Friday 29 April 2022
'THE ONLY WAY IS UP' by Man-Pig
TVH3 The Words for 25th April 2022 - Bridford Inn, Teign Valley
Run No. 1914
HARES: Forrest Stump & Man-Pig
Who
wuz there: Forrest-Stump, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Arkangel, Pollyfella,
Only Here for the Beer, Piltdown Man, Georgy-Porgy, Rambo, Fallen
Woman, Coldtits, Piddler, Strap-On, Pisswell, Krystyna (Pisswell's
friend), Swinger, Well Hopped, Wood-Lend, Warmfront, Pork Torpedo,
Horny, Wet-Johnny, Erection, Manopause, Melon-Picker, Soapy,
Slip-on-Me.
The Circle
The
bright sunny weather, and the promise of one of Forest's excellent
trails, combined to result in a full 27 souls making the long journey
to Bridford (not Cridford and not Bradford!). Well, not Cridford for 26
out of 27! It further resulted in an above average number of hashers
electing to do the Longs. In fact I understand that 14 Hashers
undertook the Longs....and well worth it. A testament to the quality of
Forest's trails.
Forrest's
description of the trail was brief to say the least. He dropped a
handful of sawdust on the ground and said, "The marks look like this".
And, with that, we were off.
The Trail
The
trail took us back up the village and left past the church. At the
rear of the church was the first Long/Short split. The Longs went left
and around the newish (4 year old) footpath/boardwalk before looping
around the top of the village. At this point the usual suspects were
FRB'ing: Wood-Lend, Warmfront, Wet Johnny, Pollyfella, Erection,
Manopause - no Beefy this week. Beefy is now covid negative but still a
little drained. But where were Pisswell and Krystyna? We assumed that,
as she had her friend with her, she might opt for the Shorts or the
Walkers. What a foolish thought to entertain?
The
Longs came to a check at the entrance to a ploughed field and, sure
enough, this proved to be the trail. After only 50 yards of field, it
was back into a landscaped part of the village that I've never been to.
One part of it is a small, nicely mowed, area. It has an arc of steps
and looks a little like a very small Roman amphitheatre.
Trying
hard to keep up with Wood-Lend, we re-entered the village above the
church to rejoin the Shorts' and the Walkers' trails. The first check
had been kicked out and we headed down Pound Lane catching up with the
last of the Walkers, Arkangel, Fallen Woman and Slip-on-Me. The next
check had also been kicked out. It was right and down the footpath that
takes you past Pook's Cottages. All very picturesque. On running down
the access road to Pook's VCottages, I passed Shitfaced and Only Here
for the Beer. "There's a lot of downhill here Man-Pig", was Shitfaced's
comment. I looked dead ahead to the enormous wooded hill in front of
us. "Not for long", I replied.
At
the bottom of the access road, we came to the minor road that connects
Bridford to Christow. It was straight across and to the Walkers/Long
& Short split where Forrest was waiting for us with some new
instructions. "If you are not a fit Short, you may want to do the
Walkers' trail?".
The
Walkers and sensible Shorts, went straight up the woodland steps that
would eventually take them up past Scatter Rock Quarry. This is about a
150m change in elevation but, believe me, this was by far the easiest
option. Forrest had got permission (well, so he says) to run on private
land. This had the Longs and the fitter Shorts climbing over a gate
marked "Private Property. No Entry" in ready typescript.
The
trail then took us in a long loop past another disused quarry until we
came to a peculiar mark on the ground - a fishhook with the number 8
below it. Dutifully, Manopause, Erection, Swinger and Well-Hopped
waited for the co-hare to arrive before setting off again. However,
where were Wood-Lend, Warmfront, Polyfella and Wet-Johnny?
By
this time, Pork Torpedo, Horny and Piddler (sans ski poles) had
caught up and we set off on the trail again. Just as we rounded a bend
to our right, our hearts sank. What appeared before us was a dead
straight clearing in the woods for as far a the eye could see. It was a
very steep incline and looked for all the world as though it should
have a ski lift running up it it. In fact, if you'd thought this you'd
very nearly be right. This is because in 1913 a cable car system was
built here by German engineers. This was to transport ore from the
quarries all the way down to Christow railway station. It was just as
well that the Germans had finished building it in 1913 or they would
have spent the next 4 years in an internment camp!
Earlier
in the day, when laying the trail, I had seen seven deer along this
part of the trail. All very rewarding to see nature in their natural
habitat.
After
a 400 yard climb, the trail took us right and across an open field and
over a dry stone wall and back into woodland but, then, no trail. This
is where the Hares had got disorientated for the best part of an hour
earlier in the day.
Man-Pig,
Pork Torpedo, Horny and Piddler were at the back of the pack, or so we
thought. We followed a couple of marks till they ran out and then,
trusting to Hare's insider knowledge, continued downhill off-trail. It
would only be a matter of time before we rejoined the Walkers' trail.
Eventually, back on trail we ran uphill to where Forrest had relaid the
dodgy steep descent through the woods. Forrest was dutifully calling to
make sure that no-one got lost in this, the most challenging, part of
the trail. Forrest confirmed that everyone else had been through and
that we were the last. Well, not quite. No-one had seen Pisswell. Had
she elected to do the walkers' trail and was now well in front of us or
was she at the back of the Long? Only time would tell.
Forrest
said that he would wait a while and keep calling whilst the four
tail-end charlies continued up to the gorse heathland. We passed a
field full of llamas who, apparently, spat at Forrest, this was just
before joining the lane that links Hennock with Bridford.
An
arrow had us running up this lane for 400 yards towards Hennock and
past a filed full of sheep and gambolling lambs. Just past this field
was another Walkers/Long & Shorts split at Middle Hole.
We
all elected to carry on past Higher Hole and Heckland to a T-junction.
An arrow guided us right, but only for 50 yards to a check. This had
been kicked-out straight on towards the Clampitt Plantation and Kennick
Reservoir.
Just
past Clampitt House was the last of the Long/Short splits. It was
8.35pm and just beginning to get dipsey. Pork Torpedo asked how far the
Longs was. "About a mile and a half longer than the Shorts but a
straightforward run", answered the co-hare. Pork Torpedo and Horny
courageously opted for the Long. Excellent. A reticent Piddler was left
with the choice of a lonesome run on the Shorts or do the Longs. Pork
Torpedo agreed that we should stick together as a group and so the
Famous Four sallied forth to engage with the final Long.
This
took us first straight and then right past the piggery. We were on
main paths and heading towards the reservoir. At our nearest point to
the reservoir, a kicked-out check had us running up the last hill of
the evening. Thank goodness. This took us across the Laployd Plantation
heading for the Beacon Plantation; these are all fir tree plantations.
Just as the hill levelled off, we came to the penultimate check. It
was then right and along a trail that leads to the edge of the
plantation above an escarpment with lovely views across the fields.
Horny commented, "Not a man-made structure in sight, lovely". She was
right.
A
little further we came to a large rock that had been eroded away at
its base. This could provide shelter in the event of a downpour. It
also had the letters "PR" written next to it in sawdust. What has
Forrest been up to now? Apparently, when Pisswell had first seen this
rock many years ago she asked Forest about its name. Forrest didn't
know its name so he notionally named it, "Pisswells Rock". Hence the
PR.
A
little further on, we came to the last check - kicked-out of course.
Another 300 yards and an arrow directed us left. We had joined up with
the Shorts. Unsurprisingly, no Shorts in sight. It was distinctively
dipsey now so time for the torches. However, Horney and Piddler had no
form of illumination. That wasn't really a problem. Man-Pig and Pork
Torpedo had torches and it was a simple 3/4 mile straight path back to
the pub. The only issue being tree roots for the first 300 yards. The
final leg back to the pub had us rejoin the Walkers' trail just above
Lower Hole. We all commented on how lovely the old granite house looked
at Lower Hole. At this point the footpath widens to a vehicular track
that is tarmac...... in places. At the bottom of the track we crossed
Rookery Brook. This is where the Hares had realised that they had far
too much sawdust left over. For, in front of us were two "OH" signs.
One was huge with a smily face.
The
last 200 yards took us up a slight incline, past the Old Rectory, and
back to the pub. It was 9.15pm and 5.9 miles on the clock. Well done to
Piddler, Pork Torpedo and Horny for keeping me company on the Longs. I
really had thought that I'd be doing it on my lonesome.
And
a well done to Forrest. Another excellent trail as many had commented
on in the pub. Well up to your usual very high standards.
The Down-Downs
Back
in the pub Dale (or is that Darren?), the Landlord, had saved some
scoff for latecomers. Sausage and chips at £5 a head. It was a tad late
so it was pretty much straight into the Down-Downs. Forrest tossed a
coin to decide who would be RA for the evening. Forrest won....or should
that be lost?
The
first award of the evening was lost property. Shitfaced had found a
pair of glasses in the pub car park. These proved to be Forrest
Stump's. Fortunately, we had the Teign Valley songmeister with us for
the evening. Accordingly, Pork Torpedo led the down-downs with:
"He doesn't kiss the girls anymore.
He likes them short and hairy.
Whoops he's a fairy"....down, down, down etc.
Next
up was Forrest himself. This time looking someone deserving of the
Baby Bat Hat award. This went to Horny for alleged interminable
whingeing about the trail. After a bit of reticence, Pork Torpedo fired
up with a very fast ditty. Something about barrels and
orrifices.....splendid!
Next
it was Man-Pig's turn to find a suitable recipient for the substitute
Jester's Hat. There then followed an exhaustive investigation into who
had been the first of the FRB's to ignore the fishhook. The suspects
comprised Wet-Johnny, Warmfront and Pollyfella. What followed was an
awful lot of finger pointing which ultimately lead the Pig to award the
hat to Wood-Lend. I'm afraid that I have no idea what song the
Songmeister came up with but it was short!
The
final award of the night was the other Jester's Hat. Wet-Johnny's
initial candidate had been Piddler for going to the Cridford Inn by
mistake - well, at least it wasn't Bradford! There followed a story
about using Google Maps to find the quickest route to Bridford from
Ipplepen. Having opted for the fastest route it wasn't long before they
found themselves crawling along the Teign Valley at a snail's pace.
This would be Warmfront on her bicycle holding everyone up. Once the
road straightened no cyclist could be seen. However, the lead car was
strangely familiar; a dark blue Mercedes SLK. This proved to be
Coldtits doing her best to save the planet be seeing if she could eke
out 40+mpg on the way to the pub. Coldtits was
driving....obviously....so elected to have water as a down-down. Again, I
cannot remember the down-down song. Suffice it to say that the
songmeister did us proud by treating us to a different song for every
down-down.
Coldtits
choice of water left a final half pint looking for an empty mouth.
Forrest put it to the floor to vote on. "Who should have the final
half? The Hare or the Co-hare?" The Co-hare was nominated and
dispatched the half in pretty swift order. Again, a different song from
the songmeister.
This
almost concluded the evening. Apart form another case of lost
property. Pisswell and her friend, Krystyna, were still out on trail and
Forrest was beginning to look worried. It was 10 o'clock and people
were leaving the pub. The pub was also scheduled to close at 10.30.
However, never fear. No hasher ever misses last orders. Sure enough,
Pisswell and Krystyna appeared at ten past ten....plenty of time to get
last orders.
Thankyou
to all who made the effort to come all the way out to Bridford,
especially Fallen Woman on the night before a 2 month extravaganza in
the camper van. That's dedication for you.
Next week
Station
Cafe, South Brent with Hare Man-Pig. Parking is just up the road at
the old railway station car park. The cafe was formerly the Oak Pub. It
has a good selection of bottled beers and usually does not do draught
ale. However, the landlord (ex-hasher) is putting on a pin (36 pints)
of Legend or Jail Ale especially for the hash. A hash menu is available
with a choice of vegetable chilli with tacos or mild chicken curry and
papadums for £6.
On-On to next week.
Thursday 21 April 2022
TVH3 The Words for 18th April 2022 Run No. 1913
The Passage house Inn, Kingsteignton
"Wot - No Checks?" by Man-Pig
HARE: Screwed and Bella
Who
wuz there: Screwed, Bella, Shitfaced, U-Bend, Man-Pig, Pollyfella,
Only Here for the Beer, Piltdown Man, Georgy-Porgy, Smellie, Teapot,
Rambo, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Coldtits, Piddler, Able Semen, Cheerio
Beerio, Forrest Stump, Jonathan (virgin).
The Circle
As
is frequently the case on Bank Holiday Mondays, numbers were a little
down when compared against the usual turnout. This evening we had 19
hashers including a virgin brought along courtesy of the Hare.
Shitfaced was back from a three week absence (must have been some 40th!)
and welcomed all into the circle. Shitfaced gave an announcement
regarding the following weekend's beer festival at Tucker's Maltings.
Historically a group from the Hash has attended the beer festival on the
Friday night. Shitfaced was planning on getting there around 3pm.
However, details of what time the Hash should aim to get there will be posted on the Hash Facebook page. So, watch this space!
Then it was over to introduce the virgin - Jonathan.
Q. "Who made you cum?"
A. "Cath....errr, I mean Screwed"
and, with that, Jonathan was duly anointed with flour by Teapot.
Able
Semen then stepped forward to remind all about the Friday 13th May
hash weekend in Exeter. It is a pay-as-you-go affair. Just turn up and
follow the marks. See Able in the pub for more details. From memory I
think it is kicking off at 7.30pm from the Mill-on-the-Exe.
Screwed
then came forward with details of tonight's trail. "There is a
Walkers', a Shorts' and a Long's trail. Longs 6. Shorts 3. Walkers 2.
The Longs' will join up with the Shorts' at St Michael's church. There
are no checks. I couldn't be arsed". Absolutely clear instructions but,
inevitably, they still befuddled poor old Piddler.
"There
is only one Long/Short split" seemed to clear the confusion i.e. don't
do the Longs' or you're committed to an additional 3 mile loop.
The Trail
No
checks. This was going to be novel. Well, not quite. Three years ago
Fukarewe set a trail with no checks in Broadhempston but failed to tell
anyone at the start. Screwed asked me to look after virgin Jonathan who
would be doing the Longs'. Now Jonathan is young, athletic and
carrying a backpack for extra weight. I rather feared that this was
going to be a fast run, especially without any checks!
The
trail took us onto the banks of the Teign estuary running back towards
Kingsteignton through Hackney Marshes. When we arrived at the new
cycle path, that links Newton Abbot to Kingteignton via the back of the
racecourse, we came to the only Long/Short split. Most of pack went
right on the Shorts' towards Kingsteignton. Jonathan and the Pig went
left towards Newton Abbot. But who was that in front of us? Was it a
Hasher? Whoever it was, he was motoring as we never caught him up.
Only
when we arrived at the sweetie stop did the penny drop. Our FRB was
Polyfella who had obviously fully recovered from injury. Crikey, he was
quick. No doubt on a mission to burn off all those extra calories
consumed during high tea at the Ivy over the weekend.
The
trail took us over the new cyclists/pedestrian footbridge at the
northwest corner of the Brunel Industrial estate before following the
lower parts of the River Lemon back towards Tuckers Maltings. Just
before the Maltings the marks took us over an elderly cast iron
footbridge and onto the tow path on the western side of the lower
reaches of the Stover canal. We followed the tow path upto Jetty Marsh
Road where we crossed and continued to follow the trail up the western
side of the Stover canal upto Teign Bridges and Gallows Cross.
The
marks were excellent; frequent and closely spaced. I have never been
on a trail that has been so well marked. However suspicion set in when,
just before, Teign Bridges, we encountered runners coming in the other
direction. I knew that Haldon hash were running from Twelve Twenty in
Newton Abbot this evening. Was it possible that we had got on their
trail by mistake and were running in the wrong direction? I didn't
recognise any of the oncoming runners and they were motoring. I
consigned myself to believe that they were probably Teignbridge
Trotters.....too quick for hashers.
Sure
enough, when we hit the old Exeter Road we came to an arrow. We were
on trail and going in the right direction. Thus far the marks had been
on both the left and right hand side of the trail. The marks took us
onto the northern side of Exeter Road and then onto a brand new bit of
cycle path and over a shiny new green bridge spanning the Teign.
Jonathan's insider knowledge came to the fore. "Screwed did say that we
went over a new bridge", so we were definitely on trail....but not for
long.
Somehow
we missed a mark that would have taken us right and back into
Kingsteignton via Broadway Road. Undaunted, Jonathan and the Pig pushed
on and took the next right onto Chudleigh Road past the school and
then hitting the centre of Kingsteignton on Newton Road. Due south to
the Kings Arms where we picked up the trail again....much to the relief
of Jonathan. Back on trail we followed the marks down Church Street
before loosing them in the Churchyard. We retraced our steps to find
the trail had run along the alleyway with Kingsteignton Bowling Club on
it. This is really quite unique as a small stream runs all along this
alleyway and the back of the houses can only be accessed by large
granite (occasionally concrete) slabs that span the stream. Straight
across Fore Street, past the Bell Inn and along Crossley Moor Road,
still following the stream.
At
the roundabout, it was right and up Longford Lane, across another
roundabout before turning left and up Longfield Avenue. Still we were
climbing. Turn right into Gate Tree Close and then right and up some
steps before finally arriving at the sweetie stop in the play park, the
view point.....and Bella's favourite tree.
"Are you the last of the Longs?" asked Screwed.
"We are the only Longs", I answered innocently.
"No. You are not. Polyfella was here ages ago".
Ah. Question answered. The fast fella infront of us at the start of the Long/Short split was a hasher after all.
Having
gobbled up most of the remaining sweets, hungry work this - running
with no checks - it was follow the footpath out of the play park.
Down
Warecraft Road and then left and back onto Longford Lane before turning
left onto Coombsend Road and crossing the footbridge over the A380.
Rejoining Coombesend Road on the eastern side of the dual carriageway
before turning right onto Coombesend Road East. Then it was across
Teignmouth Road and follow the public footpath that skirts the edge of a
large field above the Passage House Hotel. Just as we exited the field
we caught up with Rambo at the "On Home" sign. We had just beaten the
sunset and got back in daylight.
Despite
the absence of checks, or more probably as a result of the absence of
checks, it turned out to be a great runners trail - even if we never did
catch up with Polyfella. The marks were quite the best I've ever seen
on a trail. Frequent, yet discrete. And to round off a lovely run in
daylight, Jonathan bought me a pint. You can come again young man!
The Down-Downs
Now,
this is the bit that Bluebird usually edits and adds a bit of colour to
the Pig's otherwise boring weekly episode of War and Peace.
Regrettably, the Bird is poorly and I think that his Mum, on the cusp of
her 100th birthday, is a tad under the weather too. Hence a no show
from the Bird this evening. We wish them both a speedy recovery. The
awards were a little thin on the ground as some of the previous week's
recipients were absent.
First, a thank you to the pub for providing the Down-Downs. Then it was over to the awards for the evening's misdemeanours.
After
some chat and grammatical corrections regarding the corrupt, corrupters
and corruptees, Shitfaced awarded the Hashshit shirt to U-Bend.
Apparently this was for impersonating the GM at last week's circle.
Teapot
pulled the substitute Jester's hat from his bag and gave it to our RA
for the night, Forest Stump. Forest then awarded it to
Man-Pig.....something about pretty girls with big VW camper vans - or
thereabouts. Man-Pig even had to sing his own "Hold it your hand Mrs
Murphy...." song! What is the Hash coming to?
There
were two spare beers - courtesy of the pub. The first spare beer was
awarded to Forest Stump. This was because his dog, Perry, had a pee on
Able Semen's tyres. A note for the "Tyre Slasher".
Finally the last down-down was awarded to Screwed for laying the trail. Crikey, didn't it go down quickly!
Next week
Bridford
Inn with hare Forest Stump. That is the Bridford Inn in Bradford (hope
he means Bridford!); not to be confused with the Cridford Inn which is
not in Bridford!
On-On to next week if we don't all meet up at Tucker's Maltings beforehand!
Saturday 16 April 2022
TVH3 The Words for 11th April 2022 - Court Farm, Abbotskerswell - The Cloverleaf - Run No. 1912
by Man-Pig
HARE: Piddler
Who
wuz there: Piddler, Going Down, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Arkangel, Only Here
for the Beer, Piltdown Man, Smellie, Broadshit, Melonpicker, Soapy,
Wash 'n' Go, Aloe Vera, Teapot, Wetfart, Beefy, Pisswell, Rambo, Fallen
Woman, Coldtits, Tamsin (needs a name), U-Bend, Wet-Johnny, Erection,
Manopause, Strap-On, Mrs Strap-On (now Strap-Dancer), Bobbiball,
Screwed, Bella, Rise 'n' Shine, Mateus Rose, Teararse.
The Circle
In
the absence of our GM, U-Bend was notionally earmarked as stand-in RA
for the evening. Piddler's main concern seemed to be filling out a
questionnaire regarding who wanted a hot buffet and Pisswell was now
taking money.....still not sure what she was taking money for but she
had gathered £4 by the end of the evening.
U-Bend
welcomed everyone into the circle.....well, not quite everyone as
Tamsin snuck into the last available car parking space just as the
circle finished and Coldtits had yet to arrive. This was a bit of a
shame as the Hares instructions were.....errrrrrrm......baffling. "For
those people on the Longs, ignore the Longs' arrows!". Piddler then
went on to befuddle the easily befuddled even more. "There are three
loops. Each loop finishes back here at the pub. Make sure you return to
the pub and I shall direct you onto the next loop".
The Trail
Well, the instructions sounded simple enough. However they were predicated on two assumptions:
1) that hashers would all make it back to the pub - not necessarily a given
2) that Piddler would, indeed, be back at the pub to offer his divine guidance.....hmmmmmmm
The
Longs and the Shorts exited the pub car park via the pedestrian gate
to the left of the entrance drive. We then wound our way onto Slade
Lane in the centre of Abbotskerswell and the first Long/Short
split/loop and confusion. There were marks on both sides of the road.
Neither were dots. On one side of the road were lines of flour about a
foot long. On the other side of the road there were similar lines but
these were all accompanied by a flour "L". We assumed that the latter
must be the return leg of the loop.
The
Longs trail (if that was what we were on?) led us northwest along
Slade Lane before bearing right and up Ford Road. Beefy was the FRB as
the trail then went straight across Manor Road and followed the
footpath uphill and across an open field. Well, this is not entirely
accurate.
Up
until 3 years ago, the footpath did run through an open field that was
used for village fetes and children's games. For all practical purposes
it was used as the village green. Now the footpath is fenced in on
both sides. I don't know why it had been fenced in but it was a shame
to pass the 3 large oak trees, now inaccessible, in the middle of the
field. For many years I have run past these oaks and at least one of
them has always had a swing or a rope hanging off its boughs for the
children to play on........now nothing.
On
Stoneman's Hill our first check. Beefy went left whilst Man-Pig
checked right. Both were back checks. The only alternative was a dogleg
and onto the public footpath that would take us down to Decoy Woods.
This was going to be a long loop.
Wet-Johnny
led the pack down into the edge of Decoy Brake and another check.
Man-Pig went left only to find a false trail. Wet-Johnny had gone
straight ahead into the woods and was now calling "On-On" just as the
rest of the FRB's caught up. These comprised Broadshit and the
remaining Penners - Erection and Manopause. Other regular Longs were
not in sight. Smellie has a foot injury, Tamsin might still be
recovering from Covid and Arkangel was on-trail but conducting it at a
more leisurely pace.
I
was now at the back of the Longs, but not for Long as the FRB's had
overrun a junction and stumbled across another back check. I guessed
that Wet-Johnny was in front of me but I never did see him again till
the pub.
The
trail skirted the south western edge of Decoy Woods. Upon exiting the
woods onto a cart track we came to a check. Man-Pig was already
checking out the public footpath that runs southwest along a hedgebank.
Sure enough, at the end of the first field we came to the third mark,
"On-On". We crossed the corner of the second field before entering the
field with the deserted barn slap, bang in the centre of it. The last
time we ran through this field it was planted with maize 6 feet tall.
The
footpath rejoined tarmac on Priory Road. Behind me I could see
Broadshit, Beefy and the Penners. No sign of Wet-Johnny though. Was he
in front or behind?
Arriving
back at Court Farm car park, I caught up with Screwed, Bella and
Piltdown Man. They said that they'd been a little off trail and were
doing their own thing. In the absence of any sign of Piddler in the pub
car park I embarked on the second loop.
This
took us into the churchyard and immediately right and along the
footpath, crossing Corn Park Road before turning left onto Court Grange
Road. The trail took us onto the homemade cycle cross track that runs
parallel with the road for 200 yards. Back on tarmac and yet another
back check (Piddler really likes these!). A track marked as a public
footpath took us due south and almost to Whiddon Road and.....you
guessed it.....another back check! Back down the flooded footpath that
we've hashed along many times in the past.
At
the end of the perpetually flooded section of track, we turned right
and through a galvanised steel pedestrian gate. This had us traversing
the two fields that took us back to the pub on Wilton Way. This time
Piddler was present!
Q. "Where have you been Man-Pig?"
A. "Decoy Woods and then the second loop through the graveyard"
"You fool. You've done the third loop second"
"Well. You weren't in the car park to give directions!"
With
that, Piddler imparted the divine wisdom that had me on the
third/second loop down Grange Road before joining Wilton Way and
bearing right past the Butchers Arms. I wonder if it will ever reopen
as a pub? The out and return legs took us up a track that then narrowed
into a footpath. It was just getting dark and two torches were coming
towards me. It was Smellie and Anne on the Walkers trail. A quick
"Hello" and "Goodbye" and it wasn't long before I was in a field and
catching up with Arkangel just below the power pylons. We were having a
quiet conversation about Exeter Chiefs' win over Munster when the
peace was shattered by the Pillock with the small horn. Bluebird was
wandering around parts of the trail blowing his horn. Exiting the
field, we came to the final check which had been kicked out to the
right to the final (or should that be second?) return leg.
The
idea of setting a trail in the shape of a clover leaf is inspired.
However, it will always need co-ordination at its centre. It almost
worked. The publicised distance of 5 miles wasn't far off. My elderly,
and occasionally dodgy, Garmin recorded 5.43 miles; probably not far
off the mark.
Well done Piddler. You nearly pulled it off. Now, where is Coldtits?
The Down-Downs
Hashshit shirt absent as it is with Shitfaced.
Jester's hat from Manopause to Wet-Johnny for not shouting "On-On".....He's the meanest. He sucks etc.
Wet-Johnny gives baby bat hat to Beefy for wearing dodgy leather gloves on trail. A note for the rapist.
Piddler a very slow down-down for setting the trail.
Anne gets named Strap-Dancing.
Next week
Passage House Inn, Kingsteignton with Screwed as hare - no doubt assisted by Bella.
On-On to next week.
Friday 8 April 2022
A WARM FRONT PEDALS IN
Run #1911
Each
week I scan the Strava pages to study TV hashers' trail adventures.
This week, I was drawn to Beefy's stats from the AGPU trail. It seemed
to be a sustained run, averaging 8:15 mile pace over undulating terrain.
I
was puzzled as this week there didn't seem to be any FRB's who could
have kept him company and Beefy is not known for blasting a 'solo'
(unlike some I shall not mention).
Upon enquiring, all became clear. Read on, Oh Dearly Want to be Informed for Beefy's 'View from the Longs' ...
I
am, as some know, wont to be tardy leaving a Hash CP, and this week was
no different, having taken a video and faffed about trying to make the
Strava work.
So
who were the Longs? Well, I caught up with, and passed: Pisswell,
Arkangel, Erection and Manopause before the first check. In the distance
was Warm Front. But what was this?... none of the usual suspects: Big
End, Well Hopped, the 'Bird, the 'Pig and WJ himself, were missing.
Nothing
for it but to try to catch Warm Front. Easy! WF checked into a field
and I ran on to find three dots. I started to run back to call "On" but,
the pack had run past the check with no WF in sight.
I heard later that Manopause had used his insider knowledge and sent the pack on without even stopping to kick out!
On
we went, into the 'burbs of Ipplepen city where WF caught up and passed
us all as I went into a cul-de-sac (and back out). I managed to stay
with WF as we reached, and crossed Totnes Road, entered Marldon Road
and turned off, into a lane which took us behind Dainton golf centre.
Apparently,
WF had pedalled ten miles to be at the Hash but, to my embarrassment,
she showed no sign of tiring as she skimmed effortlessly the surface of
the roads. We traded checks as we continued along Whiddon Road and
crossed Totnes Road again at the Two Mile Oak.
I
had to work hard to keep up (which I failed to do, much of the time) as
we coursed the very well marked Trail back to Moor Lane and the On
Home.
I recorded 5.3 miles, which I topped up afterwards. It was a very enjoyable Trail and a credit to the Hares.
On On. Beefy
Run number 1911 4th April 2022
With no Blue Bird or Man Pig to write the words tonight
Shitfaced asked for volunteers, I though…… then said “alright”.
‘Twas good to see our GM back, no covid ill effect,
A smallish circle gathered round present and correct.
19 hashers came tonight to attend the AGPU
(Warm Front even cycled here to join ‘the chosen few’).
On the edge of Ipplepen, met at the football club
(Wet Johnny did the food tonight - Cheaper than a pub).
Wet Johnny also laid the trail, such a busy fella
Still quite light and nice n dry, no need for an umbrella.
Longs and shorts and walker’s trails all clearly laid in flour
Laid on the right, 3 and on – be back in ‘bout an hour.
The lycra boys (and girls) ran off, leaving us still standing
Uphill back along the road at first we found demanding.
Then narrow path the other side, ran along the road
The L/S split laid in flour, direction clearly showed.
All along to Two mile Oak and crossed the road once more
And followed signs to Denbury, flour arrows on the floor.
The fast front runners out of sight, with Ubend I now run
We were first to reach the checks and checked them every one.
Got it wrong the first time and the second time as well
On trail the hedgerows filled with primroses and bluebell.
Looking over shoulder saw Warm Front close behind
(she is an elite runner you’ve got to bear in mind).
Then on her heels was Beefy trying to get home first
‘cos football club had cheap beer, enough to quench his thirst.
In dribs and drabs we all got back, some at just a walk
Some people run, some people jog, some just come to talk.
We changed our clothes and settled down to curry, chips and rice
(I didn’t actually have some but the aroma was quite nice!!)
Shitfaced called us all to order, to start the AGPU
Who else was on committee? – I didn’t have a clue!
He was looking pretty lonely, saddened and bereft
So, Piltdown ‘came his right-hand man but sat down on his left!
No one to write the minutes? So, I thought I’d have a go
With in’s and out’s and bank accounts – the things we have to show.
The GM thanked committee and said some want to leave
The accounts were read, not in the red, the black I do believe
3Sum had it all wrote down, in rows and columns clearly
the subs collected every week and People paying yearly.
Insurance paid and badges bought and Tshirts for awards
(I took a photo of her notes, to keep for our records)
3sum would like keep her roll, Hash Cash she will remain
But Sat Nav (who did Hash Tax) doesn’t want to stand again
So Pisswell now will greet you all, beg or take your pound
And Piltdown man who takes your names is gunna hang around.
Our G.M. will stand again, we needn’t ask him twice
And to help him with the work load, Ubend will be his vice.
Rambo ‘came our new trail raiser. Wet Johnny social sec
If night out you want to organise, with him you’ll have to check.
Zoot will remain our Haberdash, and web master still bluebird
Pork Torpedo will sing songs, the ‘worst’ you’ve ever heard!
Forest Stump, Fallen Woman and Man Pig our R.A.s
And their Organiser Teapot entertain us on Mondays.
Well that’s it folks, I’ve done the words and craftily within it
I hope you read them, that’s because you've also read the minutes
On on Soapy xx
Friday 1 April 2022
Thursday 31 March 2022
A TRAIL OF TWO HALVES & ONCE MORE UNTO THE BREACH FOR PISSWELL
Run #1910 Monday 28th March from the Divers Arms at Babbacombe
LAST MINUTE HARES: Bluebird and Man-Pig
Who
wuz there: Bluebird, Man-Pig, Arkangel, Forrest Stump, Piltdown Man,
Georgy-Porgy, Smellie, Broadshit, Melonpicker, Soapy, Teapot, Wetfart,
Beefy, Pisswell, Rambo, Fallen Woman, Piddler, Coldtits, Able Semen, Big
End, Well Hopped, Ned, Ernie, Swinger, Polyfella, Tamsin (needs a
name), Satnav, Threesum (on-down only), Bobbiball (on-down only). PLUS
Strap-On!
THE CIRCLE
A
void week in the Hash Diary i.e. no hares. The demon duo of Dick
Dastardly and Mutley stepped in to lay the trail. An early improvised
on-down at Kents was changed at the last minute to the Divers Arms -
formerly Route 16; Coach and Horses and originally the Roughwood.. It
has been a long time since we ran from here. In fact, the last time
that many of us were in this pub was for Mavis's 40th birthday party
prior to him running off to New Zealand with Half Nelson.
Able
Semen had an announcement regarding The Devon Lunatics weekend
commencing on Friday 13th May 2022. It will kick-off with a run/pubcrawl
from the Mill-on-the-Exe on the Friday evening. It is a self-funded
pay-as-you-go affair so come for 1, 2 or all 3 days. More details to
follow on the Devon Lunatics Facebook page.
Man-Pig
then had an update regarding Number 2's funeral. Yes, it is now open
to the hash to attend. However, the chapel is small and can only
accommodate a maximum of 50 people. The funeral details have already
been posted on both the TVH3 and Ashburton Hash Facebook pages. It will
take place at in Newton Abbot at 2.30pm on Friday 8th April.
Thereafter, it is off to the Union Inn, Denbury for a rum or two to
celebrate Number 2's life. Dress attire is bright and colourful.
Threesum is co-ordinating numbers. Early indications are that the
threshold of 50 in the chapel might well be exceeded. Watch the TVH3
Facebook page for updates.
Over
to the remaining hare as Bluebird had run off to live lay the remaining
piece of the trail jigsaw. This, despite, having promised that the
Shorts trail had been completed the previous day. The remaining hare,
Man-Pig, explained:
First,
scoff - if you want food do not do the Longs. The kitchen closes at
8.30 but the chef will give us a 10 or 15 minute leeway. Anyone
arriving back at the pub after 8.45 would go hungry.Second, "the trail
- there is a Walkers, Shorts and a Longs. I have no idea about
distance as I had had no part in the Walkers and Shorts' trails".
Almost as much information as had been imparted by Arkangel the
previous week!
THE TRAIL
The
early parts of the trail had been laid by Bluebird in a combination of
blue chalk and cat litter. The latter parts of the trail had been laid
by Man-Pig in flour. The trail led past Babbacombe theatre and then
along Babbacombe Downs, past the cliff railway, and onwards past the
Model Village. A Long/Short split had the Shorts turning right down
towards Oddicombe Beach.
The
Longs carried on along St Marychurch Road before turning right onto
Petitor Road, past Torbay Golf club, and to a check on Redcliffe downs.
The trail then beared right and downhill taking us onto the commando
challenge on Oddicombe Beach. This comprised clambering over large
blocks of fallen sandstone from the collapsing cliff face. Normally
sandstone is fairly soft and smooth. Not this stuff. This appears to
contain sherds of flint. Whatever it is, it is like climbing over very
coarse sandpaper.
Despite
the trail being conducted at low tide, no one was afforded the luxury
of a simple run along the beach. The choices were: 1) get wet, probably
very wet or, 2) to clamber over the rockfall and risk breaking your
ankles. The state of the tide rather dictated the latter as being the
only plausible option.
Once
clear of the obstacle course, it was a simple run for Piddler and I
along Oddicombe Beach passing Piltdown Man and an injured Smellie on the
way. I was sure that I was the last of the Longs, but it later
transpired that Arkangel had taken up the role of tail-end-charlie and
cleared the rocks on his own.
At
the end of the beach, it was up the very steep Beach Road past the
Carey Arms. The Walkers continued up Beach Road and back to the pub.
Meanwhile, the Longs and the Shorts had to bear sharp left. This leads
to an area of wooded hillside and a climb up to open downs at Walls
Hill. Here we came across Tamsin. She was resting as she was still a
little weak whilst recovering after having contracted covid.
Soon
all three of us were on open ground and a number of other hashers
torches could be seen. We ran past the Babbabcombe cricket club
pavilion only to see Pisswell and Forrest Stump a little off trail and
running back to the pub. Melonpicker was in front of us and looking for
marks. With a little help from the hare, we got him back on trail just
before arriving at the last Long/Short split. Tamsin and Piddler
sensibly elected for the Shorts. Dastardly, or is that Mutley, decided
that he should sweep the Longs.
The
Last Long was a 3 mile loop. Leaving Walls Hill, the trail led through
woodland and the footpath that took us down to the car park on Ansteys
Cove Road (sometimes known as Palace Road). At the rear of the car
park the trail crossed the playing fields. The southern end of the
playing fields is bounded by Ilsham Road. The check here had been
kicked out. Good. There were Longs in front of me. The trail took a
left down Ilsham Road before an arrow took us into Ilsham Meadow - the
site of our first post third lockdown run - courtesy of Wigwam.
Almost
at the southern end of Ilsham Meadow, where Ilsham Road turns into
Meadfoot Sea Road, a check took the pack right and into the woodland of
Manor Gardens. The trail took us up a steep incline before exiting the
wood onto Lincombe Drive. Almost straight across the private drive and
up a very steep public footpath that leads up to Higher Lincombe Road.
An arrow now took us right and along Higher Lincombe Road before
dropping down left onto Ridgeway Road.
At
the apex of the first hairpin bend, another arrow. this time guiding
us down a rather overgrown public footpath. This took us down and onto
Higher Erith Road. Another arrow pointing to the right and we were
heading past Lincombe Road and onto the Babbacombe Road at Kents in
Wellswood. Arrows took us right and up Babbacombe Road. But not for
long.
Before
arriving at the entrance to the huge construction project, on the site
of the old Palace Hotel, a long curved arrow took us down another
public footpath. This was signposted "Footpath access to Ansteys Cove".
The footpath ended at the Ansteys Cove car park. An arrow with an "OH"
below it took us back up that part of Ansteys Cove Road that we had
just run down 25 minutes earlier.
This
time it was all the way up to the top of the road where it rejoins
Babbacombe Road. The marks took us up a slight uphill ascent until yet
another arrow pointed right and along 250 yards of footpath. This led
us back onto Walls Hill to rejoin the Shorts trail for the final 600
yards back to the pub.Back in the pub, I had thought that I had been
the last to be out on trail. Not so. Arriving back at the pub with
Forrest Stump, Pisswelll was aghast that she'd only recorded 2.83 miles.
U-turn, out of the pub and back unto the breach of Walls Hill to find
that elusive last Long/Short split.
Well done - dogged determination if ever there was.
THE DOWN-DOWNS
The Baby Bat Hat, perched upon Georgy was the first Deliverance (1972)
and manifold were the propos-ed culprits. Eighteen consumed chips
later and Wetfart was summoned for allegedly baring all. A note for
'hung like a donkey' if you please.
The
wise or wizened Wizard Piddler spun a tale of adventure and disaster
before finally getting to the point and awarding the Jester's Hat to
Pisswell for being late back to the pub. (see main text!).
Forrest
had smelt a rat cum sardines in brine as He who should not be nam-ed
approach-ed with the revered Hashit shirt in tow. I know you are mildly
interested or held captive in my text bubble, so I'll elaborate:
I
feed a one-legged seagull (I'm not the only one, so does BroadS)
sardines daily as he crash lands onto my flat roof. I then have to wipe
my hands on something - and, I think you've only sussed it - the closest
thing to hand the past week was ... No? Well please yourselves then.
Anyway,
rewind back to the Divers Inn and Bobby wheeling his Panzer cycle
through the doors into the pub. Wishing to come to the aid of der
Rottenfuhrer, I hastily provided a cover story to the management.
'He's
eighty five you know.' The bar manageress looked across at the
bewheeling apparition and retorted: 'Eighty five? That's amazing!'
Poor Bobby, and a stale pork pie caught him under the eye and Bobby bit the dust - or floor as Teapot presented that Little Shop of Horrors (1986) aka the doggie beer bowl.
Bobby
blanched and doggedly [now come on SIC you fools] prepared for the
worst. But then a shining light came upon the assembly and White Knight
(I know, a man of many parts) Piddler stepped forward, picked up the
doggie bowl and placed it in bewildered Bobby's clammy hands.
Whoa!
I didn't know it was that simple! And down it did young Bobby to the
accompanying chords of 'Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy' Hurrah!
MP
comment: The Homing Horse Head Hat - although absent, rumour has it
that stabling has been found for it at Ka Ford in Maidencombe! (Dire
threats have been uttered by Wetfart who awarded the hat to the Idiot on
Awards Night).
POSTSCRIPT
Relieved to get this one done and dusted. It was quite a slog, what with the Hunt for Red October (1990)
and a DD at short notice; the pre-lay of the short trail on Sunday and
the live lay of the last section of the long on the night.
Mighty thanks go to co-hare MP who trekked over at 5 pm and stayed after laying his loop of the long.
The
chariot tether charge was iniquitous - as many of you rightly did
protest. Charges applicable to midnight! The Sheriff of Nottingham
evidently is alive and well in Torbay.
But never mind, the shares in RentaHare are steadily rising and we wait in the wings to come to the aid of the Hash.
Thank you all for making the journey.
NEXT WEEK
It's the Big Night, our AGPU from Ipplepen football club with hare Wet Johnny and the usual Penner suspects.
And now it's goodbye from Man-Pig and goodbye from me.
ON ON!
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