TVH3 The Words for 4th July 2022

Independence Day Hash, Park Inn, Kingskerswell 

 

Run No. 1924

 

HARES: Shitfaced, Bluebird & Man-Pig

 

Who wuz there: Shitfaced, Bluebird, Man-Pig, iPoo'd, Arkangel, Hotlips, Zoot, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Slip-on-Me, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Pisswell, Beefy, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Coldtits, Rambo, Well Hopped, Big End, Well Hopped's Dad, Well Hopped's brother?, Piddler, Swinger, Warm Front, Popeye, Wylie Coyote (visitor from South Hams Hash). Additional non-runners: Cheerio Beerio (short distance award - painting banisters), T-Humper (working), Only Here for the Beer, Bobbiball, and a very late guest appearance by Floss.

 

Apologies sent by Forrest who had suffered a broken leg and was waiting for the glue to dry.

 

The Circle

A themed run resulted in some intriguing fancy dresses for America's Fourth of July Independence Day Hash. 

 

The pub had laid on an American-style barbecue (but cooked in the oven apparently) of burgers, weeners, and spare ribs - fortunately no American beer. The majority of the hash had made some attempt at dressing for the occasion. Slip-on-Me had the stars and stripes flag flying from the back of her land Rover - somewhat reminiscent of Dukes of Hazard (remember Daisy and Boss Hogg?). 

 

Shitfaced was in form as Donald Trump. Smellie was a quite alluring Wonder Woman who, by the time we were back in the pub, had metamorphosized into a lumberjack. Then the Hare's instructions were interrupted by Coldtits entering the circle. What can I say? I completely lost my train of thought and I have no idea why.

 

Back to the description of the trail. Shitfaced denied all knowledge of it apart from the Walkers' trail which he'd laid and thought wasn't too bad. Bluebird ran into the bar to hide. Man-Pig (who wasn't even supposed to be co-haring) was left to carry the can.

 

Shitfaced, Bluebird, and the Pig all offered some sort of description of the parts of the trail that they had laid - most of which joined up. Shitfaced was a little economical with the truth regarding distances - apart from the mention of double-figures if one was to do both Longs.

Bluebird just babbled and all three hares said something about the marks being laid in a combination of blue chalk, peach chalk, and flour. "The Long and the Short of it" was, so to speak, "If you want to get back in time for the barbecue, DO NOT DO THE SECOND LONG!" Quite what our visitors from SH4 thought of it all we will never know.....quite a shambles really.

 

BB

At this point, my insertion of the trail should appear. However, upon reflection, I feel unable to give my usual detailed account, interspersed with a little levity.

 

Thinking the long trail would be only about five miles, Man-Pig was delegated to add another split to bring it up to a respectable six.

 

Futile making further elaboration, I made a mistake and my trail proved to be eight miles. Man-Pig's loop was three miles, making the long eleven miles.

 

Man-Pig was at pains in the circle to warn hashers not to do the second long split but go long and then short, making about six miles.

 

As Beefy commented on the pack departing: 'Witness: all that enthusiasm.' Despondency set in and, too shattered to accompany them, I adjourned to the pub to fret.

 

Hashers appeared. The walkers were all happy with the GM's short wander. Shorts arrived but quite a few had cut short down Fluder Hill. 

 

Warm Front had completed the six-mile-long/short combination and had no complaints. (She had done a 50 km race at the weekend so had a short run here.)

 

The food was put back as hashers were still missing. Relief as SM Ellie, Coldtits, and then Pisswell got back.

 

At 9:15 pm, Beefy was back after actually completing the full eleven-mile trail! What a hasher, and I bought him a pint. He had taken some beautiful snaps en route and had seemed to genuinely have enjoyed the trail. A crumb of comfort for me.

 

Some twenty minutes later, Man-Pig arrived, ashen-faced and still clutching the large flour container which he had carried around the eleven-mile double long. He had already laid over six miles in the afternoon so do the maths to realize that he had covered over seventeen miles. Quite remarkable and way over and above the duty of a hare.

 

I had two returning awards and would have given them to the two heroes of the evening - Man-Pig and Beefy - but decided it was not appropriate. An unhappy evening for me though I had enjoyed the adventure of laying my blunder in wonderful weather. I had chalked little messages of encouragement and warnings of dangerous road crossings along my wander.

Sorry everyone for my error which Man-Pig had alerted me to before we set off. I hope it didn't spoil the evening for some. I tried but was found wanting.

 

Being a true hasher and friend, dear Man-Pig forgave me, stating on his Strava post:

'I’ll survive.....but I’m passing on this evening’s AH3 run!'

 

The Down-Downs

iPoo'd presented the horned hat to Slip on Me for accidentally hitting her with the stars and stripes flag.

 

Strap-On gave the Jester's hat to Piddler for interminable moaning....again.

 

Wylie Coyote had a welcome DD as a visiting hasher.

 

Best Fancy dress: 3 contenders - Pisswell (Pocahontas), Coldtits (Wonderwoman/Wonderbra), Smellie (WonderWoman/Lumberjack). Loudest cheer for Coldtits but all three get a Down-Down.

 

Next week

Haytor middle car park with Hare Slip-on-Me. No on-down so bring your own food and beverage. A chance of a swim in a quarry so bring your cossy too!

 

On-On to next week. Man-Pig.

HASHERS HAD IT ALL AT TINKLEY BOTTOM: A MEADOW MOWED, BBQ, A BARREL OF BEER, LADDERS & ROPED RIVER CROSSING

by Man-Pig

TVH3 The Words for 27th June 2022 - Tinkley Bottom

Run No. 1923

 

HARES: Forrest Stump & Man-Pig

 

Who wuz there: Forrest-Stump, Man-Pig, Wood Lend, Fuddle & hubby Sam (not running), Shitfaced, iPoo'd, Arkangel, Cheerio Beerio, Threesum, Martin, TT, Satnav, Able Semen, Deep Semen, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Slip-on-Me, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Pisswell, Beefy, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Wet-Johnny, Erection, Coldtits, Rambo, Well Hopped, Ned, Piddler, Swinger, Swinger's friend, Dave (Cheerio's sausage dog), Trucker (guest appearance).

 

The Circle

Once more the Hash became the beneficiaries of Forrest's excellent hospitality and equally enjoyable trail. In true Forrest fashion, the meadow had been mowed, brazier fired up and barbecue facilities prepared for hungry and thirsty hashers. Did I say "Thirsty"? Best of all, Forrest had laid on a barrel of Black Tor Blonde at a meagre £3/pint....excellent.

 

Shitfaced welcomed all into the circle. This included some returnees, TT and partner, and some faces that I didn't recognise. I think these were Forrest's neighbours. Announcements comprised the notification of the venue for next week's hash and hash theme and a request from Man-Pig for a volunteer to do the Words.

 

In respect of the latter, there were no takers. Man-Pig then forgot to pressgang some poor unfortunate into penning this week's Words, so ended up doing them himself. What a fukwit.

Forrest briefly described the trail but was rather vague on distances. Yes. There was a Walkers', and at least three, maybe four Long/Short splits. Then there was some mention of a tree bearing a strange crop; a crop of carrier bags with tractors printed on them.

 

The Trail

Now, the Teign Valley has been pretty well-trodden by TVH3 over the years. There was always going to be the risk of running over the same old ground and the trails getting a tad repetitive. However, never fear. Forrest is a cunning old fox if ever there was one. His knowledge of the Valley is encyclopaedic and he also has a lot of land-owning neighbours. Some of them are Hash friendly, others not. So it was with delight that we learned that we would be running over some virgin territory. This, together with Forrest's ability to bamboozle hashers by reversing trails and running the same ground both in darkness and daylight, resulted in hashers failing to twig that they had covered most of the trail within the past 9 months - albeit in the dark.

 

The Walkers, Shorts and the Longs exited Forrest's meadow heading downstream along the River Teign. At the old Trusham railway station, the Walkers and the Shorts bore right and over Crocombe Bridge to commence the ascent up Warm Hill.

 

The Longs were taken on a short loop up Farley Hill then a check which took them right on a minor road towards Northwood Farm. This was before climbing over a gate, crossing the disused railway line, and returning to Crocombe Bridge along the banks of the Teign. Now, even this short loop was not without its issues.

 

The FRB's, comprising Beefy, Wood Lend, and Erection (no Wet Johnny as he is nursing a hamstring injury), had overrun a partially obliterated mark and had engaged in an unplanned canter down to the coachworks. Was this Pooke piracy? Who knows?

 

Back on trail, it wasn't long before we arrived at the Walkers' split from the Longs and the Shorts. This was at the lower reaches of Warm Hill. The Walkers would bear right and continue up to the bottom of Teign Village from where they would be the first to enjoy/suffer the virgin territory.

 

A little further up Warm Hill came the first of the Long/Short spits that would take the Shorts into Hennock. Further up Warm Hill again we came to a check at a minor crossroads. Arkangel made a beeline for Five Lanes by running through a cross whilst the FRB's followed the trail left and downhill only to be befuddled by a strange mark. So befuddled in fact that Wood Lend was on the phone to his Dad for some insider knowledge.

 

At this point, the Hare arrived. "What's a circle with a cross in it?" asked Beefy. "A back-check" came the Hare's reply. By this time, Deep Semen had found the trail rising up Shameface Lane. The FRB's now had swollen to include Swinger & friend, Ned, Well Hopped, Pisswell, Beefy, Erection, Wood Lend, and Deep Semen.

 

At the top of Shameface Lane, we arrived at another Long/Short split at Five Lanes. The Shorts were directed into Hennock whilst the Longs endured the interminable climb up a beautiful footpath up to Chericombe Cross and another check. By the time we got there, it had been kicked out by either Strap-On or Piddler after Smellie's hard work of doing all the checking. However, the kicking out wasn't too clear and could have had the following Hashers going down one of two roads. And this is exactly what was going on with the FRB's.

 

The Hare realigned the kicked-out section of the check and all FRB's were now on the long descent down Bell Lane and into Hennock. Outside the Palk Arms, another Long/Short split.

There was some thought of going Short until the Hare suggested doing the Long. Yes. It would be a little further but we would be going down a footpath last trod by TVH about 12 years ago and we would have the opportunity to find the elusive "Bag tree".

 

So it was that we all ran up the cul-de-sac that is Church Lane. Just past the church, a huge arrow took us through a five-bar gate and into what appeared to be someone's driveway. It was! However, it was also the route of a pretty underused public footpath. 

 

The beginning of the footpath was 6 feet high in foliage and brambles but it wasn't long before it opened up to provide a lovely viewpoint across the valley towards Tinkley quarry.

 

As the once visible footpath disappeared, it was time to keep an eye out for the "bag tree" that would get us back on trail. Conscious of keeping the countryside tidy, the bag was recovered and we continued a steep, and uneven, descent to the road and the next check.

 

It had already been kicked out uphill. We ascended the road to Brandiron Cross where an arrow took us downhill and through Teign Village.

 

At the lower edge of the village, a huge arrow directed us left and into the first of three fields. This was the virgin territory and we had now rejoined the Walkers' Trail. Despite quite high wheat and grass in places, the marks were good. The last field had us on a very steep descent to the bottom of Warm Hill.

 

We retraced our steps towards Crocombe Bridge but, before arriving at the bridge, a large "OH" and an arrow had us diverting into Trucker's field and the promised river crossing - of which there were two! If you fancied getting waist-high in water, take the Longs' crossing with the blue nylon rope. If you were a wuss, as were all of the back marking FRB's, it was the ankle-deep river crossing for us with a hessian rope for support.

 

Forrest had thought of everything. On the far side of the river, there were two aluminium ladders to aid our clambering back into Forrest's recently mowed meadow.

Trail complete. Now for a Black Tor Blonde - or two?

 

The Down-Downs

There were only two physical awards present from the previous two weeks but there were also some stories of misdemeanours en trail to recount.

 

First up was Smellie. She had the jester hat to award but nearly ended up giving it to herself as she was in some sort of a time warp.

 

Smellie started by describing a trail that she'd done the previous day! Eventually, the story unfolded of Smellie, Strap-On, and Piddler running together and coming to a check. Piddler, unchivalrously, suggested that Smellie do the checking whilst a recalcitrant Strap-on stuck firmly close to the check. A vote was called for and won by Strap-On for "Recalcitrant behaviour".

 

Next was Shitfaced. He recalled a story from the weekend about a boozy party and someone who had to be taken home by taxi. Worse still, the same person was sick in the taxi. The hat went to iPoo'd to a chorus of Chumba Wumba but retitled "Chunder Wonder".

 

Stories: Beefy had a story about lost property recovered from the previous week's hash. It was an item of clothing and Beefy removed his polo shirt to reveal a t-shirt with a photo of a leopard on it. "Any takers?". Yes. It was Rambo's. A memento of his recent holiday in South Africa and he hadn't even realised that he'd lost it! A note for the "Forgetful one".

 

One down-down left. Normally this would have gone to the Hare. not only for planning and laying the trail but also for his legendary hospitality. However, there was another contender. A virgin. Threesum announced that her partner, Martin, had actually done the Walker's trail. Now Martin has been coming to the Hash on and off for over a year but has never run.....until now. A very poor rendition of Madonna's, "Like a virgin touched for the dry first time....." had Martin downing his half of ale in double-quick time.

 

Thank you again Forrest for your hospitality and your cunning ingenuity. Even Beefy didn't realise that he'd been on most of the trail before; the cover of darkness!

 

Next week

The Park Inn, Kingskerswell. It is Independence Day in the USA and, accordingly, there is a theme for the evening: come dressed as something American. The American theme will extend to the food as well as burgers will be on the barbecue. Hares are Shitfaced and Bluebird.

 

On-On to next week.

MAP FOR TINKLEY BOTTOM MONDAY 27TH JUNE

 

A CREAM TEA 'SUMMER NIGHTS' SAFARI ON THE EVE OF MIDSUMMER'S EVE

 

TVH3 The Words for 20th June 2022 - Sousson's Plantation, Postbridge

Run No. 1922

 

HARE: Pisswell

Sweeper: Beefy

 

Who wuz there: Pisswell, Beefy, Shitfaced, Man-Pig, Forrest-Stump, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Manopause, Wet-Johnny, Erection, Slip-on-Me, Coldtits, Rambo, Teapot, Wetfart, Well Hopped, Big End, Ned, a lot of scones and Ros joining us in the pub and, finally, a very rare Brough Superior that sounded like a pneumatic woodpecker! (apologies to Piddler for omitting him from last week's roll call)

 

The Circle

Well, what a wonderful evening after the previous day's winds. The views, and much virgin territory, made the journey well worthwhile.

 

The size of the circle ebbed and flowed as various incontinent members of the Hash came and went and always left the gate open! Once gathered there was a brief description of the trail with the Longs at circa 5 1/2 miles. Far more importantly, Pisswell gave us directions to get to the On-Down, The East Dart Hotel at Postbridge.

 

The Trail - by Pisswell

 

PIZWELL SUMMER NIGHTS

TV hashing, it’s been a blast

Summer solstice happened so fast

Virgin new territory

Pretty drive, as cute as can be

Summer days drifting away

And Soussons well into the night

=====================

Well-a well-a well-a, huh

Tell me more, tell me more

=================

Did you circle up nude?

Round the hut circle dance?

Or was Pisswell just rude?

=================

Shoo pa pa, shoo pa pa, shoo pa pa yeah

=================

They ran by me, as all bears do

They ran by me, off to the loo

I shut the gate, they nearly got seen!

Ordered meals for those that were keen

Summer sun, the hash then begun

But, oh, those summer nights

===================

Well-a well-a well-a huh

Tell you more? tell you more?

===================

They then split into three

Walkers down by the road,

Rest in Soussons and trees

=================

Shoo pa pa, shoo pa pa, shoo pa pa yeah

===========================

FRBs looking for checks all in line, they soon were wrecked

No hashing, rules, the others crisscrossed,

All in the woods and no one got lost!

Summer days, it was still light

So oh, no one lost in the night!

====================

Well-a well-a well-a huh

Tell you more? tell you more?

===================

We can’t take one more midge

We approached Merripit

To our first clapper bridge!

He got friendly, the troll was my mate

Followed shorts onto Lydgate!

====================

Went to Postbridge, the others ran on

Like the clappers, the short and the long

Summer dream in glorious light

And oh, those summer nights

===================

Well-a well-a well-a huh

Tell you more? tell you more?

===================

We stopped for cream tea

And our tea from the pot was elderberry!

It got later, it's where we depart

To on downs at The East Dart

===================

Bye to Pizwell, ignoring the moans

Through the stream and stepping stones

Thanks who came onto the moor

To enjoy these summer ………..n..I..g..h..t..s

==========================

 

The Down-Downs

Beefy gave the horned hat to Smellie for being a cow! Cue "Hold it in your hand Mrs Murphy"...

Piltdown Man awarded checking chicken hat to Manopause for wanting a pint of water at the scone stop - a note for the "Teetotaller".

 

Erection got a down-down for exiting the circle and raising the water level of Dartmoor reservoirs by 3 feet......and leaving the toilet door (well, gate actually) open!

 

Pisswell for being the Hare and confusing us with a check to nowhere - we should have sung, "I'm on a road to nowhere". This even confused the co-hare!

 

Next week

Tinkly Bottom with Hare Forrest Stump. Bring your own food. Barbeque facilities will be available and bring your booze if you don't want the barrel of beer (Black Tor blonde 3.8 abv) that Forrest is providing. Bring a tent if you want to stay the night.

Now it's goodbye from Man-Pig and goodbye from Summer Nights Pisswell.

 

On-On to next week.

MONDAY 20TH JUNE LOCATION MAP

 

SHERPA POLLYFELLA STARS ON THE EIGER SANCTION & A HALF-GALLON OF DOWN-DOWN BEER!

TVH3 The Words for 13th June 2022

The Ness Car Park, Shaldon - Run No. 1921

 

HARES: Swinger and Well Hopped

 

Who wuz there: Swinger, Well Hopped, Shitfaced, Bluebird, Man-Pig, Forrest-Stump, Arkangel, Smellie, Manopause, Wet-Johnny, Erection, Slip-on-Me, Coldtits, Rambo, Broadshit, Polyfella, Ernie, Teapot, Bobbiball, Kermit, Well Hopped's dad, Ned, 3 virgins (James, Paul +1 who are all related to the hares), Karl, Always Desperate, a lot of Morris Dancers!

 

THE CIRCLE

We circled up in a near-empty Ness car park. Despite the acres of space, Bobbiball still found it impossible to park die Panzerkampfwagon in a single parking bay. Subsequently, he found it equally impossible to complete the Walkers' Trail making him an official SCB. That aside, Shitaced welcomed all to the hash. Smellie, fresh from scribing last week's Words, now took on the mantle of recording attendees in Piltdown's absence.

 

The only announcements comprised next week's run. This will be another Pisswell extravaganza. From memory, I think we will be parking up adjacent to Sousson's Plantation which is quite near Grimspound - expect virgin territory. The exact details will be on the Facebook page.

 

Next Shitfaced welcomed three virgins to the hash and Teapot duly anointed them with flour. The first virgin got somewhat confused with the names of who had made her come. Was it Julia or Holly?.....not names recognised by the hash. The subsequent two virgins, James and Paul I think, learned quickly - "It was Well Hopped that made us cum"......that's better.

 

Swinger gave a brief description of the trail. Longs about 5 1/2; Shorts 4; Walkers, maybe 2 1/2. Forrest then wanted to know about Long/Short splits but Swinger was having none of it, "You'll have to find out for yourself".

 

THE TRAIL

The Shorts headed straight up the long steep hill that runs at the edge of Shaldon Golf Club. The Walkers were instructed to stay put - temporarily. The longs were directed, perplexingly, downhill past the Ness Hotel. The trail then looped up and around the top of the Ness before dropping down to rejoin the Shorts back near the car park.

 

Just before arriving at the golf course, we came to the first Long/Short split. Wet-Johnny was checking straight on and up towards the Torquay to Teignmouth Road whilst Pollyfella checked out the edge of the golf course. Bluebird, in Beefy's absence, had assumed the role of Hash Flash. "On-On" was the call from Pollyfella.

 

Once past the golf course, we came to the first split. But, if my memory serves me correctly, not the normal split. This was a Longs'/Walkers' split. Were the Walker's really doing the Long or is this amnesia?

 

A few yards of leafy path and - dismay. For there, in front of us, was a steep uphill expanse. Pollyfella was already 200 yards ahead and going strong. Bluebird was on camera duty just in front of me and Wet Johnny not far behind. I attempted to run but at the halfway point I gave up. Bluebird was keeping up with me by walking! At the summit, we looked back. The Penners were not far behind, Manopause and Erection. Just in arrears of them were Ernie and Broadshit and I think Swinger may have been sweeping with returnee Karl.

 

Out onto the A379 for a short while before dropping back onto the South West Coast Path heading southwest towards Labrador Cove. The marks then took us back onto the A379 where we crossed the road and ascended up to a check near the beacon. This had already been kicked out by Pollyfella who was now out of sight somewhere down Butterfly Lane (a corruption of Better Flee (the gibbet) Lane according to local historian, Bluebird). This is a track and we were now off-road.

 

Pollyfella checked left at the junction with Millen Lane and was not seen again until the pub. Wet-Johnny checked ahead, continuing along Butterfly Lane. We're "On" we called back to Pollyfella and received the expected response of, "On-On"........even if you weren't.

 

At the end of Butterfly Lane, an arrow took us left towards Stokeinteignhead and then, very soon, a check at the top of Dagra Lane. Man-Pig kicked it out even before Wet-Johnny called it "On".

After 400 yards, we arrived at another check at Pegwell Lane. The Pig checked down Pegwell Lane but it was not long before Wet-Johnny was heard calling "On" as he descended down Dagra Lane and onto Coombe Road.

 

An arrow guided us right towards Shaldon but then we arrived at a check at the junction with Higher Ringmore Road......not kicked out but Wet-Johnny was running back to do the necessary just as the Pig arrived. Once kicked out, it was into Ringmore and virgin territory for me. 

 

Eventually, an arrow and we were on a short track called Waterworks Lane. This rejoins tarmac at the junction with Lambert's Lane which then drops down to Coombe Road, but not before changing its name to Pepper Lane and then Salt Lane as we descended.

 

Wet Johnny was now out of sight. Despite excellent marks, the Pig took an unscheduled detour and had to retrace his steps - or should that be trotters?

 

The trail now followed the banks of the Teign. At the southern end of Shaldon Bridge it was straight across and down Riverside passing the back of the London Inn (this was originally planned as the On-Down but was even further from the Ness car park). Onto Marine Parade where I passed Teapot who, amazingly, had managed to park almost outside the Ferryboat Inn. 

 

Next, we passed the Black Bess Morris Dancers where Kermit was enjoying a pint and not having set foot on trail!

 

Finally, the last trek 400 yards uphill to the Ness car park. A very relaxed Wet-Johhny was waiting for me. He certainly didn't look like he'd just done 5.15 miles!

 

What a fantastic trail. Especially so when considering that it was Swinger's virgin lay and probably only Well Hopped's third or fourth trail. A job well done. Congratulations....you can lay again!

 

ADDITIONAL USELESS INFORMATION & TRIVIA

The Birdman of Maidencombe (2022) was finally tempted out of his nest by the very proximity of the trail and On Down. 

 

Waiting at the top of his road, the Bird heard a low rumbling sound just before Der rottenführer's Panzer burst into view, accompanied by a billowing black cloud of diesel fumes - The Eagle Has Landed (1976), Rock on Tommy! [Shirley sic Bobby Ball] ..

 

With the Bird terminally injured - It's Tough to Be a Bird (1969) - and Bobby riddled with an assortment of ailments, it was nothing short of a triumph for the desperate duo to make the Ness chariot tether. A useless right shoulder (shell fragments from Normandy) forced Bobby to slew the Panzer sideways into the parking bay - ignoring the torrent of abuse being hurled at him by the Grand Master and Forrest Stump, both fearful of being run down.

 

But Never Mind the Buzzcocks, adventure Shirley awaited on Swinger's virgin lay - but only if the fragile fuselage would hold up..

 

'I'll know after fifty yards if it's a goer Bobby, if not I'll Be Back.' (The Terminator 1984 you fools)

The inevitable climb south from the Ness House commenced with Sherpa Pollyfella spearheading the FRB's. A suspicious little huddle of walkers was encountered dithering just below the Pitch and Putt course. 'It has to be this way,' squawked the feathered one, though for some bewildering reason, Wet Johnny veered off to checkerido.. sigh.

 

Pollyfella knew it and the Bird knew it, the Himalayan slopes beckoned. Looming into view was the awesome and intimidating climb to the Labrador bends, high above in the clouds on the A379 corniche.

Sherpa Pollyfella was a hundred yards to the good in front, but on that gradient it was as good as a quarter of a mile. The Bird tipped his baseball hat in homage to the mountain goat who actually maintained a running gait to the top... Whoa!

 

The pain and suffering on the pack were pitiful to see - BroadS, fresh from his Buckland Bounder 6 miler on Saturday, led the Penners Manopause and Erection, both palpably unsuited to mountain climbing. Binoculars were needed to identify the rest of the pack just embarking on the alarming ascent.

Usual running buddy Man-Pig stole a march whilst I filmed the spectacular Eiger Sanction (1975) and that effectively was that.

 

Down Better Flee lane fled the Bird in vain pursuit. The last L/S split appeared at the bottom of the rutted country lane and old habits Die Hard (1988) as I turned onto the long briefly before sadly reining back onto the short.

 

Passing the Ferry Boat Inn at exactly 4 miles, the dashboard was awash with red warning lights. The sight of hashers reclining outside the pub made the last climb to the car park even harder.

I came, I saw and, most importantly, I got round! Thank you Swinger and Well Hopped!

 

THE DOWN-DOWNS

A spin of the coin decided the RA - Man-Pig.

 

Man-Pig was still recovering from having paid a staggering £5.40 (how much?) for a pint of Beavertown Neckoil (tasted like lemonade!) when Teapot arrived with excellent news. The pub had more than excelled by donating a full 4 pints of Tribute for the Down-Downs. Thank you Ferryboat Inn.....most generous and very gratefully received.

 

1st Down-Down: Smellie was going to award the horned hat to Shitfaced for being the Pied Piper of Hamlyn leading eight SCB's but Shitfaced had already gone to pick up his son. 

 

Always have a Plan B so Smellie selected dear old dad (Well Hopped) instead - a note for the inconsiderate father (which self-respecting Dad would let their daughter work in a brewery?)

 

2nd Down-Down: Teapot gave the Hash shirt to pink teeshirt attired Kermit for decamping immediately to the pub but making the error of trying to hide from onlookers - a note for the Pink Panther, please.

 

3rd Down-Down: No more physical awards to hand out. Nevertheless, Bobbiball got a Down-Down for pathetic parking - a note for Reginald Molehusband that transcended into the usual, "Bobbiball, Bobbiball, Bobbiball etc...." Never mind, as a result of being the driver, BB was topped up by Bobby's pint.

 

A BEER TOO FAR (2022)

Still far too much beer to give away. Were there any more stories? A civilian piped up, "I am Almost Desperate*. I used to run with you years ago. I never completed a run and have the badge to prove it". 'Come forth for a DD', implored Forrest but he made a beeline for the bar.

 

Bobbiball was put in the frame yet again and nominated for failing to complete the Walkers' trail but escaped a double down-down. 

 

Arkangel came to the aid of the party by dobbing Forrest in it for directing him to the toilets. Forrest called his own down-down with: 'Here's one for the urinals!' B'BOOM!

 

Finally, the hares had their well-earned drink to the chorus of 'Hold it in your hand, Mrs. Murphy' though Well Hopped almost collapsed with a laughing fit en route!

 

All leftover beer was kindly distributed by Forrest.

 

Thank the pub for the beer! Despite a fantastic 4 pints of Tribute contributed by the pub, the absent-minded RA forgot to thank the pub! 

 

I did, however, on several visits to refuel, thank Matt the landlord and Matt the barman for their hospitality.

 

* Actually Shaldon and Stokeinteignhead councillor Chris Clarance which might explain his reluctance to take a public Down-down.

 

NEXT WEEK

Sousson's Plantation near Grimspound, Dartmoor (not too far from the Warren House Inn). Exact details to be posted on our Facebook page.

 

Now it's Time to go home, time to go home, Man-Pig and BB are waving goodbye, goodbye..

On-On to next week!

YELLOW HAMMER, SAUSAGES & GREBES. OH MY!

TVH3 The Words for 6th June 2022 - The Horseshoe Centre, Heathfield - Run No. 1920

HARES: Beefy and Pisswell

 

Who wuz there: Beefy, Pisswell, Shitfaced, Soapy, Melonpicker, Man-Pig, Forrest-Stump, Hotlips, Zoot, Piltdown Man, Georgy Porgy, Smellie, Manopause, Wet-Johnny, Able Semen, Slip-on-Me, Coldtits, Piddler, Strap-On, Strap Dancer, Wetfart, Teapot, Bobbiball.

 

The Circle

We circled up in new territory - The Horseshoe Centre, Heathfield. This used to be a tiny village primary school and Forrest was delighted to tell us that he was one of their former alumni.

Shitfaced, having recovered from his excellent method acting of Captain Jack Sparrow, advised that the On-Down was The Star at Liverton. The food was sausage and chips at a heady £6.80 a head.

Man-Pig asked for a volunteer to do the Words. Piddler volunteered Smellie whilst Smellie was still tying up her shoelaces! 

 

Beefy introduced the trail. Marks were always on the right - except where they had been gone over by a lawnmower. Longs were about 5 miles. Longs and Shorts less!

 

The Trail - by S M Ellie

Arriving a bit flustered at the circle somewhere Newton Abbotish (?) I managed to inadvertently volunteer for the words while putting on my shoe. Damn! 

 

Announcements were made. Sorry, little recollection. I do, however, recall there being confusion about what’s medium? A balti and 175ml glass of Sauvignon Blanc. On a similar note, Beefy said there would be yellowhammers on the trail. Oh goody, I thought! 

 

Off we set into beautiful countryside. The FRB’s shot off! Given the current foot rehab status, I soon fell behind. Hey ho! That didn't last long. I was soon joined by Piddler, who was following up my rear [Shirley sic] and it was noted he had stopped moaning for the first time that evening. 

 

The trail was well marked and it was a lovely evening. Nobody to disturb my peace...

 

As the trail progressed, it seemed that the rather lovely Long's were rather short. Clocking only 3 miles, we passed the On Home marker. Damn again! 

 

As my rehab feet were faring ok, I wanted more. 

 

I had a cunning plan! Why not run the walkers trail? Well as it turns out... That was the plan. Anyhow. Funny that! All was well except somehow, we managed to do it backwards? 

 

Arriving in some woods, I heard mention of Yellowhammer. Yay! A Beer Stop! I was rather bemused by being told to listen. ‘It sounds like milk and bread’ Beefy exclaimed enthusiastically. No! Not Beer? It appeared the yellowhammer was of the feathered variety! Damn.

 

As we passed Georgie P, Piltdown. Soapy, Melon Picker, Zoot and Hot Lips and most of the Walking Crew, they all informed us: ‘You’re going the wrong way!’ Oh, the shame! Well, anyone foolish enough to follow me deserves it! 

 

Trekking along a stunning riverbank, I heard a voice from above in the trees. ‘Look Grebes!' How did Coldtitz do that? And what are Grebes? Sounds like an STD?!

 

Further along the river, there was a photo opportunity to be had. Pisswell joined us, making Piddler the thorn between the roses. (You’re welcome!) 

 

We continued backwards on trail to the On Home.

Joining Piltdown and Georgie P In the car, we made bets on the final score. We caught the results. Boris remains in da House. Politics over and time for a beer at the Star.

 

Talk at the table of the hash descending on a beer festival. One for Wet Jonny! Then the expensive sausage debacle. We were instructed to eat up to help out. Money in the pot. Threesome would have a turn! 

 

The Down Downs

Able Seaman awarded the hare the birthday hat for the stunning trail that was enjoyed by all.

Soapy ran out of options after her first choice had already gone home. Finding Beefy taken, she opted for Teapot though I don’t recall his misdemeanour. However, the down down receptacle nearly found an alternative use as a barf bucket. 

 

I am happy to report that Teapot recovered himself well. Piddler was awarded a 500 badge and almost a double down down for being distracted on the trail.

S. M.Ellie was called up to help. (As the Word mistress I can be economical with the truth!) I can also report 'beaten by a woman' was chanted! 

 

The final award, now known as the Checking chicken hat, Wet Fart awarded to Piltdown man for his navigation skills during the perilous journey from Teignmouth. He gallantly delivered Georgie, myself and Choca safely to the hash. 

 

So endeth the account, as much as I can recall. Many thanks to the Hare for a beautiful and memorable trail. A great time was had by all!

 S.M. Ellie

 

The Down-Downs - backup notes by MP

 Forrest-Stump presiding:

 

1st Down-Down: Able Semen gives the first award to Beefy for a lovely trail on virgin ground and with wonderful vistas and wildlife.

 

2nd Down-Down: Wetfart gives the Hashshit shirt to Teapot - can't remember why. Hopefully, Smellie will remember. (Oh no she didn't!)

 

3rd Down-Down: Beefy has the Horned hat to give away. I simply wasn't paying attention. I can't remember who had it. Amnesia has set in....or is it dementia?

 

4th Down-Down: There is a 500-run badge to award. This goes to Piddler. He didn't even want a whole half-pint so he wanted to share it with Smellie; something about Smellie's rear. Anyway, there was a spare beer so they ended up downing a half each.

 

5th Down-Down: Finally there was a half-pint of water. I can't remember who had it or for what. It may have been awarded to Beefy for a bit of a cock-up regarding the food. Apparently Beefy had advised the pub that they might expect to have up to 15 hashers wanting to eat. The pub had interpreted that as a confirmed order for 15 sausage and chips at £6.80/head! 

 

The upshot of all this was that Beefy initially paid for all the sausage and chips as we didn't want to risk alienating the pub and blacklisting TVH3 (this hasn't happened since the episode with Mavis and his exposed undercarriage at the Cleave at Lustleigh). 

 

The sausage and chips were brought out on trays in any event after the Down-Downs. Teapot partially explained what had happened and suggested that we simply put some money in the pot to contribute towards the food - which they did, generously. 

 

The shortfall should be made up from hash funds as it was a genuine misunderstanding. 

 

These things do happen to even the most experienced hashers as both MP and BB know only too well!

I forgot that one of the awards was to Piltdown Man for not reading the traffic report. There was an accident on the Teignmouth/Wear barton road which caused Piltdown, Georgie and Smellie almost to miss the Circle. I think Beefy made this award and it made to a chorus of, "Here's to the misguided one etc....."

 

Next week

The Ness car park, Shaldon with the On-Down at the Ferry Boat Inn. Hares are Well Hopped and Swinger.

 

It's time to say goodbye from SM Ellie and goodbye from MP.

 

ON ON to next week!