgoblin and London Pride proving the most sought after tipples. Wet Johnny and Erection were scurrying around, preparing the food and all was well with the hashing world.

WINFIELD'S WISDOM AND AWARDS

Trail 1805 on Mon 29th from Ipplepen Football Club with Hares Wet Johnny & Erection,.who had laid a long ( for some) testing ! trail out along the lanes fields and hills! around Ipplepen. The big turnout of Hashers saw the cheque presented to Rowcroft from the Red Dress run proceeds raised in memory of MIGMAN last week and later enjoyed the excellent food and drinks laid on by the Hares and the Football Club.
The DD Awards for the evening were presented to ....
WET JOHNNY for THAT trail !
WIGWAM (Hashit shirt) who managed to delete all of his phone contacts?
Zoot (Ceremonial Bat Hat)  for her "Nice Pants"comment to Only Here in the car park.
U-BEND (Horsey Horseface Hat) who called Beefy " Dear!"
HARRY who is now forever to be known as BUDGIE SMUGGLER
Well done all for a great evening!

Perhaps the Days are Going Down in the West as I sat alone at the bar when all but Wet Johnny and Erection remained doing the washing up.

As I close, please singalong with me my hashers' lament. I think you know the song:

How many hashes can I finally run
Before I cash in my chips?
How many streams must a blue bird cross
Before he takes his last dip?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a bat take to wing
Before it flutters to the ground?
The answer, my friends, is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind..

Lovely evening hares - that's all he wrote.

ON ON to next week and The Red Rock Brewery Bishopsteignton TQ13 9RG ( Shitfaced & Only Here /Beer)

#1805 Mon 29th July....

 .....Circle 7:15 at Ipplepen Football Club TQ12 5TT with Hares Wet Johnny & Co. Drinks will be as per last time - reasonably priced bottled beverages! Myself and Erection are sorting out some food - there will be sausages, chicken nuggets, potato salad, coleslaw, and a few rolls (cheese available for any veggies) at the bargain price of £2.50 per person. Once we have covered our food costs any extra money goes to the Football Club.Here is where we will be...

PARK INN'S RED DRESS RUN FOR MIGMAN & ROWCROFT

 

Run #1804 Monday 22nd July RED DRESS RUN from the Park Inn with GM Shitfaced

 

Homeric words none this week Beefy, although in truth, the preparations and work that went into the scheme were of epic proportion. Herewith are merely a few recollections of the excellent evening. 

 

The Grand Master's brainchild came to fruition: a Red Dress run to commemorate our dearly departed Migman plus a little fund-raiser for that most deserving institution - Rowcroft Hospice.

 

Difficult to establish numbers but I made at least fifty five at the circle with some arriving even as the Grand Master launched into his spiel.

 

The Red Dress code varied greatly from the glamorous to the grotesque and various local charity shops had been relieved of their red dress stock.

 

I was more than a little taken aback when Shitfaced outlined a four plus mile long, having an ill-founded belief that we would only be dancing around the block and back. Whatamistakatomaka..

 

A few sample memories of the attire on show:

 

3Sum was glamorous in a flowing dress, more befitting a Gala Ball.

Teapot hadn't removed the price tag from his red skirt, no doubt hoping for a rapid refund on Tuesday.

The Penners had managed to arrive without being pulled over with Wet Johnny care free in a daring off the shoulder number and the weight loss had certainly paid off for Erection who now looked to have a magnificent wasp waist in his easy on the eye garment. Manopause unfortunately could not have got away with going undercover - his bulk more menacing than dainty.

Absolutely Not Fabulous was Only Here who caused a minor sensation when he strode purposely to the bar for a pre-run fuel injection - words can hardly describe the awful apparition. A popular pose for the locals (snapped with supporting guffaws and giggles) was the disastrous double pose with Red Plastic Bertrand.

Soapy had to take care bending over as her assets were in danger of spilling out but in stark contrast, Melon Picker's knees and unshaven legs fell foul of the style police and he was given a stern warning not to repeat the abomination.

Wetfart was most miffed at being singled out by Teapot for failing to be red dressed - reminding his old friend that he was wearing his red football socks.

Mouldy emerged from his chariot with a fetching red housecoat which conveniently could be unbuttoned for the run.

Manpig had the right idea with one of his lady wife's shoulder (Teddy) bare summer dresses though the length was a little longer than ideal for running.

U Bend was Pretty in Pink and Bobby Woll appeared to be attired in a red cordite casing sleeve.

SM Ellie looked cool in her orangey-red creation though BroadS was justifiably uneasy in his tight-fitting dress.

Archangel rode in largely unnoticed on his super bright red composite cycle.

All were winners on the night.

 

Longs to the left and shorts to the right and, almost reluctantly, the longs set off, hashers still making final adjustments to their attire. As early as the first check I had brewed up and was forced to go topless from the Red Plastic Bertrand number. Sporting an airy little halter-necked party dress, Runner Bean pranced away with returning Ollie and Beefy. A red-wigged Wiggy's boiling point was imminent  and other red dresses were changing to a darker shade. Drinkers now had an even greater running problem than usual.

 

Back to the run and the shorts merged with the longs as we hit the Newton road. An early pit stop saw the GM ushering his red army into the back of the Lord Nellie for a tiny tot before decanting out the front and resuming the trail. Manpig informed us that he'd seen marks below his abode and the make your minds up point came at the L/S split. Manpig peeled off to his house to resume and complete the long with SM Ellie as Red Plastic Bertrand, BroadS and Erection acknowledged the waves and beeps from passing motorists.

 

Down the Old Newton Road, cut back inside the Barn Owl and thankfully back to the Park with about a four miler barely survived. You can't beat a Gun Dog and oh boy, it really went down a treat as we gradually assembled outside for the barbie and Downdowns.

 

DOWNDOWNS AND OTHER AWARDS

Erection (Ceremonial Bat hat) to ONLY HERE/BEER for jumping out of a car and running into the car park as though he had run the trail.

Deep Semen (Horsey Horseface Hat) to BEEFY for failing to wear something red on the run - though he did afterwards.

Piltdown (Pillock/hashit shirt) to 3SUM for not stopping at her house for hospitality on this occasion.

NAMING of ALOE VERA ('Allo Vera?) to Soapy's grand daughter with Soapy nominated to take the DD.

NAMING of PARK & RIDE for the esteemed landlord of the Park Inn.

Various bottles to noted red dress wearers:

PALMOLIVE  (prettiest - no arguments there) WIGWAM (most fanciable!)  SOAPY (best underwear - as always)  LINDA or LIBBY sorry ladies unsure who. (best cape - Superwoman) ERECTION (GM's favourite) and finally to FORREST (best polka dots).

 

So many to thank for the evening and I'm sure I have forgotten some so apologies if I have, no disrespect intended.

 

Park & Ride and his loyal staff (T Humper included), Soapy for her cakes, I-Poo'd for alcoholic fudge, Zoot for earrings, every one of you who made the effort and last but definitely not least, our Grand Master Shitfaced.

 

A memorable event and one which Migman would have heartily applauded. Thank you GM.

 

ON ON to next week and Ipplepen Football Club TQ12 5TT with Wet Johnny & Co.

TOUR DES RESERVOIRS WITH A SLIMMED DOWN ERECTION & A POKER FACED SEMEN

Run  #1803 Monday 15th July from Trenchford & Tottiford Reservoirs OD The Bridford Inn with Poacher & Deep Semen

Slowly did they trickle [sic] into the reservoir bridge car park which was soon full to overflowing [double sic] on a balmy evening for the continuing saga (some say charade) that is TVH. Forrest explained the reason for the heavily cratered and potholed eastern approach 'road' - it being unadopted, therefore not liable for council resurfacing and Bobby's Panzer would Shirley have perished here, Oh Dearly Suspension Smashed...

Evidently having the constitution of a cast iron cooking pot, Archangel managed (much to the surprise of T Humper) to make an appearance after reportedly downing double figures of pints at the Park on Sunday afternoon (cricket, you fools).

But never mind, the usual suspects and gang members did gaily cavort, mingle and gossip whilst an ever increasingly edgy Poacher kept muttering 'They've got a fair way to go, tell the GM to get going..'

Teapot duly declared that forty two were present, including two virgins, Kate and Edith, as well as returnees Getting Wet and Never Wet.

The Bestaffed One called his Merry Men & Women to order and manifold and mysterious were the messages that kept coming before mercifully, Deep Semen stepped up to the oche to deliver us all from Bananarama banality. 

With his utterance of a Magnificent Seven (1960) miler for the longs, he wuz Shirley preaching to the converted (FRBs you fools) but never mind, he added, 'It's all completely flat out there..' Well, nearly... and we were released into the wondrous Waterworld (1995) of the man made lakes..

Ready to RocknRolla (2008) were Flasher and a behorned Runner Bean who had already had a nice little three plus miler warm up from Bovey.

Mischievous indeed was Poacher's  indication of a Wong Wei from an early check - most longs were alerted and came back but Runner Bean and Manpig were out of earshot and Carried on Regardless (1961) Way Way Down into the boondocks before turning... sigh

After about two miles of scenic lakeside running, the dividing bridge betwixt Trenchford & Tottiford and the well-sited SS loomed.  A quick breather and off we set with just another five miles to gogo..

Up into the woods did we fearlessly foray Forrest, the scenery blurring with our perspiring tears and always omnipresent was the Deep Semen - studiously averting his gaze from the FRBs and their pleas for a pointer or three...

Tumbling down from a grassy lane, a crossroads of ultimate fear met our narrowed eyes. Beefy gave a thumbs down for the right and Flasher returned from the straight ahead saying it could be but it was so overgrown no marks could be seen. Shirley left was the only viable option and Flasher fled, a fast fading 'On one, on two' the only clues heard - and then, nothing. Flasher was last seen far away on the horizon, heading for the setting sun and cries of 'On YOU?' drifted unanswered on the wind. A second scout, Runner Bean was sent. 'On one, on two..' then an astonished 'A CROSS!!' Oh shamelessly feast in the Great Hall of Infamy, Flasher..*

Back we staggered to meet a tiny knot of longs awaiting wisdom - and a rather smug looking Semen.. HA!

Softly, softly, catch an FRB was SM Ellie who had a stress free Serena** as the snarling former FRBs were relegated to the longs.

Many a twist, turn and adventure followed, but I must report on gladiatorial glory seen along the highways and byways, Oh Dearly Didn't They Do Well..

Chasing after Mawgan (off the lead) Soapy was going like the clappers and the Wigster was wiggling well after stopping the rot. Ex Bolivian Boy Wet Johnny was starting to run lean and mean but the real eye-opener was Erection. After losing over two stone (and climbing) this was a running revelation revealed and now Team Penner Shirley is mob-handed with running (and drinking) ability.

A glazed-eyed Flasher rejoined the Fray Bentos but was now limping and only firing on three cylinders..

More mayhem materialised in a far flung field where an errant arrow sent Chief Scout Beefy on a wild goose chase as Deep Semen and his gleeful band of hangers-on continued the other way... sigh, we've been had again lads..

The only climb of note up Commons Hill brought us all back together and now it was down to the reservoirs again with BroadS feeling lucky, kicking in the turbo, the rotter.

Most Stravas read mid six miles though Flasher and Runner Bean reached ten plus and then it was pothole time again.  Without the lads navigating, I confess that I wouldn't have found the Bridford Inn, such were the tortuous twists en routey.

Ale of choice was the Exeter Brewery's Ferryman 4.2 abv and we were well looked after by the pub with a hash menu to boot.

Forrest was, uncharacteristically, in sombre mood at the bar. Languishing with his long-lasting back injury, his spirits were raised [sic] when Archangel got him a whisky pain-killer.

Well hares, we really loved the trail and what a beautiful evening to drink in the scenery.  There were few gimmes at the checks and Deep Semen kept us guessing for much of the trail - which is how it should be, I grudgingly concede.  Te saluto! I salute thee, Deep Semen & the Poach.

* It looked so good when I was writing it in delirium at 4 am

** Williams, No? Well please...

WINFIELD'S WISDOM & DOWNDOWNS

#1803 Mon 15th July at Trenchford Reservoir, high amongst the hills and forests above the Teign Valley, with Hares Deep Semen & Poacher.There were at lest 3 possible routes to the circle, where at least 40 keen Hashers did eventually find this secluded spot. It was a great sunny evening where the hares had laid several great trails around this very scenic area and later at OD Bridford Inn Bridford there was good food and a beer before it was time for the "Offenders" to step forward for their Awards....

DEEP SEMEN for (still) maintaining a poker face when asked for information on Trail!

ERECTION who was noted for his fast improving speed by a very concerned Bluebird!!

PILTDOWN MAN whose satnav setup took him in all possible directions around the area.

T.HUMPER who poured water over herself to give an extreme performance look before she finished.

ON ON to next week's eagerly anticipated RED DRESS RUN & BBQ from the Park Inn, Kingskerswell TQ12 5BQ with Shitfaced

Mon 15th Hash1803 Circle 7:15

 NOW near BRIDGE BETWEEN Trenchford & Tottiford Reservoirs grid ref SX 81099 82633 nearest code TQ13 9DP : OD. Bridford Inn Bridford with Hares Deep Semen & Poacher and here is where we will be....
Click on map to find your route

Memories on Trail 1802..

...Our GM proudly leads the way to the top of the mountain!. Piltdown at the Teignmouth Trig point and with Georgy serving up the strawberries high above the river Teign on a great evening

BETTER FLEE THE EIGER SANCTION, KATHMANDU COMMUTE & A SSSS

Run #1802 Monday 8th July from the London Inn at Shaldon with Piltdown & Georgy P'orgy

Holiday time and high summer approaching meant that Shaldon was sardine rammed with visitors. Georgy's directive that parking might be problematic proved spot on and village spaces were very hard to come by though U Bend's super chariot remarkably slotted in right next to the green.

Riding shotgun with Bobby Woll, it was a wise decision to Panzer park in the main Ness car park with Manpig having the same idea, arriving in the lady wife's chariot.

Hashers were milling around and congregating on the green and a goodly turnout it seemed to be (Teapot called it at 44) with a few unfamiliar faces. Three newbies were noted, including Mousegrass from Kathmandu - and that's one helluva commute.

Good to see Klingon, who has been racking up the miles lately; BroadS and Coldtits had all of a mile walk from Teignmouth and Wetfart from across the water also put in one of his infrequent appearances.

Quite a lengthy process at the holiday circle but worthy of note was Piltdown's victory lap of the green after winning the GM's star prize question. After calming down, Piltdown was joined by co-conspirator Georgy to outline what wuz waiting for us out there. 'About 5 for the longs, 3 1/2 for the shorts and a walkers' trail plus a SS' was discerned in the usual chaos and the starter's gun fired to release the warriors and gentle joggers all.

Plonker - still good to gogo after Saturdays's torrid A2B ten plus miler (and a still dehydrated Manpig), just managed to slam the brakes on before charging into the Teign estuary... sigh. Manopause was a reluctant leader as the FRBs gathered themseves for the inevitable frenetic fray. Beefy was quick on the draw to get a vid clip of the charge as the flat tarmac had the pace really rolling. Poacher/Cider, Flasher (completed the across Tor Bay and back swim on Saturday), Runner Bean, Plonker, BroadS (putting himself about this evening and fresh from a PB 5K Promenade Parkrun) Polyfella, Beefy, Manpig and the crazed Bat - yes, Oh Dearly Frantic, we were Shirley frying tonight..

The de rigueur silly sod loop took the longs around about, hereabouts and thereabouts afore returning through the village and WHOA! hard a starboard up Homeyards, botanical gardens bound - the lads going too quickly to spot it and recalled by an observant Beefy. Now it was Game On and the pace was still high Harry. Hitting the main road and seeing the OH across the road it was spin a coin left or right until the hares drove past up the hill!

Back down to the Ness and golf course and the hares' wilful design became clear - Yes Oh Dearly Alarmed, we were going to take on the Eiger Sanction!

And there it was, high above the Ness headland in all its savage glory - only three tenths of a mile in length but a net ascent of some 250 feet - the pain, the pain, the almost unbearable pain.. I cannot possibly tell you the expletive uttered by BroadS as he hit the steepest section but he was evidently well-impressed by the gradient grave..

Most walked but a lone hasher - young Polyfella - kept on truckin' earning the respect of 4 star FRB Runner Bean. And then after blessedly cresting the summit, the Labrador bends beckoned. The Bat was in home territory now and the climb to the road crossing was much easier. There was only one way the trail could go from here - up to the Beacon and there awaiting us was the SSSS manned by Slip on Me and Georgy P. 

Neatly set out on trays were hand-crafted milk, dark and white chocolate covered strawberries - yet another TVH Simply Sensational Sweetie Stop, well done Georgy!

The FRBs didn't tarry long and the battle commenced as we gleefully descended the mile long Better Flee Lane. No, NOT Butterfly Lane as the maps would lead you to believe, Oh Dearly Name Corrupted as this was the very lane that led from Fire Hill* to the grisly gibbet at Forches Cross and not many people know that, Oh Dearly Educating Rita.

Hard right at Forches Cross of old and more glorious rapido tuxedo descent along the aptly named Long Lane for us to rush. The trail kept us guessing and it was the five and a bit miles as promised by Piltdown - though the trudge back up to the Ness CP was an unwelcome extra.

The London Inn was packed out with eaters but we had the outside area to ourselves and they had Proper Job which went down a treat.

Getting my second Proper Job at the tiny bar and in came Archangel. 'I bet you haven't done the trail!' quoth the Bat - but he had, Beacon and all! I doff my Bat hat  to you, Archangel.

WINFIELD'S WISDOM & DOWNDOWNS

An ‘energetic’ trail which lead us around the narrow streets of Shaldon before taking the L/S on a testing climb with great views!! to Bundle Head then on-on up to the Trig point for a Strawberry stop!.

The "Awards" for the evening were presented to:-

POLYFELLA WHO KEPT ON RUNNING UP THOSE HILLS!

ABLE SEMEN WHO COMPLAINED "NOT THAT HILL!"

RUNNER BEAN FOR TRYING NOT TO WEAR THE BAT HAT, now has the Cow Hat!

MOUSEGRASS OUR VISITOR,WHO LIVES IN KATHMANDU.

* Ancient name for where the Beacon/trig point is now sited

Not often do I have the luxury of a lift and long-suffering Bobby had to wait for the four or so pints of Proper Job to be Bat-imbibed before the second trudge back to the Panzer. A made to measure trail for the longs and a splendid evening enjoyed by all, thank you, Piltdown and Georgy.

ON ON to next week and mark the NEW instructions carefully please:  NOW near BRIDGE BETWEEN Trenchford & Tottiford Reservoirs os ref 50°37'52.9"N 3°40'57.6"W nearest code TQ13 9 OD. Bridford Inn Bridford (Deep Semen & Poacher)