TRAILS OF THE UNEXPECTED

Run #1835 Monday 24th February Wiggy's 69th Birthday Hash from Newtons Free House, Newton Abbot

 

Another wicked Wiggster Birthday Trail and you'd better beware when you go down to the woods tonight, t't't teddy bears everywhere...

 

But patience, mes Misérables munchkins, we'll get to the woods a bit later Shirley.

 

'Here is where we will be and car parking shouldn't be a problem'... Thus spoke the Wally and Shirley Chaos was her name when the Bat arriv-ed to take his assured spot in the upper car park - NOT! Jam-packed it was as were the roads roundabout and thereabouts. Forced to repair the Batmobile to Wolborough car park half a mile away, I wuz legging it back when Piddler picked me up. The Piddler was not taking no as an answer and found a space recently vacated, Oh Luck of the Irish.

 

Teapot called it at thirty five and I believe I can name the shigateers plus two for luck:

 

GM Shitfaced, Teapot, Piltdown, Georgy, I-Poo'd, T Humper, Soapy, Melon Picker, Artful Dogger, Plonker, Wet Johnny, Erection, Able, Coldtits, 3Sum, SatNav, Wetfart, Bobby Woll, Wiggy69, Poles Piddler, Fukarwi, Forrest, Popeye, Well Hopped, Big End, Fishbait, Small Fry, Archangel, Fallen Woman, Broken Man, Manpig, Strap-On, SM Ellie, virgin, Gaga4It, Triple Jump, BB 37

 

Arriving a tad late for the circle (legged it back down to Wolborough CP to fetch the chariot) I missed some of the preamble but was in time for the Birthday Wiggster's spiel. Trails three there Shirley were - a long of 6.9 M, a short of 6.9 KM and a walkers' of 6.9 furlongs... No? Well that's wot he said, don't shoot the messenger please. Oh, nearly forgot, a SS somewhere along the way. 

 

I suspected this might be a toughie (as was the Wiggster's wont on his Birthday ritual) the way that he smiled thinly and said: 'You longs are really going to enjoy the trail...' And we were pointed down the hill and released on our 'Almost no hills and nearly dry underfoot' trail... sigh

 

A large group of wannabe longs gathered at the first check: Manpig, Well Hopped, Big End, WJ, Erection, Artful Dogger, Plonker, Fukarwi, Forrest, Popeye, Fishbait, Small Fry, Strap-On and SM Ellie and it wasn't long before we hit the muddy slopes. It was happening fast out there and you had to react accordingly. Artful Dogger went sharply left calling ON ON as the main body of the longs kept smashing right. Fukarwi and the Bat followed the Artful speed machine but we came unstuck in Bakers Park and had to return to seek assistance from the Birthday Boyo. Well Hopped and Ned doggedly [Shirley sic] headed on out towards Bradley Manor before giving it best and wheeling.

 

Up to Wolborough Church we trekked and a horrible suspicion form-ed as I recalled 'Shoeless and Clueless on the Wig Wam Wiggle' exactly a year ago. It was there that the hash was led through the field forever known as the 'Slurry with the Flour on top'.

 

Well, Fukarwi, me old mucker [sic you fools] I was right, we did venture into the Slurry with the Flour on Top - even though there was a pernicious cross just past the deepest part....grrrrr. That was nasty Wiggy, really nasty.

 

Undeterred, the pioneers wended back to the church and there was quite a gathering awaiting the scouts' return.

 

Down the Coach Road it was - to the next 'minor' test. HA!

 

Manpig knew it and the Bat knew it - Killer Hill alongside Decoy Brake. Halfway up a wounded and half dead warrior lifted his head and entreated the gods on high: 'Is that all you've got Wiggy, IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT!'

 

Two tests down and just one more to gogo - the Teddy Bears Picnic in the woods...

 

By now, the longs were just that, strung out with mighty gaps between hashers and confusion, never far away return-ed heavily tinged with mud.

 

On a descent of hellish mud, Able and Gaga4It hove into view and appeared to be trying to scramble up a near vertical side of the bank though I couldn't see any form of path. They didn't seem to be on any part of the 'official' trail and were evidently intent on finding the exit from Doomsday Wood. Ladies, I would have stopped to offer assistance but I was having some difficulty navigating the trail myself as other longs (Coldtits, Popeye and Fukarwi to name but three) would testify.

Able and Gaga4It weren't alone in their Trails of the Unexpected* however, as an even stranger trail tale emerged post hash.

 

Wet Johnny and Plonker had also erred from the trail and had come across 3Sum who was mixing short and long trails and had somehow departed from the play grid. It was difficult to comprehend what was going on as the shorts and longs came charging out onto the trail from right angles. Then again, just as strange was Fukarwi, washing the mud from his legs although there was plenty more to come... sigh.

A veritable Piccadilly Circus was the flatlands of Bradley woods as WJ, Plonker, Artful Dogger, 3Sum, SatNav, Piltdown and Georgie converged with Fukarwi, Erection and the Bat. Shirley a triumph by the hare some four miles into the trail.

 

It was a relief to get onto tarmac and actually run but suddenly there was Wigwam at the SS wondering why we hadn't got there sooner... sigh.

 

Mention must be made of Coldtits who arrived in the pub as the DDs were taking place. She had tarried by the river (Lemon) crossing as she had heard the frog frenzy mating calls and taken some photos (one inserted below).

 

With apologies to W H Davies:

 

'What is this hash, if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs and stare as longs at sheep or cows'.

 

No more surprises and gently did we glide back down the hill to the pubberino. Bobby was just entering sporting some fine bright white tennis shoes. 'I'll have a Spitfire Bob, see you in two shakes..'

 

Newtons Free House was ours to enjoy, tables and bar with Wiggy69 enjoying the fruits of his labour with that so well-earned beer.

 

The disco music was playing a favourite and the Bat went a dancing, completely oblivious that Fishbait was filming from the bar. You missed my best moves Shirley.

 

A great trail and I for one, was pleased as Punch to get round it and all that did are to be congratulated. It wasn't for the faint-hearted was it?

 

Quite a Night to Remember for 3Sum, Able and Gaga4It on their Trails of the Unexpected and they managed to go nearly as far as the longs in the end!

 

Well done Wiggy, old lad, and many more of these Birthday hashes to come!

 

*Didulikethat? No? Well...

 

WIGGY69 DOWNDOWNS directed by Fallen Woman

ERECTION (White Bat) for swerving round a hasher and slipping up.

DANCING BAT (Ceremonial Bat) awarded in absentia by Small Fry for diabolical parking.

FORREST (Hashit Pillock shirt) a revenge DD by Bobby Woll who had to have his hair cut after snide comments.

WIGWAM of course for his killer trail and 69 Birthday.

 

ON ON to next week and The Lord Nelson Kingskerswell (TQ12 5JB) 7:15pm with Hare Shitfaced

7

A SAD STORY, CONVERTED TO REGGAE & AN OUTRAGEOUS BLEACHED PERM

#1834 Monday 17th February from the King's Arms at Kingsteignton with Fishbait & Small Fry

 

A fair to middlin' turnout from the King's Arms car park but at least it wasn't raining:

 

GM Shitfaced, I-Poo'd, Teapot, Piltdown, Georgie, Check Mate, Big End, Well Hopped, Ollie, Ellie, Fukarwi came back at last, Manpig, Wet Johnny, Erection, Manopause, Fishbait, Small Fry, Knotty, Soapy, Palmolive, Allo Vera, Wash 'n ' Go, Poles Piddler, Coldtits, Only Here, Dog End, McMuffin Weeny Whopper, Mouldy, Popeye, 69, Able, Hotlips, Zoot, BroadS, Doris, 3Sum, SatNav, Forrest, Pisswell and BB 41 all told with Melon Picker and Bobby making the pub later.

 

However, I really don't want to discuss the weather after Saturday's near death experience, but after witnessing the deluge decided that the trail shoes would be wisest and promptly left them on the draining board... sigh. So only had the one pair of road shoes to go out and play in.

 

The pub CP was soon rammed to capacity with latecomers in Ever Decreasing Circles Desperately Seeking (Susan) a space.

 

Fishbait and Small Fry arrived just before the circle with the glad tidings: A long, a short, a walkers' with one L/S split and a SS and, as no-one wanted to call the 'off' I legged it stage left from the tunnel of fear.

 

Abandoning after only a mile the previous week, I couldn't help thinking that a similar fate awaited early on, but with growing confidence, there was little sign of the injury and working on the adage 'you're only young once' I had agogo..

 

Up to the church and the longs began to form up. Wet Johnny was cruising in the van (vanguard you fools not a van van) baby and that rascal Popeye must have felt lucky as he was bang there with a neon FRB flashing on his back. Manpig, without the weakener of an A-B was looking good and it was going pretty well I thought. How wrong I was though...

 

Flat and good footing as we cruised over the Town Quay Bridge with a strong sense of deja vu.

First mistaka occurred when WJ and the Bat missed the trail by the River Lemon and had to play catch up.

 

Not so much traction along the side of Whitelake and the lonesome Bat emerged onto the Avenue roundabout to see Fishbait and the little fella waiting across the road - was this the mythical site of the SS Oh Dearly Where are My Berties?

 

It was here Oh Dearly I'm Going To Tell You a Sad Story that my destiny was seal-ed.

Being old and hard of hearing, I thought that Fishbait said 'At the flooded bridge go up into the woods' and armed with that info, I set off with hope in my heart plus a desire to get back to the longs.

Threading my back and there was Fukarwi and BroadS chatting away and further ahead Manopause, Erection, Forrest and Muttley HA!

 

Then loom-ed a flooded section and there seemed to be a turn up into the woods - so Shirley this was the place foretold? With a cry of triumph the Bat ascended to meet his destiny. At the summit, an awful vista unfolded... A taunting cry 'ON ON' came from WJ on the OTHER side of a Stalag style perimeter fence. 'Where are the marks?' did cry Manopause and the wiser headed ones turned.

 

However Trevor, the Bat was sticking to the plan - 'I swear I can get through!' and down to the seven foot razor-tipped fence he plunged. Skirting the fence it looked like it was only going to work but then a wall of brambles barred the way. No way out, no way out* and the expletive echoed for miles..

Guffaws aplenty from the other side and that was that. Whatamistakatomaka...

 

Then the Hash gods did frown and the heavens opened with the everlasting and inevitable downpour and my right calf muscle went into spasm. It was good to be alive.

 

But there's always a game to play on any hash and there were other hashers following. Deciding to go long were Well Hopped and little Ollie who was preparing for an upcoming 10k run. Only ten years old, the little lad was game as a pebble and wanted to make 5 miles on the run. Loitering outside the King's Arms, Piltdown watched in bewilderment as the trio of hashers went up and down the road past him three times to get the 5 mile readout.

 

An excellent run Fishbait and Small Fry and I can see the funny side of my detour now.

 

The King's Arms was packed with footie followers and the DDs were commenced at the half time interval in case some were displeased. Only there for the beer Bobby was spotted sporting a bleached perm and was swiftly summoned forward for the outrage. The sarnies and chips were plentiful and after Forrest had bought me a pint of Otter Reggae 4.0 abv I was converted from the Legend for the duration.

 

Did we have fun? Shirley yes, thanks Fishbait & Small Fry.

 

* The Producers 1967

 

DOWNDOWNS & AWARDS

SMALL FRY (White Bat Hat) for his efforts laying the trail

BLUEBIRD possibly for going off trail

MANOPAUSE for comments about Able's sex potions

BOBBY WOLL for his white perm

POPEYE has his 50 run badge at last

 

ON ON to next week from Newtons Free House. Birthday Hash Highweek Rd, Newton Abbot TQ12 1TP Circle 7:15 with Hare Wigwam, for his 69th Birthday Celebration.

MIGHT AS WELL HASH IT, YOU'RE ADDICTED TO LOVE*

Run #1833 Monday 10th February 'Love Trail' from the Manor Inn at Galmpton with Coldtits & Shitfaced

The weather bit savage again Monday eve with plummeting temperatures and the threat of icy showers. Little wonder then that numbers were markedly down cometh the love circle out in gibbous Galmpton. Lurgy bound hashers also had to cry off as the love starved stalwarts assembled and were recorded thus Oh Dearly Now It's Time To Love (Red Velvet):

GM Shitfaced, Teapot, Piltdown, Georgy, 3Sum, SatNav, SM Ellie, Fallen Woman, Wet Johnny, Manopause, Erection, 69, Only Here 4 Beer, Dog End, McMuffin, Weenie Whopper, Coldtits, Wigwam, Stung Down Under, virgins Ryan and Kelvin, Able, Big End, Well Hopped, Roger, Polyfella and BB. Twenty seven lovers all told.

Pre-circle titillation ensued when Wet Johnny beckoned Coldtits with a suggestive 'Look what I've got for you..' then raising his fluorescent jacket to reveal - oh horror of horrors - a pair of leering eyes astride his Love Gun (Kiss) red love flashy shorts. Dialogue cannot do justice to the awful scene though taken aback were those that witnessed the opening love gambit...Score a bonus point WJ with your Look of Love (Burt Bacharach).

Wind chill took the temperature well below 39f and the lovelorn lovelies listened with shuffling feet to the Maestro Himself who explained what was on the Love Menu this frosty night.

Two L/S splits, a short and a walkers' trail with a Love SS along the byways, the GM adding that prizes would be forthcoming later on and the tiny band was scattered three ways: Longs to the left, shorts to the right and walkers straight on...

The Love Long Distance (The Gossip) longs comprising Wet Johnny, Manopause, Erection, Big End, Well Hopped, Kelvin and Polyfella went Pete Tong and Wong Wei turning left across the common but regained the trail back outside the Manor Inn.

Big End shouted 'Man down' as an injured hasher - Where Did Our Love Go (The Supremes) peeled off for the beer - remember to always inform a buddy if you can't continue.

The Love Table SS, well adorned with red cloth and hearts galore was a little sparsely attended - perhaps a tad too far for the Lovers Walk walkers (Elvis Costello & the Attractions) and Love Gun WJ was given the blame for leading some of the longs past the SS at a partially smudged marker.

Poor Well Hopped suffered a tumble in some far flung field and the following love songs can but console her: Can't Help Falling In Love (Elvis) or I'll Never Fall In Love Again (Tom Jones) or Love Hurts (Nazareth) or Fallen In Love (Alice Cooper) and Why Do Fools Fall in Love (Diana Ross). No? Well....

It was snug back at the Love Shack (The B-52's) (Manor Inn you fools) and a sharp shower - I Love a Rainy Night (Eddie Rabbitt) made the bar look mighty attractive. No contest for the best dressed hasher with our Grand Master natty in whistle and flute plus red snooker waistcoat - contrasting sharply with the Penners who preferred ultra casual Bermudas and flip-flops in deepest winter....sigh

Three harriets were mentioned in despatches: Love harriet with blonde tresses and candy stripe schoolgirl stockings - ah, I remember a girlfriend from my schooldays in 1944 well.. I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. A red check trousered chick who was the life and soul of the 'Love-in' and a pretty party dressed harriet. You know who you were ladies.


Well, there we have it my little lovebirds everywhere so Goodnight My Love (Jesse Belvin) and happy Valentine's Day upcoming. As young 69 said 'I felt the love man'.

*Robert Palmer

AWARDS

WELL HOPPED (white bat hat) A Victim of Love (Erasure) for taking a tumble.

WET JOHNNY (vampire bat hat) A Look of Love (Burt Bacharach) and for leading some of the longs away from the SS - but making it himself!

ABLE Lost Love (Judas Priest) who went to the wrong pub.

PRIZE WINNERS

BIG END Love Survive (Michael Nau) the Love Survival kit

ONLY HERE 4 BEER & DOG END the Candlelit Romantic Dinner for two.

POSTSCRIPT
A real Labour Of Love (Hue & Cry) by hares Coldtits and Shitfaced who were hampered by Sunday's Storm Ciara, forcing a partial lay Saturday and again on the Monday reinstating washed out marks. A hard core 'love-in' tarried a while after the hash proper had departed and it was a Proper Job (even at £4:20 a pint) evening. Virgin Kelvin travelled 36 miles from Saltash and 69 continues to support many a TV hash from up on Dartmoor even though he seldom has the opportunity to get to the pub after the run - well done both of you.
Apologies for the brief words this week as I was unable to complete the trail.

Must love you and leave you now..

ON ON to next week Monday 17th from The Kings Arms, Kingsteignton TQ12 3EG Circle 7:15 with Hares Fishbait & Small Fry

JUST BEAUT

Run #1832 Monday 3rd February Australian Night from the Park Inn with T Humper & I-Poo'd

 

Parky in the Park car park [sic] and a lone idiot was chanting dementedly. So come along sports, singalong with me to get you warmed up early in these shenanigans:

 

Oh tie me kangaroo down sport

Tie me kangaroo down

Who let me wallaby out trout*

Tie me kangaroo down

Come on let's hear it

TIE ME KANGAROO...

 

No? Well please yourselves then.

 

And an extra verse for SM Ellie's splendid (even though she had to explain what it was) cockatoo outfit:

Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl
Keep me cockatoo cool
Ah, don't go acting the fool, Curl
Just keep me cockatoo cool
Altogether now!

 

Yes, it was Aussie Night in aid of the fire afflicted animals and the outback outfits arrived: Strap-On with splendid face paint flag; Wiggy in gay beachwear; Mummy Soapy and baby Palmolive koalas; T Humper in koala sleepover kit and the inevitable cork hats too manifold to mention.

The roll call was:

Winfield, Teapot, Piltdown, Georgie, Coldtits, Wet Johnny, Erection, 69, Wigwam, SM Ellie, Soapy, Palmolive, 3Sum, SatNav, Grinder, Big End, Well Hopped, Slip on Me, Only Here 4 the Beer, Dog End, McMuffin, Weenie Whopper, I-Poo'd, T Humper, Manpig, Just Coming, Doris, Gaga4It, Brenda, Forrest, Strap-On, Archangel, BB 33 all told and ably supported later by Para and the legendary Bobby Woll.

 

Circle up and they awaited the pep talk from T Humper. A SIX miler long and Manpig was extremely aghast; a three mile or so short trail and of coursey the walkers' trail which would presumably be the trail of choice for Mrs Doubtfire - more on this a bit later, Oh Dearly Who the Hell Wuz That sport.

A gentle start saw cobber Wiggy lead the pack down the hill with Grinder sans Deep Throat (evening in doing his washing) and warrior Wet Johnny right behind.

 

T Humper had indicated that it was a 'runners' trail for the longs and she was Shirley right. Gloriously did WJ, Grinder, Manpig, Erection, Forrest and the Bat flee along the languid lanes.

Surprisingly missing from our merry band were Big End/Ned and Well Hopped and we looked back a few times to see where they were but they were on the short as Well Hopped wasn't too well.

Home territory for Manpig and he was the man to follow, steering Forrest and the Bat clear of Grinder and WJ before they inevitably closed up again.

 

About three miles under our belts when an arrow pointed menacingly upwards into the woods and off-trail for the first time.

 

It had been a great rolling trail and the cool ones beckoned from only a mile away and, after all, I was very old and decrepit and I had my Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia racing flats on.... shall I continue or do you get the vague notion that I didn't Go West Young Man...

Fearing that the Bat might be mugged, Forrest and Manpig escorted him back to the Gun Dog Park, Manpig veering off for a wash and brush up at his drum en routey.

We came upon a Child of God, he was jogging along the path towards us and there was Archangel, ploughing a lonely furrow down the short and, as usual sport, playing the game.

 

Close to home by the railway bridge was a wandering Erection, babbling incoherently about sightseeing in North Whilborough.

 

Exactly four tarmac miles recorded and I summoned my Gun Dog at the bar before being intercepted by T Humper. 'How was it BB?' My guilty look said it all. 'Oh, it took me hours to lay!' So sorry T Humper, the spirit was lacking and I can only blame it on the Gun Dog - now where have I heard that before?

 

But never mind, Grinder and Wet Johnny (did extra loop as well) and I think SM Ellie completed the long. The shorts were full of praise for the short trail which was mainly off-road and all were soon safely back to commence the fun and frolics.

 

Slip on Me was made up to the nines in her classy Dame Edna Everage garb and 3Sum certainly looked the part but many had made a fair dinkum effort. Good on ya sports.

 

*Poetic licence sports

 

WINFIELD'S MEMORIES of #1832 Mon.3rd Feb

Following an appeal from our Australian colleagues, to help the animals effected by bush fires An Australian Eve at The Park Inn Kingskerswell was organised by Hares:T.Humper & I'Pood "Wear something Australian" was the call for this special event with I'Pood baking cakes etc while T.Humper organised the Bush Tucker Challenge to help boost funds.

 

Hashers rose to the occasion immediately, with an excellent turnout of Australian costumes dressed as either people or Animals with £232.03 raised so far to help the injured animals in Australia but we will be collecting next week as well for all of those who missed this week

 

.Firstly last eve, a great a trail, where we could well have been deep in the outback bush when the 50/50 trail led us off road to some of the muddiest tracks ever! some even turned back here!

The police questioned Piltdown and Georgie who were in costume! when some unusual characters were spotted on a bridge throwing turnips at passing cars!

 

All was sorted, when we were finally able to kicked off the muddy shoes and change before and heading into Little Australia at the Park Inn.

 

T.Humper's Bush Tucker Challenge was now in place, DD nominations had a choice, pay the price eat the Tucker or face a DD First some bulls eyes to swallow with Slip-On me and Palmolive who did fail that the test! Next Fish eye drink with both Grinder and Erection taking the Challenge! McMuffin had her Birthday DD without a problem but Bobbiball has a problem with those Crickets. Archangel mastered the didgeridoo But Just Coming needed to wash those Meal Worms down quickly!

 

A great evening well done T.Humper & I,Pood, no doubt we will increase on the current donation for Australian animals

 

POSTSCRIPT

A bonza evening at the Park and all credit to I-Poo'd and T Humper (not forgetting Park and Ride of course) for their magnificent efforts to make it happen. The Bush Tucker Challenges struck fear into some and Erection has threatened reprisals from being nominated but it was all good fun though possibly not 'in the best possible taste' for the nominees. We loved it all T Humper and such a good cause. Summed up in a word - BEAUT.

And finally, where the hell did the Crocodile Dundee inflatable croc come from? I woke up Tuesday morning to find it sleeping next to me on the top bunk bed. Yes, quite an evening.

 

ON ON to next week at The Manor Inn Galmpton our "Love Trail" with Shitfaced and Coldtitz

MAGNIFICENT

Run #1831 Monday 27th January from the Drum Inn, Cockington with Beefy & Pisswell

The Batmobile nosed cautiously up the drive to the Drum and slotted seamlessly into the one remaining space available. It was 6:30 pm.

Next to arrive at 6:50 pm was Able who had to repair to the Sheriff of Nottingham car park below the Drum. Walking down to greet the advance troops, I noticed the (unlit so how could you see it?) pub sign with the 'welcoming' legend scrolled beneath: Drum Inn - NO PARKING - please park in the (pay 24/7) car park opposite. I bet that's popular with locals in winter.

No illuminated pay board but it was there, skulking at the rear wall to extract parking fines galore for the unwary. Able's comment that she didn't trust Torbay council well founded. But enough, I will desist from my parking lament and take us back to the inclement evening and an upcoming saga of some note..

Hashers congregated on the wide steps of the pub and there were a few unfamiliar faces.  The Gromit (long time no see old buddy) had been lured from his lair close by and was accompanied by Brewers Droop (AH3);  Skinny Dipper - a rare straggler from Land Ho; Yon Virgins Libby (Pisswell's daughter) and Charlie; Paddy (Cold East Cross last June) and the Torbay AC warriors Grinder and Deep Throat.

Teapot called it at thirty seven but a fearless forty one recorded herewith:

GM Shitfaced, Teapot, Manpig, T Humper, I-Poo'd, Just Coming, Archangel, Manpig, Well Hopped, Big End, SatNav, 3Sum, Strap-on, Wet Johnny, Erection, Skinny Dipper, Gromit, Brewers Droop, 69, Beefy, Pisswell, Charlie, Libby, Able, Doris, BroadS, SM Ellie, Wigwam, Grinder, Deep Throat, Paddy, Plonker, Artful Dogger, BB, Broken Man, Fallen Woman, Piltdown, Georgie, Slip on Me, U Bend and Coldtits.

Unbeknown to all, there was drama aplenty unfolding out on the trail.  Beefy had commenced laying around 4:30 pm but without co-hare Pisswell who was 'running' late.

Circle up time came and went with still no sign of the hares as the Grand Master waited with staff in hand and stoic pose.

At last Beefy was sighted and made the circle glistening with sweat. The Strava told a remarkable story: In 2 hours and 46 minutes, Beefy had covered FIFTEEN miles, averaging under 11 minutes a mile while laying in extremely muddy conditions. And here he was about to sweep the trail - think long and hard about it...

SIX L/S splits were mentioned along with a SS and without further ado, we were pointed downhill and the adventure commenced...

At the loiter the pack formed by ye olde forge awaiting the scouts and with two crosses sighted, the only game left was forwards - to the lakes.

It was crowded at the sharp end with Grinder, Deep Throat, Gromit, Wet Johnny, Erection, Plonker, Artful Dogger, BroadS, Manpig, Well Hopped and Big End all on the bunny. With such a wealth of talent, the trail was discovered with ease.

A little loop bringing us back from whence we had come about five minutes before had allowed Beefy to lay link up marks and things were going swimmingly.

Inevitably the pack shredded as the FRBs class (and ability to cope with the mud) took them away from the main body of longs. Artful Dogger, Grinder and Deep Throat had a right set to with Plonker apparently soloing around most of the trail but at a rate of knots in the ground.

A cohort of longs comprising Big End, Well Hopped, BroadS, Manpig, Erection, Gromit, Skinny Dipper and BB assembled and plodded onwards until things went awry.

I don't know how - and let me hasten to add that no-one was to blame - we just lost the trail.  Big End with Ned had now assumed trailfinder role of our group and after half an hour and two miles (!) we escaped the lake section and discovered Pisswell at the SS.

We were a long way adrift of most of the hash by now but determined to Carry On Hashing (2020).  Our group was reduced to four after some disappeared (Gromit met Wet Johnny and they went a different way) and Well Hopped peeled off leaving Big End, BroadS, BB and Manpig.

At every L/S split Big End asked if we were still okay to go long (we must have looked pretty bad by now) but we were committed (please, no jokes) and no one was going to knowingly go short.

The trail was most cunning and had us frequently backtracking.  We happened upon Pisswell, Libby and Paddy and looking back down a valley four or five other head torches could be seen so we weren't the tail enders. Manpig slipped [sic] a little way behind but Big End kept his tiny band together and camaraderie prevailed out there in the mud.

Lights from the bay appeared on the heights near the Marldon Road and it was familiar terrain as we dropped back down to Cockington Lane but we were over half an hour behind the FRbs. Sensing the beer, Manpig came back from the dead and legged it across the swampy ground to the lane.

After seventy minutes of unrelenting mud, I must hold up my hands and confess that it was here that I ran up the white flag with a lamentable cry: 'We've done enough!' and we legged it to the pub a half mile off.

It was only after consulting the Strava returns that I see that we missed the last two miles on road (Ned would have given the paws up here) but as stated, we had been out for around ninety minutes and had to forego the completion. Like others, I would dearly like to run this trail in summer sans sludge.

Entering the Drum around 9:15 pm, Teapot was informed of those still out on trail and the DDs were delayed. With no less than eight awards, beer had to be bought to accommodate the throng

DOWNDOWNS AWARDED TO:

CHARLIE (Horsey Horse head hat) for his slip and slide manoeuvres in the Cockington mud.

BLUEBIRD (White Bat Hat) whose name was mentioned so probably was responsible .

SM ELLIE (Hashit Pillock Shirt) apologies but I cannot recall the misdemeanour.

BEEFY for possibly the greatest lay in TVH's history.

PISSWELL for assisting and manning the SS.

TWO BIRTHDAY DDs for LIBBY & SLIP ON ME

And finally a 400 RUN BADGE for our RA MANPIG.

(Come back next week Winfield, I'm not too good at remembering the awards!)

POSTSCRIPT

What an evening it turned out to be. I cannot recall a greater effort to lay a trail in all the runs I have experienced as a hasher. To lay fifteen miles in winter and mud in such a short time AND then sweep the seven mile trail is truly remarkable. A feat that is worthy of recording for posterity.  The Drum was welcoming and parking fees aside was a good venue, providing a great atmosphere for the DDs. Thanks Big End for leading us out of the morass and finally, one word to sum up the hare's effort - MAGNIFICENT.

ON ON to next week and our Australian Evening at The Park Inn Kingskerswell,(TQ12 5BQ) with Hares:  T.Humper & I'Pood  Wear something Australian - a special evening to raise funds for caring for animals affected by the bush fires.

Burns Night Celebrations with TVH3

Down-Down awards from the excellent evenings events were awarded to...

Soapy & Palmolive for an "Amazing trail" plus birthday Down-Downs.

Manpig for allowing the bat to inappropriately molest him.

Teapot for clearing the bar of customers with his bagpipes.

Beefy for carrying that Caber around the whole trail!

A naming for Georgie now for ever now McMuffin and

Adam now for ever to be known as Big Whopper 

 

ICE WITH BURNS AND AN AMOROUS VAMPIRELLA

Run #1830 from the Dolphin at Bovey Tracey with hares Soapy & Palmolive

 

'Twas fair jeelit ootside come circle up time in the dark recesses of the Dolphin car park and it was fitting that hardy (Scots lookalike) folk congregated for Soapy and Palmolive's Birthday Basheroo the noo.

 

Much Milly milling aboot and it was tricky Shirley to see who was who and the old minces played tricks. From thirty feet away there seemed a splendid abomination of a wee laddie complete with caber and sonsie red beard. Only when I got closer did the apparition become yon Beefy. Och, hoots mon, there's a McBeefy loose aboot the hoose. No? Well...

 

Teapot - destined to be the star of the evening - called the roll at forty true blues and I can match and even surpass the sonsie tally with 42 here nam-ed:

 

GM Shitfaced, Winfield, Teapot, Manpig, Beefy the Caber Man, SM Ellie, Last of the Mohicans came back from China and travels, Soapy, Melon Picker, Palmolive, Fishbait, Small Fry, Big End, Well Hopped, Bobby, Wiggy, Plonker, Artful Dogger, Woof Woof, Piltdown, Strap-On, Anne, Only Here, Dog End, Georgie, Adam, Wet Johnny, Manopause, Erection, Mateus Rose, I-Poo'd, Slip on Me, SatNav, Coldtits, Able, Forrest, Doris, Rambo, Para, BroadS and Hoots Bat.

 

Heard tell of a long, short and walkers' wi [Scottish sic] a SSS - Scottish Sweetie Stop ye Sassenachs and the Hoots Bat, Plonker and Artful Dogger legged it oot into braw Bovey. Do ye follow safari?

 

The lads were Shirley on a mission (both shorts/tee shirts) and champing at the bit and soon we found ourselves at the make your minds up fork below the church. The marks were cunning - tiny (Palmolive pixie like) and hidden behind lamp posts and doorways giving the early hint that the hares didnae want the FRBs to have too much fun.

 

The falsies were manifold Manny and along a promising muddy lane we splashed until Last of the Mohicans called: 'It's a long way (to Tipperary) since a mark!' and reluctantly we turned to retrace our faltering footsteps. The hare had got there after us and fresh arrows had appeared but all's fair in laying and we took it on the chin.

 

A long and winding road to get back with the pack but eventually stragglers from the short were passed and it got quite congested with longs, shorts and walkers intermixed. Tempting indeedy was the opportunity to duck through the wire and save two or three hundred yards but we all soldiered on. However, a little birdie tweeted that Wet Johnny - still injured and operating on impulse power only - had suddenly appeared in the thick of the longs with Plonker. But never mind, needs be on this occasion WJ.

 

At three miles the SSS loomed large - being the back of Melon Picker's chariot and McBeefy was already there, still caber accompanied.

 

Off we wended once more and suddenly a dread cry of: 'ICE, watch out!' cut through the chill air. Yes, nemesis had Shirley arrived in the form of the Bovey Heathland Nature Reserve. And what a god-forsaken frozen patch of land it was.

 

Came upon Fishbait and the ever enthusiastic Small Fry as well as I-Poo'd who was making a great fist of things some way out on the short. I must also mention Coldtits and McWiggy who strangely kept appearing in front of us at various points of the trail. The difficult frozen puddle section was right up BroadS street [accidental sic] and he, unlike some, was in his element out there. And thank you, Manopause for legging it on the Newton Road run-in when I stopped to tie my laces.

At last the haven of the Old Newton Road and the blessed tarmac all the way back home with a five miler recorded.

 

A splendid evening's entertainment inside the Dolphin ensued with an impressive presentation of the haggis, piped in by Teapot in full regalia. Manpig in McIntosh tartan kilt and dress jacket escorted the lone piper with McWiggy bearing the haggis platter.

 

Teapot then played the Flower of Scotland, the rugby anthem with accompanying lyrics courtesy of our RA and a tear was shed by the believers.

 

Manpig read out the revered Robbie Burns Address to a Haggis which was as good as I've heard it - no jokes here, it was a sound reading.

 

McWiggy dispensed the wee foil encased portions of haggis with neeps and tatties to complete the Burns appreciation evening.

 

Back to the script and the DDs proceeded with the Birthday Girls getting their drink and a brace of namings (covered by Winfield below). I had tried in vain to regain my Vampirella Bat Hat from SM Ellie but she had insisted that 'she' was needed for the award. With mounting trepidation, I listened to the awful story unfold about Vampirella's attraction to certain male hashers... I had stern words with her when I got her back home - like myself, she doesn't get out very often...

"CELEBRATING BURNS NIGHT IN TARTAN" by WINFIELD

A great Tartan turnout from the pack. Beefy was even carrying a Caber with him all the way, as we headed off around Bovey on a great trail from the Birthday Hares.To passing cars and pedestrians this must have looked like another invasion,remember 1646? but this time it was the Scottish horde who wound its way into muddy woodland, before finding the excellent Iru-Bru and biscuit stop manned by Mellon Picker.

On-On onto a still frozen Bovey Heath with the pack now well spread out finding the correct route was a test. With torches flashing and calls from all directions it was Plonker who guided me towards the Bovey Straight road, but I needed to get over the fencing to reach it! A handy stump plus a overhanging branch finally allowed me to escape onto firm dry land, just a matter now of avoiding the traffic as the Tartan Army headed back to Bovey.

The Dolphin had kindly allowed space with a few less customers! present, before the Haggis ceremony commenced, piped in by Teapot wearing his full regalia followed by the Haggis bearers for the address.

Down-Down awards from the excellent evenings events were awarded to...

 

SOAPY & PALMOLIVE for an "Amazing trail" plus birthday Down-Downs.

MANPIG for allowing the bat to inappropriately molest him.

TEAPOT for clearing the bar of customers with his bagpipes.

BEEFY for carrying that Caber around the whole trail!

A naming for Georgie now for ever now McMUFFIN and

Adam now for ever to be known as BIG WHOPPER

Well done the Hares and the Haggis Party for an excellent evening.

 

POSTSCRIPT

It was an eventful evening and something different by the Birthday hares. The trail was made testing by the frozen puddles in the nature reserve but the road sections balanced it all out in the end - solid [sic] trail hares.

 

It really was a game of two halves with the Burns appreciation night in the Dolphin and Teapot, Manpig and McWiggy put on a breathtaking display which surprised and delighted all present. Teapot was brilliant and professional and was ably backed up by the splendidly attired McManpig and grateful thanks must go to our talented chef for his wee haggis vision and the hard work in preparing the delicacy. A fun night, thank you everyone.

 

ON ON to next week Mon 27th Jan 7:15 The Drum Inn Cockington (TQ2 6XA) with Hares Beefy & Pisswell

ARCHANGEL LIVE LAYS FOR ONLY THE BRAVE

Run #1829 Monday 13th January from the Railway Brewhouse, Newton Abbot with hare Archangel

'Deep within Hackney Marshes, an arm was raised aloft, Lady of the Lake like and a reflex twitch splattered a handful of flour...'

The forecast was grave and hashers had braced themselves for the incoming Storm Brendan. Many a wilting hash flower did demur* deciding they had an urgent appointment elsewhere and it was Only the Brave who saddled up and ventured out, Oh Dearly I Don't Want To Get Wet If I Can Possibly Help It...

No Teapot and Piltdown asked if I had a good memory. For such a tiny band of stalwarts it was fairly easy:

GM Shitfaced, Winfield, Piltdown, Georgy, Archangel, 69, Able, Slip on Me, Beefy, Wet Johnny, Manopause, Erection, Manpig, a moustachioed panto Forrest, SM Ellie, Pisswell, Soapy, Palmolive, Melon Picker, BB, Flasher, Plonker, Doris & Wiggy, Two dozen brave souls whose names would live on until closing time at least.

A reluctant little huddle was formed outside the Brewhouse to hear the rallying call of Shitfaced - Oh Yes, he came back, a Grand Master like him, complete with the Hash Moses lookalike Staff which would doubtless be needed to part the prodigious puddles out there in storm ravaged Newton.

Piltdown's 64 thousand dollar question (what he had been bought for his 64th birthday by Georgy) predictably had the bold band baffled though many a valiant attempt was made. Magic hair restorer, a dildo and a defibrillator being some of the likely contenders. Closest was Manpig's witty defibrillator as a blood pressure monitor was the answer, Oh Dearly Don't Call Me, I'll Call You. But I am wittering on again, why didn't you stop me? Let us return to the saga that was in the making that wild and stormy night...

The GM informed the shivering shambles that Archangel was out there somewhere 'live' laying the trail and that we shouldn't be too alarm-ed. Sweetie stops and other ornaments there would be none and it (the trail you fools) was out there somewhere. Vaya con dios and we were released into the welcoming arms of Storm Brendan..

What we hadn't known was that Archangel had started the lay at 4:30 pm and had already been out in the storm for nigh on three hours before we set off and the elements were starting to take their toll on even this battle hardened hasher..

A silly sod around Courtenay Park for the longs allowed the shorts cum walkers to filch a nice little lead before they turned off into Brunel industrial estate. Down to Penn Inn for the longs and the cut back into Aller Brook. Flasher and Plonker were flying and Beefy, Manopause, Erection, Manpig and Forrest mit Muttley were to the fore. What of Wet Johnny? I hear you ask. Well, the dear boy had succumbed to a calf injury and was walking wounded with the shorts. Doubtless he'll be back, Arnie style.

Over the bridge above the A380 the marks merrily splodged until the trail petered out. True, there was a cross to the left but nothing else. Beefy, (correctly as it turned out) reasoned that perhaps the true trail was back over the bridge but others felt the cross should either have been a HA HA or a check back.

In any event, the decision was made to boldly go our own way down to the Teign and at least get a run in.  Under the massive flyover and a few yards along the bank, Plonker and Flasher rediscovered the trail! GAME ON! Well done lads and with hope in our hearts we coursed onwards.

Meanwhile, deep within Hackney Marshes, an arm was raised aloft, Lady of the Lake like and a reflex twitch splattered a handful of flour. Soaking wet and getting colder by the minute, Archangel was laying on instinct only. However, there was no time to rest, the pack could appear at any moment..

With all the to and froing, the pack had concertinaed and SM Ellie and late arriving Pisswell joined the fray.

A plethora of marks did assail our eyes as we entered the de rigueur racecourse loop. Round and round, up and down and back and forth we fled as the marks came thick and fast. We met Soapy and Palmolive coming back to us and they revealed that they were on the long as well.

The grand denouement came as we were directed into Hackney Marshes - presumably for a laugh or two. Flasher and Plonker's head torches were seen returning but they then called the ON ON.

Splashing into a small clearing, we came upon a macabre set. Around a confused blob - Shirley this was the 'reflex twitch' that had splattered the handful of flour - came our comrades round.  Flasher's dread words of 'There's no way out from here!' sank [Shirley sic] in just as a gay 'ON ON' was heard seemingly OFF TRAIL on the tarmac lane beyond the marsh.  'Are you longs?!' 'Why yes!' shouted back Manpig and with muttered curses, we extricated ourselves from the morass to find Pisswell and SM Ellie peering over a gate to see what we were doing - which was not a lot as it happened.

Back to the Brewhouse without further ado or mishap and it was almost a pity to end our magical adventure though the Brewhouse beer beckoned. Many variations of the trail were recorded but all that went out are to be congratulated. You are truly real hashers.

Ave, vale, hail and farewell!

* archaic form

WINFIELD'S STORM BRENDAN MEMORIES on trail 1829

At the last count 24 Hashers braved the elements to circle up outside the Railway Brewhouse well protected for a run in the storm.to support Hare Archangel who at present was.. still out there somewhere battling with clouds of flour in the storm! An immediate LS split took the Long around Courtenay Park with the Short heading on towards the Brunel Estate eventually we were all finding ourselves on Hackney Marshes. The Flour was hard to spot in the wind and rain but after the new Cycle bridge A distant dimly lit figure?? approached dispensing a dusting of flour all over us as it passed. Meeting a return curve next some headed on back after him while others including Soapy and Palmolive decided to carry on towards the very muddy marshland.The returning short were soon back at the Bridge encouraging the Longs to go over...not cut short! In the wind and rain we were soon grateful to be back in town, changing now for a very welcome drink plus an excellent buffet.

The Awards from this testing evening were awarded to...

ARCHANGEL for heroic efforts in storm Brendan drinks up with one eye on his train time!

SOAPY for asking if we would still be doing DD's !!

S.M.ELLIE seen to be first home on the Long?

PISSWELL for asking what we were thinking of, "running in Newton Abbot" ?

Well done the Hare for a great trail in a storm!

POSTSCRIPT

What a night and what an effort by Archangel to live lay the trail in the conditions.  Well-earned indeed was his beer when he staggered into the Brewhouse just after 8 pm.  The Brewhouse was a good old-fashioned spit and sawdust bar with intriguing ales.  Even with our numbers reduced, there was a rattling good atmosphere and the evening was enjoyed by all. Yet another adventure I am glad I didn't miss! Thanks Archangel, you did good out there.

ON ON to next week Monday 20th Jan. Circle 7:15 at The Dolphin Hotel "Celebrate Burns Night in Tartan" with Birthday Hares Soapy & Palmolive.

The unforgettable Mud from Trail 1828

 the birthday Hare,here drinks up carefully from his new trainers.. Happy Birthday!

Runner B prepares to drink for causing confusion at the start!

Dog loving Deborah now for ever to be known as Dog End! needed to sit for her DD??

Bluebird who fell in the river! encouraged now by S.M.E to get wet inside!

BroadS Having now reached 50Runs is ready to down a DD in one go!

c

A WEASEL PLAN & YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE FAITH

Run #1828 Monday 6th January from the Teign & Stover CP, OD the King's Arms with Flasher and Friends

The first run of a new decade and the lads were out in force to lay for Flasher's birthday. A band of heavy rain swept through early afternoon delaying proceedings. Oh yes, it was going to be testing conditions out there t'teddy bear..

The lean longs had a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel. After consulting the slide-rule it was discerned that it was a mere 3/4 M from the King's Arms at Kingsteignton to the circle CP. Shirley it would be sheer folly to park in the middle of nowhere and then have all the shorts and walkers nab the spaces at the pub.

And so, Oh Dearly Thwarted, it came to pass that the Good ol' Boys gathered at the OD for a leisurely warm-up jog to the circle. HA!

Proudly did our banners fly as we sallied out of the tunnel circle bound. Warriors Wet Johnny and Manopause, Beefy, BroadS and the surfin' Bird, oh what a glorious sight we made and Fallen Woman who drove past the cavalcade did concur...

The inky black and partially flooded circle CP was already a confused maelstrom of chariots as we arrived and smug indeedy were the Famous Five - but the fickle Fates frowned and some of us would be punished for our complacency..

Teapot was on station at the entrance, busily taking names and a forty plus roll was attained. Vague indeed is the memory but I'll avago:

Winfield, Teapot, Flasher, Runner Bean, Plonker, Pork Torpedo, Hornie, Fallen Woman, Manopause, Wet Johnny, Beefy, BroadS, SM Ellie, Stung Down Under, Manpig, Poles Piddler, Wiggy, Only Here, Debbie, 3Sum, SatNav, Archangel, Big End, Well Hopped, Slip on Me, Strap-On, Ann, Ernie, Piltdown, Able, Georgia, Adam, U Bend, 69, Coldtits, Doris, BB, Soapy, Melon Picker and Woof Woof. 40 listed and apologies if I missed you out.

In the absence of our revered Grand Master (we missed you) Winfield called the crew to order before summoning the authors of the evening's entertainment. There was a slight disagreement (which would seal Runner Bean's fate before we had even started) between the hares until it transpired that there were three L/S splits and a SS sited somewhere out there in the malevolent morass. Walkers to the left and longs/shorts to the right.. Yo!

After last wek's debacle, I had switched to dimpled road shoes, which though not ideal, afforded a little traction on the less muddy sections. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to put insoles in - a decision which would be rued later..

It soon became apparent that the marks were spaced out and faith had to be put in the hares. And I had faith in the hares, rollin' rollin' rollin' even when the way seemed uncertain to trailblazer Wet Johnny. The trail was clever, the shorts converging with the longs (apologies to U Bend for my rude comments) as we wended our sodden way along the banks of the Teign and all seemed well until it all went horribly wrong...multiple sighs

A funnel shaped field posed the question - left or right? In the absence of clues, I kept the faith and bore right, taking Wet Johnny and Beefy with me but even they lost faith after nigh on a half mile of no marks and they turned back.

However, I still had faith and continued doggedly onwards. Shirley a mark would appear and my faith would be Shirley vindicated? I still had faith up to the moment I slipped on a slick bend and crashed into the river. I then lost faith.

What to do? Turn back and be the butt of cruel jokes at my soggy expense? No, I would continue and head 'em off at the next river crossing.

Meanwhile, Beefy, Wet Johnny, Manopause, Manpig, Woof Woof and BroadS were (correctly) heading for Stover Park and gawd only knows the whereabouts of the others.

Two near fatal mistakas occurred roughly at the same time. Beefy and BroadS (and others?) missed the left turn for Stover Park and headed for Heathfield while a mile to the north I closed rapidly (on lovely tarmac) with Chudleigh Knighton before turning.

The end result was Beefy covering TEN miles and out for two hours, BroadS nearly EIGHT miles and ninety five minutes and similar stories for WJ, Manopause et al.

I may have had harder hash runs since 1985 but I cannot recall being as exhausted as I was when I finally got back to the King's Arms. Ask Bobby, he'll tell you.

There were tales aplenty to marvel about inside the King's Arms. Well Hopped and Big End related the carnage caused by a wicked HA HA - lads, how could you? and running down one side of a hedge with the shorts on the other side. Manopause had pleaded with other hashers not to follow him as he had no idea where he was and Manpig refused to comment and may have committed some dastardly deed en routey. I have no intelligence on the SS and whether anyone - apart from the shorts and walkers - actually made it. Answers on a postcard please.

WINFIELD'S VIEW

Muddy memories from trail 1828 Mon 6th Jan at the Teign and Stover Canal Car Park a Birthday Hash with Hare Flasher and Friends. Near the aptly named Gallows Cross!, a heavy downpour had certainly added something extra to the Hares Trail! as 40plus Hashers were soon "slip sliding" their way along, one of the most muddy footpaths ever! beside the river Teign, heading on towards Teigngrace. The Short 3+miles, with the long on a testing 10 miler!. Soon on soggy meadows, going was a little easier, before somehow ending up on the cycle track,

Decided at next check, on what was now a pleasant evening to cut across the meadows footpath. No marks! must be off route? but somehow Satnav 3Sum and I did finally emerge back on the Old Exeter Rd not far from the CP so all good in the end! Back at the OD in The Kings Arms Kingsteignton, many tales from the Trail were exchanged over a beer and the excellent buffet.

Awards for the pack were presented to .....

FLASHER the birthday Hare,here drinks up carefully from his new trainers.. Happy Birthday!

RUNNER BEAN prepares to drink for causing confusion at the start!

Dog loving Deborah now for ever to be known as DOG END! needed to sit for her DD??

BLUEBIRD who fell in the river! encouraged now by S.M.E to get wet inside!

BROADSHIT Having now reached 50Runs is ready to down a DD in one go!

Well done all the Hares for an excellent trail and OD!

POSTSCRIPT

Well lads, you very nearly did for your (very) old schoolmate. What a great adventure to survive and tell the story. Happy birthday Flasher! If I'm still around, ask me at the end of 2020 my most memorable hash - this one is a strong contender - even with 51 to go...

ON ON to next week Mon.13th Jan 7:15 The Railway Brewhouse Newton Abbot (TQ12 2BS) Hare: Archangel No official parking "best to go green on local transport!"