A SPANISH INQUISITION AND OAP WALKABOUT (1971)

TVH3 The Words for 9th May 2022 - Lord Nelson, Kingskerswell - Run No. 1916

 

HARES: Shitfaced & Bluebird

 

A tiny figure could be discerned walking along the roadside verge of the South Devon Expressway. Zooming in from a motorway camera, more detail emerged. It was an elderly gentleman, smartly, if not rather bizarrely attired in white flannel trousers with a red windcheater and white baseball cap. He was carrying a shopping bag and was limping. To be continued..

 

Who wuz there: Shitfaced, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Archangel, Beefy, Ernie, Rambo, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Pollyfella, Pork Torpedo, Hornie, Melonpicker, Soapy, Strap-On, Strap dancer, Manopause, Wet-Johnny, Broadshit, Bobbiball, Zoot, Hotlips, Slip on Me, Able Semen.

 

The Circle

The Circle started with an inquisition! On arriving at the Circle, Man-Pig was under instant interrogation by Shitfaced:

"Where were you Man-Pig? I messaged you this morning at 7.10. The Hares are Shitfaced and FRIENDS.."

 

A bewildered Man-Pig reached for his pocket. Pulled out his phone and went to the Facebook Messenger app - no messages from Shitfaced.

Nevertheless, in the face of technological calamity, Bluebird was contacted successfully to do the needful.

 

Announcements - just the one as Bluebird unsuccessfully launched an appeal for Shantymen for an upcoming music festival from the Two Mile Oak - complete with a quick 'Haul Away' demonstration which probably convinced the suspicious little huddle not to get involved.

 

Over to Shitfaced, who merely advised that the Walkers was half the length of the Shorts and that the Longs was......err....longer. Additionally, a show of hands for food in the pub afterwards. About ten hashers raised their hands for chicken casserole and bread.

 

The Trail

The trail headed up Fluder Hill to the first junction where the Walkers and the Shorts bore right and down Southey Lane. The Walkers had a leisurely route down Southey Lane and turned right, straight across the A380 and then a jaunt around the playing fields before returning to the pub via Fore Street.

The Shorts, meanwhile, turned left up the A380 heading towards Torquay. This took them on the footbridge over the railway and top the concrete footpath onto Eginswell Lane. The trail then headed back to Kingskerswell viaWhilborough Road and Huxnor Road. Just before Huxnor Road changes name to Yon Street, an arrow had us turning left and down the new service road parallel to the Kingskerswell bypass.

 

At the end of the service road, we arrived at the second, and last, Long/Short split. The Shorts climbed the steep embankment up to the quarry car park and then turned right onto Maddacombe Road followed by another right and almost immediately left down Church End Road. A right onto the lower end of Yon street and finally left onto Rose Hill to rejoin the Walkers.

 

Meanwhile, the Longs continued their interminable climb up Fluder Hill. Just as the ascent levels off, we came to the first check. Wet-Johnny carried straight on, Beefy went left and Pollyfella checked right. Eventually an "On-On". it was Pollyfella. The trail took us right and down Kingskerswell Road to Riviera Way. 

 

An arrow directed us right and along the A380 towards Kingskerswell. Soon we were rejoining the Shorts at the footbridge over the railway line near the petrol station. At this stage, the pack comprised Pollyfella, Man-Pig, Wet-Johnny, Beefy, Ernie, Broadshit and Manopause. Along Eginswell Lane we caught up and overtook Rambo, Coldtits and Smellie. Then there was a long gap before we encountered Zoot, Hotlips, Horny, and Pork Torpedo.

 

There was a check at the junction of Whilborough Road and Edginswell Lane. Pollyfella checked left up Whilborough Lane whilst the Pg carried straight on. Only one dot but the Pig persevered and eventually got back on trail at the bottom of Huxnor Lane. At the second Long/Short split, the Longs turned away from Kingskerswell as the trail took us up Doctor Mac's Lane. 

 

Just before reaching North Whilborough, an arrow had us yomping up Common Lane and across Whilborough Common and Kerswell Downs. The dry weather had left this part of the trail stoney and uneven underfoot i.e. not very quick. The trail exited at the old Quarry next to Foredown Kennels where we rejoined the Shorts. For the second time on trail, we passed Rambo and Coldtits. Thence on to the On-Down and a pint of Naked lady!

 

'HIS HARE-RAISING TALE' (1951 Warner Bros. Looney Tunes short)

Loitering like a racecourse tout, the on-trail hare (Shitfaced had wisely adjourned immediately to the bar) was on the lookout for hashers wanting a 'short-cut'. Melon Picker politely demurred, as did Coldtits and S M Ellie before two likely lasses approached.

 

'Short-cut through to Kerswell Downs ladies?' enquired the tout. Able and Slip on Me hesitated but were hooked on the dubious enterprise. 'Are you sure we can get through?' asked Able, peering suspiciously down the embankment which seemed heavily overgrown. 'Of course! I've been through before with no problems and look, there are some other walkers down there!' replied the shady tout.

Their fate now sealed, the trio plus Muttley set off on the jolly jaunt. Whatamistakatomaka!

 

All went well for all of a hundred yards when the safari came upon the walkers sitting beside a stream that barred the way. The drop and span of the obstacle indicated impending disaster for those foolhardy enough to attempt the crossing and The Adventurers (1970) wisely hoisted the white flag and retreated to whence they had previously come. 

 

However, Henry Morton Stanley - in search of the lost short-cut - was made of sterner stuff and vowed to continue - come what may .... Sigh. 

 

The vegetation became ever denser and more exotic and a machete was Shirley needed now. Treacherous was the wetlands and desperate was the Flightless One. Further progress was now impossible and the Bird looked for the exit from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984). 

 

Carefully scaling the barbed wire fence adjacent to the carriageway and clambering over the metal crash rail, the Birdbrain triumphantly screeched to the gods on high: 'Salvation! I'm free at last!'

But there was a problem, a serious problem. Clearly, pedestrians should not be making their way along the verge. Warning lights from oncoming vehicles flashed and the ag-ed pensioner, still clutching his shopping bag, fled for the flyover bridge in the distance. 

 

An hour later, with hardly two miles on the Garmin, a dishevelled and badly shaken figure rejoined the trail just by Man-Pig's abode.

 

The apparition frantically waved at S M Ellie and Coldtits for assistance but was merely waved back at by the two shorts who thought nothing of the Bird's bizarre antics.

 

Wet Johnny and Pollyfella swept past, closely pursued by Beefy, but the Bird was too shattered to speak and grimly made his way to the bar for a much-needed encounter with a Naked Lady.

 

The Down-Downs

Once the scoff had been devoured, it was time for the Down-Downs - Justice Pig presiding.

First up was Smellie who had inadvertently taken the Hashshit shirt home with her three weeks previously. Although the shirt had been officially awarded to U-Bend, some cunning devil had sneaked it into Smellies's bag - unbeknown to Smellie. The Clouseau-like inquisition no.2 commenced with first U-Bend being named as a person of interest. This then progressed onto another suspect whose identity eludes me. 

 

Finally, the spotlight fell on Coldtits. Not for the first time, an investigation has been pursued by the victim on behalf of the guilty and resulting in the prosecution of the innocent. The guilty party is still out there planning his(or her) next diabolic deed.

 

Nonetheless, Coldtits came forward to despatch her half a pint of water to a song that I've never heard before delivered by our very own Songmeister, Pork Torpedo.

 

Coldtits duly delivered the Horned Hat to Able Semen for soliciting business en-route with co-solicitor Slip-on-Me. Before departing, Ernie had mentioned they had also been seen short-cutting - if only the hash had known what really happened out there.

 

Pork Torpedo revealed that it was Soapy and Melonpicker's 7th wedding anniversary this very day and they both had a DD to celebrate.

 

The Curse of Chucky (2013) and the badges continued as a 50th run badge was awarded to Strap-On but was immediately rescinded as he had taken possession six months ago - must be a 75th run badge then!

 

Finally, 200th run badges were correctly given out to both Zoot and Hotlips.

 

We thanked the pub for the beer and casserole and the night was done, except that the hares seemed to have been overlooked - or had I had too many Naked Ladies, Grand Master?

 

POSTSCRIPT

A Night to Remember (1958) indeedy. First came The Search (1948) for Man-Pig before trail laying and then yet another calamitous adventure in the Badlands (1973) below the South Devon Expressway. For a few moments there, I thought I was in trouble.

 

Someone told me in the pub (MP?) that the farmer who owned the marshy strip had invested in trees and other plants, probably to prevent A Passage to India (1984) and Kerswell Downs. I am still haunted by my anguished cries on the video I took en routey..

 

If I had been apprehended, I had carefully rehearsed my 'addled little old man' routine - which is getting more realistic as time goes on... sigh.

 

A relief to get out and see everyone, including Bobby who dropped by for his Naked Lady as well.

Time to say goodbye from Man-Pig and goodbye from me until the next time.

 

Next week

Chudleigh car park with Hares Melonpicker and Soapy. the On-Down is the Bishop Lacy which Robin and Wendy are opening especially for us. Bravo.

 

On-On to next week.

PERFECT TEN (2019)

 

Run No. 1915 TVH3 The Words for 2nd May 2022

Circle-up from South Brent Railway Station Car Park

 

HARE: Man-Pig

 

Who wuz there: Man-Pig, Beefy, Shitfaced, Ernie, Rambo, Big End, Well Hopped, Ned, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie.

 

The Circle

The Circle was, erm, well - small. Only ten souls arrived at South Brent (Primrose Junction) station car park for the May Bank Holiday hash. Bank holidays are always quite iffy to call in respect of numbers. Some people are on holiday, others have visitors staying and some have "looking after the children" commitments. 

 

The weather also didn't help; Sunday and Monday were more damp than raining. Shitfaced also commented on the distance. Historically, South Brent has never been out of area for Teign Valley Hash. We have had several hashes from here in the past, usually hared by Poacher. Other regular "far away" venues have, in the past, included Dunsford, Halwell, Drewsteignton, Exeter, Mortonhampstead and Chagford. So, South Brent is not so far really. 

 

However, 10 is not the lowest TVH3 turnout recorded on a bank holiday. I do recall a McWot trail about 17 years ago, in Kingskerswell. It was the August bank holiday. We had eight!*

Shitfaced announced that there were no announcements and then waited another ten minutes to see if anyone else would turn up. By 7.30 ,it was over to the Hare.

 

Man-Pig confirmed that there was a Walkers', Shorts' and Longs'. Approximate distances: 1.5 miles, 4.5 miles and 5.5 miles. There would be quite a few back checks. Some blank faces suggested that I might have reverted back to my native gaelic in my final sentence. The Pig clarified what a back check was and everyone seemed happy enough.

 

The Trail

The trail was simple. In basic terms we were going up the River Avon on its southwest side and returning back along its northeast side.

 

The Walkers would follow the trail up to Penstave Copse. Here they could go off-trail and follow any of the paths within this piece of woodland which is managed by the Woodland Trust. They would, eventually, always come back to the marked trail as there are only two ways in and out of the copse. They would then backtrack on the outward trail back to the car park......Simples!

 

The Shorts would carry on up to Didworthy and then follow the public footpath back to South Brent via Lutton.

 

The Longs would do the Shorts plus a two Long/Short splits. The first L/S split was at Binnamore Cross and took the Longs on a half mile loop up around Badworthy before rejoining the Shorts opposite the junction for Didworthy. 

 

The second Long/Short split had the Longs on another loop. Instead of heading straight into Didworthy, they looped up to Shipley Bridge and then back into Didworthy via the public footpath.....but only after having encountered another back check.

 

The Walkers comprised Piltdown Man, George Porgey and Smellie. Smellie was still recovering from a bad cold and was also having treatment for a tight tendon in her foot. Hence no running for at least a month. 1.5 miles seemed too short and 4.5 miles too long given her foot injury. We agreed on a happy medium. "Wander around the woods until you've covered 2.5 miles and then walk back to the pub. The woods are very pretty this time of year". And that is what Smellie did.

 

The Shorts had Big End, Well Hopped and Ned running it all. At the more relaxed end of the athletic spectrum Rambo and Shitfaced walked the entire Shorts trail and weren't even late for the pub!

Only Beefy and Ernie committed to both of the Longs and they were quite close together. It was good to see Beefy back after a two week absence due to covid and my apologies to Ernie as I missed him off last week's Words.

 

The Down-Downs

Back in the pub everyone commented on how nice the run was. It is the time of year that the bluebells are out in force on the moor; especially in woodland. Frankly, you could hardly move for bluebells. It was a very picturesque trail with three viewpoints marked en route. It was a shame that the weather wasn't a bit better - the views would have been even more stunning.

 

The pub cum cafe had opened especially for us. The owner, Richard, is an ex South Hams hasher. He had got a pin (36 pints) of Dartmoor Jail Ale in especially for us as the cafe doesn't usually do draught ale. Additionally, he had put on a Hash menu for us. A choice of vegetable chilli with rice and tacos or mild chicken curry with rice and pappadoms for £6 a head. The chilli was lovely and I think the curry went down well too.

 

Because Richard had gone out of his way for us, everyone returned to the On Down and virtually everyone ordered food - even if it was only to have as a takeaway. Richard wasn't at all disappointed that we only had ten hashers present and he made us very welcome. 

 

In fact, the low turnout meant that we could all join in a single conversation without splintering into smaller groups. It was all rather convivial.

 

After devouring the scoff, it was on to the Down-Downs. I hadn't dared be cheeky enough to ask the pub to sub us the Down-Down drinks so we paid for four halves of Jail Ale but, to whom should they go?

 

Beefy had the only physical award; the Baby Bat Hat award from three weeks ago. The contenders were Georgy Porgy as Chocco had a poo less than fifty yards after leaving the car park.

 

However, there then ensued a story about a hasher referring to the marks as having been laid in dust and not flour! Man-Pig then elaborated that Ernie had been quite right. The price of flour has shot up to a punitive 90p a bag. The Scotsman in Man-Pig took over the driving seat, "I'm nay paying that!", in a Private Fraser accent. "I know. I can use the dust in the vase on the mantlepiece. Well, more urn than vase".

 

And so it was that poor Rusty's ashes were employed for the good of the hash. This must mean a note for the dustman but, as we all know, dustmen are members of the National Union of Refuse Disposal Engineers - NURDE for short. Hence a note for the Nurde as Urnie sorry, Ernie took his Down-Down.

Second up was Shitfaced. He had a story to recount (or should that be recant?). Anyway, it concerned the sheer gall of a hasher who had the balls to go into print on Facebook and tell the world that he had been sucked-off on the hash. Some clarification, please?

 

Shitfaced elaborated that the lucky blighter was our very own Man-Pig. "Wot? Me? I hardly ever use Facebook!". More elaboration. The story actually originated from a Facebook post by Man-Pig referring to tics that had attached themselves at last week's Hash. As the old saying goes, "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story".

 

Beefy then led the "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy" song for Man-Pig's down-down.

There were two drinks left. Were there any more stories? There were none so the final Down-Downs went to the Hare and to Smellie for being the last back to the pub.

 

Despite the numbers, I think everyone enjoyed the trail and the views. The pub was incredibly welcoming and would be delighted to have us back. We must think of setting another trail from here in the future. Our thanks to Richard, the owner/landlord, for making us so welcome.

 

ADDENDUM

The Bank Holiday hash was originally Thomas Cooked under the heading: BB's Birthday Trail, but events conspired against me and I was unable to discharge my duty. Apparently, whilst reporting my cancellation to the pack, Man-Pig seemed to have 'volunteered' himself and subsequently planned an extravaganza like no other.

 

Beefy nearly persuaded me to come along - if only to do the walkers' trail - but I could not risk leaving the house that evening.

 

You can only try to imagine my disappointment for the valiant Man-Pig when I saw how few had turned out. However, when I scanned Beefy's FB images, I realised what a great trail we had missed out on. And MP is spot on when he stated that a small turnout can be just as good fun - remember that post Christmas trail from the Kings Arms?

 

I am really pleased that next week's edition is from the Nellie and, perhaps, all fingers tightly crossed, I can partly repay Man-Pig's favour.

 

ON ON, BB

 

* The all time 'record' low turnout for a TV hash was also to McWot and Vera on a Bank Holiday Monday. Only one hasher appeared and McWot and Vera drove the hasher (the identity unknown) around part of the trail before adjourning to the pub.

 

Next week

Lord Nelson, Kingskerswell with Hare, Shitfaced (and friends!).

 

On-On to next week, MP

MONDAY'S MAP MAY 2ND

 

'THE ONLY WAY IS UP' by Man-Pig

TVH3 The Words for 25th April 2022 - Bridford Inn, Teign Valley 

 

Run No. 1914

 

HARES: Forrest Stump & Man-Pig

 

Who wuz there: Forrest-Stump, Man-Pig, Shitfaced, Arkangel, Pollyfella, Only Here for the Beer, Piltdown Man, Georgy-Porgy, Rambo, Fallen Woman, Coldtits, Piddler, Strap-On, Pisswell, Krystyna (Pisswell's friend), Swinger, Well Hopped, Wood-Lend, Warmfront, Pork Torpedo, Horny, Wet-Johnny, Erection, Manopause, Melon-Picker, Soapy, Slip-on-Me.

 

The Circle

The bright sunny weather, and the promise of one of Forest's excellent trails, combined to result in a full 27 souls making the long journey to Bridford (not Cridford and not Bradford!). Well, not Cridford for 26 out of 27! It further resulted in an above average number of hashers electing to do the Longs. In fact I understand that 14 Hashers undertook the Longs....and well worth it. A testament to the quality of Forest's trails.

 

Forrest's description of the trail was brief to say the least. He dropped a handful of sawdust on the ground and said, "The marks look like this". And, with that, we were off.

 

The Trail

The trail took us back up the village and left past the church. At the rear of the church was the first Long/Short split. The Longs went left and around the newish (4 year old) footpath/boardwalk before looping around the top of the village. At this point the usual suspects were FRB'ing: Wood-Lend, Warmfront, Wet Johnny, Pollyfella, Erection, Manopause - no Beefy this week. Beefy is now covid negative but still a little drained. But where were Pisswell and Krystyna? We assumed that, as she had her friend with her, she might opt for the Shorts or the Walkers. What a foolish thought to entertain?

The Longs came to a check at the entrance to a ploughed field and, sure enough, this proved to be the trail. After only 50 yards of field, it was back into a landscaped part of the village that I've never been to. One part of it is a small, nicely mowed, area. It has an arc of steps and looks a little like a very small Roman amphitheatre.

 

Trying hard to keep up with Wood-Lend, we re-entered the village above the church to rejoin the Shorts' and the Walkers' trails. The first check had been kicked out and we headed down Pound Lane catching up with the last of the Walkers, Arkangel, Fallen Woman and Slip-on-Me. The next check had also been kicked out. It was right and down the footpath that takes you past Pook's Cottages. All very picturesque. On running down the access road to Pook's VCottages, I passed Shitfaced and Only Here for the Beer. "There's a lot of downhill here Man-Pig", was Shitfaced's comment. I looked dead ahead to the enormous wooded hill in front of us. "Not for long", I replied.

 

At the bottom of the access road, we came to the minor road that connects Bridford to Christow. It was straight across and to the Walkers/Long & Short split where Forrest was waiting for us with some new instructions. "If you are not a fit Short, you may want to do the Walkers' trail?".

 

The Walkers and sensible Shorts, went straight up the woodland steps that would eventually take them up past Scatter Rock Quarry. This is about a 150m change in elevation but, believe me, this was by far the easiest option. Forrest had got permission (well, so he says) to run on private land. This had the Longs and the fitter Shorts climbing over a gate marked "Private Property. No Entry" in ready typescript.

 

The trail then took us in a long loop past another disused quarry until we came to a peculiar mark on the ground - a fishhook with the number 8 below it. Dutifully, Manopause, Erection, Swinger and Well-Hopped waited for the co-hare to arrive before setting off again. However, where were Wood-Lend, Warmfront, Polyfella and Wet-Johnny?

 

By this time, Pork Torpedo, Horny and Piddler (sans ski poles) had caught up and we set off on the trail again. Just as we rounded a bend to our right, our hearts sank. What appeared before us was a dead straight clearing in the woods for as far a the eye could see. It was a very steep incline and looked for all the world as though it should have a ski lift running up it it. In fact, if you'd thought this you'd very nearly be right. This is because in 1913 a cable car system was built here by German engineers. This was to transport ore from the quarries all the way down to Christow railway station. It was just as well that the Germans had finished building it in 1913 or they would have spent the next 4 years in an internment camp!

 

Earlier in the day, when laying the trail, I had seen seven deer along this part of the trail. All very rewarding to see nature in their natural habitat.

 

After a 400 yard climb, the trail took us right and across an open field and over a dry stone wall and back into woodland but, then, no trail. This is where the Hares had got disorientated for the best part of an hour earlier in the day.

 

Man-Pig, Pork Torpedo, Horny and Piddler were at the back of the pack, or so we thought. We followed a couple of marks till they ran out and then, trusting to Hare's insider knowledge, continued downhill off-trail. It would only be a matter of time before we rejoined the Walkers' trail. Eventually, back on trail we ran uphill to where Forrest had relaid the dodgy steep descent through the woods. Forrest was dutifully calling to make sure that no-one got lost in this, the most challenging, part of the trail. Forrest confirmed that everyone else had been through and that we were the last. Well, not quite. No-one had seen Pisswell. Had she elected to do the walkers' trail and was now well in front of us or was she at the back of the Long? Only time would tell.

 

Forrest said that he would wait a while and keep calling whilst the four tail-end charlies continued up to the gorse heathland. We passed a field full of llamas who, apparently, spat at Forrest, this was just before joining the lane that links Hennock with Bridford.

 

An arrow had us running up this lane for 400 yards towards Hennock and past a filed full of sheep and gambolling lambs. Just past this field was another Walkers/Long & Shorts split at Middle Hole.

We all elected to carry on past Higher Hole and Heckland to a T-junction. An arrow guided us right, but only for 50 yards to a check. This had been kicked-out straight on towards the Clampitt Plantation and Kennick Reservoir.

 

Just past Clampitt House was the last of the Long/Short splits. It was 8.35pm and just beginning to get dipsey. Pork Torpedo asked how far the Longs was. "About a mile and a half longer than the Shorts but a straightforward run", answered the co-hare. Pork Torpedo and Horny courageously opted for the Long. Excellent. A reticent Piddler was left with the choice of a lonesome run on the Shorts or do the Longs. Pork Torpedo agreed that we should stick together as a group and so the Famous Four sallied forth to engage with the final Long.

 

This took us first straight and then right past the piggery. We were on main paths and heading towards the reservoir. At our nearest point to the reservoir, a kicked-out check had us running up the last hill of the evening. Thank goodness. This took us across the Laployd Plantation heading for the Beacon Plantation; these are all fir tree plantations. Just as the hill levelled off, we came to the penultimate check. It was then right and along a trail that leads to the edge of the plantation above an escarpment with lovely views across the fields. Horny commented, "Not a man-made structure in sight, lovely". She was right.

 

A little further we came to a large rock that had been eroded away at its base. This could provide shelter in the event of a downpour. It also had the letters "PR" written next to it in sawdust. What has Forrest been up to now? Apparently, when Pisswell had first seen this rock many years ago she asked Forest about its name. Forrest didn't know its name so he notionally named it, "Pisswells Rock". Hence the PR.

 

A little further on, we came to the last check - kicked-out of course. Another 300 yards and an arrow directed us left. We had joined up with the Shorts. Unsurprisingly, no Shorts in sight. It was distinctively dipsey now so time for the torches. However, Horney and Piddler had no form of illumination. That wasn't really a problem. Man-Pig and Pork Torpedo had torches and it was a simple 3/4 mile straight path back to the pub. The only issue being tree roots for the first 300 yards. The final leg back to the pub had us rejoin the Walkers' trail just above Lower Hole. We all commented on how lovely the old granite house looked at Lower Hole. At this point the footpath widens to a vehicular track that is tarmac...... in places. At the bottom of the track we crossed Rookery Brook. This is where the Hares had realised that they had far too much sawdust left over. For, in front of us were two "OH" signs. One was huge with a smily face.

 

The last 200 yards took us up a slight incline, past the Old Rectory, and back to the pub. It was 9.15pm and 5.9 miles on the clock. Well done to Piddler, Pork Torpedo and Horny for keeping me company on the Longs. I really had thought that I'd be doing it on my lonesome.

 

And a well done to Forrest. Another excellent trail as many had commented on in the pub. Well up to your usual very high standards.

 

The Down-Downs

Back in the pub Dale (or is that Darren?), the Landlord, had saved some scoff for latecomers. Sausage and chips at £5 a head. It was a tad late so it was pretty much straight into the Down-Downs. Forrest tossed a coin to decide who would be RA for the evening. Forrest won....or should that be lost?

The first award of the evening was lost property. Shitfaced had found a pair of glasses in the pub car park. These proved to be Forrest Stump's. Fortunately, we had the Teign Valley songmeister with us for the evening. Accordingly, Pork Torpedo led the down-downs with:

 

"He doesn't kiss the girls anymore.

He likes them short and hairy.

Whoops he's a fairy"....down, down, down etc.

 

Next up was Forrest himself. This time looking someone deserving of the Baby Bat Hat award. This went to Horny for alleged interminable whingeing about the trail. After a bit of reticence, Pork Torpedo fired up with a very fast ditty. Something about barrels and orrifices.....splendid!

 

Next it was Man-Pig's turn to find a suitable recipient for the substitute Jester's Hat. There then followed an exhaustive investigation into who had been the first of the FRB's to ignore the fishhook. The suspects comprised Wet-Johnny, Warmfront and Pollyfella. What followed was an awful lot of finger pointing which ultimately lead the Pig to award the hat to Wood-Lend. I'm afraid that I have no idea what song the Songmeister came up with but it was short!

 

The final award of the night was the other Jester's Hat. Wet-Johnny's initial candidate had been Piddler for going to the Cridford Inn by mistake - well, at least it wasn't Bradford! There followed a story about using Google Maps to find the quickest route to Bridford from Ipplepen. Having opted for the fastest route it wasn't long before they found themselves crawling along the Teign Valley at a snail's pace. This would be Warmfront on her bicycle holding everyone up. Once the road straightened no cyclist could be seen. However, the lead car was strangely familiar; a dark blue Mercedes SLK. This proved to be Coldtits doing her best to save the planet be seeing if she could eke out 40+mpg on the way to the pub. Coldtits was driving....obviously....so elected to have water as a down-down. Again, I cannot remember the down-down song. Suffice it to say that the songmeister did us proud by treating us to a different song for every down-down.

 

Coldtits choice of water left a final half pint looking for an empty mouth. Forrest put it to the floor to vote on. "Who should have the final half? The Hare or the Co-hare?" The Co-hare was nominated and dispatched the half in pretty swift order. Again, a different song from the songmeister.

 

This almost concluded the evening. Apart form another case of lost property. Pisswell and her friend, Krystyna, were still out on trail and Forrest was beginning to look worried. It was 10 o'clock and people were leaving the pub. The pub was also scheduled to close at 10.30. However, never fear. No hasher ever misses last orders. Sure enough, Pisswell and Krystyna appeared at ten past ten....plenty of time to get last orders.

 

Thankyou to all who made the effort to come all the way out to Bridford, especially Fallen Woman on the night before a 2 month extravaganza in the camper van. That's dedication for you.

 

Next week

Station Cafe, South Brent with Hare Man-Pig. Parking is just up the road at the old railway station car park. The cafe was formerly the Oak Pub. It has a good selection of bottled beers and usually does not do draught ale. However, the landlord (ex-hasher) is putting on a pin (36 pints) of Legend or Jail Ale especially for the hash. A hash menu is available with a choice of vegetable chilli with tacos or mild chicken curry and papadums for £6.

 

On-On to next week.

 

TVH3 The Words for 18th April 2022 Run No. 1913

The Passage house Inn, Kingsteignton

"Wot - No Checks?" by Man-Pig

 

HARE: Screwed and Bella

 

Who wuz there: Screwed, Bella, Shitfaced, U-Bend, Man-Pig, Pollyfella, Only Here for the Beer, Piltdown Man, Georgy-Porgy, Smellie, Teapot, Rambo, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Coldtits, Piddler, Able Semen, Cheerio Beerio, Forrest Stump, Jonathan (virgin).

 

The Circle

As is frequently the case on Bank Holiday Mondays, numbers were a little down when compared against the usual turnout. This evening we had 19 hashers including a virgin brought along courtesy of the Hare. Shitfaced was back from a three week absence (must have been some 40th!) and welcomed all into the circle. Shitfaced gave an announcement regarding the following weekend's beer festival at Tucker's Maltings. Historically a group from the Hash has attended the beer festival on the Friday night. Shitfaced was planning on getting there around 3pm. 

 

However, details of what time the Hash should aim to get there will be posted on the Hash Facebook page. So, watch this space!

 

Then it was over to introduce the virgin - Jonathan.

Q. "Who made you cum?"

A. "Cath....errr, I mean Screwed"

and, with that, Jonathan was duly anointed with flour by Teapot.

Able Semen then stepped forward to remind all about the Friday 13th May hash weekend in Exeter. It is a pay-as-you-go affair. Just turn up and follow the marks. See Able in the pub for more details. From memory I think it is kicking off at 7.30pm from the Mill-on-the-Exe.

 

Screwed then came forward with details of tonight's trail. "There is a Walkers', a Shorts' and a Long's trail. Longs 6. Shorts 3. Walkers 2. The Longs' will join up with the Shorts' at St Michael's church. There are no checks. I couldn't be arsed". Absolutely clear instructions but, inevitably, they still befuddled poor old Piddler. 

 

"There is only one Long/Short split" seemed to clear the confusion i.e. don't do the Longs' or you're committed to an additional 3 mile loop.

 

The Trail

No checks. This was going to be novel. Well, not quite. Three years ago Fukarewe set a trail with no checks in Broadhempston but failed to tell anyone at the start. Screwed asked me to look after virgin Jonathan who would be doing the Longs'. Now Jonathan is young, athletic and carrying a backpack for extra weight. I rather feared that this was going to be a fast run, especially without any checks!

 

The trail took us onto the banks of the Teign estuary running back towards Kingsteignton through Hackney Marshes. When we arrived at the new cycle path, that links Newton Abbot to Kingteignton via the back of the racecourse, we came to the only Long/Short split. Most of pack went right on the Shorts' towards Kingsteignton. Jonathan and the Pig went left towards Newton Abbot. But who was that in front of us? Was it a Hasher? Whoever it was, he was motoring as we never caught him up. 

 

Only when we arrived at the sweetie stop did the penny drop. Our FRB was Polyfella who had obviously fully recovered from injury. Crikey, he was quick. No doubt on a mission to burn off all those extra calories consumed during high tea at the Ivy over the weekend.

 

The trail took us over the new cyclists/pedestrian footbridge at the northwest corner of the Brunel Industrial estate before following the lower parts of the River Lemon back towards Tuckers Maltings. Just before the Maltings the marks took us over an elderly cast iron footbridge and onto the tow path on the western side of the lower reaches of the Stover canal. We followed the tow path upto Jetty Marsh Road where we crossed and continued to follow the trail up the western side of the Stover canal upto Teign Bridges and Gallows Cross. 

 

The marks were excellent; frequent and closely spaced. I have never been on a trail that has been so well marked. However suspicion set in when, just before, Teign Bridges, we encountered runners coming in the other direction. I knew that Haldon hash were running from Twelve Twenty in Newton Abbot this evening. Was it possible that we had got on their trail by mistake and were running in the wrong direction? I didn't recognise any of the oncoming runners and they were motoring. I consigned myself to believe that they were probably Teignbridge Trotters.....too quick for hashers.

 

Sure enough, when we hit the old Exeter Road we came to an arrow. We were on trail and going in the right direction. Thus far the marks had been on both the left and right hand side of the trail. The marks took us onto the northern side of Exeter Road and then onto a brand new bit of cycle path and over a shiny new green bridge spanning the Teign. Jonathan's insider knowledge came to the fore. "Screwed did say that we went over a new bridge", so we were definitely on trail....but not for long. 

 

Somehow we missed a mark that would have taken us right and back into Kingsteignton via Broadway Road. Undaunted, Jonathan and the Pig pushed on and took the next right onto Chudleigh Road past the school and then hitting the centre of Kingsteignton on Newton Road. Due south to the Kings Arms where we picked up the trail again....much to the relief of Jonathan. Back on trail we followed the marks down Church Street before loosing them in the Churchyard. We retraced our steps to find the trail had run along the alleyway with Kingsteignton Bowling Club on it. This is really quite unique as a small stream runs all along this alleyway and the back of the houses can only be accessed by large granite (occasionally concrete) slabs that span the stream. Straight across Fore Street, past the Bell Inn and along Crossley Moor Road, still following the stream. 

 

At the roundabout, it was right and up Longford Lane, across another roundabout before turning left and up Longfield Avenue. Still we were climbing. Turn right into Gate Tree Close and then right and up some steps before finally arriving at the sweetie stop in the play park, the view point.....and Bella's favourite tree.

 

"Are you the last of the Longs?" asked Screwed.

"We are the only Longs", I answered innocently.

"No. You are not. Polyfella was here ages ago".

 

Ah. Question answered. The fast fella infront of us at the start of the Long/Short split was a hasher after all.

 

Having gobbled up most of the remaining sweets, hungry work this - running with no checks - it was follow the footpath out of the play park. 

 

Down Warecraft Road and then left and back onto Longford Lane before turning left onto Coombsend Road and crossing the footbridge over the A380. Rejoining Coombesend Road on the eastern side of the dual carriageway before turning right onto Coombesend Road East. Then it was across Teignmouth Road and follow the public footpath that skirts the edge of a large field above the Passage House Hotel. Just as we exited the field we caught up with Rambo at the "On Home" sign. We had just beaten the sunset and got back in daylight.

 

Despite the absence of checks, or more probably as a result of the absence of checks, it turned out to be a great runners trail - even if we never did catch up with Polyfella. The marks were quite the best I've ever seen on a trail. Frequent, yet discrete. And to round off a lovely run in daylight, Jonathan bought me a pint. You can come again young man!

 

The Down-Downs

Now, this is the bit that Bluebird usually edits and adds a bit of colour to the Pig's otherwise boring weekly episode of War and Peace. Regrettably, the Bird is poorly and I think that his Mum, on the cusp of her 100th birthday, is a tad under the weather too. Hence a no show from the Bird this evening. We wish them both a speedy recovery. The awards were a little thin on the ground as some of the previous week's recipients were absent.

 

First, a thank you to the pub for providing the Down-Downs. Then it was over to the awards for the evening's misdemeanours.

 

After some chat and grammatical corrections regarding the corrupt, corrupters and corruptees, Shitfaced awarded the Hashshit shirt to U-Bend. Apparently this was for impersonating the GM at last week's circle.

 

Teapot pulled the substitute Jester's hat from his bag and gave it to our RA for the night, Forest Stump. Forest then awarded it to Man-Pig.....something about pretty girls with big VW camper vans - or thereabouts. Man-Pig even had to sing his own "Hold it your hand Mrs Murphy...." song! What is the Hash coming to?

 

There were two spare beers - courtesy of the pub. The first spare beer was awarded to Forest Stump. This was because his dog, Perry, had a pee on Able Semen's tyres. A note for the "Tyre Slasher".

Finally the last down-down was awarded to Screwed for laying the trail. Crikey, didn't it go down quickly!

 

Next week

Bridford Inn with hare Forest Stump. That is the Bridford Inn in Bradford (hope he means Bridford!); not to be confused with the Cridford Inn which is not in Bridford!

 

On-On to next week if we don't all meet up at Tucker's Maltings beforehand!